Half Arsed Review: Evil Things

Warning, another Found Footage horror has been made, and this time it's about a group of people who go to a house and are never heard of/seen again.

Sound familiar? It should do, as this is the premise for most found footage horrors. The footage is found and the bodies aren't.

Evil Things has five friends go up to a remote cabin that belongs to one of their aunts (Gail). During their car journey we get to meet them a bit better, there's Leo the camera guy, Mark the everyman, an overly dramatic girl called Cassy, a girl who is celebrating her 21st birthday and who looks like Miranda Hart but is called Miriam and some fickle ill bitch who whines and moans for the entirety of the film named Tanya.

As they travel the snowy roads, they have a duel-esque face off with a van. The van driver acts like a real dick and puts the Willey's into the teens by beeping his horn, speeding in front of them then slowing down, and by driving really slowly past them when they're eating in a road side cafe.

They are so creeped out at one point that they drive off and are suddenly attacked by a waitress telling them they've forgotten something and hands the startled passenger the item that she had left in the restroom. I didn't see what it was but I think it was feces.

When they finally do get to the house in the middle of nowhere, there is no electricity. Not a good start when it's freezing outside and you've got some weirdo stalking you in his van. Suddenly a vehicle drives up to the house and the young friends get the fright of their life when someone begins banging on the door! OMG, is it the van driver? No, it's friendly Aunt Gail to tell us that the power is out.

She somehow magics the electric on and then she goes off back into the frosty night, leaving them to their certain deaths and probably on to another niece of hers who's staying at camp Crystal Lake.

It's then revealed that it's Miriam's birthday and she gets a cake, and she didn't expect a cake... yeah whatever. The next morning the guys try to get the girls to go for a walk in the snowy woods with them, all of the relent as it's Miriam's birthday present apparently. I say all of them, but I mean all of them except Tanya, who lays on her bed and bitches and moans about the whole thing. Why the hell did they bring this bitch!? She's the biggest Killjoy since time immemorial!

Anyway, the kids go off into the woods and before long are lost. They start panicking! How on earth can they get back to the house now they're lost? Quick thought... how about you look down to the ground and follow your FUCKING FOOTSTEPS!!! It's not even snowing and it never crosses their collective minds to just follow their footsteps back the way they came.

Then there's creepy noises in the woods, OMG is it some kind of Blair Witch? They do the only sensible thing and run off in different directions, before finally finding the house again.

When they're all home safe and sound, guess who turns up. Friendly Aunt Gail? No, the Van Driver. They get a knock on their door, they find a video tape, and play it to see they've been filmed whilst they were sleeping and that the Van man has his own camera.

The Van driver then attacks, although you never see him attack and most of them are "killed off" outright. The final bits are a homage to Silence of The Lambs as the over dramatic Cassy is filmed on night vision by the Van driver as she tries to get out. Also, the Van driver is making the same noises as the strange creatures we never saw but heard in the woods.

It ends with a figure viewing all of the found footage, before seeing the next group of victims from the killers cam.

Was it any good? Meh, it was okay. It had some good ideas but never really paid off. The threat was formulaic, although the sfx of the Van driver/creature sounded good. For me the acting was a little OTT at points and I at least wanted to see Tanya get dismembered.

It's not a bad lost footage film, there are so many that are a lot lot worse than this. (Episode 50) But it never quite reached it's full potential in my opinion.

Rent it and make your own minds up.

Half Arsed Review : YellowBrickRoad

If you're looking for a well thought out, dark and foreboding (and more importantly, scary) horror film, then this film isn't for you.

If however you are looking for a surreal mystery headf**k of a movie, that never apologises for the fact it has less knowledge about the events of the movie than the viewers, then give this a whirl.

The set-up is pretty good: The population of a small town got dressed in their finest outfits and then all left to walk on "The Trail", some of them were found later, frozen to death or succumbed to some form of brutal murder, but others are still unaccounted for. The one lone survivor's voice is played to you at the beginning of the movie where he keeps asking if the interviewers can hear the noise...

What follows is bizarre to say the least. A team of would be investigators go off to the town where it all happened, the locals aren't best pleased to see them, apart from one who is desperate to come with them. The deal is struck, she shows them where the trail starts and she gets to tag along to their certain deaths.

I hate to say it as the found footage market is over-saturated, but this is a movie that would have worked better as a found footage mockumentary. Instead it's filmed like any other horror, which works okay, but the whole mystery of what happened (and ending) would have been better being left even more obscure.

For most of the movie I wondered if the main guy was actually the same actor who played Shane from The Walking Dead... it annoyed me so much that I IMDB'D the SOB, and found out that no. It wasn't. They're not even related. But in some shots, he looks just like him. So I've saved you some frustration there.

Spot the difference?

Speaking of the actors, they're all adequate. None of them pull an Oscar performance out of their ass but none of them are dreadful.

So the first half of the movie is just them walking. Walking on the trail, stopping to have interviews with the behavioural psychologist who is tagging along to make sure he documents their deaths... I mean, mental state.

Suddenly they start hearing music and before you can say "Oh my god, this music sounds really messed up and I'm not sure we should be continuing" one of them is dead. This act of violence was signposted for me, as the increased tensions in the group and the fact that this particular pair seemed more annoyed at each other than anyone else, suggested they'd be the first to go. I even knew what would spark the fatal argument off... I didn't however expect the act of violence that occurred to happen. It was so unexpected, what was done, not when, that I just stared at the screen with my jaw slightly unhinged.

The rest of the movie, especially the end, I realised that my mouth was never fully closed, as my brain was frantically trying to process exactly what was happening on the screen. The music that was playing became worse as they progressed and the actors did a good job of portraying their reactions to certain parts of the sound collage.

Did I enjoy the film? Well, yes and no. I enjoyed the theme and surrealistic nature of the whole movie, but couldn't help feeling that they could have used some more scares.

The film Rubber was a nod to all films that had "No Reason" in it, and this movie wreaks of No Reason. So if you like your movies unexplained and messed up, then take a look at this (free on lovefilm player atm) but if not then skip this movie like it's your gcse year and you've got double science (which you haven't done your course work for) this afternoon.

TRIPLETS - And more Un-Needed Arnie Films!

After the news that there would be another Anchorman movie, I didn't think life could get any sweeter.

Sure, I do have some reservations as to weather the cast and crew of the sequel can equal or exceed the hilarity from the original, but it's something that people have been clamouring for and the studios know they'll make a shit load of money from the stars.

So this morning I find out that there's yet more sequel news!! Black Dynamite 2? No...

A sequel to the 1988 movie Twins. (HERE'S HOPING IT'S AN ELABORATE APRIL FOOLS JOKE!)

For those of you who are unaware of the movie, shame on you, this is the basic concept:

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were part of a genetic experiment to create the perfect child, they are actually brothers where Arnie got all the good genes and Devito got all the bad genes. Arnie finds Devito and Devito (who's a small time crook) uses Arnie's naivety to his benefit. They go on a road trip where Devito wants to sell an engine (illegally) to a guy call Beetroot. It all goes sour, Devito kills the baddies and the twins reconcile. They later get their girlfriends pregnant, both with twins and meet their long lost mother.

Ironically that is also the plot for the 1988 movie Twins.

Since Arnie has stepped off of his political throne, he's trying to get his steroid pumped acting  muscles flexed with a much requested follow up to a film people kind of remember.

So, it's Twins 2? No... No it isn't. It's called Triplets. AND, here's the best part. They have a long lost brother... played by? Eddie Murphy.

I loved Eddie Murphy in his 80's movies, then he did a Steve Martin and stopped being funny, or at least he stopped being funny for anyone over the age of seven.

My main issue however is with the revelation that they have a long lost brother, they kind of shit all over the first movie's logic. Surely, the scientist who revealed to Arnie that he had a long lost brother would have mentioned another brother? SURELY?

So what's next for Arnie, if he's trawling through his old movies, what delights can we expect? The Last Last Action Hero? 1st School Cop? Batman & Robin 2 : The Return of Mr. Freeze?

There's only one film he needs to make a sequel to. That movie?

Junior!

If you are unaware of the film it's about Danny Devito getting Arnie pregnant. Arnie gives birth to the mutant and they all live happily ever after.

I want a Junior 2. I want to see what happens to that kid when he goes to school and meets other children, all of whom have mothers, with wombs! I want to see this kid grow up and take his girlfriend home to meet his "mother/father hybrid". I want to see the looks on the faces of the kid's parents-in-law when they also meet the monster that is Arnie's character. I want to see what kind of spawn that Junior would produce.

THAT my friends (and Studio people who are no doubt reading this), is a movie worth watching.

Half Arsed Review: Insidious

James Wan, the same guy who brought Saw to the screen, brings us a new take on the tried and tested haunted house genre of horror films.

My favourite haunted house film is, and probably always will be, the Japanese version of The Grudge. It's just a perfect supernatural threat, as it's inescapable and as mysterious as it is deadly. Why this terrible murder at this house? Was it built on an Chinese burial ground? They don't tell you. They just present you with a fact, and that fact is, "anyone who goes to the house will die".

Now let's get back, or begin, talking about Insidious. It's very similar in plot to Poltergeist, with Patrick Wilson stepping in as the sceptical father and Rose Byrne as the "hysterical" mum character.

It all follows the same plot as it always does, "House is haunted, move house, new house haunted, actually it's the boy that's haunted, dad goes into other world, everyone lives happily ever after" Well, most people live, but happily ever after? Hmm...

So it's just the same as all the other films out there then? Well, no. This has an ace up it's sleeve. That ace being that this film is scary. It's expertly made to lure you into a false sense of security before making you jump (or in my long suffering lady wife Louise's case, scream as loud as possible into my ear).

There's a bit with some really creepy photo's, a bit with a scary moment where you really don't expect there to be one, and the film warrants a second watch as you will pick up more the second time than the first (with regards to certain plot elements being signposted earlier on)

So as a whole, the plot is similar but the scares are fresh. The acting in it, is also top notch, and even the child actors don't come across as the usual whiny little kids like the kid who played Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars Episode 1 : A Phantom Menace... which brings me to two things that Insidious and Episode 1 have in common.

Firstly is the CGI. Insidious is scary, till they bring in some Jarring CGI that looks out of place and subsequently ruins the feel of the film (Just as in Episode 1, where everything looked "too new" to happen a long time ago in a galaxy far far away)

Then there's the main (or secondary) villain in Insidious. I'm not the only person who noticed this, as I found the following picture quite easily. So tell me, do you spot any similarities?

Granted, they aren't Identical... but they're certainly related, surely? When you want to make a scary monster, do NOT make it look like a character from another movie, as it'll detract from your monster's terror factor. After I'd seen the "demon" for the first time, all I could think was "So this is what happened to Darth Maul after Star Wars!"

That aside, the film is a pretty good modern horror. I suggest watching it with the lights off, the sound up and on your own.

Half Arsed Review - Rubber

Being a glutton for bad movies, I decided to scour through Love Film's Xbox Live App, to find the worst possible movie to watch with my good friend Mr. Webb. (Who is also a connoisseur of bad movies)

As I flicked past all of the titles, I came upon one that sounded too bad to be true.

The film was called RUBBER, and had a picture of a rubber tyre with a stream of blood behind it. So I anxiously selected it and read the following blurb:

"Deep within the desolate landscape of the Californian desert a merciless killer roams the land looking for victims. With his terrifying psychic abilities he leaves a blood soaked trail of chaos and..."

Unless I'm doing it wrong, the love film player only ever has the first two sentences of a film synopsis. So you kind of hope that the first two lines will describe the film with good effect, for all I knew the rest of the synopsis could have said:

"With his terrifying psychic abilities he leaves a blood soaked trail of chaos and freshly pressed shirts. The Rubber Tyre is killed off by the police early on and the rest of the movie focuses on hardcore gay pornography and ends with a baby being murdered by a clown."

Luckily, that didn't happen.

So, my expectations were that I was about to watch a movie about a killer rubber tyre with psychic abilities. It would be a funny movie with over the top gore and plenty of stupid teenagers/law enforcement agents, that would be killed off. Just turn my brain off, and enjoy.

Luckily, that didn't happen.

Instead, I was treated to one of the most bizarre movies I have ever seen. (The happiness of the Katakuris being one of the weirder ones I've seen to date) From the offset you knew it'd be weird...

A desert highway, with an assortment of chairs dotted around it. A police car drives towards the camera and purposefully knocks over each and every chair before pulling up. The boot of the car opens and a Sheriff steps out, goes to the driver and takes a glass of water out. He then approaches the camera and addresses the audience with this speech.

"In the Stephen Spielberg movie E.T., why is the alien brown? No reason. In Love Story, why did the two characters fall madly in love with each other? No reason. In Oliver Stone’s JFK, why is the President suddenly assassinated by some stranger? No reason. In the excellent chainsaw massacre by Tobe Hooper, why don’t we ever see the characters go to the bathroom? Or wash their hands like people do in real life? Absolutely no reason. Worse, in The Pianist by Polanski, how come this guy has to hide and live like a bum when he plays the piano so well? Once again, the answer is no reason. I could go on for hours with more examples, the list is endless…all great films without exception contain an element of no reason. And you know why? Because life itself is full of no reason…the film you are about to see today is an homage to the no reason, that most powerful homage of style"

After this he pours his water on the floor, gets back into the boot of the car and is driven off. From this point, you are either hooked or know this is not a movie for you.

The Sheriff seemed to be actually talking to a group of people behind the camera who act as the "audience" throughout the film. At points, we watch them whilst they watch and describe action. It'd be a disservice to the film to reveal what happens in it, suffice to say this film is a journey to be had if you appreciate film as an art form. If you like films that seem to be trying to convey a message, or that are just filled with randomness for the sake of it, then this film is for you.

The tyre itself moves of it's own accord, you never see any strings and I'd love to know how they actually got it to move the way it moves. At points you empathise with the tyre, other points you are laughing, and then you're wondering what the hell is going on... to which you answer yourself "No Reason"

Do yourself a favour and check this film out, you'll either love it or hate it, but it's worth checking out either way.

Mass Effect Recap

So you've decided to play Mass Effect 3 and you've either A) Forgotten what happened in the first two games or B) Never played the first two games.

Here's a quick summary of the first two games to refresh your memory. But if you answered B, don't read this crap, go and play the games you loser!

Mass Effect - Shepard became the first human jedi, sorry, spectre, and was sent after the borg like Saren (ex-jedi) After chasing his ass all over the galaxy, you find out that the really cool ship he's been flying about in is actually a sentient robot fella called Sovereign. Who belongs to a race of robot fellas called Reapers. You made a few choices which resulted in a male or female crew member dying, shagged someone and even perhaps killed or never even met a Krogan buddy. After all that jazz you learn that the citadel, the squeaky clean deep space nine, was actually a mass effect gate, and sovereign along with the borg (geth) attacked.


You killed Darth Saren, and either saved the council or told them to go f**k themselves. In the end you all live happily ever... oh wait... ME2.

Mass Effect 2 - On a routine patrol you get horribly murdered by "The Collectors" a race that was not even mentioned or hinted about in the previous game as far as I'm aware. So the fact every race knows who they are was a bit perplexing. Anyway, your good old pal' The Illusive Man, (Charlie Sheen's dad), decides that he's got six billion dollars lying around and always wondered if he could make a six billion dollar man. So he brings you back to life and tells you to go out and kill the collectors as they're bad guys stealing humans. The game then consists of you going round the galaxy meeting up with old friends, meeting people who you wronged/helped along the way, shagging someone else and then playing everybody’s favourite batman villain Joker as he defends the ship from a collector attack. (Joker by the way is probably the most ironically named character in the game as he's the least funniest.) After this you go on a "suicide" mission (that wasn't a suicide mission if you trawled through the painful scanning for minerals on a million different planets routine)
where your team die or survive to attack a collector base. Here you get to chose who goes with who out of your allies and then you face The Terminator. A half built Reaper that looks like a metallic human skeleton (terminator). After you kick it's bony metallic ass Charlie Sheen's dad asks if you want to hand over all the technology to the sinister organisation that he works for who aren't at all space Nazis. most people told him to go f**k himself and blew the thing to kingdom come. Then Shepard decided to play Blue Oyster Cult's Don't Fear The Reaper until Mass Effect 3 came out.

I've not included any DLC in my summary because I'm a bastard. Hope this helped. :)

What do we have here?

Hello true believers!

It would seem that my blog hasn't been updated for a long time. Well, it's very rare that I get an opportunity to sit down at a computer now that I've got a little bambino!

My ongoing project "Journal of A Post Apocalyptic Office Drone" is at a standstill and I don't feel like continuing it at the moment. Sorry bout that.

If you wish me to continue it, let me know, otherwise I'll just write it off as a good idea gone to waste.

I'm not sure what (if anything) my blog will cover over the next few months, but I'll try my best to get five minutes to do something with this for all of you who enjoy reading my writings.

Ciao for now.