Saturday, 31 January 2009

The Joys of Television Eurovision Reality TV

What the hell is wong with the state of television today? I can't enjoy a saturday's night entertainment without being forcefed with another reality tv show starring G.I.Joe public!

It's not that I don't like reality tv programs, they can have some of the most genuinely amusing, heat warming... wait... I'm speaking shit. The only good reality tv programs are ones with conflict in them, stuff where a contestant is reduced to tatters... you see we've not really evolved far from the days of Rome, where a saturday's entertainment would be throwing the christians to lions... now instead of lions we have a pannel of judges with your obligitory "nasty" judge, who all the doe eye hopefuls sell their souls to try and impress, only to be rediculed and humiliated, and instead of the christians we have whiny annoying shells of human beings, people who have nothing left to live for.... so it's just the lions that have changed then...

The thing I hate most is the pleading from the contestants on a regular basis as to why you should get off your fat arse, go the phone, dial a number and add in excess of £1.50 to your phone bill. "Please vote for me, my mum and dad are parapalegic, blind, mute piano players, who have both just lost their jobs and can't afford the medicine that will keep them alive, and if I win this it will enable me to pay for that medicine, you could save their lives if you just press the red button!" and you get the sob story of "this whole compettion means the world to me, my life is this competition, if you do not vote for me I will die... please, I will suck your ****, please, I'm begging you... what do you want? Do you want me to bleed? I'll do anything!!!"

Ok, a bit to far, but you get the gist.

The latest offle, sorry... offering from the BBC is a eurovision reality tv program, where the contestant has the (honour?) of representing us at the eurovision. If that wasn't bad enough, they've wheeled our Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber again, from whatever sanitarium he resides in mon-fri, to co-host this shit with Graham Norton wearing one of his trade mark vomit enducing suits, that look like it's something a child would design and is made from the same material your Ironing board covers made from. Lord Webber, who everyday is looking more and more like a cross between Toad of Toad Hall and Darth Vader sans Helmet in Star Wars : Return of the Jedi, wrote the song that the (talented?) winner will evenutally throw up infront of the rest of europe.

I used to have nothing but respect fro The Lord, but after seeing him in this show I've started to question my loyalties. Lord Webber can write some great musicals, and is a very talented man... however a two legged dog with rabies could produce a better song for Eurovision than the abortion that Webber has put forth from his aging loins... Plus the final three acts are kinda normal, I mean they can all hold a tune and are your regular X-Factor ilk, but the BBC seem to have forgotten that you only win the Eurovision for two reasons. 1 - other countries are scared of your country invading them so they vote you or 2 - your act is a combination of mutant/trans-sexual/paedophile/euro-trash/ewok.

The BBC did address the political angle of Eurovision, by taking the 3 acts to the houses of parliament... and introduced us to Mp4... a in-house band that the MP's have... I couldn't believe it... so this is where all our hard earned money goes, on providing musical instruments/lessons to the MP's in house band! We're in a recession, and probably due to the in house battle of the bands they've been doing. No one is running the country, they're all too busy rocking out... at least they didn't show us MP4 in action, I may have slammed my head through the television in disgust. Can the politicians please stop learning new riffs for one f***ing second and figure us a way out of the economic turmoil that we're in? Please?

If it were up to me, and it never is, I would assemble the likes of Andrew Lloyd Webber and put them into a hannibal lector style facility where they could write masterpieces and not placed in a reality tv-show every time. The Eurovision is crap. I hear some people saying, "but Adamicus, I like Eurovision" well I can see why you'd like it, it can be mildly entertaining, but seriously, it's like a Rugby Theatre Pantomime, once you've lived through one you know what to expect next time, and it all becomes scarily familiar. Why don't the do Eurovision like the Olympics... no I don't mean drug test them, or you wouldn't get half the countries on stage, what I mean is do it every four years!

Well good luck to the lady who DID win the show, I hope your career is better than that of Gemini, who I believe were found dead in their own feces. Good night!

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Movie of my life!!!

Steven Spielburg and I have been looking at a project to do together since I declined having a part in his ill-advised attempt at Shindlers List 2 - The Jews Strike Back...

Over a cup of coffee and a bagel, he suggested that we make a film of my life! I thanked Steven, (or Susan as he likes to be called by his close friends and relatives) for his interest, and said I'd get back to him.

My life as a film, what genre would it be? I mean, at first I thought, gross out comedy. But then I realised I was selling myself short, so in the end I decided on a Surreal Musical Thriller, Sci-fi Horror, Romantic Comedy, Western War Movie, Drama Re-Make with english subtitles.

Susan was intrigued and asked me which actors we should cast.

Well for me, I think Jim Carrey is a no brainer however he's not english but depending on his audition we might get through it... a close contender is Rowan Atkinson for the part of me.
My group of friends were easier to cast, Royston = Vinnie Jones, Polly = Anthony Hopkins, Braymachine = John Goodman, Milli = the girl who plays cassie in sking and Pope = Dame Judy Dench.

That's when I found out that Susan was just going to produce the film, I asked who'd be directing it and she/he told me it would be George Lucas.

I ended negotiations at that point, I'm not having any medi-chlorines in my movie. Looks like I'll have to pitch it to Danny Boyle now...

Zombie Survival : Day Nine

The thick plottens!!

So, there I was captured by my ex-friends (kinda like the x-men but without the powers and not as friendly) wondering if they were going to leave me here to die or if they were going to feed me to the zombies. The room I was in was lacking any kind of amenities, and I couldn’t tell where I was as the windows were all barred up with Bamboo.

I heard a noise at the door to my (cell?) and decided I’d jump whoever it was, knocking them out, and get the hell out of here. I heard a bamboo key turn in the bamboo lock, and I prepared myself for the ensuing battle.

As soon as the figure stepped in the room I leapt on them, we tussled for a while, then I realised that it was Polly I was tussling with and that he was still completely naked. Being completely creeped out by this fact I let him go and shuddered to myself for some time.

Polly explained to me that he believed that the Zombie Virus ™ was too dangerous, and he wouldn’t let anyone leave the island for fear of spreading it to the mainland. That was why he had shot at Royston, and at us. When quizzed as to why he was naked he just stared at me.

Royston came in the room at this time, shuddered at the sight of Polly and then confronted me. He told me that he was beyond pissed off about our current predicament, and blamed me for the deaths (or un-deaths) of Braymachine and Pope, and that if it was up to him, he’d kill me where I stood, however he wanted my help to destroy the island.

I did ask the scientists to place several counter-measures, just in case, to kill of the un-dead. It was never revealed to me as to what they actually were. I explained to Royston and Polly that this was the case, all the while trying not to catch Polly in my peripheral line of sight for fear of seeing a little too much of my naked crazed friend.

Polly made it very clear that we had to stop this twisted experiment of mine, and that we needed to find out what the counter-measures were and how to activate it before the others do whatever it is they’re doing here.

At this point I remembered that Cap’n Skipper had had luggage on his boat, and that I had wondered who it belonged too. I asked Polly what he meant by “others”? Polly then told me that I wasn’t the only one interested in Nefarious’s zombie population…

My brother was on the island, with a crap team… sorry, crack team. Polly overheard them talking about getting a sample of Zombie Virus ™ and selling it to the highest bidder, probably on ebay.

My brother Kristofus was captured as a youth and experimented on by Nazi American Indians who in-turn were trying to create a being of pure evil. It seems that the evil I have unleashed on the island has now been eclipsed by the tyrant that is my brother. Polly didn’t see the other members of his team, but chances are I probably know them.

The naked crazed man and Royston were right of course, I had to help them stop the Zombie Virus ™ before my brother could use it for pure(er) evil!

Car Advert

I was watching a car advert the other night, through laziness, not by choice...

There's some kid in a car, who picks up a cow using her hands and places it on top of a petrol station's roof. Irresponsible!!! If I was her father, I'd stop the car and make her take it off again.
So, put yourself in the petrol station guys shoes. You're working in the middle of nowhere, you've been called in to work even though it's supposed to be your day off in a typical Clerks moment, at a petrol station which seldom see's any traffic.

So you're helping yourself to a sly Slush Puppy when all of a sudden you hear a "Moooo". You open the door to see on top of your petrol station roof, there is a cow.

You immediatly realise that someone in a vauxhall has driven past and irresponsibly let their child use the god like powers that the car gives them, to put a cow on your roof. You're now tasked with getting the cow down, then your mobile goes off, it's the hospital... your wife was attacked by rabid wolverines and they need you down there asap. But... there's a cow on your roof, what do you do?

These car adverts never think of the little people, and that's why I don't drive...

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Zombie Survival : Day Eight

A Zombiefied Humperdink (Scary Thought!!)

Life is a rollercoaster, it’s full of ups and downs and it gets scary just before you throw up… plus it doesn’t last long, and there are always big queues…

Well, I had just realised that I had A) come back from being zombiefied and B) I had eaten someone. I was a little disappointed however, as I hadn’t seemed to change in anyway shape or form. Whereas Braymachine had turned into a ravenous tank of a machine and Pope had turned into a flying creature of death, I was just little old, blood soaked, me.

After leaving the relative safety albeit blood stained, I found that I was indeed in Port Venture, and on further examination Cap’n Skipper’s boat was anchored up, so he had come back to us after all. I made sure the coast was relatively zombie clear and “pegged it” to the boat. I would need the keys to get it started, and I presumed that Cap’n Skipper had them.
That’s when I noticed luggage… Cap’n Skipper had brought some people with him!! But where were they now?

One thing was certain, I did not want to spend one more god forsaken second on this zombie infested island. However just like having 2 Christmas dinners it sounds good on paper, but when you experience it for yourself it’s more painful… and keeps you anchored to the toilet for a few hours!!! But could I just get the keys off of Cap’n Skipper and leave any friends I had and these new people, to their inevitable fates?

The answer was a resounding, yes. What the hell, I thought, they’re probably already dead, and I had no wish to join the ranks of the un-dead again. So I did what I thought was best at the time, and that was to go back to Cap’n Skipper’s corpse and take the keys!
I snuck back into town and into the bamboo shack where Skipper was laying in a pool of his own blood/urine. (I think that’s how he’d like to be remembered) I put my hand in his pocket and felt around… I wondered why his keys were testicle shaped and what they were stuck on… then realised I was grabbing a dead man’s balls… so I turned him over and put my hand in his back pocket, sure enough the keys were there!

It was at this point that Cap’n Skipper decided to stand up… now I had my hand in the pocket of a zombie… luckily Skipper hadn’t noticed me just yet and was more concerned with leaving the bamboo hut… I tried to get my hand out of his back pocket but it was stuck, so I had to follow him, like all those people in the golden goose story, except this time the goose was a zombified sea dog.

The cap’n decided that he wanted to go towards a large group of other zombies who were spending their time eating the remains of what appeared to be a cow. Then he stopped, sniffed, and turned 180 degrees, luckily I went with him. The next thing I new I heard a gunshot and a bullet went into Skipper’s chest…

I looked up, someone must have been trying to save me, it was Polly sans clothes, and with claw marks on his shoulders. Polly shot again at Skipper’s shoulder…that’s when I realised that he wasn’t aiming for Skipper, he was aiming for me!!!
Using zombie Skipper as a zombie shield, I ran forwards towards the boat, all the while having bullets thudding into the confused Skipper. As I reached the boat, I was able to free my hand from Skipper’s trousers and pull the keys out. Pushing Skipper into the water as I fled, I jumped into the boat, and put the keys in the ignition.

That’s when I heard Royston say “Not going to happen” that’s when he knocked me out… I woke up in a crude hut, the bamboo door is locked and the bamboo windows are boarded up with bamboo. I am now a prisoner I guess of Polly and Royston. Where Milli is I have no idea…

Just when I thought I could save my own oily hide, I’m stopped by a mad naked guy and Royston! The story of my life I spose…

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Zombie Survival : Day Seven cont...

urrr.... uuuuurrrrr....

uuuuuurrrr urrr wikipedia... urrr uuuuur

urrr rur ruurrr

uuuuuurrrrrighty then. Holy shit!

I'm... I'm... back! Ding Dong bang a gong, I'm... ALIVE!! YATTA!!!!

I've been to the otherside, got the t-shirt and came back... But where the hell am I?
I can taste a lot of blood... have I? Have I eaten someone?... hmm...

Well the zombie cure works, that's a bonus, there doesnt' seem to be any side effects, maybe if I could inject Braymachine and Pope, it'd bring em back to normal... or maybe not. I should really find where Milli, Royston and Polly are at... I seem to be on my own, in a bamboo shack of some kind, and... ah, there's a body on the floor. I hope it's not anyone I know/care about...

Phew... It's Cap'n Skipper!! Which means, I must be in Port Venture, he must have come back for us, which means his boat must be here. Right, I'll update you soon.

Zombie Survival : Day Seven

uuuuurrr..... uuuuuuuuurrrrrrr.....

uuuurrr..... brraaiiiinnnsss......


It seems that Advertising executives are trying to get their adverts onto clip shows for bizarre adverts these days.

I can't turn the television on at the moment without being smacked in the face by an advert of pure randomness and bewilderment. The usual culprit is the obligitory Car Advert.

It used to be a given that a car advert would be about the car and not just feature the car. The latest advert that made me re-evaluate my life however was a Glade advert on Channel 4.

Picture the scene, a mum and her son. The son, who is about 6 I guess, informs his mother (out of sync I believe) that he wants a poo. At this point, I'm thinking, ok this is a nappy advert for potty changing or a new kids bog roll that is softer than wiping your pre-pubesent arse on a teddy bears innards. Plus I'd rather not know which number this kid wants, couldn't he have just said "I need the toilet"? I could have been eating my dinner ffs!

The mother tells her child that he should just go use the toilet, to which the boy replies "I want to poo at Jack's? house".

So I'm thinking, what the hell is this an advert for? For a second I thought the reason he wanted to go to Jack's house was because he wanted to ride in the new vauxhall, and the whole thing had been a set up for the latest car.

Then the reveal. Jack's house has Glade!

Riight, so what the hell is this advert trying to say. Is it saying buy Glade so that you will encourage your children and all their friends to use your toilet? If anything, this advert makes me NOT want to buy Glade, for fear of a knock on the door from a random 6 year old who wants nothing more than to releave his sugar coated bowels in my Woodland Grove scented bathroom.

I seriously wonder WHO designs these adverts??? Maybe I should find out...

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Zombie Survival : Day Six

Well, out of the long line of history's worst decisions, my decision to create and then personally travel to a zombie infested island is right up there, next to sailing on the titanic or moving to Iraq.

I really should have thought this through and am regretting it more than that time I got my balls stuck in a toaster... I had to toast them to get them out by the way.

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise, blair witch style (minus the snot), to the families and loved ones of the doomed souls I brought with me. To Mrs. Braymachine, I'm sorry you'll never know the joys of having children with Mr. Braymachine, but at least you can cancel the direct debit with Domino's Pizza now. To Pope's family, I'm sorry you'll never be able to see your daughter go through re-hab, she's in a better place right now. To Royston's better half, I'm sorry but I think he's going to miss his wedding day... it's not his fault, he'll probably be dead. To Milli's loved ones, I'm sorry she was scottish, but it's not her fault. To Polly's loved one's, the up side is that you wont have to hear his wierd music again... and the downside is... um... well Pub Quizes wont be as easy...

Royston and I had concucted a plan that was short of genius, using everyday house hold objects in what can only be described as sheer A-Team brilliance, we were able to construct, over a montage of course, a hang glider!!! According to Royston's calculations, one of us would be able to glide past the zombies by climbing a very tall tree we passed, then that person would glide over the zombies through the tunnel and into the secret laboratory, and from the laboratory turn on the security system gun turrets that I "found on the dead but no longer mad scientists PDA". (I actually didn't find it on the PDA, I already knew about it.)

So then we had to decide who would be gliding, I personally didn't want to take the risk and told them as I am short sighted and didn't have my glasses, I'd probably miss the tunnel completley. Milli couldn't do it as she was Scottish, so Royston, once again had to take the inniative.

He went off with the hang glider in tow, leaving me and Milli to watch from the window. I couldn't see much in the dark so took my glasses out from my coat pocket.

We waited with antici......pation for Royston's amazing flight. We waited for a few moments, and then, there he was, flying like a magestic eagle, closing in on the zombie ridden tunnel... then... a gunshot!!! Royston's flight was cut short, I looked up to where the shot had come from, it was POLLY! He was in a tree, pistol smoking in one hand whilst reading what looked like some "Keats" and completly... naked??

Polly had obviously gone Lord of the Flies crazy, so now we had zombies + crazed friend to deal with... Royston landed short of the zombies, but the gunshot had drawn their attention and they swarmed on Royston.. I heard him say "Not again" shortly before he ran for his life through some bushes with some zombies in toe, at least it was keeping him fit I suppose. This was our chance, Milli and I ran for the tunnel, bullets whizzing past us as we went from Polly's sniping poetry reading tree, then he jumped down infront of us, and stood between us and the tunnel.

Polly confronted me, and told me that he knew why we'd brought him to the island, I asked how he worked it out, and he told me that he hadn't worked it out, he'd read my blog! I asked why he shot Royston and why he was naked. He told me that he was the only one who deserved to live... yes he HAD gone Opal Fruit crazy. Then as he pulled the trigger he was swooped up into the air.

It seemed the Zombie Virus (tm) had had some different effects on Pope afterall, as I watched her fly into the distance, using her newly formed wings whilst holding Polly in her zombie talons.
Milli looked at me and asked if what Polly had said was true, I lied and told her I didn't even have a blog. I'm a bastard.

Milli and I began to walk down the tunnel, thanks to Roy clearing it with his unexpected diversion, then... the ground began to shake... I knew what was happening before it happened. Braymachine had found us, probably following the blood trail that my arm had been leaving!! Milli turned towards him and screamed... He ran towards us, and I ran away... Milli stayed screaming... I got to the door and closed it behind me. I was in the laboratory... but my friends were all un-dead/shit brick crazy/running through the bushes or soon to be ex-scottish.

Following the passageway I got to the secret laboratory, which were suprisingly empty, found the zombie cure (tm) and injected myself with it... the thing is... I don't feel any different and the bleeding isn't stopping. I'm sitting here in the laboratory looking through research notes and trying to work out how to get off the Island... actually I'm feeling pretty hungry. Could do with some steak, never been a fan of rare steak, but could actually do with something... the bloodier the better... I wodner if thyev gut a ketchin in hearr.. reuly hangry... muust eet sumfink...

Monday, 19 January 2009

Zombie Survival : Day Five cont...

Hello again, I apologise profusely for my lack of updating, but my battery ran out on this damned device and I had to wait till I got to a power supply to charge it up. Well since I last updated the situation has gone from bad, to worse, to “indifferent”. I’m minutes away from the secret laboratory from where I shall be able to get a cure for this Zombie Virus ™ well, hopefully anyway as if I don’t get the zombie cure ™ then I will join the relatively fast ranks of the un-dead. Since the incident with the mad scientist Polly is… oh wait! You’re probably wondering what the hell happened! Here am I gabbing on like a bored 9-5 office drone updating a blog!

Okay, so where were we…?

Ah yes, the bullet had left the chamber and was headed towards Royston, Milli and Polly… luckily for them, the mad scientist was much better at science than he was with a firearm and he missed wildly and shot off through the trees.

I used the opportunity to disarm the scientist, however we struggled and he fell head first onto the rock I had tried to kill the zombie with… killing the scientist straight away. Of course the questions came then as to the identity of the science corpse and why he was trying to shoot me. I feigned ignorance and Polly came over and took the gun off of the dead but no longer mad scientist.

Milli was not happy that Polly had the gun, she thought she should have it, I on the other hand thought that I should have the gun and obviously Royston thought that he should have the gun and we already knew how Polly felt about it as he was holding the gun… so we were in a predicament… Polly however came up with a really good idea. He said, we should all vote for another person, and the person who had the most votes gets the gun. We didn’t have any paper so he suggested we all stand in a circle, close our eyes and point at the person who should get to keep the only real defence we now had. So, we stood in a circle and I closed my eyes… the pain from my arm was really irritating me and hampering my cognitive abilities, but I thought through the pain.

Who should keep the gun? Royston so far had shown some guts but at the same time some cowardice, and he’s a bitter trigger happy, he’d probably use all our ammunition on one zombie. Polly was the most level headed guy out there and would only use the gun when it was absolutely necessary, but would he be too restrained with it? And Milli… well she was Scottish. But I had to choose one of them, so I pointed at Milli and opened my eyes… Polly was gone, with the gun.

“Well that’s just fucking fucktastic isn’t it?” Royston complained with muchos bravado. Milli started to cry, and I was slowly turning into a zombie… things weren’t looking good for us… until I searched the science corpse’s body and found… a PDA with a map of the island! HUZAH!!!

Looking at it, we weren’t too far away from the secret laboratory which housed the Zombie Cure ™. How convenient I thought…

After a trek through some harsh terrain, all the whilst my arm bleeding out, we came upon a tunnel… it was the entrance to the secret laboratory… only problem was the tunnel was full of zombies.

We found a small security hut outside the tunnel, where the zombies couldn’t see us and have hauled up here. Milli suggested waiting till night fall and getting past them when they sleep, Royston and I looked at each other in disbelief and began to conduct a different plan… but one that will use nightfall also… so now we wait…

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Fitness Freak

Holy hell in a low-fat muffin basket!

He's back... The Mc Hammer of the fitness world. I speak of course of Mr Motivator.

The Spandex-clad superhero of the fitness fad world is back and he's more pro-active than ever. I happened upon him whilst flicking channels whilst waiting for a lift to work one day. His neon outfit seared through the sleep enduced catarax I experience first thing in the morning, and set fire to my house.

After the fire service had put out the flames, I began to wonder about where the hell Mr. Motivator had been all this time? So I did a bit of digging... usually I'd go straight to Wikipedia, but thanks to fire damage, that was no longer an option.

Well, firstly his last name isn't really Motivator, so he's lying to us from the off-set!! How are we supposed to believe that he can help us loose weight when he lies to us about his real name!?

My detectives found out that his human name is Derrick Evans, and he was born in 1952 in Jamacia making him... just using my calculator... 2009 - 1952 = 57. Wow, for an old guy he sure like his lycra! {maybe a little too much...}

So after he left tv land, he went on to do some DVD's... not porn like most tv celebrities, but the other kind of DVD that TV people make... excercise ones! He released a few and then has been doing corporate events apparantly... hmm...

I wanted to have a chat with Mr. Motivator so I arranged a meeting at his Retreat in Mongolia. It was a little chilly, and he greeted me wearing his trademark bright leotards. I asked why he wore them and he told me that he wanted to make fitness fun, so wore bright coloured outfits to grab your attention, and not as I originally thought for sexual reasons. Fair play to him I thought, this guy honestly cares about keeping people in shape, and he's such a nice guy... but my spider senses were tingling. After his third glass of prune juice he excused himself to use "the facilities" which I presume he meant that he"needed a poo/wee/both".

Being the opportunist that I am, I used the opportunity to sneak about and route through his belongings... and that's when, whilst moving a book from the bookcase, I found a secret passageway, of course I followed it without thinking twice and it led me into a large robotics factory!

Suddenly Mr. Motivator appeared behind me, carrying a WWII german service revolver. He explained that he was a sophisticated robot from the future who had been sent back in time to make the world slim, and that now I knew I would have to die.

However I told Mr. Motivator that if I died, people would ask questions, and that if he let me live I wouldn't tell anyone el... oooh shit. So um, forget I said anything yeah?

Zombie Survival : Day Five

Before we'd gone to sleep in the wooded area we'd found after climbing out from the bottom of the waterfall, we'd arranged to take it in turns to keep a watchful eye on our surroundings for fear that the Braymachine or some zombies would stumble upon us. I slept like a baby that night, albeit a baby who was very ill, as when I woke up I was lying in my own puke. It was reminisant of waking up in a room I rented when I lived in worcester.

I looked up and saw Royston was on "guard" fast asleep, I needed to get rid of the sick so thought I'd go to the bottom of the waterfall and clean myself up.

As I approached the waterfall's base, I was suprised by a zombie. He hadn't seen me and was crouched down a few feet away eating something. Looking around me I found a large rock, and I carefully picked it up trying not to make any noise whatsoever. Then, with large rock held firmly in both hands, I crept up behind the zombie but and as I drew close raised my arms up... however, the rock was quite heavy, and as I rasied the rock high above my head, I realised that my lack of upper body strength and the forces of gravity were teaming up to fell me... like a domino I fell backwards, landing with a sickening thud... in a heart beat the zombie came at me, but I was too weak to move... I closed my eyes and prepared for the innevitable...

Obviously the zombie however didn't kill me or I wouldn't be updating you on my progress would I? It kind of draws away from any dramatic tension that I write to you dear readers, sitting there on your cosy chair/throne of bones/toilet seat without a care in the world.

As the zombie approached me, a loud gunshot pierced the air and the zombie fell to his knees, dead. I scrambled up to thank my savoir and was completly suprised to see that it was one of the scientists that I had posted to the island. I was about to thank him when he raised his gun up at me, and started raving on about it was all my fault, and I was the reason so many people had died. I argued with him that I didn't force him to contribute towards the Zombie Virus (tm) to which he reminded me that I had abducted him and most of his colleagues in the middle of the night and forced them to work for their freedom.

Looking back, I probably shouldn't have bought the island, abducted the scientists, forced them to make Zombie Virus (tm) or bought those magic beans off that wierd homeless guy... but hindsight wouldn't stop this (mad?) scientist from shooting me. At this point Polly, Royston and Milli turned up to find out where the gunshot had come from, the scientist turned his gun in there direction and shot at them in suprise. Everything happened in slow motion...

The bullet shot out the calibre, and headed towards Milli, Royston and Polly, all three of them like rabbits in the headlights, knowing that the bullet was going to hit one of them... The bullet span through the air for what seemed like an age, and drew closer with every mili-second. The three of them looked on at their innevitable fate and...

Oh great! The battery on this thing needs recharging, I better do it or I'll suddenly cut out without telling you wh


Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Zombie Survival : Day Four cont...

The scientists notes didn't do much to quell my fears, infact it made me more panicky than a dislexic black guy who realised he's accidently driven to the KKK in search of Kentucy Fried Chicken.

It turned out that I had a few days, like Pope, before turning into a mindless rotting bag of flesh and nashing teeth (but would still have more personality than your average Big Brother contestant!) However there was some light at the end of the tunnel, in the form of Zombie Cure (tm) which (like princess toadstool) was in the OTHER science lab!

I was about to leave when I realised... Polly and Milli would probably ask where Pope was... and I couldn't say "Oh, she has turned into a zombie and bit me, which means I will soon be joining the growing ranks of undead. Don't worry though, she wont be any danger as I locked her in the secret laboratory which created the zombie virus (tm) to which I had prior knowledge of!" I could really see them sympathising with me then.

That's when I realised I would be "that guy" the (coward) who was bitten by a zombie, knows the consequences of this and subsequently hides it from the rest of the group so that he could further his own miserable life before coming under the influence of death and killing a couple of people before having his head blown off, by usually the quiet one of the group! But I didn't care, I mean the clock was ticking and I didn't have too long before I'd be like your average Jeremy Kyle guest, so I did what I've been doing best so far... I lied.

So I left zombified Pope flailing inside a locker in the secret laboratory and went in search of Polly and Milli... I slowly climbed the staircase, holding a lead pipe (that I'd found in the billiard room next to Colonel Mustards mutilated corpse) and ready to bash any zombie brains in. I search a couple of floors of the hopital but couldn't find them... until the very last door I tried.

I looked through the window and to my horror saw Milli attacking Polly, she must have been bitten and we hadn't realised, so I burst through the door ready to save him...

Well, it turned out that Polly hadn't needed rescuing after all, and infact Milli and Polly had taken the time to assess the situation and thought they'd have a quick... ahem. Suffice to say I left the room, gave them a minute and then re-entered and we've not spoken about the events since, and likely never will...

When quizzed about Pope's whereabouts I lied. "Well, we were in luck you see as there was one last doctor left and he had an ambulance but not enough room for us AND Pope so I let him take her to a laboratory futher inland, to help her out." The little bit of false hope that I had just given them soon dissapeared when we heard shouting outside.

We ran to the window to see Royston screaming "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit..." and running back from the road he had fled down... but this time with no zombies following him. We rushed downstairs to greet Royston, but he just ran past us yelling "RUN!!!" as he...well ran.

We three looked at each other and then back the way he was fleeing from... and now it dawned on me exactly what the scientists had been wondering about... what kind of mutations someone who didn't have the incest-ridden genes of the Nefarians would experience...

The ground shook as what I can only describe as the incredible hulks flat mate came at us... it was the Braymachine... except he was much larger, his fat seemed to have been replaced with muscles and he (like the hulk) seemed very angry... oh and bitey.

I turned to suggest we concur with Royston's plan, only to be greeted with clouds of smoke from where Polly and Milli had already started running from. As I ran away from our impending doom I wondered if it made Braymachine into an unstopabble killing machine, then maybe Pope would turn into something... hopefully something that couldn't get out of a locker... then I wondered what would happen to me? What changes would my body go through... it was bad enough going through the changes of pubity let alone Zombie Virus (tm) changes!

Well we ran for the rest of the day until Royston we came to a large river... we had no choice but to dive in, lest the (Braymachine who was suprisingly agile for a man of his stature), catch up with us and do whatever it is large mutated zombified IT people do... I'd imagine it'd involve death and a Powerpoint presentation (the two things I fear most in the world!).

So we dived into the river, which was stronger than a yorkshireman's cup of tea, and were swept down stream. I didn't remember there being a waterfall on the brochure, but aparantly... there was. So after nearly drowning (to death?) we soggily got out of the water, and Royston (using his daytime television viewing) started a fire to warm us all up, using a book that Polly had stashed away written by Steven Fry (which thanks to his English wit, was dry-er than any other material on earth)

So we're lost... well they've been lost officially since day 1, but now I'm lost... I'm lost and slowly dying with three people who I would later try and kill... probably. Well maybe in the morning, with any luck, I'll get my bareings... oh and if you think that this blog is badly spelt or uses poor gramatical phraising then kiss my ass... I'd like to see you use your knowledge of the english language to update a blog when you're soaking wet, typing with your good (non-zombie-wounded) arm, surrounded by zombies and on some island in the middle of nowhere!!!

Monday, 12 January 2009

Me-sa people gonna die?

Unfortunatley due to the strange magnetic flow of the Island I'm on, I'm going to have trouble updating the page, plus my arm's all itchy from where Pope bit me, so it hurts to type.

I'll be back soon, unless I'm a mindless zombie... more so than usual.

Friday, 9 January 2009

Cancer Free Babies!!!!

So they've finally done it!
Scientists have created a human being who hasn't got the cancer gene... and now people are talking about designing their own babies... man, didn't anyone watch gattica? Is that the kind of world you want to live in, where wheelchair bound guys burn themselves in furnaces!?

When will Science learn? Stop messing about with stuff!! If you get rid of cancer will force whoever's in charge of the cosmic battlefield that we exsist in, be it God, nature or McDonalds, to come up with something worse!! Didn't anyone see I am Legend? Is that the kind of world you want to live in, where people ask manequins out on dates?
When will people "in charge" stop poking their communical penis's in our DNA and start watching movies!?!?

Zombie Survival : Day Four

Well day four (like a pair of trousers from the 60's) had some interesting turn ups.

I last left you when I was climbing back into the jeep, Braymachine had been mauled to death by zombies and Pope is slowly dying, we were headed to the Hospital to find help for Pope and to nobodys knowledge but my own, we were also going to try and find the cure from the secret lab my scientists were working from and as far as I was aware they were still there.

The hospital was some way away, we drove through the night and into the early hours until we came upon the hospital, however, it was crawling with zombies... Polly parked the jeep up behind a large hedge row and the zombies hadn't noticed us yet, and he came up with an idea. One of us would distract the zombies with the jeep, whilst the others snuck into the hospital and sorted out Pope with some much needed medicine... she'd started to complain that she was famished and had a crazy look in her eye, so I needed to get the Zombie Cure (tm) before she turned full blown zombie. We decided the Royston would drive the jeep as I can't drive, Pope was obviously not fit to drive, Polly needed to apply any first aid we found to Pope and Milli is scottish.

So the four of us hid behind a (convinient) log, whilst Royston prepped for the distraction. He beeped the horn, and the zombies came running, then he reversed the car, did a 180 turn and began to drive down the road, it was working the zombies all followed him like... well zombies. However Royston's victory was short lived when the Jeep stalled due to lack of petrol, with a (swarm? Herd? Flock?) of zombies chasing him, he legged it. I felt bad for Royston, he'd tried to help us out on several occasions and always ended up in the most danger, but I had to focus on the pressing issue at hand, stopping pope getting bitey.

The Hospital was deserted, blood smeered the walls and partially eaten corpses littered the halls. I hoped that this hospital was in this state due to the zombie virus (tm) and not because of underfunding from the Island's government... whoever they were... That made me wonder what had happened to the local government?... I remembered that there was a city next to Nefarius's active volcano. (I was in a bidding war to get this Island, the other guy was a mad scientist bent on world domination) So I thought after this, maybe we could go investigate...

Polly thought it'd be best if we split up... the retard! He took Milli, who was so jumpy that when I let out a sly fart, she nearly stabbed me with her bamboo fashioned pointy stick! (Damn that gym instructor for not teaching us how to defend agaist someone coming at us with a pointy stick!) And I took the steadily worsening Pope... which suited me fine as I could get her cured in a jiffy... by jiffy I mean time not a cure her in a jiffy bag.

So polly and Milli went off and I took Hayley down the back passage... sorry... secret passage, using a keycard I'd been hiding. I ran straight to the computer and input the password I'd memorised and found the location of the zombie cure... however it was in the OTHER secret laboartory... housed under the active volcano... great. I turned round to Pope to apologise, when she bit into my arm. I let out a girly high pitched scream and beat her off with a Lever Arch Folder... I didn't want to kill her so I locked her in a locker. So now I'm reviewing the notes from the scientists to find out how long I've got left... who's stupid idea was this anyw... oh yeah...

Thursday, 8 January 2009

The IT menace

The gremlins struck the other day and all systems went down at the dystopian work-house that I work at during daylight, and as a result we had to get "the IT guys out"

Now you have to nice to your IT guys, or they can point out to your superiors/overlords/monkey handlers, that you aren't doing what you're supposed to be doing, so I always am as nice as (cherry?) pie to them.

However, my boss said something that got me thinking, she said in passing "why do IT guys always want tea?". She was complaining as we only have a coffee machine at our work so have to do with that, there is tea bags but its a hefty process involving boiling water which could leave you scarred for life!

So I wondered, why DO they need tea... and then it struck me...

They are not people... but... robots in disguise (not the transforming kind) that drink tea to keep themselves operating to maximum capacity.

I prefer him as a robot (at least he's got a pen!)

Who better to fix a computer than a computer? Maybe they didn't all start off as machines, maybe they're being replaced one by one, but whatever is happening its happening fast and maybe when they've all been replaced, they'll start replacing us aswell? And then we'll live in some weird Matrix kinda world, but hopefully one that makes more sense... so what can we do to combat this menace? Make them Coffee instead, overloading their caffiene circuits and stopping them dead.

To prove my theory I'm going to break a PC and call the IT guys in... then capture one for study.

Coming soon... Worst Case Scenarios

Read my blog or the dog will force me to kill you!

The worst thing that can happen to you has already happened as you're reading my blog!

But there are worse things out there than vampries/werewolves/christianity/dragons

I will be bringing you a worst case scenario and how you can get out of it relativley unscathed.. first I've got to get off this bloody island!
(Oh and if you want to quit smoking become a nun, you'll soon get another habbit )

Zombie Survival : Day Three cont

It's getting harder to update you all on our progress, as the group are starting to get suspicious of my long "toilet brakes" but I think I've managed to fool them with my "I'm having a danger wank" line.

Yesterday after my update, we left the hotel and the small Port Venture and headed inland, after constructing various weapons from bamboo items from Hotel Lollypop and headed north till we came to a small garage which had an open top jeep, the keys were no where to be seen... until the zombie mechanic stumbled across us.

Milli did her usual scream as loud as she can, Pope vomitted some blood onto Polly's shoes who was more concerned with his Converse trainers than the rotting corpse. The Mechanic ran at us full pelt, I threw my bamboo spear at him, missing completly, Royston was up next and hit the zombie with his bamboo spade, however it splintered and the Mechanic kept coming. He leapt on Royston pinning him to the ground, Royston pleading for help all the while keeping the nashers of the Mechanic off of him.

That's when Braymachine stepped in, he stated "I need no weapons" and grabbed the Mechanic by the scruff of the neck and threw him over the opposite side of the garage. The Mechanic landed on his face and we heard a sickening SNAP as his neck broke in the fall. Braymachine casually walked up to the Mechanic and took the keys out of his top pocket. "There, wasn't that hard was it?"

Suddenly the zombies poured into the garage from all sides Polly jumped into the drivers seat and the rest of us piled into the back... except for Braymachine... who tripped as he ran to the jeep. As the zombies gathered round him, he chucked the keys to us, Polly revved up the engine and accelerated over the zombies, crushing a few, and then quickly reversed as the zombies turned their attention on us... as we sped away from the garage I looked back as the final signs of life dissapeared from Braymachines eyes...

I felt a bit guilty, one of my closest friends was now zombie chowder and another one of my friends is gradually turning into one... but wait. When I had the scientists develope Zombie Virus(tm) I also got them to develope Zombie Cure (tm) which would reverse the process of the former. The laboratory where it was held was underneath the hospital, the very place we were headed.

Polly bombed along the unkempt road from Port Venture all the while humming "golden brown" to himself in a manic state. Royston was the first to talk "well, I know Braymachine's dead...but he's given us a great headstart, I mean if they're eating him... they'll be there some time."
Milli gave Royston a cold look, I broke in before the potential argument "From what I remembered when I booked this holiday, there is a hospital in the next town over."

Polly stopped the car and turned to me "This is all your fault Addy, why the hell did you bring us here?" my heart skipped a beat, did he know more than I gave him credit for, or was he just blaming me for the death of a friend? Milli however turned on Polly and told him "How was Addy supposed to know about the zombies?" Polly then started the car up again and drove in silence till we stopped for a "toilet break"

And that brings us uptodate... today we'll be headed towards the hospital, and hopefully the underground laboratory. All my knowledge from horror movies is telling me that a hospital is a very bad idea to go when dealing with zombies, as where do the infected people go? Hospital to seek a cure of course... and instead end up dying and coming back from the dead. On that note, Pope is looking worse by the minute, if I dont get her the cure soon, well we'll have to deal with her the old fashioned way. Well Polly is honking the horn, I'll update you soon.

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Aftermath #02 The Goonies

Goonies never say... what?

The Goonies, a great family film and it made you want to go on adventures. I used to check the attic for treaure maps on a regular basis, but all I found was dead bodies... lots and lots of dead bodies...

Anyway, the end of the film (spoilers) has the titular children thwarting some baddies with the help of a loveable mutant that they leave to die (but comes back at the end) and taking some pricesless jewels from the dubiously named "One eye willy". They then give the jewels to their parents and they no longer have to sell their homes to make way for a golf course! And they all live happily ever... oh wait...

One Eye Willy stole those jewels from someone, let's say, the spanish. Now the Spanish have been looking for these fabled jewles for some time now, and to stop an international incident the US government takes the jewels off of the Goonie's parents, without re-embursing them. Meaning they still have to sell their homes to the golf course man (whose real name believe it or not is Elgin, I kid ye not, no wonder the guy is so bitter.)

The friends split up and go there seperate ways and grow up.

Sloth died shortly after the events of the film as the Fratelli's (not the band) used to give him a drug hormone to keep him alive... with them in prison, he didn't have the drugs to keep him going and was found dead on the toilet with a "Babe Ruth" bar sticking out of his blood stained mouth.

Data (short-round) now works as a lowly office drone in a robotics company, he goes home to his american wife who is drunk by 4pm and insults his manhood before going out to see her various lovers, he cries himself to sleep wondering if his children are his own.

Chunk soon got over the pain of Sloth's demise by eating more and more. Chunk loved food so much that he got a job at McDonalds, he ate more burgers than he sold and his family had an intervention on his behalf. After he saw what it was doing to his family, he stopped eating and became a weight loss fanatic, however he was run over in his mid 20's when out on a jog.
Mouth ended up getting put into foster care after his constant use of spanish resulted in the death of a housekeeper. Mouth ended up getting hooked on Heroin and spent the remainder of his life using his mouth to get money from businessmen in dark alleyways, however things took a bad turn and he stole a car and accidently killed a jogger. Mouth is currently in prison.
Andy ended up running away from her now home in Arkham as it was "too weird" and moved to Hollywood in search of fame and fortune... however several teen porn movies later she leaped from her penthouse apartment in a drug enfused state. (As can be seen at the start of Lethal Weapon 1)
Steph (the one who looked like a guy) went on to become a succesful fashion designer and New York socialite and raving lesbian.
Brand moved out when his kid brother Mikey became detactched from the world. He finally passed his driving test and became a truck driver, however the Fratelli's (not the band) caught up with him and slit him from ear to ear. His remains were posted to the remaining Goonies as a warning that they were next, shortly after the murder however the Fratelli's (not the band) found a new kind of religion and gave up their ways.
Mikey grew bitter at how he'd been robbed his victory and became detactched from the world. He spent his time in the attic of their new house searching for treasure maps and when he couldn't find them he cried. One day Mikey stopped looking for treasure and stopped crying and simply looked out his bedroom window and started looking on the internet at anti-goverment web pages. It wasn't too long before he wound up part of a terrorist cell and is currently hiding Osama Bin Laden in his attic.

As for Golf Course man and his boy, they lived rich and rewarding lives... thanks Spielburg!(if that is your real name!)


DVD's are a dime a dozen, and my house is full of them. We used to have videos everywhere, then it moved to DVD's, and "Blue Ray" (sounds like a porno name) seems the way forward.

I wonder how much money I'll spend in the coming years to get the same film I had on VHS, but in the "current" format.

So you like me probably have a fair few DVD's, but do you watch them more than once? Probably not. So here's a way to milk some enjoyment from a film!

Watch the film again, but this time pretend that the story or a character is in the main characters head. Just think, you could be watching Blues Brothers, but pretending that Jake Blues is a figment of Elwood's immagination. Makes the whole thing a lot more interesting.
What makes me laugh, not out loud of course, is adverts for the next generation of entertainment. Why advertise HD-TV on a normal tv channel... how could a normal tv pick up the "picture perfect quality" of a HD-TV when it's just a bog standard one itself. How can it pick up all the colours that they've added on HD-TVs?

The adverts make me laugh aswell... do you remember the "This is DVD" advertisement? It basically told you that by watching a DVD your television would explode and you'd be sucked into the film... how many people bought a DVD and a DVD player thinking that was the case? And who the hell would WANT to be in a movie? I mean the first DVD we got was Perfect Storm, and I sure as hell wouldn't like to be stuck on a boat with Mark Wahlberg! I'd be praying to be killed by that storm!

Zombie Survival : Day 3

I woke up this morning after having a disturbing dream involving Cap'n Skipper... I won't go into details, but suffice to say I was already scared when I woke up. So seeing the supposedly deceased Royston standing over me made me let out a sound not unlike the sound you hear when cats have sex.

Royston explained to me that the building next door was a bed shop, and he'd managed to land on a rather springy bed. What we hadn't seen due to running towards the chemists and leaving royston for dead was that when the zombies flocked into the bed shop, Royston was able to use his acrobatic abilities to use the bed as a trampoline and vaulted out of the hole in the roof and out of reach of the zombies. He then proceeded rooftop to rooftop till he got to the Chemists, then tried to get in the front door, but we'd already barricaded it. He had to climb back to the roof and break through the bamboo ceiling, using the only thing he had handy... his rubiks cube.

Milli expressed her worries for Pope, and we decided to get back to Hotel Lollypop as soon as possible. Luckily, it was the crack of dawn (sorry Dawn) and all the zombies were no where to be seen, maybe they were sleeping... I wonder what zombies do do in their spare time, when they're not eating people... I need to explore this more I think...

Luck was on our side, as Hotel Lollypop was also free of zombies, we stepped over the ex's corpse and went back to room 333... I was worried as to what we would find on the other side of this door. However, upon opening the door we saw that everything was alright. Pope was sitting at the end of the bed, with Polly seeing to her (not like that!) and The Braymachine was staring out the window.

We gave Polly all the medicine we had rounded up, and he began to apply it to Pope's arm, where the bite wound wouldn't stop bleeding. "What's up with the Braymachine?" I asked Polly. Polly then explained that the Braymachine's chosen football team (Sky Lose as they're known) were playing today and due to Braymachine's useless PDA, he couldn't watch it...
Pope was looking rough, her skin was slightly translucent and her eyes were puffed up, usually Pope scrubs up quite well and as I said in the prelude, she's a glamourous lady... but not when infected with Zombie Virus (tm) "I think she needs to see a doctor" Polly told us, but to be fair we were all thinking the same thing... well Braymachine was thinking about the football, Pope was probably too ill/dying to think of anything but her bite and Polly probably was thinking we should get Pope to a hospital... I was thinking of killing her, but I usually get those thoughts about people after spending over a day with them.
I decided we should probably try and find any survivors, and some more medical supplies as the chemists only turned up some paracetamol, condoms, some plasters and some lollypops that Milli was handing out to everyone. So using my knowledge of the island, but trying not to let on that I knew where the hospital on the island was, I suggested heading inland...
to be continued...

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Zombie Survival : Day 2 cont...


Well what a perfect end to a perfect evening, myself and milli are hauled up in the chemist, Royston is probably dead or worse...

After leaving the relative saftey of the Bamboo Barricaded room 333, we made our way down the stairs and into the lobby. This is when Royston and Milli learnt what we were up against, as my ex-girlfriend was coming towards us, and she was hungry, but luckily she was also slow as she was missing both legs. Royston did the only thing he thought would help, and ran back up the stairs shouting "screw you guys". So it was up to me and Milli to fell the fiend.

"What should we do?" I asked her, knowing full well that destroying the brain would be the only way to kill it. Milli mused for a moment as the thing pulled itself closer, then began to scream. It's up to me then... So I skillfully jumped over the zombie torso, slipping as I landed on the blood soaked bamboo floor but managed to steady myself with a mop that propped up against the wall. Grabbing the mop I proceed to bludgeon the ex's head in till it popped, blood splattering all over Milli as she screamed.

I managed to coax Royston downstairs and Milli told us that the Chemists was about three buildings down. Only problem was, Milli's screaming had worked the zombies into a frenzy, and the bamboo lobby door didn't seem to be able to hold them much longer. Royston, had an idea though, he theorised that we could jump out the 2nd floor windows and land on the roof of the neighbouring building, then jump roof to roof till we got to the chemists. Wow, I thought, what a brilliant yet foolhardy plan, let's do it!

We took the keys to a 2nd floor room, and got to the balcony windows, sure enough the neighbouring shop's roof was a stones throw away. Milli asked the only sensible question "Who's first?" But without a second thought Royston pushed us out the way and said just before he leapt "Last one there's a rotten egg!"

It was a fantastic moment seeing him soar through the air, land on the roof of the building next door, and the fall through the bamboo roof into the building. "I'm... I'm okay!" He shouted up at us. We weren't the only people to notice Royston's leap, all the zombie's proceeded to turn away from Hotel Lollypop, and instead poured into the building Royston had jumped into, giving us the needed distraction to run to the chemists for the ailing (and probably undead) Pope.

Milli and I shot out of the Bamboo lobby and ran down the high street, turning round a corner and a couple of doors later we were at the chemists, I closed the door behind me and pulled a stack of shelves up against the door to barricade it. Milli turned to me and said "What drugs should we get?"
I was flabberghasted... I had no idea what "medicine" Polly had wanted us to bring back. The only thing I remember from first aid training was to call an ambulance after you put them in the recovery position. I told her to grab as much as she could, then there was a noise at the door, banging harder and harder. The zombies had found us, so Milli and I ran to the back room and locked ourselves in. That's where we are now at the end of Day 2, hopefully Royston found some saftey before being devoured, and hopefully Pope hasn't died, comeback and eaten everyone else...

On reflection this isn't a true zombie survival situation as I'm well aware of certain elements, like important locations on this island, the lab it all started in for instance. Am I the villain of this piece? Well... I have killed an entire island of innocents, probably indirectly two good friends and edangered the rest of them to a fate worse than death. All in the name of curiosity.

Aftermath #01 - Home Alone

In the Aftermath section, I'll be theorising what happens after the credits have rolled in the movies.

How the movie ended:
Kevin McCallister has been re-united with his family and foiled two burgulars from stealing everything from his house!!!

But there's no way they would have lived happily ever after...

The Aftermath!

Things were about to get a whole lot worse!
Kevin stole from a local shop when he was scared by the "shovel man". Now I'm going to let this one slide as the kindly shovel man, probably paid for Kevin's stuff as he's a nice enough sort.

Well, Kevin did stop them, however the means as to which he did this are suspect. Harry and Marv would have told their lawyer what the kid did, and sued for damages. No where in the real world would you get away with attacking burgulars with such flavour as he did. It would be revealed that Kevin was abandoned by his parents and this tramua led to all the problems that he had to face. So a social worker would take Kevin AND all the other children off of their parents hands, whilst they face criminal prosecution. This breaks up the McCallister's marriage, she marries the next year to a travelling salesman that beats her every night, and she has an operation to remove her ovaries due to the fear of having another child that she may abandon. The father turns into a recluse and hangs himself 10 years later on christmas eve.

As for the kindly "shovel-man" he would first be arrested for assault on the burgulars and dies alone in prison... all the children apart from kevin end up in stable homes but what happens to Kevin?

Well Kevin is asigned to a psychiatrist who breaks Kevin down to a quivering wreck, Kevin goes from foster home to foster home, being abused and self harming. However after a name change from Kevin to John, he becomes a succesful designer and grows up with an interseting view on life. He's very intelligent but when his partner's unborn child is killed by a drug addict, it sends him over the edge. He uses his childhood memories to set up traps for other people... he eventually becomes known as Jigsaw... and so starts the Saw franchise. I think I've just spoilt saw 6 for you all!!

"Do you give up, or are you thirsty for more?"

Thank you for NOT smoking

I was speaking to the lovely Chantelle, the secretary at my work, the other day. She was telling me that she's always put off from having a cigarette outside when it's freezing, I asked if Cancer wasn't a big enough put off for her, to which she told me about the latest Smoking Deterrent.

Apparantly she was going to purchase some cigarettes from her local tobacanists, however when she saw the packet she made the (tobacanist?) change it for another one. As the picture on the carton had manky "smokers teeth" on it.

I reckon he'd still buy em, no matter what was on the box.

So they're trying to put off people from smoking by showing them what it can lead to. Which made me think, what if other associations pick up on this. What if the war on fat decides to do a smiliar deterrent by putting pictures of 50tonne men on bigmac boxes, or a pic of some bedridden housesized guy on packets of pringles? You could buy a mobile phone that had pictures of Pikeys beating you up on the boxart. Wotsits could have pictures of someone sitting in their underwear watching Jeremy Kyle. All paperwork for creditcards could have a picture of someone selling their house after buying one hdtv too many. Pampers could have pictures of you covered in baby crap at 3 am whilst your wife sleeps obliviously upstairs.

The options are endless.

Zombie Suvival : Day Two -

I woke up this morning at about 3 am to see Cap'n Skipper in my bunk.

"Thar be a foul air to this journey, ya cud turn ye back if ye wanted and save yarselves the grizzly fate that awaits ye." he told me, and then walked out. Suffice to say I didn't get much sleep for fear of another bunk-invasion by the crazed seaman.

I got on deck at about 6am to find Royston playing with a Rubiks cube that he got from Port before we left. He, like me, had had no real sleep, but his reason was in his hands, mine was partly the Cap'n's fault and partly due to excitement and dread. Am I doing the most sensible thing taking my friends to their inveitable deaths, I thought as I unwrapped a strawberry cornetto, then I spent the next few minutes wondering where I'd got the cornetto from.

At 8am we saw Nefarious, the Island I'd infected with the Zombie Virus (tm), it looked quite nice in the morning light. Pope remarked "It looks so purty, I hope there is a bar there"

The first sign that something was wrong was when we tied up the boat at Port Venture. The little town seemed deserted. Cap'n Skipper told us he'd pick us up in a week and cast off, I think I heard him laughing as he went.

First thing Braymachine did was got out his PDA and tried to bring up a map of Nefarious on google, but he couldn't connect to the internet... I've never seen someone so lost as him when he couldn't google. Polly was happy though, he was glad we had no contact with the outside world as we could enjoy the holiday without interuption... little did he realise what we were about to face.

Milli and Pope decided to go and try and find a bar for Pope whilst the men went to check in at the Hotel. After a short treck through the deserted streets we arrived at "Hotel Lollypop", a large building which was where we were supposed to be staying on our first night on the island. Polly strode up to the front desk and pressed the bell on the desk, which to his suprise was covered in blood, he then peered over the desk and saw what he later described as "looked like one of Addy's ex-girlfriends" and ran out to be sick.

So we had a dead body on our hands and no sign of life (or un-life). That was until the girls came running towards us at quite a lick. "RUUUUUN!" Milli screamed at the top of her lungs. And to my horror(glee?) behind her were the townsfolk... very zombified, but not the slow kind of zombies, these were the fast 28 day later infected zombies!! Polly ran back in followed by Milli and Pope, Royston managed to snap Braymachine out of his non-google trance long enough for him to help barricade the bamboo door.

Royston jumped over the ex-girlfriend and grabbed keys to a room on the top floor ran halfway up the bamboo staircase and turned to us saying "come with me if you want to live". It was a pretty cool Arnie moment. We followed him up the bamboo stair case, along the bamboo hallway and into room 333, which we barricaded with bamboo furniture.

There were several questions from the group. What was going on? Why were the townsfolk attacking us? Why can't I access Google? Where's the liquer and why'd they bite me? What were we going to do? But none of us had the answers... well I did, but I wasn't going to let on just yet.

Milli and Polly were happy staying in the hotel, but Braymachine said he wanted to get the hell out of here, Pope concured saying she was "dry". Royston looked out the bamboo window and saw the zombies were surrounding the building. "It looks like they're not giving up" he said... followed by Pope's words "I don't feel so good" she then proceeded to vomit blood on the floor and fainted... Polly steadied her and applied his first aid training. She had a bite wound, and only I knew what that would lead to. "She needs to rest, but we need some medicine" Polly exclaimed. Milli had seen a small clinic when her and Pope were trying to find a bar.

Royston volunteered me, Milli and him to go looking for some medicine, hopefully I'll be able to update this as soon as I get back... oh and if you're wondering how I'm updating this but Braymachine can't access the internet... well like how I got the cornetto, it remains a mystery.

Monday, 5 January 2009

Interview with a video game character...

#1 Mario!

Adam: Hello everyone, today I am interviewing Mario Mario, Japanese computer comany Nintendo's italian mascot. Hello to you Mario Mario, may I just call you Mario.

Mario: It's a me... Mario.

Adam: Okaay... but it wasn't always was it? I have your birth certificate here, stating that your name is Jumpman

Mario: It's true, I was born Jumpman, but I felt like I had no identity, so I had it changed legally.

Adam: So what's with you and the princess? I mean, you've been rescuing her for 20 odd years now, have you gotten past 1st base?

Mario: A gentleman never tells.

Adam: A gentleman also always wears gloves when he's making love... is that why you have a pair?

Mario: No, I'm a plumber, that's why I wear gloves

Adam: I've never seen a plumber with gloves as white as yours, and you've been "plumbing" for 20+ years!

Mario: I'm good at what I do, and that's what gets me. Everyone knows me for my gymnastic prowess, being able to stomp a few hundred enemies, beat up a massive lizard every now and again and of course rescuing princesses and flying round the galaxy in various different suits thanks to getting hats of various shapes and sizes... But nobody knows how good I am at plumbing. Let me tell you, I am the best damned plumber that ever lived. I spoke to Nintendo so many times over the years over making a plumbing game, but they didn't think it'd sell.

Adam: I don't know, I reckon a wii plumbing game would work. Jiggle the plunger about with the wii mote, be a bit like Wario Ware.

Mario: Please don't talk about that fat bastardo in my presence.

Adam: Oh sorry, you're not on best terms with your alter-ego?

Mario: I'm not on best terms with a lot of people.

Adam: How about your brother, Luigi?

Mario: We had a bit of a falling out a while ago, I mean he had that whole mansion thing where he had a titular role, and I was relegated to a painting, but he helped me out a few times when I was missing and lost in time. We get on okay.

Adam: Did you see much of the roylaties made from the movie about you?

Mario: Like hell did I BOB HOSKINS? BOB HOSKINS? How the hell do I look like Bob Hoskins anyway? At a push they could have cast John Candy, but I guess he's not quite as athletic as me.

Adam: It was a shit film

Mario: It's like Nintendo saw the Star Wars Holiday special and liked it, then thought... hmm Mario would be good in something as bad as this.

Adam: So, back in the early 90's you had some rivalry with Sonic the Hedgehog, was that more a Sega Vs Nintendo, or did you actually hate him?

Mario: Don't get me started on that drug infused prick

Adam: This comes from the man who uses "mushrooms" to grow

Mario: Hey, they're magic mushrooms. Sonic was a fad, his games suck now, whereas mine reign supreme. He had to muscle in on one of my games to sell some units, and I beat his ass in shotput.

Adam: I'd agree that Sonic's not been as good in 3d, but he had his moments in 2d.

Mario: Look at his sidekicks? He has hundreds, I've never really needed any, most my adventures are me, a couple of goomba's and Bowser. He needed to sell more units so Sega gave him a whole ******* zoo! Plus his main villain, Dr. Robotdick kinda looked like me, he had a mustache and everything!
Adam: Yeah but, he wasn't italian or anything.
Mario: I kicked his ass in Super Smash Bros on the Wii, and I'll do it again, name a place and a time, and I'll ***** the ***** with a ******** and **** ***** ****** ****** cumcumber up his ******** furthermore he can bite my italian ass!

Adam: Okay Mario calm down dude

Mario: If you see that Sonic, tell him I'm a looking for him!
{Mario then left down a pipe, what a prick}

Zombie Survival - Day One

Day One

It's been about a week since my scientists unleashed the Zombie Virus(tm) on the unsuspecting Island of Nefarius. So there should be a moderate population of zombies, unless they've all eaten themselves or the locals managed to fend them off.
The Braymachine used his business skills to hire a boat to take us to the island, as most of the locals at the port will not take us to Nefarius as it's "cursed"... always a good sign that. Pope has already pulled a couple of sailors, but Milli managed to drag her out of the Sailor heavy bar before she was covered in Sea-men.
The boat captain was a grizzled man who called himself Cap'n Skipper. If you can imagine Captain Haddock from TinTin... well he looked nothing like him, but he did have a beard, which in my mind made him reliable.
After casting off, Polly turned to me and stated "I've got a bad feeling about this" before resigning to reading some war poetry.

The journey to the island will take us the rest of the day, first thing in the morning we should arrive at Port Venture, a little like Porta Ventura I'd imagine, but with more zombies.

Friday, 2 January 2009

New and Improved

You may or may not have noticed(or care) but I've changed the layout of the page.

Got some good ideas for some (coherant?) things on here, keep checking for updates or I'll steal your socks.

Zombie Survival - Prelude


After investing wisely with the large sponsorship Wikipedia and google are paying me to mention them in every conversation I have nowerdays, I have now got my own Island in the med... and thanks to my advanced knowledge of chemistry, I have been able to infect the residence of the island with a zombie virus I call... um... zombie virus. {original}

Now I am travelling on a boat to the island, with my friends to see if I (and who of my friends) can survive the impending zombie apocalypse... my friends are unware of whats on the island and think we're going for a quick get-away.

Over the next few days... if I survive, I will be updating you with news of our survival. Here are the brave souls (fools) who are accompanying me.

Royston - He's mid 20's and is as sarcastic as he is streetwise. Growing up in a rough part of the town I call Rugby, has hardened his outer-shell but will it be enough to stop zombie teeth chewing on his sensitive insides?

Pope - Not religious as all, she's like a bike... by that I mean she's reliable... not that she's... well... She's in her early 20's and as glamarous as can be. She's says it like she see's it and has a softer underbelly like an armadillo... not like an armadillo's underbelly, but her underbelly is softer than her... oh come on, you must understand that, do I have to explain everything?!?!? {sigh}

Polly - Not a woman, but a man. Polly has brought his collection of war poetry with him, he's a hippy of the 00's. Wouldn't hurt a fly, and is more anti-capatalist then Castro's right nut. He's mid 20's but is knicknamed Grandad for his old ways.

Braymachine - Larger than life... quite literally, this jolly (large) guy is an IT whizz kid. He's the Jabba the hutt of the IT world. He's happyily married and just celebrated his 26th birthday, so what better time to be attacked mercilessly by the undead?

Milli - Another 20 something, who's come along for the ride. I told her we were going on a fact finding mission to Alderan, she falls for it everytime. Milli is a petite scottish lady who lives in Ireland. She has great empathy for people/animals/plants and runs mainly on candyfloss and ribena.

So, over the next few days we shall see... who survives... hopefully I will or you wont know the end!! Stay tuned true believers!

The Battle of The Bulge!

Britain's is like America's little cousin, Britain tries to emulate America to "look cool", but the rest of the world just looks at Britain and thinks "twat"

The War on Terror happened, and we jumped on the bandwagon to go kill whoever it was who was doing whatever it was to America. Now, I'm not agreeing with the terrorists, believe you me, at the end of the day September the 11th is one of the worst non-fictional things I've ever seen and my heart goes out to anyone who was effected by it.

Well by anyone I don't mean those people who try to jump on the band wagon to get sympathy to justify their exsistence, but people who were genuinely upset/outraged/lost somebody and the same with the London bombings.

(At this point my friend Flink would like to add that her 21st birthday was ruined by September the 11th, not by a plane crashing into her house tho, but you get the gyst...)

So we invaded whatever country homed the "masterminds" behind these attacks, and also happened to have some oil in, we got rid of Saddam in the process and are still in Afghanistan fighting the (good?) fight.

The thing is, the war on terror is something you'll never win. If you start a government with a certain set of ideals, you'll have someone else who disagree's with them and will do anything to enforce their belief and other people just want to see the world burn, to quote Alfred the butler.

Well now we have a new terrorist... it's called obesity, and it's attacking us when we EAT!!!

The war on obesity is the next thing America is fighting and obviously as we're America's dough eye cousin, we're on the magical mystery tour's band wagon.

So, the government has decreed we as a nation are fat and are blaming things like computer games. I'll have you know that I've played computer games since I was small and I'm not fat, infact I rarely do any excercise apart from walking. It's just that I have a high/low metabolism, I'm sure that me playing computer games doesn't help my heatlh but I live for the moment... very lasily I may add, I'll deal with the problem when I have to.

When I first heard of the war on obesity, I thought "how the hell are they going to fight this war?" Invade McDonalds? Bomb Burger King? Raise KFC to it's kentucky fried core? Nuke Pizza Hut? No... this is a PR mans war, and the british government decided to strike the first blow using... claymation....

Cus watching Morph is going to get you to put down a burger... EPIC FAIL!!

When will Britain realise that just because America's got a shiny bike and he's bigger than the other kids, it doesn't stop America from being a complete wanker. Why don't we stop spending thousands of pounds on advertising something the government doesn't really have any control over and use that money to help people out during the recession.

The only cereal the government should be worried about is "Credit Crunch"

Love Hearts!?

Happy new year to you! I hope you enjoyed yourself as much as I did.

I threw an 80's themed New Years Eve party with my long suffering lady friend Louise, including a 5 second space hopper race, a kitchen full of zombies dancing to Thriller and Melody Pops and love hearts.

Which brings me onto a topic.

Love Hearts.

They've been round for ages and I always remembered them as having text on them that had something to do with romance. I mean, you could guarantee in a pack you'd get at least 1 "kiss me" and usually the girl you'd give it to would oblige (espeically if you'd laced the sweet with something)

However, we'd bought several packets of Love Hearts and put them into a bowl, rather than leaving them in their wrappers as people don't tend to open them if they're in their wrapper as they'd feel obligated to eat the whole pack.

In the bowl, I did not see 1 "kiss me" or "I love you" which is what I thought was the point of them, however there was an abundance of "Just say no" and "I surrender"

Just say no? What the duece? If you're giving love hearts out to a PGF (possible girl friend) you don't want to give them the option of turning you down... wait... now I sound like a rapist. What I'm saying is that some people believe in fate, and if your PGF is one of them she may interpret the love heart as a sign she shouldn't be with you, scuppering your chances!

Also, Melody Pops no longer contain a musical tune to play in their wrappers! These sweet companies need to be dealt with, swiftly.

Well that's all from me for the moment, but like Arnie in most 80's films... "I'll be back"