The Absurd Practical Joke

My long suffering lady wife Louise and I were having a conversation the other day about baby photo books. We've got a lovely baby book off of our good friend Pope, but Louise was also wanting to get a photo album.

My brain is like god. It moves in mysterious ways. (and to an aethist, doesn't exist)

Louise had stated that she'd like to have a photo album that our child could look back at when my brain suddenly came out with an idea. I considered the idea for all of five nanoseconds before I dismissed it as ridiculous.

But I did share the thought with her however, and now, as my loyal reader(s), I shall submit the idea to you so that maybe you could use it instead or dismiss it as the lunacy that it is.

I proposed that we get a photo album and take lots of pictures like my long suffering lady wife Louise had suggested, however, at the same time we get pictures of an Asian family with a Caucasian baby and fill up another baby book.

Then one day, we tell them. We're not their real parents, and out comes the baby book with the Asian family. We then get them to pack up some luggage for a fortnight and tell them we're taking them to stay with their real parents for two weeks. Then when we get to the airport we tell them that we're all going to Disney World instead!

Price of a photo-album: £15
Holiday to Disney World: £600
The Look on their face as it dawns on them that you are the worst parent ever: Priceless
For everything else there's social services.

So yeah, really not a good idea at all, and honestly I'd never do something like that to anyone, but it does make me worry that somehow my brain fired that idea off to me. I think I need to get it examined.

Curtain Call

15 - Curtain Call

The feeling you get when an audience appreciates what you've done is the best drug money can't buy. It's a high you can't feel any other way and it's more addictive than a packet of your favourite biscuits.

This "high" had entranced both myself and Hagley for some time. Those "happy" days of theatre life all mingle into one when I try and think about it now, probably as a defence mechanism that my brain uses to block out painful or just plane crazy sights.

So, we'd been working in the theatre day in day out, eating the grey gloop that was provided and getting a standing ovation from a crowd of floating faces and all those thoughts we'd once had about finding loved ones had disappeared. We were "happy". Except that was an act too. When it came down to it, we were prisoners, forced to do the bidding of the floating brains in jars or be vaporised for our insubordination!

Now Panto season comes to a close, and what a bloody finale I have for you.

It was a night like any other and myself and Hagley were oblivious to what was coming our way. You see whilst we were in the bubble of the Theatre, some other developments had happened outside our four walls.

My old pal Molly, the freak with the elongated neck, purplish skin and currently guardian of my two talking cats, had been discovered and "Rescued" by a powerful force that had arisen. They'd told their "saviours" what had happened (as Simba had seen us be captured, but was too much of a pussy-cat to do anything about it) and they reported this back to their leaders.

The new force decided to stage a rescue attempt as both myself and Hagley were known to their leaders from the before The End times.

It was the first time I encountered The Gray Republic, and I should have known from their no-nonsense approach to their mission to "save" us, that things weren't as "friendly" as they appeared. My god I'm using a lot of quotation marks.

Hagley and I were halfway through our performance of our Glee style mash up of "Gold Digger" and "Purple Rain" in the panto Aladdin and The Beanstalk when suddenly the lights went out. There was silence for a few moments and the audience started getting restless.

The silence didn't last long, as the left hand side of the theatre exploded and what I can only describe as grey coloured stormtroopers from Star Wars, came crashing through opening fire on the audience. The directors fought back of course, using the lasers that had vaporised so many cast members and hopeful auditionees in their time. It was a bloody battle, but the Gray's won it.

The Audience were dead when in walked someone I'd not seen in a long time. I noticed The End had not been kind to him as his walked over to me dressed in grey armour that had seen more action than a pretty prostitute. I didn't recognise him at first as the left side of his face was badly burnt, but when he smiled I realised to my horror who it was. He spoke with his Wolverhampton accent "Alrite Hagley, did yow miss me?"

It was Hagley's boyfriend Myke. I looked at her and she fainted, an effect that I have on women, but today it was down to it being the return of her long thought dead partner. I too was happy to see him but my happiness wasn't long lived as Hagley's sister scuttled over to see him with her freakish spider legs.

"Myke, you're alive! Thank god"

In one move he pulled out a pistol and shot her through the head. "Kill all the freaks, orders are orders"

"Who's orders?" I asked in defiance.

"Under the orders of Emperor Gray!" he replied.

I knew who he was talking about, my friends Jayme and JoJo Gray. I wondered what had become of the Grays to make them so Anti-Mutant.

"I'm sure Jayme wouldn't want you to go killing people he knows, he knew Hagley's sister!"

Myke looked at me gone out and then said "I don't work for Jayme or JoJo you fool. I work for The Emperor"

My mind raced, if not Jayme or JoJo, then who? So I asked him.

"If not Jayme or Jojo, then who!?"

"Why Elliot of course... their son. Our illustrious leader!"

The last time I'd see Elliot, he was but a baby, however now he was in charge of this militia who were systematically killing off mutants! One of the soldiers went to shoot Leo, I tried to stop him and got knocked out.

When I awoke, I was a guest of Emperor Elliot and all was not well...

Deadly Premonition : The Review

Due to the fact that most of the people who read this blog wouldn't know what a Goomba is, I don't tend to write reviews on computer games, however today is an exception as I review Deadly Premonition.

I'd first heard of this title several years ago when it was called Rainy Woods. The trailer looked like a love letter to Twin Peaks and I couldn't wait to play it. Then I learnt is was an American release only, great sadness for Adamicus's Xbox 360 then!

However, they changed the name to Deadly Premonition and I got this game last year sometime.

I have tried to review this game for sometime now, but it's really hard to put my thoughts and feelings down onto paper or in this case on the keyboard. It's down to the fact that Deadly Premonition, isn't a game. Yet it isn't a film. It's a interactive experience that transcends what I would consider to be a mild form of entertainment to a work of art that absorbed me body and soul into it's narrative.

I can honestly say that I've never played a "game" like it. On completion of the game I simply turned off my console and sat there, processing the last few moments of the thrilling conclusion in both abject horror and biter sweet happiness. It was a few days before I played a game again as I really felt emotionally drained.
Just to be clear, as a game, this is far from perfect. But as an experience there truly is nothing else like it out there.

There won't be spoilers in this due to my respect for the source material and not wanting to ruin the journey for any of you who decide to play this.

So, what the hell is Deadly Premonition? Well I'd define it as a 3rd Person Psychological Horror.

The set-up is simple: In the town of Greenvale, a local girl has been murdered and the FBI have decided to bring in it's finest, Special Agent Francis "York" Morgan, to help solve it. But that truly is just the surface, and the idyllic town soon shows it's true colours as another girl is murdered.

The main character, Francis "York" Morgan, is an enigma from the get go. He breaks the fourth wall on several occasions referring to you as "Zach". The other characters in the game notice this but he always tells them not to ask him about Zach. When you're driving around in your car, York will begin to talk to you about films from the 80's. Even asking you questions about films and his opinion on it. It's not that dissimilar to American Psycho, where Bateman is talking about music seconds before burying an axe into a guys head. York is brash, impolite at points, untrustworthy of everyone and superstitious, he also has a mysterious past to add to his repertoire.

So he's a bit of an oddball, which is good news as the rest of the town is full of them. From Thomas a sheriff's deputy who is just a little camp to Sigourney the "pot" lady who is always worried that her pot will get cold to Harry Stewart a wheelchair bounded millionaire with a skull gas mask over his face. They're all weirdo's, except Emily, the lady police officer who seems to be the only normal person in town and also York's love interest.

The killer is known as "The Raincoat Killer" which is a pretty cool name and Raincoat looks pretty cool in a red raincoat, glowing eyes and an axe he takes around with him. He's not the only baddy you'll be facing as for some reason, when it rains and at night and in places where you're on your own, Greenvale becomes populated with zombies. Not just regular zombies, these guys literally bend over backwards like they're in the world limbo championships. They move slowly then suddenly speed up, also they have a weird blur surrounding which is a great visual effect when they appear. If they catch you, they don't eat your brains, instead they force their hand down your throat. It's pretty f**ked up. They can also take quite a beating, with several bullets before they finally go down. They can carry weapons sometimes and then there's the really annoying one that looks like the girl from The Ring. She's a bit of a mini boss and keeps turning up. She takes FOREVER to kill, which gets annoying when at one point, you're facing 3, one after another.

There's a lot to do in Greenvale and you're encouraged to take your time with the case. You can go fishing, play darts, take part in time trials, investigate Mystery spots where you can unlock new weapons, do side missions that reveal more about the characters and plot and collect cards that are scattered all over the place.
You've also got a map that has the location of everyone in Greenvale, so you can follow their movements. I had a particular disturbing discovery about one of the characters when I "peeked" through their window and found them doing something really really odd.

The game play is very much rinse and repeat. You goto a location, a cut scene happens, you investigate the location and then are on your own when zombies attack, here you'll also encounter Raincoat and have an on rails chase scene before uncovering the clues to lead you to the next location. The driving isn't great as your car feels pretty sluggish and the combat is dull. There's no multiple choice questions you can ask when you're speaking to someone either.

However, the narrative truly is the star. I played Deadly Premonition and from the get go I was hooked. York Morgan was like an old friend by the end, and the final act of the game got me quite emotional. I was awe struck with certain moments, laughing along with others and truly gobsmacked with the finale.

All this and for a low low price. Deadly Premonition is a budget title and you can currently pick it up for about £12.00. Also it's coming to Xbox Games On Demand service, so if you have a big enough hard drive and the price isn't too bad, it's well worth the investment. Especially if you like Twin Peaks.

It won't be everyone's cup of tea but for those of you who it strikes a chord with, play it till completion then tell me if you agree. SWERY, the creator is hoping to make a prequel, and I for one am hoping that too. More mainstream games should focus as much on the plot and characters as SWERY did as I've not come close to playing a game that can beat Deadly Premonition's emotional investment.

Well there you have it. Only took me over a year to get some of my thoughts about this seminal game down on this blog. Your current program of randomness will resume soon.

What's App Doc? : Mos Speedrun

Okay so for those of you who have the ability to purchase and play Apps to your hearts content, here's a little focus on a few Apps you may or may not know about that I would recommend.

Today, it's MOS SPEEDRUN (£1.19)

This is a cool little game where you control a character who looks like he's escaped Dr. Moreau's island unscathed. You control said mutant as you try and get from the start of a stage to the end (The end of a stage is a red letterbox... I'm not kidding) whilst avoiding zombies, bees, spikes, fireballs, drowning and other obstacles.

The controls are simple you have Left and Right in the bottom left corner and an Up arrow for jumping in the bottom right. The controls are quite responsive and your fingers don't obscure what's going on (like they can do in a lot of other apps)

Each stage has four medals to get. One for completing it, one for collection all the coins in the stage, one for collecting a hidden mask and one for doing it under a certain time (hence the title Speedrun) There are 25 stages in total split over 5 levels and become unlocked as you get medals for completing stages.

The music in the game sounds like what music will be like in the year 4000, when Japanese Robots have conquered the world, got bored and decided to organise a rave.

When you die, and you will, you start the stage again, however you will be joined by the ghost of your last attempt, complete with seeing your past self impaled on the same spike that killed you. The graphics fit well with the old school style of the game and each stage has a particular theme. One little thing I do enjoy is the zombies walk around with a sad look on their face, but if they kill you they smile, so at least they're happy. Your little ladybird mutant has four costumes to choose from, one is a bee costume which makes him look even more f**ked up so I tend to wear that the most.

Like most of these seemingly simple games, the difficulty does ramp up as you play, so be warned.

All in all it's a fun title that has a lot of replay value all for £1.19 or try the "lite" version for free.

Promises Promises

There will be a new blog, relating to my Journal of A Post Apocalyptic Office Drone soon I promise you. I'm just spending the free time I DO have putting the final touches to Edward Lobe : Dead Before Dawn before it's sent off somewhere (a landfill probably)

I'll be a father next month and imagine that most of my free time will then be absorbed by family rather than random posts/films. It's been a busy few months for me hence why this blog is gathering dust. It makes me sad to think that there's at least 1 person who reads this and won't have anything to read for a while and I don't want to lose my one reader now do I!?

So when I get an hour to myself I'll write a few Journals in advance and stagger them like me on a Saturday night.

In other news I've finished writing a short film called "Mobius Man" that will be filmed this summer. It's the horror equivalent to Ground Hog Day. It reads like an episode from the twilight zone which is what I was hoping.

We've pretty much cast the next to Edward Lobe films, with the BRILLIANT Izzy Paige and Scott Noble coming on board.

And finally there are 3 new Stoopid Studios projects which I'm writing/have written.

Contingency - A comedy about an emergency contingency planning committee set in the same "world" as my post apocalyptic journal blog

Foley Falls - A psychological horror about four men searching for a missing girl, but whilst they search for her in the woods, something searches for them.

The Disappearance of Terrence Fledwick - Okay, this is going to be a mind-f**k. I've had some crazed ideas in my time, but this takes the soggy biscuit and everything that goes on top of it. In this film the fourth wall will be demolished and the whole thing will be a mess of plot threads, characters and intrigue.

Well, that would probably also go a long way to show you that I HAVE been writing... just not on my blog :(

With that, I should go and feed the cyclops in the cellar (not a euphemism for my penis) as he is getting hungry. I do promise I'll update this blog with something a bit tasty soon.

Ciao!

More Stoopid Studio News

Stoopid Studios have a new website after our last website gained sentience and began to bid on ebay.

www.stoopidstudios.weebly.com

I'll be diverting my time between this page (which is gathering dust and I'm sure my readers no longer visit due to large gaps between updates) and the stoopid studios page.

We've got two more Lobe films coming and a slew of ideas that will hopefully come to fruition. I've also got back my good lady's laptop which had the only surviving footage of ENDLESS SETLIST which maybe someday will be compiled and aired, stranger things have happened.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about Journal, which you've probably stopped reading now. It will be finished and will be worth the wait (hopefully you'll think so too)

In other news, I'll be a dad very soon and am very excited to be able to have a miniature version of me to annoy and plague with my pointless conversations.

Ciao for now homo sapiens!

16 - Opening Night

16 Opening Night

We rehearsed for the Panto for 2 hours. That's all the time we had before the "audience" would arrive. To say I was a little under-prepared would be a down rite lie. I had never been so un-prepared for something since my GCSE's.

Before I knew it, it was time for our performance and I couldn't tell if the butterflies in my stomach were there because I was nervous about performing in front of an audience for the first time in a long time or if I had butterflies because if my performance wasn't up to scratch I'd be vaporised.

My Pre-End dreams were quite nice compared to the ones I suffer each night in this nightmarish reality, however one of the reoccurring ones I had in my past was about going onto a theatre stage with no idea of my lines or what I was doing. I always thought, in my dream, how has it come to this? How has the director let me get to this point? But here I was. About to live my dream, which was really more of a nightmare thinking about it.

I stood in the wings as music began to play from the pit, all coming from musical instruments that had no one playing them of course. The music they were playing, I'd never heard before, and then the curtains opened to reveal our "chorus" or "ensemble" if you're trying to give them a fancy name.

Remember, I'd not seen the chorus, I'd been in a room for two hours with a half spider, a man made of stone, a singer who couldn't sing and a transvestite, trying to come up with a show to perform. In reality we only came up with a loose plot as an hour and a half was taken up with Ben Orlock, the man of stone, regaling us with a story about when he played the King of Hearts. So these Chorus members, were all new to me. I didn't even know we had a chorus.

The chorus consisted of various lobotomised individuals, including Farren (who had been sitting in the corner of the rehearsal room) wearing his fancy Bermuda shorts. The curtain had been up several minutes before the chorus began to move. They did a little dance (if you can call it that) and then scarpered off.

For several moments the stage was empty. I looked into the other wings and saw all the other cast members looking both confused and scared, all thinking the same thing. Who would be the first to go on? I'd like to say that I had the balls to make the first move, but it was the guy without any balls who did. Leo East, the widow Twanky.

I've got to hand it to him, he was amazing. He had obviously been doing this for a long time and I think the fact he now believed that he was no longer acting, but was in fact the widow Twanky helped his performance. The Audience were laughing and cheering at the correct moments and it made me relax a little bit.

Next on came the hero of the piece, Jack. played by Izzy Book. Izzy, as I had stated, used to be fantastic. Used to be. This girl began her song and my brain nearly liquidized. It was the most shrill, awful, and downright spine tingling noise I'd ever heard. Ever wake up to hear cats having sex? They make a noise that is creepy and painful at the same time. The vocals that came from Izzy made me want to go out and buy a CD of cat sex noises, it was that bad.

But she was applauded! My god, they loved her! I couldn't quite get over this, and once again I relaxed. If they liked that, then I was sure they'd like me. But next came the daughter, played by Hagley's half-arachnid sister, Jaki. I heard someone shout "My god, what is it!?" before hearing a noise that was that someone being vaporised. (Audience participation is mandatory, but only at the allotted moments)

I had to take my hat off to Jaki, if I'd been wearing one I mean, as even though her spider legs were vomit inducing to look at, they made her a great dancer. The tap number she did would have made Fred Astair look like a drunk-hobo on a podium at a nightclub.

They cleared the stage and the villain came on, Ben Orlock. His first scene, lasted an hour. AN HOUR! As he repeated his lines over and over and over and over and over and over again. I was about to drift off when I realised it was mine and Hagley's time to shine (or die)

She squeezed my hand and smiled at me, this whole event had cleared her insanity for a moment it seemed, and we went onto the stage.

When you're on a stage, it sometimes hard to see the audience thanks to the bright lights from the lighting rig, but there were no lights in this production, so I could see the auditorium was full of smiling faces. No bodies, just faces. Scary scary faces, like something the BBC would have rejected for a Dr. Who episode as they were too scary.

For a moment, Hagley and I just stood there looking at them. Their smiles slowly dropped and the look of joy on their faces seemed to be being replaced by anger. We had to do something, and do it fast. Hagley began and before I knew it we had them laughing their socks (impossible as they didn't have them) off.

That's all I remember about that first night, the following nights all merged into one and Hagley and I had been performing for the best part of four months (pre-end time) before we were rescued from the trance we'd fallen into. But our escape wasn't easy, and a lot of good people died.

On that note, I'm heading off to bed. Hopefully I'll survive to continue this tale...