Thursday, 18 February 2010

Movies of Games

Uwe Boll, the man is a pestilant piece of shit on the world of cinema.

This man singlehandedly destroyed any hope of a decent Alone in the Dark movie or a good Bloodrayne film. He sucked the life out of those franchises and delivered very poor movies, Alone being one of the worst movies I've seen, and I've seen a lot of bad films.

Movies of computer games are generally shit, as are computer games of movies, and some games and movies of the same franchise are both shit.

Not all are bad, for instance Silent Hill was a great adaptation in my opinion, and although I didn't like the stories, the Resident Evil films are pretty good.

Now an old franchise will be out soon on film for the first time, and that's Prince Of Persia. Now it's helmed by the same guy who did the Pirates movies, so that gives this some credibility... however the badguy is played by Ben Kingsley... shudder...

It's not that I don't rate Ben Kingsley... it's just... he's done a lot of bad movies. His portrayal of The Hood in Thunderbirds will always ruin anything I see him in. So his villanous status needs a proper overhaul in this movie or I just wont buy his performance.

I'm not sold by the trailer for the film, and I just hope that it does a decent job and not do a Super Mario Bros. < Worst. Game. Film. Ever!

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Jeremy Kyle

For anyone who has ever skived a day off of work, or who has been ill or unemployed, there's a 93.6% chance that you've caught a glimpse of The Jeremy Kyle show. For those who've luckily missed this show, let me explain.

The Jeremy Kyle show is a talk show, where people can and do air their dirty laundry. The type of people that go on this show are one strand of DNA away from being an Amoeba, and would not look out of place being the monster of the week in an episode of Doctor Who. Infact I think some of the guests on this show went on to star in The Hills have Eyes.

A typical show has one of these mutants wheeled on stage, where they will complain that their partner has cheated on them with their sister/father/dog, or that they're not sure if they're the father/mother of their partner's son/daughter/dog for example. Next the mutant's better half comes out to a torrent of boos/cheers/claps from the audience and will tell their side of the story.

At any point Jeremy Kyle can and will shout at them about anything and everything. Other talk show hosts try and help their guests, but Kyle goes crazy and attacks anything that moves, like a foaming dog in Mothercare.

Watching Jeremy Kyle is not unlike going to a zoo... if the zoo contained only brain dead gorillas and a smug c**t of a zoo keeper who believes he is king of the apes!

The great unwashed love this bastard, and he knows it... and the thing that worries me the most is now he's got to the top of his field in talkshows... what if he sets his sights on 10 downing street!!

With his legions of supporters he'd get voted in no problem, and spend his time shouting at the UN or anyone and everyone else... we'd be nuked 3 minutes after he'd take the office, by everyone who owns a nuke... and even countries that don't.

Food for thought.

Monday, 1 February 2010

Half Arsed Review - The Un-Invited

I watched the Un-Invited last night, which after 5 minutes seemed really familiar, and after a quick look on IMDB my suspicions were confirmed that it was an American "re-imagining" of the Korean mind-fuck "A Tale of Two Sisters".

The Korean movie, was great. Had some pretty disturbing imagery in it and had an awesome twist I didn't see coming, and was a total mind-fuck to boot, as I mentioned above.

The Un-Invited has elements that are the same as the Korean movie but it's not identical like "Funny Games" or "The Ring". So I did enjoy it as a film in it's own right but certain things did seem predictable... and that was before I realised I'd seen something similar before.

This film, however, does get the coveted 10 point prize, of having the BEST opening line in any movie I have ever seen so far up to the point of me writing this sentence...

The main girl (who is played by the older girl from A Series of Unfortunate Events) is kissing some Emo kid on a beach, and they're getting a little hot and heavy. He looks at her and then uses the best line I have ever heard.

"I love you... I've got a condom"

Wow, this guy was doomed to die a virgin!

Anyway, check it out if you've not seen the original or if you have and want an american comparrison. It's got some decent acting in it and some jumpy moments. There are moments where you'll shout at the television due to stupidity of the central characters, but no more than any other mid-tier horror.

For a hardenend horror fan like me, it didn't bring anything new to the table, but differs from the original movie to become a film in it's own right.

If I had to give it a score then I would, but as this isn't Nazi Germany I wont.