Nature

I'm a fan of Picnics, not the chocolate bar of the same name as they contain nuts, and I don't like nuts ever since that encounter I had in Poland with an old lady and a jar of peanut butter, long story, to cut it short it ended in world war II, which is odd as I've never been to Poland and I wasn't alive at the beginning of world war II, but I digress...

When it's a nice sunny day here in Kefeklahania I like to take my long suffering lady friend out for a picnic, she will spend the morning preparing a delightful hamper whilst I kill germans and play WWII games on my xbox370 (yes I have the next model up!)

So we will find a nice spot and lay a blanket on the supple land before opening the hamper and gorging ourselves on it's delicious innards. But when I open that hamper, it triggers off an alarm in the bowels of the earth, where Mother Nature sits there in a leather chair stroking her pussy (cat). As soon as the alarm goes off Mother Nature presses the button which launches every annoyance possible at me to stop my enjoyment of a lovely day.



I like the outdoors, but I hate nature. She always spoils a good day! Picnics are the worst though as not only am I swarmed by ants trying to get my delicious goodies, but she sends in the big guns. WASPS.

I don't mind Bees, they have a purpose. They help make Sugar Puffs, and other honey based treats, even though I hate bee excrement as much as I hate Mr. Kipling (the bastard with all his pies and cakes!) but Wasps... they have no purpose but to hurt. I'd rather have a spider come near me than a Wasp, and I have mild arachnophobia.

I'm fed up of Nature literally pissing on my bonfires as well, so I am writing a very harsh letter to the goverment to see what the plan on doing about her. I will let you know what they reply with as soon as I get it.

Some questions... answered

I checked my e-mail today you'll be pleased to know, and amongst the usual dross (telling me I need a bigger penis, a harder penis, no penis or another penis) I had 2 e-mails from "fans" asking a question each, so I thought I'd answer them here.

Audrey Hippobottom, 13 from Scarborough, asks:
Did World War II really happen?

Now on looking at the question the answer seems pretty simple, a resounding YES! It did happen if video games, historical evidence and war movies are to be believed. But to make sure, I asked Monty Greuber (No relation to the Die Hard Gruebers) a world war II veteran if it happened.
Unfortunatly Monty's memory isn't what it used to be and he told me that he can't remember much of the war at all... does that mean that infact it may not have happened, maybe the government just used mass hypnosis so that everyone would end up disliking the Germans as much as they dislike the french?

Larry Leopardthigh, 48 from Long Itchington (found next to Short Scratchington) asked:
If you had to be a breakfast cereal mascot who would you choose to be out of "Honey Monster" "Tony the Tiger" and "Coco The Monkey"?

Well what you're really asking is what cereal do I like the most, as all three of them only eat their brand of cereal. They have it for breakfast, brunch, lunch, afternoon tea and dinner!

So, Honey Monster is straight out the equation, sure he's probably a hit with the lady as he's hung like a horse, but Sugar Puffs after the first 2 bowls taste like sugared cardboard (and I should know after spending two years living on the streets of Bournville, where everything is sugar coated except the black hearts of the residents!!!)

Coco the Monkey sounds like fun, I mean you get to swing about with your mates, and it's a pleasent enough tasting cereal. To change it up a bit you could suck all the chocolate off the coco pops before putting them in your bowl giving you rice crispies. And where the hell is Coco going to get all this bloody milk!?!? (well not bloody milk, that'd just be wrong) But the main reason it's a no no is the fact that recently Coco's been plagued by crocodiles, I mean you could never go for a swim for fear of being eaten/gang raped. And how selfish IS Coco, why the hell couldn't he share the coco puffs with the crocodiles anyway? These advertising tycoons need to answer me, I think they'll be joining Gerry Anderson, when I find where I put him...

Tony the Tiger it is then. Sure he has tooth cancer from years of sugary neglect and he's on the endangered species list, but Tigers are cool! Look at the Tamil Tigers... they're my favourite football team.