Thursday, 28 October 2010

Monday, the last day of the rest of my life.

Monday, the last day of the rest of my life

One possible theory about what happened!

I’d like to say that when the world ended, I was doing something important. In a way I was. It was about ten in the morning and I was sitting down in my work’s toilet squeezing something sordid out of my behind. This was something else that I had taken for granted, being able to have a number 2 on a nice toilet, with real toilet paper and a sewage system that would take away the unwanted waste as oppose to poisoning you.

These days, if I need a number 2, nine out of ten times I have to go in a hole I’ve dug in the ground, whilst constantly looking out for things that are trying to kill me, sometimes even from the hole! And as for toilet paper, well... I’ll use whatever’s to hand; hence why some of the pages at the back of this journal, are missing.

I had just finished my business, and as I flushed the chain, the world as I knew it, was no more. I still hope to this day that I didn’t inadvertently cause the end of the world, with my expelled waste and subsequent flush. I know there will always be a small part of my brain that will wonder “what if I did?”

As I flushed the chain I heard a strange noise that sounded like a million elephants falling on a million monkeys from a million miles above, and then everything went as dark as that delicious substance that is sadly (or happily depending on your tastes) no longer available to us, called Marmite.

I was alone in the darkness for what seemed like an eternity, before someone decided to turn the sun back on. I waited for a moment, then picked my mobile phone out of my pocket and automatically went to update my status on Facebook (being the social networking site whore that I was); however my phone couldn’t access the Internet. That was because; there was no Internet, not anymore. There would be again, a very crude form of Internet, but I’m getting way ahead of myself, I hadn't encountered that strange individual just yet.

After a few moments (trying twitter) I opened the door to the toilet, and walked out to see that my office was no longer there. All that remained was a large crater, with the work’s toilet in the middle. My initial reaction was "Wow, that was some shit I did" but this wasn't the time for joking to myself. My so called work colleagues had ceased to be, they were all missing, along with the rest of the office. The other buildings around where my office once stood, were piles of rubble and the roads nearby were empty of any signs of life. I felt like I was the only person left in the world ... sometimes, I wish I was.

Slightly happy that I didn’t need to continue my work day, I decided to explore for survivors. Some time had passed, and I couldn’t find anyone, not even any bodies. My happiness for having work off indefinitely was short lived as despair had started to set in. What if I was the only person left? Why would I have been spared this unknown fate that had befallen the rest of the world? What of my family, my friends, my cats and of course my long suffering lady wife Louise, what had become of them? Would my Xbox still work? All questions I needed answering!

I decided I would find out, so began the short walk home to my house in hopes that I would find everyone I cared about round there with similar stories of how weird they day had been so far. As I ran down the road I kept my eyes peeled, but didn’t see a single person or car on my journey. I heard birds singing, and a dog bark as I got onto my street, but that was it. Unlike my office and the buildings around it, all the houses here looked the same as they had on the way into work, with no visible signs of damage, but one thing they did lack, was any human inhabitants that I could see.

I turned onto my drive and saw that my long suffering lady wife Louise’s car wasn’t there, I hoped that she was either at work and safe or seeing to her horse and safe, but mainly that she was safe. Loosing no time, I quickly went into my house, straight into the living room to the television, in hopes that the idiot box would have something to say that would explain the strange occurrence. However, the television didn’t work, which meant my Xbox wouldn’t work. Looking at all my games I realised just how much money and time I’d wasted on my hobby.

There's a lot of other things I now wished I had had as a hobby or learnt to do. In-fact, if I had a time machine, I'd go back and tell the school body to forget about teaching things like Science and Drama, and instead focus on lessons in wilderness survival and how to kill various monsters. As far as I know those subjects weren't on the curriculum when I was at school, but even if they were, chances are I wouldn't have listened anyway.

Actually if I had a time machine, I'd probably go forward and see how truly messed up things will get. Sorry, I seem to be going off on one again, where was I. Oh yeah, I was in my lounge, the telly didn't work and I'd realised I'd wasted time/money on computer games!

That was when I saw something moving out the corner of my eye, I turned just in time as a ginger ball of fur leapt through the air, claws first at where my head had just been. If you'll pardon the pun, it had missed me by a whisker.

I looked at to where it had landed and there was nothing there. Something was trying to kill me in my own house and I had a sneaking suspicion that it was the ginger ninja Simba, one of the two cats we had. It turned out that for once a man was right.

Simba waited for me to turn my back on him, then scrambled out from under the sofa and nicked my shin with his claws, causing me mild discomfort before he scrambled under another chair and out of sight.

“Simba, it’s me you Pratt!” I shouted at him

And that’s when someone turned the dial on the weird-ometer all the way to 11.

Simba’s little head poked out from under the sofa, and he went to meow... but instead, in a high pitched cockney voice he said “’Ello Guvna!”

Monday, 25 October 2010

Cracker FM

Some exciting news for anyone who enjoys my particular comedy stylings.

My good friend Polly has invited me to co-host a local charity radio show for 2 hours every Friday starting from the end of November. I am looking forward to trying out this medium called "Radio" as people always tell me I've got the face for it. What a nice compliment! :)

So if you're a rugby-ite, and have nothing better to do on a Friday from the end of November, tune your bad self in to Polly's music and my mouth. More details when I have them.

Remember to come back on Friday for the first entry proper of JOAPAOD!

Wait a minute... face for the radio... sons of bitches!

Ciao for now!

Friday, 22 October 2010

Journal of a Post-Apocalyptic Office Drone

Journal of a Post-Apocalyptic Office Drone

Unlike everyone else’s story, my story doesn't begin with the beginning; my story begins with the end, which in the
end became my real beginning.

The Mayans predicted the end of the world with their calendar, but nobody believed the Mayans. I mean who’d trust the predictions of a race that didn’t see their own demise? I half think that the guy who was in charge of the calendar died suddenly one day and that’s the reason the calendar ended when it did, in 2012, or maybe I’m wrong, maybe they did see it coming, but as I said, no one believed the Mayans. We were much more trusting of the desk calendars on our computers that seemingly had no end date, than a thousand year old prediction of our demise predicted by a dead civilisation.

The world as we knew it, ended on a Monday. Maybe that's why the collective masses had always hated Mondays as much as they had for so long, maybe it was some kind of sub-conscious knowledge that the world would end on that day or maybe we all simply just hated our working after a nice weekend. One thing I am certain of, is that I hated my job.

That was one of the few benefits of the world ending when it did; I could finally quit my job. I'd wanted to for some time, but always found a reason as to why I couldn't. It was a shame though, as "The End" robbed me of the pleasure of telling Mr. David-Smythe-Smegwell exactly what I thought of him and his office politics, as he'd died like everyone else in my office had... mysteriously.

Other benefits of the world ending were things like: no debt, responsibilities were out the window, you could wear what you wanted and do what you wanted whenever you wanted to!

Unfortunately there were things to counterbalance these benefits, like mutants, psychopaths, hunger, thirst, disease, killer robots, rabid animals, vicious fauna, no TV, no beer, no computers that didn't try to kill you and the constant brushes with death you get living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare. But at least I didn’t have any debt.

Half of me wondered if that was what the world governments brand spanking new plan to get rid of debt was... by ending the world as we knew it. But as all official channels no longer exist, not in any sane capacity anyway, I guess that one will remain unanswered for the time being.

I'd read somewhere, when reading like so many things was taken for granted, that you should keep your mind busy, so that's why I decided to write down what I've written here. (Reading’s still alive, but grammar as you've probably already noticed, died with society and common decency I’m afraid)

If you find this journal, then I'm probably dead. I hope I died painlessly, and that you've not had to kill me because I became mad as trousers and tried to wear your skin as a suit, or steal your shoes, or attacked you because you were French or something!

I also hope that you don't do anything “odd” with my corpse. Please bury me, and if I did attack you, I'm sorry.

If you however are a crazy person, you no doubt have already or are planning to eat me, if that is the case I hope you choke on me and if you use this journal as toilet paper, I hope you find these pages extremely coarse.

There's always the chance that this has been found years after my death and is being used as a historical insight into what these nightmarish years were like. That'd be nice.

I’ll keep writing in this till I eventually die, so if I suddenly trail off, you know what’s happened.

Yours ever faithfully,
Adamicus the 3rd.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

New Theme

In celebration of the fact that I'm actually doing something with my blog, I have changed the design in preparation of tomorrows first delve into a post-apocalyptic fictitious world that my brain has come up with.

I accidentally posted a chapter last night that's not due till next Friday, so if you read it you got a sneak peek, you sneaky peeker!

This time I am writing in advance so there should be little to no delays in updates, unlike the Zombie Survival of last year.

I'll still be updating my blog with other stuff like half arsed reviews and random musings, but mainly focusing on the random writing that is JOAPAOD (for short)

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Adamicus the 3rd presents...

Well, some of you asked for it, others didn't ask for it but are getting it anyway, and still more people won't even realise this exists, (so tell them!)

For some time now, I've been secretly planning another piece of creative writing, but something that includes a lot more people than the Zombie Survival blog of last year.

This new piece will be (hopefully) out every week, for your perusal. If I know you, chances are, you are in it at some point.

On Friday, the first part will be up for your reading pleasure (disgust) so I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

"Journal of a Post-Apocalyptic Office Drone"
Available Friday

Hello Reader! :)

Hello to you all, it's been a while. How are you doing?


That bad?

Sorry to hear that. Can I cheer you up maybe with some creative writing like last years Zombie Survival?


What... you didn't like my Zombie Survival blog?

Well do I care about your opinion?

Of course I care about your opinion, please calm down!

Okay, that's going too far, put the puppy down!

Alright then, I'll go. I just wanted to inform you about a new creative writing project winging it's way to my blog. A post-apocalyptic journal of sorts, with humor and horror, in that order. So, maybe once you've stopped having a hissy fit, I can put the first chapter up on here?

Ok, well, get some rest, and I'll put it up later.

Monday, 4 October 2010

7 ways to improve the sport - Cricket Edition

I don't like sport. It's not because I'm not psychically apt or because I was sexually abused in the showers of my high school PE class or something. It's just because I find it boring.

I'm sure that people who love sports would find sitting in front of a computer playing a game for hours on end boring, but one man's Super Mario is another man's ET: The video game. If you don't get why ET : The video game is awful, congratulations, you're not a nerd. Or not as much of a nerd as I am.

Out of all the sports in the world, there's one I find the worst. That'd be cricket. I just don't get the "thrill" of a potentially endless game that's about as exciting to me as spending an hour in a lift with a certain work colleague of mine.

So with the current murmurs of fixing in Cricket, I thought that they may need to drum up some more support for their sport. So here are 7 ways they could improve the sport to get a bigger or newer audience.

1 - Sexy Cricket: Get rid of all those musty guys, and replace them with super hot women. When they run down the (green?) they go via sprinklers, making them wet all over and the replays would be immense. Loose a stump, loose an item of clothing. Everyone's a winner!

2 - Speed Cricket: 90 minutes and it's over. It works for a lot of other sports and they seem to be popular. Get rid of endless days of endless play and replace it with 45 minutes for each team. Then it'd be over and everyone could get on with whatever it was they were doing before being dragged to the Cricket. Also, poison the team members, if they don't get the antedote before 92 minutes are up, they die. Keeps the pace going.

3 - Full-Contact Cricket: Cricket balls can be lethal, so why not make them even more so. Get rid of the current teams and replace them with dangerous inmates on death row the world over. The batter has an explosive collar attached to his neck, so if it hits the stump, kapow. Instead of trying to hit the ball as far as possible, he has to hit a fieldsman with it. The ball would be spiked and the game would be gory.

4 - Themed Cricket: Forget England and Pakistan, how about Pirate's and Ninjas? Each team picks a theme and dresses up as said team. That'd make it a lot more entertaining for sure. Each team could have entrance music and cheerleaders.

5 - Moon Cricket: Blast all the cricketers up to the moon, there they have space suits on and jet boots to help them get around. Miss that ball and it could end up knocking the international space station out of orbit! Or if they mistime a jump, they'd never be seen again. Till we land on Mars, probably.

6 - Paint Cricket: A combination of Paintball and Cricket. Where the fielders would have paintball guns and just pummel the shit out of the batter with paint. It'd be hard, and it'd be painful, but it'd be different enough to warrant going to see. Oh and the crowd have paintball guns too, why not?

7 - Motor-Cricket: It's cricket, but on motorbikes! Nuff said!

Well there are just seven suggestions I've sent off, hopefully they'll take them into consideration. Till then, I guess I'll just have to put up with ignoring the regular kind.

Friday, 1 October 2010

[REC]athon < It's happening baby!

As Danny DeVito sang to his "twin" in the aptly named "Twins", "tonight is the night bro" or maybe he sang tonight is YOUR night. I don't know. It's been a while since I've watched Twins, the movie I mean, not dirty pornographic twins. Not that I watch dirty pornographic twins. Oh dear.

Anyway, tonight, is the night, for my long awaited [REC]athon. The first film [REC] being one of my favourite horror films since The Grudge, I have high hopes for the sequel, which some genius named [REC]2.

Joining me for this will be my evil brother Kristofus, my thoughts on [REC]2 and the whole [REC]athon will be up sometime in the near future.

Ciao for now

Eurogamer Expo!

This weekend is the Eurogamer Expo. It's a big ass gaming thingy at Earls Court in London.

After years of wanting to go, this year I actually am. So tomorrow, I will be playing games I wont be able to afford till I sell another Kidney.

If anything fun happens, I'll let you know. :)

The Cube

Yesterday I was wearing a wet suit, due to the ammount of channel surfing I was doing, when I stumbled across "The Cube". I thought I was going to be watching the excellent horror film, until Phillip Scofield's near white hair appeared on the screen.

I realised my error and was going to continue catching the waves, still keeping with this surfing theme, when I saw that it was an awful awful gameshow. So I put my board down, and watched in awe at how bad televison has become.

The Cube, for those that have been fortunate enough to not see it, is a gameshow where a contestant has to do various skill games in an attempt to get £250,000, whilst inside the titular cube. The players have 9 lives for the duration of their program, and once they're in their glass case of emotion, they have to complete whatever challenge they're doing or they lose a life, and once their 9 lives are gone, all the money they've won up to this point goes into Scofield's back pocket. They get the chance to simplify the game if it looks to challenging and they have the chance to give it a trial run.

This all sounds interesting, until you see the actual skill games they have to play. One of the games, the contestant had to catch a ball fired at him from the other side of the cube. Sure there's a certain amount of skill involved in that. Another game a woman had to roll a disc through a narrow gap. Also, there's some skill involved in that. Infact It's not the skill of these games that I'm putting into question, there is a certain element of skill involved in these games, and I'm sure I'd fail miserably at most of them. However to me this show seems like a bunch of games you'd find at a village fete. What's next in The Cube, hook the duck? Knock the cans over with the baseball?

The producers of the show, obviously knew that these games aren't that thrilling on their own, so instead decided to employ camera techniques from The Matrix. At one point the camera will  almost do bullet time effects to increase the intensity of the game from nil to "a tow-sand percent" as Louie Walsh would say.

The ammount of pomp and circumstance that's added to this gameshow is cringeworthy!

Check this out and see if you agree with me, or tell me I'm talking shit. Of course you'd have to find me to be able to tell me that, wuhahahaha... ahem.