Tonight is the night where I traditionally spend the night at home cramming in as many horror films as I can, whilst simultaneously hiding from local thugs blackmailing me for goodies.
But tonight, I am doing something different, I am setting off on my quest to find out who or what is stealing time...
I'm sure you, like me, have noticed how quick the year is going, it only seemed like yesterday that I was having a bbq in my backgarden celebrating my birthday.
But where to start? Well, my dear old friend Professor Katz can set me off in the right direction I'm sure, but recently he was committed to an asylum, something about being constantly pestered by a maniac. So I'm breaking him out tonight, and helping me will be Professor Humperdink and I brought everybodies favourite decoy, my other cat Simba.
Wish me luck.
Friday 31 October 2008
Monday 27 October 2008
Jeff Tracy
I was round my parents house last night, enjoying a dinner prepared by the monkey chefs that reside in their basement 30 feet under the house, when my father Jedi Mind tricked my mother into handing him the remote.
After a few button presses he settled his eyes on the end of a Thunderbirds episode. Now I've already written my confusion as to why John Tracy is abandoned in space, with only his monitoring station to provide him with light entertainment to ward off the space madness that consumes us all when we're orbiting a planet.
But I think I've uncovered something a tad sinister, which the world governments I'm sure are unaware of.
In this episode of Thunderbirds, Thunderbird 1 was chasing a car with some criminals in it, a bit of an overkill you'd think, what with a large rocket ship chasing down two guys in a sports car?
But then something happened that shocked me to my core... Thunderbird one... began to shoot bullets at the car...
Since when did the Thunderbirds need a machine gun to help them rescue people? What possible use would the machine gun have for rescuing a cat from a tree?
Then I wondered, if Thunderbird 1 had these armaments... what about the other Thunderbird vessles?
The whole world trusts International Rescue, and that's exactly what Jeff Tracy wanted. When you think about it, Jeff Tracy is a perfect Bond villain. He ticks all the boxes.
He's got an island paradise for a home, with an underground lair, a chinese man servant, a space station, several different vehicles and he has the trust of the world. I bet that when Jeff does make his move, the world will not be able to retaliate for fear they will get killed by the large space laser that Brains attached to Thunderbird 5.
But then it's just a tv show, and maybe I'm thinking too much into it... or maybe you're not thinking enough. Be vigilant people, childrens tv series are peparing us for the future, along with computer games, movies and books... except for the bible, that's just crazy.
After a few button presses he settled his eyes on the end of a Thunderbirds episode. Now I've already written my confusion as to why John Tracy is abandoned in space, with only his monitoring station to provide him with light entertainment to ward off the space madness that consumes us all when we're orbiting a planet.
But I think I've uncovered something a tad sinister, which the world governments I'm sure are unaware of.
In this episode of Thunderbirds, Thunderbird 1 was chasing a car with some criminals in it, a bit of an overkill you'd think, what with a large rocket ship chasing down two guys in a sports car?
But then something happened that shocked me to my core... Thunderbird one... began to shoot bullets at the car...
Since when did the Thunderbirds need a machine gun to help them rescue people? What possible use would the machine gun have for rescuing a cat from a tree?
Then I wondered, if Thunderbird 1 had these armaments... what about the other Thunderbird vessles?
The whole world trusts International Rescue, and that's exactly what Jeff Tracy wanted. When you think about it, Jeff Tracy is a perfect Bond villain. He ticks all the boxes.
He's got an island paradise for a home, with an underground lair, a chinese man servant, a space station, several different vehicles and he has the trust of the world. I bet that when Jeff does make his move, the world will not be able to retaliate for fear they will get killed by the large space laser that Brains attached to Thunderbird 5.
But then it's just a tv show, and maybe I'm thinking too much into it... or maybe you're not thinking enough. Be vigilant people, childrens tv series are peparing us for the future, along with computer games, movies and books... except for the bible, that's just crazy.
Thursday 23 October 2008
Tuesday 21 October 2008
Lollypop Man
No, I'm not referring to the Superhero of the same name, who fights crime by giving villains sugary treats that will contribute to dental disaster!!!
But I'm referring to that time old profession of standing at the side of a road in all kinds of weather, in a high vis jacket, holding a large pole helping kids cross the road.
Now I think it's a nice quaint little idea and it's nice to know that someone is watching the children, not in a creepy Gary Glitter way, but in a nice Michael Jackson kind of way. (Oh wait... forget that)
So, this morning on my daily journey into work, I noticed a Lollypop man, standing at the side of the road... at a pedestrian crossing.
Um, somehow I don't think this guy has the point, I mean, Lollypop men or women are supposed to stop traffic to help kids across, but surely the pedestrian crossing has put him out of work. He even thanked us for stopping for him, I wanted to point out that the light was RED, and that if it had been green we would have more than likely mowed him down.
So how does this guy justify his job? Well I was curious so I called up the school he works for, it turns out that he used to work for them, but when the pedestrian crossing was built he was fired (that was the official reason, but the bodies that turned up under his pattio had SOMETHING to do with it)
Bitter at the school for firing him from his dream job, he tried various things from Terrorism, extortion, writing children books and Glamour Modelling. But in the end he couldn't get that job satisfaction of helping children across the road. So every morning, before he goes to his real job at the Home Office, he goes to the pedestrian crossing in his lollypop outfit that he handstitched himself, and helps the children cross the road.
And I thought I was weird!
But I'm referring to that time old profession of standing at the side of a road in all kinds of weather, in a high vis jacket, holding a large pole helping kids cross the road.
Now I think it's a nice quaint little idea and it's nice to know that someone is watching the children, not in a creepy Gary Glitter way, but in a nice Michael Jackson kind of way. (Oh wait... forget that)
So, this morning on my daily journey into work, I noticed a Lollypop man, standing at the side of the road... at a pedestrian crossing.
Um, somehow I don't think this guy has the point, I mean, Lollypop men or women are supposed to stop traffic to help kids across, but surely the pedestrian crossing has put him out of work. He even thanked us for stopping for him, I wanted to point out that the light was RED, and that if it had been green we would have more than likely mowed him down.
So how does this guy justify his job? Well I was curious so I called up the school he works for, it turns out that he used to work for them, but when the pedestrian crossing was built he was fired (that was the official reason, but the bodies that turned up under his pattio had SOMETHING to do with it)
Bitter at the school for firing him from his dream job, he tried various things from Terrorism, extortion, writing children books and Glamour Modelling. But in the end he couldn't get that job satisfaction of helping children across the road. So every morning, before he goes to his real job at the Home Office, he goes to the pedestrian crossing in his lollypop outfit that he handstitched himself, and helps the children cross the road.
And I thought I was weird!
Tuesday 14 October 2008
Vote for Brown
I'm not as political as my evil brother, what with him being a Nazi Superhero called "Cap'n Colditz", but now and again I think it's time to make a stand and do something about where our country is headed.
And that's why I emplore you to Vote for Brown in the next general election... not Gordon Brown, hell no. I'm talking about Derren Brown - the tricks of the mind guy.
Derren Brown is a modern day supervillain waiting to happen, he can make anyone believe anything he likes with his hypnotic abilities, he'd be able to get all the MP's to vote for whatever he wanted using his sly jedi mind tricks, he'd be able to gain control of the UN using his suggestive abilities and they'd think it was there idea to blow up America and not Derren's.
I think I'll send him a letter and "suggest" he runs for PM :D
And that's why I emplore you to Vote for Brown in the next general election... not Gordon Brown, hell no. I'm talking about Derren Brown - the tricks of the mind guy.
Derren Brown is a modern day supervillain waiting to happen, he can make anyone believe anything he likes with his hypnotic abilities, he'd be able to get all the MP's to vote for whatever he wanted using his sly jedi mind tricks, he'd be able to gain control of the UN using his suggestive abilities and they'd think it was there idea to blow up America and not Derren's.
I think I'll send him a letter and "suggest" he runs for PM :D
Tuesday 7 October 2008
Once burnt...
The other night, after a nice relazing evening (Relazing being a cross between relaxing and being lazy, not to be confused with relayzing which is a sexual position involving two oranges and a panda) my long suffering lady friend requested a hot beverage in the form of some Horlicks.
Being the knight in shining armour (literally that particular night) that I am, I agreed to make it her. Not many people know this, but Horlicks was first invented in 283 BC by Yuri Gambal, a farmer who was going through hard times. His wife had left him and she got the sheep in the divorce, so all that Yuri had were his herd of Horls, 1 legged flightless birds with the head of a cat.
One bad day his favourite Horl (called Vinny but changed to Bob in the bible due to poor translation) was killed in a freak spoon accident. Yuri was so attached to the Horl that he had it cremated, a few days later his friend Zeus came over to stay and brought his cow, who Yuri married later. Zeus to cheer Yuri up decided to make him some hot milk, and wanted to sweeten it up, mistaking the Horl remains for sugar Zeus stirred it in. The resulting drink was delicious, Zeus told Yuri what he had done and that they could be partners in making a great hot beverage. Yuri thought long and hard about it before he killed his friend and took all the profits himself.
Fastforward to present day: I put the milk into a cup and put it in the microwave, thinking nothing of it, as I always put it in for 2 minutes.
BIG MISTAKE
BEEP BEEP! It was done, I opened the microwave and grabbed ahold of the handle of the mug, not knowing that it was a trap (Admiral Akbar would have warned me!)
Instant pain shot up my arm, I let go of the cup, splashing the scolding milk all over the place, I screamed in agony and then looked up. My microwave had gone...
I turned round and grabbed a knife with my un-burnt hand, it took me back to my days in Nam. (Nam-field day care centre) the back door swung open, it had escaped. I was able to see it run down my garden before it turned round, displayed "DIE" on it's LED screen and vanished.
I'll be ready next time, mark my words Microwave!
Being the knight in shining armour (literally that particular night) that I am, I agreed to make it her. Not many people know this, but Horlicks was first invented in 283 BC by Yuri Gambal, a farmer who was going through hard times. His wife had left him and she got the sheep in the divorce, so all that Yuri had were his herd of Horls, 1 legged flightless birds with the head of a cat.
One bad day his favourite Horl (called Vinny but changed to Bob in the bible due to poor translation) was killed in a freak spoon accident. Yuri was so attached to the Horl that he had it cremated, a few days later his friend Zeus came over to stay and brought his cow, who Yuri married later. Zeus to cheer Yuri up decided to make him some hot milk, and wanted to sweeten it up, mistaking the Horl remains for sugar Zeus stirred it in. The resulting drink was delicious, Zeus told Yuri what he had done and that they could be partners in making a great hot beverage. Yuri thought long and hard about it before he killed his friend and took all the profits himself.
Fastforward to present day: I put the milk into a cup and put it in the microwave, thinking nothing of it, as I always put it in for 2 minutes.
BIG MISTAKE
BEEP BEEP! It was done, I opened the microwave and grabbed ahold of the handle of the mug, not knowing that it was a trap (Admiral Akbar would have warned me!)
Instant pain shot up my arm, I let go of the cup, splashing the scolding milk all over the place, I screamed in agony and then looked up. My microwave had gone...
I turned round and grabbed a knife with my un-burnt hand, it took me back to my days in Nam. (Nam-field day care centre) the back door swung open, it had escaped. I was able to see it run down my garden before it turned round, displayed "DIE" on it's LED screen and vanished.
I'll be ready next time, mark my words Microwave!
Training
Trying to catch a rabid spidermonkey, that had killed a small latino family, with a lassoo made from extension cable turned out to be a fruitless endevour and my job of animal welfare officer ended with an honorable dishonorable discharge.
I've spent the time since my last post training my cats, Professor Humperdink and Simba, to do the housework whilst I am away. And let me tell you, they were shit.
They kept running away from the hoover, climbing into the washing machine with the washing and couldn't wash the windows properly.
Have you ever tried to get a cat to wash up? Well after several days I thought they had mastered the art of washing up, with the Professor washing the dishes in water and Simba drying them up.
However, I came back early one day and found Humperdink licking the plates clean and Simba rubbing his body against it to dry it. I had to sit them both down and show them what happened to the dwarves in Snow White after the woodland animals had cleaned the house for the lazy bitch, using there tongues and various apendages. They all contracted Cholera and died a horrible death. Proving my point, you can't trust an animal to do a human's job, they cut corners worse than we do.
I've spent the time since my last post training my cats, Professor Humperdink and Simba, to do the housework whilst I am away. And let me tell you, they were shit.
They kept running away from the hoover, climbing into the washing machine with the washing and couldn't wash the windows properly.
Have you ever tried to get a cat to wash up? Well after several days I thought they had mastered the art of washing up, with the Professor washing the dishes in water and Simba drying them up.
However, I came back early one day and found Humperdink licking the plates clean and Simba rubbing his body against it to dry it. I had to sit them both down and show them what happened to the dwarves in Snow White after the woodland animals had cleaned the house for the lazy bitch, using there tongues and various apendages. They all contracted Cholera and died a horrible death. Proving my point, you can't trust an animal to do a human's job, they cut corners worse than we do.
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