Once burnt...

The other night, after a nice relazing evening (Relazing being a cross between relaxing and being lazy, not to be confused with relayzing which is a sexual position involving two oranges and a panda) my long suffering lady friend requested a hot beverage in the form of some Horlicks.

Being the knight in shining armour (literally that particular night) that I am, I agreed to make it her. Not many people know this, but Horlicks was first invented in 283 BC by Yuri Gambal, a farmer who was going through hard times. His wife had left him and she got the sheep in the divorce, so all that Yuri had were his herd of Horls, 1 legged flightless birds with the head of a cat.

One bad day his favourite Horl (called Vinny but changed to Bob in the bible due to poor translation) was killed in a freak spoon accident. Yuri was so attached to the Horl that he had it cremated, a few days later his friend Zeus came over to stay and brought his cow, who Yuri married later. Zeus to cheer Yuri up decided to make him some hot milk, and wanted to sweeten it up, mistaking the Horl remains for sugar Zeus stirred it in. The resulting drink was delicious, Zeus told Yuri what he had done and that they could be partners in making a great hot beverage. Yuri thought long and hard about it before he killed his friend and took all the profits himself.

Fastforward to present day: I put the milk into a cup and put it in the microwave, thinking nothing of it, as I always put it in for 2 minutes.

BIG MISTAKE

BEEP BEEP! It was done, I opened the microwave and grabbed ahold of the handle of the mug, not knowing that it was a trap (Admiral Akbar would have warned me!)

Instant pain shot up my arm, I let go of the cup, splashing the scolding milk all over the place, I screamed in agony and then looked up. My microwave had gone...

I turned round and grabbed a knife with my un-burnt hand, it took me back to my days in Nam. (Nam-field day care centre) the back door swung open, it had escaped. I was able to see it run down my garden before it turned round, displayed "DIE" on it's LED screen and vanished.

I'll be ready next time, mark my words Microwave!

Microwave Antics

Today I decided to have a microwaveable meal from Tesco's. After walking past the cake Isle and "accidently" knocking over and destroying there Mince Pies, I arrived at the "Ready meal" section and picked up something "tasty" for my lunch. (mental note, don't use as many "quote" marks in a "sentence" again)

However, as I put it in the microwave I noticed a button on the front of the microwave. The Button read "STOP TIME".

I had no idea that microwaves were that sophisticated that they could stop time itself!!
Fearful of what the overlord who I work for would do with our time stopping device I did the only logical thing, I destroyed the microwave with my bear hands, yes I said Bear not Bare.
After successfully defending my home from Bear Attacks last weekend, I made a pare of gauntlets from the carcass's and used them to smash the powerful time stopping device.

I then buried the remains of the microwave in seperate locations, so that's what I've been doing today, and they say my job is dull!!!