Saturday, 3 September 2011

Milli's Fairytale!

Milli's Fairytale
Once upon a time in a far away kingdom called Ireland, there lived a little Scottish lady called Milli.

Milli was a kind soul and loved children and sweet things, so much so that she had her husband Michael make her a house out of sweets.

On a sad day in October, her husband was having dinner when he suddenly exploded. This is how most Irish people die.
 

Milli was very sad and decided to stay in her house for the rest of her life. 
The days turned into weeks, the weeks into months and the months into years. Before she knew it, Milli was now over one hundred years old.
 
One day, whilst minding her own business, she heard a scratching at her house. “What ever could that noise be?” she wondered aloud to herself and her little cat Mister Morris (who had been dead for some time now due to neglect)
Opening her front door she found two little children eating at her gingerbread walls.

Instead of being angry, Milli was happy to see two sweet little children who had obviously been abandoned and asked them if they wanted to come inside for supper. The children smiled and agreed, as if the lady’s house was made out of nice food; imagine what she had for dinner!

“What are your names?” Milli asked them. The boy cried “Hansel”. The girl cried “Gretel”.

"Well my children, you look very thin, let’s fatten you up with some nice grub”

And so Milli made them a massive feast, with sugar plum ice cream, treacle bacon and custard egg and IrnBru Candyfloss to top it all off!
The children were full to the brim and sat back with massive grins on their respective faces.
For the first time since her husband exploded, Milli was truly happy.

That’s when Hansel pulled out a gun.


“What are you doing?” Asked Milli
“You’re obviously a witch who will bake us into bread” replied Hansel

“Wait, I’m just a lovely old lady” Milli pleaded.

But it was no good, Hansel shot her through the front of the head and she bled out in seconds.


The moral of the story is this:
Don’t build a house made of sweets, or children will kill you.

Friday, 22 July 2011

The Truth about Matt

18 - The Truth about Matt

It was nice being with Professor Humperdink again as I felt he was my only real friend in this new world I was living in. Every other friend I had was corrupted some way.
Now I was in The Gray Republic, under the "protection" of Emperor Elliot, who was literally a baby in emperor's clothes. My good friend (albeit loopy) Hagley had been disgusted by the fact we had just eaten her sister and had been taken away, where to? I had no idea.

So I found myself in the Emperor's mother's house, which had fallen into disrepair and looked like a house you expected to be haunted.

The inside looked as bad as the outside, there was a large hall with two sets of wooden stairs leading up, one of the set of stairs had collapsed and the other looked like it would go any moment. Cowebs were everywhere and even the dust had dust. JoJo bid us goodnight and went to her chambers upstairs. Luckily, I was situated on the ground floor. For some reason my spidey sense didn't like to be near JoJo.

Matt Warb, a pre-end 28 year old artist who post-end seemed to be pushing two thousand years old, showed me to my room, which had a four poster bed and various portraits of the Gray family.
"I hope this is to your liking Adamicus?" Matt croaked.

"Yeah, it's fine. But look, what the hell happened to you Matt? I mean, you're younger than me and now you're... well, a lot older."

Matt sighed, and leaned on his zimmerframe before telling me his story.

Matt had been celebrating the night before The End, as he had just sold a piece of artwork for a couple of hundred pounds. His comics were starting to pick up in popularity and he had finally met a girl who wasn't crazy, who he had fallen for. Things really couldn't have been better for Matt at this particular moment.
At least he had one last good night before The End. Which is more than can be said for a lot of other people.

The night before The End for me had involved me cleaning up after my wife and...


something is missing.


Where was I? Oh yes, Matt and the morning after the night before.

Well, Matt woke up after The End had happened, so was blissfully unaware of any change happening.
For all of five seconds.

He awoke with a headache but a smile on his face, he'd used the best moves that I'd taught him and pulled the girl he liked. She was in bed with him now. So he turned round and went to say good morning.

However when he turned round, it was no longer the girl, but his mother! I'm actually joking there, it wasn't really, but I still amuse myself with "your mum" jokes when it comes to Matt.
The woman in bed with him was indeed the girl from the night before, but she had inexplicably died when The End happened. Her face was inside out.

Matt rushed out of his room screaming, not minding that he was dangling all over the place as he ran naked from room to room, discovering the other party goers also inside out.
Matt told me he thinks he survived due to all the lead pencils he'd worked with over the years. I told him I thought that was a shit theory, but who knows, maybe he was right?

He went on to tell me that he had gone out looking for other survivors but instead was found by Ray on one of his food hunting missions. Ray and Matt exchanged stories and Matt told Ray about all the dead bodies in his house that could easily be served up to his ever-hungry wife as long as she didn't mind cannibalism. Ray told him that that wasn't a problem.
Matt left Ray and Shav's when he noticed Shav eyeing him up for an entree, and on his journey he bumped into my brother. Matt wouldn't say what happened, no matter how hard I pressed him on it, but just told me that I need to stay away from him at all costs as he'd gone bat shit crazy. I'd find this out for myself in person a little later on.

Shortly after he escaped from my brothers evil clutches he was set upon by rabid badgers. Matt should have died but was saved by Jayme Gray who was out testing his latest contraption (an anti-badger device) They were both overjoyed to see each other and Matt was welcomed to come back with Jayme to their home and he'd been here ever since.

It seemed that something was missing from his story... like where the hell Jayme was? What had aged him prematurely? How had Elliot gotten in charge of this "empire" they've created? But Matt was in no mood for answering questions as a clock struck the hour (which was odd as time isn't working anymore) Matt sighed and went out.

I looked down to Professor Humperdink and told him I had to know what was going on, so we both snuck out of our room and followed Matt. He took his sweet time to get to where he was going, what with moving at speeds a snail would consider to be slow, but in the end he climbed the one good stair case and went into a room where a familiar voice called out "Matt, you took your time!"

It was JoJo in there.

My stomach sank, what the hell was going on!? Was he... you know? I had to find out. So I slowly opened the door, and there they were. I was relieved to find out that it wasn't what I had thought initially thought it was, she was only draining his life force not... well anything else.

JoJo, it seemed, was some kind of Vampire now!

Did you see that coming? I mean, I kinda sign posted it for you with her floating and the way she looked at me like a piece of meat. I actually figured it out when I first saw her at the dinner table and can remember thinking "yup, vampire." If you thought that JoJo was a vampire, then you get ten points. If you get a hundred points you get a prize (I'll tell you where I hid the thingy)

I thought that I'd let them get on with the feeding, so closed the door and turned round to go, but someone was already behind me.

He was skinnier than me, tall and gaunt. His hair was overgrown and grey, and he had a beard that made the dwarves from Lord of The Rings look clean shaven. Behind the beard he had a manic smile and his eyes were wider than a kids on christmas day.

"Adamicus buddy! Elliot told me you were here! Now we can sort this whole mess out!"

and with that, Jayme Gray gave me a large hug and lead me down to his workshop...

Friday, 15 July 2011

Dinner with Shmucks

17 - Dinner with Shmucks

Another thing to add to the list of things that I took for granted before The End, was depth perception. I used to be able to tell how close stuff was by just looking at it, now that I only have one eye however, it's a combination of guess work and luck.
The Emperor sent me away to get changed into something a little less "pantomime" as I had still been wearing the costume from the show I'd been in. I was taken to a "wing" of the Emperor's Palace which used to be a GAP. I got changed into my "Gap Apparel" and Humperdink lead me back to the table.

Emperor Elliot was strapped into his highchair and cooing to no one in particular. Not having had food with an emperor before I wasn't sure on the correct etiquette so just sat in the nearest mismatched chair.

There was silence for a while as my mind raced to think of something to say to a baby, some kind of common ground we'd have. My childhood came rushing back to me as I thought about what I had done when I was his age. I remembered my mother and father and my big brother and I realised how much I missed them all. I hoped they weren't here, in the post-end world I was living in.

Elliot broke the silence "So... you like sports?"

I didn't. There wasn't any kind of sport I enjoyed that wasn't a computer game version of the real sport. But to avoid the silence that would no doubt happen after I said that I didn't like sports, I decided to lie and told Elliot that indeed I did enjoy sports.

"Who do you support?" he asked, sitting up on his high chair a little and for the first time since I met him, I noticed he had a strange look in his eye. A look that seemed to be daring me to put a foot wrong, I shrugged off my interpretation of Elliot's stare as after all he was just a baby. But... he DID order Myke to kill all the "mutants", so this baby was far from innocent.

So who did I support? I tried to think what teams he would want me to support. I didn't want to say one team, only to find out that he hated that team and would have me killed for supporting them, then again I had no evidence that this was any kind of test where if I said the wrong answer I'd die.

I thought about what team his father supported, The Air Cyans. Maybe Elliot was raised to support them? Or maybe he rebelled against his father, as there was no sign to where the elder Gray was.

"Well?" he asked, sitting further forward in his high chair, raising one eyebrow at me in the process.

"The... Air Cyans." I replied in haste.

Elliot didn't look convinced and was about to say something when a sudden chill fell on the room and seemingly out of nowhere his mother JoJo appeared. She looked very pale, and had died her hair jet black. She looked not unlike Morticia Addams and when she moved, she seemed to float.

"Adamicus, I was so pleased when Ellibear told me you that were still alive" she said in a cool calm voice that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end. I looked down at my cat Humperdink and all of his fur was on end, so at least it wasn't just me.

"Mother, please do not refer to me as "Ellibear" in front of... guests." Elliot replied in an angry tone.

His mother looked at him and laughed a sweet shallow laugh, then sat herself down at the table.

Next to arrive was a friendlier face, it was Hagley, who I'd not seen since I got her. She was on the arm of the disfigured Wolverhamptonite Myke and she couldn't take her eyes of him. She was so in love. Myke nodded at me, bowed before the emperor and then sat down with Hagley opposite me.

"Will father be joining us?" Elliot asked his mother. JoJo, was staring at me at this point, like a dog stares at unguarded food on a table. I had the distinct feeling she wanted to kill and or eat me.

"No, your father is in his workshop..."

"And what of the Godfather?" he replied, going a little red in the face.

"I'm here" said a croaky voice in the corner.

Matt Warb, a very talented artist before The End, walked into the room. He had aged significantly as he was about a hundred years older than the last time I'd seen him and now had a zimmerframe for support. Poor ol' bastard. My hopes of doing a "your mum" joke were dashed straight away as I felt too sorry for him in that moment.

"Well then, we're all here" Elliot surmised.

"Not quite all of us! Or are you forgetting me?" a female voice called out. I looked around and there was no one else in the room with us, well, no humans anyway. Looking down I noticed the Gray's cat Pom sauntering towards us.

She was a beautiful looking cat before The End, and looked even more appealing now. I noticed Professor Humperdink lost his cool and went over to sniff her, she swiped at him and he came running back to me.

"I think she likes me" Humperdink whispered.

Elliot asked me of my adventures so far, what had happened, so I filled him in on my plight. He assured me that I was safe now I was in his domain and that they'd send soldiers to try and find my long suffering lady wife Louise.

Things were perfect... until I complemented Elliot on the pork, to which he told me it wasn't pork, it was the remains of Hagley's half-arachnid sister who Myke had murdered in cold blood.

Nothing is ever what it should be after The End. You have a lovely meal and it's always spoilt with finding out that you're eating a loved one or worse.

Hagley, although happy to finally be reunited with her long lost love Myke, lost all her composure and began shouting at the infant. Elliot was not happy, not happy at all and rang a little bell.

Soldiers appeared from nowhere and dragged Hagley off into another room, I looked to Myke who simply stared at his empty plate. I couldn't believe he let them take her away, and so I demanded to know what was to happen to Hagley!

"She'll be sent to the Tower, and if you have a problem with that, you'll go there too. Now, I want to go in my jump-a-roo for a few hours, Mother see that our guest is properly housed." and with that the little emperor was lifted from his high chair by his mother and put in a bouncy play seat thing which played music and made him giggle.

JoJo floated over to me and told me that I'd be staying with her till my quarters were ready, Professor Humperdink gave me a glance that told me that I'd either wake up dead or not at all if I stayed with JoJo, but I had no other choice, she "insisted".

With that debaucle over, I left with JoJo, Professor Humperdink and the ancient Matt Warb, whilst Myke sat there staring into his plate... planning his next move...

Thursday, 14 July 2011

What's App Doc? : Quiz Climber


I'm not a fan of games on facebook since my notifications tend to be full of invites to random games that are the equivalent of licking the pavement and paying someone every now and again to put some sherbet on the spot you're licking to add a bit of something to the "game" you're playing.

I had a go of Frontier Ville and realised that it was trying to suck my soul through my arse like an Egyptian mummy in an old peoples home. (Where's Elvis and a black JFK when you need them!?)
However there's a game on the iphone that you can play with people on your facebook list. It's called Quiz Climber and it's a general knowledge quiz that has you (a squirrel) answering question after question to get as high up the (presumably) never ending tree as possible. To spur you on, it shows you were your friends are in relation to you, playing to the competitive persona inside of us all.

It's a nice looking game that reminds me of the cutesy graphics in a Happy Tree Friend cartoon minus the gory gory bloodshed.

The questions start off pretty simple, but get tricky the further you go up. There's no Phone a friend or ask the audience options on this, you have one life.... unless... unless you spend some money and buy yourself extra lives.
So, that kind of goes against the whole point of it surely? I mean, a smart person with no extra lives could get high, but potentially a dumb person with lots of lives could get even higher? Well, they've got to pay for their work somehow. Fret not however as each time you finish a game of this, your correct answers add to a bar that when completed give you a gift of a free life to use whenever you so wish.
You can pick up Quiz Climber for free (with adds) or for £1.49 without. It's a pretty good quiz game and the added competitive scores of friends will add some extra life to it. If you're on my facebook, expect an invite to this coming your way.

Friday, 8 July 2011

Emperor Gray

16 - Emperor Gray

I'd been knocked out (yet again) by someone I used to consider as a "nice person". Myke, the Wolverhampton partner of my crazed companion Hagley, was no longer a "nice person" as he had killed Hagley's arachnoid sister and the other mutants that I'd been "performing" with in pantomime.

So what happened to him?

He, Hagley, Molly and Irish, had all been together when The End happened. For those who can't remember, didn't read, or can't be arsed to go back and read, when The End happened everything went dark and the four of them had stuck together to try and get out of town as everything had gone bat shit crazy.
On their way out of town they encountered gigantic insects that carried Irish off and stung Molly, making her head swell, her neck elongate and her skin to turn purplish. Also it made her really docile and odd looking. Myke, thinking he could use the years of survivalist skills he'd picked up over the years, decided to go after Irish whilst Hagley looked after Molly in a school they had found shelter in.

Myke didn't find Irish, but instead got caught in a "rain storm" and rain these days is made from fire. He lost half of his face (the good half) and now didn't looked more like Jeff Goldbloom from The Fly, then he did Ryan Reynolds from... any movie with Ryan Reynolds in.

(Jeff Goldbloom is still alive by the way, he's now the president of what was once called America and is now called Jeff Goldbloom Land, I don't know Ryan Reynolds fate but a pretty boy like him is probably somebody's bitch)

Myke became disorientated and wandered into some woods that were full of Badgers. (Badgers being the deadliest predator in the woods) It didn't take long for them to find him and surround him. Myke would have been a dead man had it not been for an intervention by Elliot Gray, the ruler of the Gray empire, and now my host.

I awoke to the feel of sandpaper against my face. I opened my eyes to see my cat Professor Humperdink licking me awake. I'd totally forgotten about the posh cat and was so glad to see a familiar face, even though it was feline. I hugged him tightly till he wiggled free of my grip

"I'm glad to see you too old chap, did you find the other mother?"
He was of course referring the my long suffering lady wife Louise, who was lost to me after The End. I felt ashamed, as the Panto had taken over my life, I'd not even thought about her since the first night of "Robinson Crusoe 2"
I told him I'd still not had any luck and he looked a little glum at that news. He was always very fond of Louise, as was my other cat Simba. Professor Humperdink, I noticed, was wearing a little grey cape and had a little grey cap on his head. The room I was in smelt of strong spices, and was decorated in black and red striped wallpaper that made me feel a bit queasy if I looked at it too long. I asked my cat what happened, where I was and how he got here.

He told me about the Gray soldiers finding them at the school and that Molly, he and Simba had been taken to see Emperor Gray. The Emperor wasn't fond of "mutants" but Molly made him laugh so she was appointed official Jester. Elliot allowed to the cats to stay as long as they joined his growing army of soldiers. Simba had been on the front lines at the battle of Daventry and Professor Humperdink hadn't seen him since.

Humperdink then told me that we were in one of the Emperor's many "houses", which used to be a Nandos, and that Elliot had asked to see me.
"What's he like, Elliot?" I asked. I hadn't seen Elliot since he was a baby so I guessed that since The End he had suddenly grown into a man, as time does all manner of things these days.

"Well, he's... It's best if you see for yourself."

So, I was lead, by my cat, out of the Nando's house I had awoke in, and out onto the streets of Norfamtonne.

Things had changed a lot since I was last here, as all around the high street there were large grey banners with "Long Live Gray" written on them. The streets were full of market stalls and people browsing. It seemed that "society" had survived after all!

We walked for a while through the crowds and after a short time we came upon the Imperial Palace, which was a series of shops all merged into one. The golden arches of McDonalds were still visible under lots of grey paint.

In the "foyer" there was amazing pieces of artwork that I recognised straight away as my friend Matt Warb's handiwork. So this looked as though he had made it through the end too, I was looking forward to meeting him, even if it was just so I could do a joke about his mum for old times sake.

We walked up some stairs and into a large room. There was a huge dining table stretched across the width of the room and several mismatched chairs around it. The table was piled high with various foods and it all looked and smelt amazing. The seats were all empty except for a high chair in the middle, and sitting in that little chair was a baby.  A baby named Elliot, who somehow, was the ruler of all that I had walked past.

Humperdink who just shrugged at me. Cat's shrugging is pretty odd to observe by the way. I stood for some time looking at the little fellow before he decided to speak up.

"You were a friend of my fathers I seem to recall" His voice, by the way, was booming and very deep. He sounded not unlike Brian Blessed.

"I am, Elliot"

"Then you shall dine with me, me and my whole family. Please, help yourself to a change of clothes and come back after you've changed."

For a moment, I forgot that he had ordered the deaths of several "mutants" I had befriended. Anyone who is kind to me after The End, is usually wanting to kill me, enslave me, eat me or wear my skin as a suit, but I didn't fear the Baby Emperor, after all, he was just a baby.

That belief, that he couldn't harm me, or wouldn't, cost me my eye.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

The Absurd Practical Joke

My long suffering lady wife Louise and I were having a conversation the other day about baby photo books. We've got a lovely baby book off of our good friend Pope, but Louise was also wanting to get a photo album.

My brain is like god. It moves in mysterious ways. (and to an aethist, doesn't exist)

Louise had stated that she'd like to have a photo album that our child could look back at when my brain suddenly came out with an idea. I considered the idea for all of five nanoseconds before I dismissed it as ridiculous.

But I did share the thought with her however, and now, as my loyal reader(s), I shall submit the idea to you so that maybe you could use it instead or dismiss it as the lunacy that it is.

I proposed that we get a photo album and take lots of pictures like my long suffering lady wife Louise had suggested, however, at the same time we get pictures of an Asian family with a Caucasian baby and fill up another baby book.

Then one day, we tell them. We're not their real parents, and out comes the baby book with the Asian family. We then get them to pack up some luggage for a fortnight and tell them we're taking them to stay with their real parents for two weeks. Then when we get to the airport we tell them that we're all going to Disney World instead!

Price of a photo-album: £15
Holiday to Disney World: £600
The Look on their face as it dawns on them that you are the worst parent ever: Priceless
For everything else there's social services.

So yeah, really not a good idea at all, and honestly I'd never do something like that to anyone, but it does make me worry that somehow my brain fired that idea off to me. I think I need to get it examined.

Friday, 1 July 2011

Curtain Call

15 - Curtain Call

The feeling you get when an audience appreciates what you've done is the best drug money can't buy. It's a high you can't feel any other way and it's more addictive than a packet of your favourite biscuits.

This "high" had entranced both myself and Hagley for some time. Those "happy" days of theatre life all mingle into one when I try and think about it now, probably as a defence mechanism that my brain uses to block out painful or just plane crazy sights.

So, we'd been working in the theatre day in day out, eating the grey gloop that was provided and getting a standing ovation from a crowd of floating faces and all those thoughts we'd once had about finding loved ones had disappeared. We were "happy". Except that was an act too. When it came down to it, we were prisoners, forced to do the bidding of the floating brains in jars or be vaporised for our insubordination!

Now Panto season comes to a close, and what a bloody finale I have for you.

It was a night like any other and myself and Hagley were oblivious to what was coming our way. You see whilst we were in the bubble of the Theatre, some other developments had happened outside our four walls.

My old pal Molly, the freak with the elongated neck, purplish skin and currently guardian of my two talking cats, had been discovered and "Rescued" by a powerful force that had arisen. They'd told their "saviours" what had happened (as Simba had seen us be captured, but was too much of a pussy-cat to do anything about it) and they reported this back to their leaders.

The new force decided to stage a rescue attempt as both myself and Hagley were known to their leaders from the before The End times.

It was the first time I encountered The Gray Republic, and I should have known from their no-nonsense approach to their mission to "save" us, that things weren't as "friendly" as they appeared. My god I'm using a lot of quotation marks.

Hagley and I were halfway through our performance of our Glee style mash up of "Gold Digger" and "Purple Rain" in the panto Aladdin and The Beanstalk when suddenly the lights went out. There was silence for a few moments and the audience started getting restless.

The silence didn't last long, as the left hand side of the theatre exploded and what I can only describe as grey coloured stormtroopers from Star Wars, came crashing through opening fire on the audience. The directors fought back of course, using the lasers that had vaporised so many cast members and hopeful auditionees in their time. It was a bloody battle, but the Gray's won it.

The Audience were dead when in walked someone I'd not seen in a long time. I noticed The End had not been kind to him as his walked over to me dressed in grey armour that had seen more action than a pretty prostitute. I didn't recognise him at first as the left side of his face was badly burnt, but when he smiled I realised to my horror who it was. He spoke with his Wolverhampton accent "Alrite Hagley, did yow miss me?"

It was Hagley's boyfriend Myke. I looked at her and she fainted, an effect that I have on women, but today it was down to it being the return of her long thought dead partner. I too was happy to see him but my happiness wasn't long lived as Hagley's sister scuttled over to see him with her freakish spider legs.

"Myke, you're alive! Thank god"

In one move he pulled out a pistol and shot her through the head. "Kill all the freaks, orders are orders"

"Who's orders?" I asked in defiance.

"Under the orders of Emperor Gray!" he replied.

I knew who he was talking about, my friends Jayme and JoJo Gray. I wondered what had become of the Grays to make them so Anti-Mutant.

"I'm sure Jayme wouldn't want you to go killing people he knows, he knew Hagley's sister!"

Myke looked at me gone out and then said "I don't work for Jayme or JoJo you fool. I work for The Emperor"

My mind raced, if not Jayme or JoJo, then who? So I asked him.

"If not Jayme or Jojo, then who!?"

"Why Elliot of course... their son. Our illustrious leader!"

The last time I'd see Elliot, he was but a baby, however now he was in charge of this militia who were systematically killing off mutants! One of the soldiers went to shoot Leo, I tried to stop him and got knocked out.

When I awoke, I was a guest of Emperor Elliot and all was not well...

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Deadly Premonition : The Review


Due to the fact that most of the people who read this blog wouldn't know what a Goomba is, I don't tend to write reviews on computer games, however today is an exception as I review Deadly Premonition.

I'd first heard of this title several years ago when it was called Rainy Woods. The trailer looked like a love letter to Twin Peaks and I couldn't wait to play it. Then I learnt is was an American release only, great sadness for Adamicus's Xbox 360 then!

However, they changed the name to Deadly Premonition and I got this game last year sometime.

I have tried to review this game for sometime now, but it's really hard to put my thoughts and feelings down onto paper or in this case on the keyboard. It's down to the fact that Deadly Premonition, isn't a game. Yet it isn't a film. It's a interactive experience that transcends what I would consider to be a mild form of entertainment to a work of art that absorbed me body and soul into it's narrative.

I can honestly say that I've never played a "game" like it. On completion of the game I simply turned off my console and sat there, processing the last few moments of the thrilling conclusion in both abject horror and biter sweet happiness. It was a few days before I played a game again as I really felt emotionally drained.
Just to be clear, as a game, this is far from perfect. But as an experience there truly is nothing else like it out there.

There won't be spoilers in this due to my respect for the source material and not wanting to ruin the journey for any of you who decide to play this.

So, what the hell is Deadly Premonition? Well I'd define it as a 3rd Person Psychological Horror.

The set-up is simple: In the town of Greenvale, a local girl has been murdered and the FBI have decided to bring in it's finest, Special Agent Francis "York" Morgan, to help solve it. But that truly is just the surface, and the idyllic town soon shows it's true colours as another girl is murdered.

The main character, Francis "York" Morgan, is an enigma from the get go. He breaks the fourth wall on several occasions referring to you as "Zach". The other characters in the game notice this but he always tells them not to ask him about Zach. When you're driving around in your car, York will begin to talk to you about films from the 80's. Even asking you questions about films and his opinion on it. It's not that dissimilar to American Psycho, where Bateman is talking about music seconds before burying an axe into a guys head. York is brash, impolite at points, untrustworthy of everyone and superstitious, he also has a mysterious past to add to his repertoire.

So he's a bit of an oddball, which is good news as the rest of the town is full of them. From Thomas a sheriff's deputy who is just a little camp to Sigourney the "pot" lady who is always worried that her pot will get cold to Harry Stewart a wheelchair bounded millionaire with a skull gas mask over his face. They're all weirdo's, except Emily, the lady police officer who seems to be the only normal person in town and also York's love interest.

The killer is known as "The Raincoat Killer" which is a pretty cool name and Raincoat looks pretty cool in a red raincoat, glowing eyes and an axe he takes around with him. He's not the only baddy you'll be facing as for some reason, when it rains and at night and in places where you're on your own, Greenvale becomes populated with zombies. Not just regular zombies, these guys literally bend over backwards like they're in the world limbo championships. They move slowly then suddenly speed up, also they have a weird blur surrounding which is a great visual effect when they appear. If they catch you, they don't eat your brains, instead they force their hand down your throat. It's pretty f**ked up. They can also take quite a beating, with several bullets before they finally go down. They can carry weapons sometimes and then there's the really annoying one that looks like the girl from The Ring. She's a bit of a mini boss and keeps turning up. She takes FOREVER to kill, which gets annoying when at one point, you're facing 3, one after another.

There's a lot to do in Greenvale and you're encouraged to take your time with the case. You can go fishing, play darts, take part in time trials, investigate Mystery spots where you can unlock new weapons, do side missions that reveal more about the characters and plot and collect cards that are scattered all over the place.
You've also got a map that has the location of everyone in Greenvale, so you can follow their movements. I had a particular disturbing discovery about one of the characters when I "peeked" through their window and found them doing something really really odd.

The game play is very much rinse and repeat. You goto a location, a cut scene happens, you investigate the location and then are on your own when zombies attack, here you'll also encounter Raincoat and have an on rails chase scene before uncovering the clues to lead you to the next location. The driving isn't great as your car feels pretty sluggish and the combat is dull. There's no multiple choice questions you can ask when you're speaking to someone either.

However, the narrative truly is the star. I played Deadly Premonition and from the get go I was hooked. York Morgan was like an old friend by the end, and the final act of the game got me quite emotional. I was awe struck with certain moments, laughing along with others and truly gobsmacked with the finale.

All this and for a low low price. Deadly Premonition is a budget title and you can currently pick it up for about £12.00. Also it's coming to Xbox Games On Demand service, so if you have a big enough hard drive and the price isn't too bad, it's well worth the investment. Especially if you like Twin Peaks.

It won't be everyone's cup of tea but for those of you who it strikes a chord with, play it till completion then tell me if you agree. SWERY, the creator is hoping to make a prequel, and I for one am hoping that too. More mainstream games should focus as much on the plot and characters as SWERY did as I've not come close to playing a game that can beat Deadly Premonition's emotional investment.

Well there you have it. Only took me over a year to get some of my thoughts about this seminal game down on this blog. Your current program of randomness will resume soon.

What's App Doc? : Mos Speedrun

Okay so for those of you who have the ability to purchase and play Apps to your hearts content, here's a little focus on a few Apps you may or may not know about that I would recommend.

Today, it's MOS SPEEDRUN (£1.19)

This is a cool little game where you control a character who looks like he's escaped Dr. Moreau's island unscathed. You control said mutant as you try and get from the start of a stage to the end (The end of a stage is a red letterbox... I'm not kidding) whilst avoiding zombies, bees, spikes, fireballs, drowning and other obstacles.

The controls are simple you have Left and Right in the bottom left corner and an Up arrow for jumping in the bottom right. The controls are quite responsive and your fingers don't obscure what's going on (like they can do in a lot of other apps)

Each stage has four medals to get. One for completing it, one for collection all the coins in the stage, one for collecting a hidden mask and one for doing it under a certain time (hence the title Speedrun) There are 25 stages in total split over 5 levels and become unlocked as you get medals for completing stages.

The music in the game sounds like what music will be like in the year 4000, when Japanese Robots have conquered the world, got bored and decided to organise a rave.

When you die, and you will, you start the stage again, however you will be joined by the ghost of your last attempt, complete with seeing your past self impaled on the same spike that killed you. The graphics fit well with the old school style of the game and each stage has a particular theme. One little thing I do enjoy is the zombies walk around with a sad look on their face, but if they kill you they smile, so at least they're happy. Your little ladybird mutant has four costumes to choose from, one is a bee costume which makes him look even more f**ked up so I tend to wear that the most.

Like most of these seemingly simple games, the difficulty does ramp up as you play, so be warned.

All in all it's a fun title that has a lot of replay value all for £1.19 or try the "lite" version for free.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Promises Promises

There will be a new blog, relating to my Journal of A Post Apocalyptic Office Drone soon I promise you. I'm just spending the free time I DO have putting the final touches to Edward Lobe : Dead Before Dawn before it's sent off somewhere (a landfill probably)

I'll be a father next month and imagine that most of my free time will then be absorbed by family rather than random posts/films. It's been a busy few months for me hence why this blog is gathering dust. It makes me sad to think that there's at least 1 person who reads this and won't have anything to read for a while and I don't want to lose my one reader now do I!?

So when I get an hour to myself I'll write a few Journals in advance and stagger them like me on a Saturday night.

In other news I've finished writing a short film called "Mobius Man" that will be filmed this summer. It's the horror equivalent to Ground Hog Day. It reads like an episode from the twilight zone which is what I was hoping.

We've pretty much cast the next to Edward Lobe films, with the BRILLIANT Izzy Paige and Scott Noble coming on board.

And finally there are 3 new Stoopid Studios projects which I'm writing/have written.

Contingency - A comedy about an emergency contingency planning committee set in the same "world" as my post apocalyptic journal blog

Foley Falls - A psychological horror about four men searching for a missing girl, but whilst they search for her in the woods, something searches for them.

The Disappearance of Terrence Fledwick - Okay, this is going to be a mind-f**k. I've had some crazed ideas in my time, but this takes the soggy biscuit and everything that goes on top of it. In this film the fourth wall will be demolished and the whole thing will be a mess of plot threads, characters and intrigue.

Well, that would probably also go a long way to show you that I HAVE been writing... just not on my blog :(

With that, I should go and feed the cyclops in the cellar (not a euphemism for my penis) as he is getting hungry. I do promise I'll update this blog with something a bit tasty soon.

Ciao!

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

More Stoopid Studio News

Stoopid Studios have a new website after our last website gained sentience and began to bid on ebay.

www.stoopidstudios.weebly.com

I'll be diverting my time between this page (which is gathering dust and I'm sure my readers no longer visit due to large gaps between updates) and the stoopid studios page.

We've got two more Lobe films coming and a slew of ideas that will hopefully come to fruition. I've also got back my good lady's laptop which had the only surviving footage of ENDLESS SETLIST which maybe someday will be compiled and aired, stranger things have happened.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about Journal, which you've probably stopped reading now. It will be finished and will be worth the wait (hopefully you'll think so too)

In other news, I'll be a dad very soon and am very excited to be able to have a miniature version of me to annoy and plague with my pointless conversations.

Ciao for now homo sapiens!

Friday, 27 May 2011

16 - Opening Night

16 Opening Night

We rehearsed for the Panto for 2 hours. That's all the time we had before the "audience" would arrive. To say I was a little under-prepared would be a down rite lie. I had never been so un-prepared for something since my GCSE's.

Before I knew it, it was time for our performance and I couldn't tell if the butterflies in my stomach were there because I was nervous about performing in front of an audience for the first time in a long time or if I had butterflies because if my performance wasn't up to scratch I'd be vaporised.

My Pre-End dreams were quite nice compared to the ones I suffer each night in this nightmarish reality, however one of the reoccurring ones I had in my past was about going onto a theatre stage with no idea of my lines or what I was doing. I always thought, in my dream, how has it come to this? How has the director let me get to this point? But here I was. About to live my dream, which was really more of a nightmare thinking about it.

I stood in the wings as music began to play from the pit, all coming from musical instruments that had no one playing them of course. The music they were playing, I'd never heard before, and then the curtains opened to reveal our "chorus" or "ensemble" if you're trying to give them a fancy name.

Remember, I'd not seen the chorus, I'd been in a room for two hours with a half spider, a man made of stone, a singer who couldn't sing and a transvestite, trying to come up with a show to perform. In reality we only came up with a loose plot as an hour and a half was taken up with Ben Orlock, the man of stone, regaling us with a story about when he played the King of Hearts. So these Chorus members, were all new to me. I didn't even know we had a chorus.

The chorus consisted of various lobotomised individuals, including Farren (who had been sitting in the corner of the rehearsal room) wearing his fancy Bermuda shorts. The curtain had been up several minutes before the chorus began to move. They did a little dance (if you can call it that) and then scarpered off.

For several moments the stage was empty. I looked into the other wings and saw all the other cast members looking both confused and scared, all thinking the same thing. Who would be the first to go on? I'd like to say that I had the balls to make the first move, but it was the guy without any balls who did. Leo East, the widow Twanky.

I've got to hand it to him, he was amazing. He had obviously been doing this for a long time and I think the fact he now believed that he was no longer acting, but was in fact the widow Twanky helped his performance. The Audience were laughing and cheering at the correct moments and it made me relax a little bit.

Next on came the hero of the piece, Jack. played by Izzy Book. Izzy, as I had stated, used to be fantastic. Used to be. This girl began her song and my brain nearly liquidized. It was the most shrill, awful, and downright spine tingling noise I'd ever heard. Ever wake up to hear cats having sex? They make a noise that is creepy and painful at the same time. The vocals that came from Izzy made me want to go out and buy a CD of cat sex noises, it was that bad.

But she was applauded! My god, they loved her! I couldn't quite get over this, and once again I relaxed. If they liked that, then I was sure they'd like me. But next came the daughter, played by Hagley's half-arachnid sister, Jaki. I heard someone shout "My god, what is it!?" before hearing a noise that was that someone being vaporised. (Audience participation is mandatory, but only at the allotted moments)

I had to take my hat off to Jaki, if I'd been wearing one I mean, as even though her spider legs were vomit inducing to look at, they made her a great dancer. The tap number she did would have made Fred Astair look like a drunk-hobo on a podium at a nightclub.

They cleared the stage and the villain came on, Ben Orlock. His first scene, lasted an hour. AN HOUR! As he repeated his lines over and over and over and over and over and over again. I was about to drift off when I realised it was mine and Hagley's time to shine (or die)

She squeezed my hand and smiled at me, this whole event had cleared her insanity for a moment it seemed, and we went onto the stage.

When you're on a stage, it sometimes hard to see the audience thanks to the bright lights from the lighting rig, but there were no lights in this production, so I could see the auditorium was full of smiling faces. No bodies, just faces. Scary scary faces, like something the BBC would have rejected for a Dr. Who episode as they were too scary.

For a moment, Hagley and I just stood there looking at them. Their smiles slowly dropped and the look of joy on their faces seemed to be being replaced by anger. We had to do something, and do it fast. Hagley began and before I knew it we had them laughing their socks (impossible as they didn't have them) off.

That's all I remember about that first night, the following nights all merged into one and Hagley and I had been performing for the best part of four months (pre-end time) before we were rescued from the trance we'd fallen into. But our escape wasn't easy, and a lot of good people died.

On that note, I'm heading off to bed. Hopefully I'll survive to continue this tale...

Friday, 22 April 2011

How I (nearly) died.

Last Sunday, I nearly died.

That's not an exaggeration on my part, it's an actual fact.

It was a sunny morning outside, birds were singing, children were playing and chavs were drinking. I could see all of it from the safety of my freezing cold house. It's strange but if you stay inside on a sunny day, in my house anyway, it's actually really cold! But when you step outside the front door it's boiling. Probably all those dead people that are buried under my house making it as cold as it is... anyway....

I was home alone and was eating the breakfast of champions, that is Nutella on Toast with a cup of tea. I love, by the way, how on the back of the Nutella jar it states that Nutella is actually good for you as it has 2 whole hazelnuts in each portion you apply to your toast. Yeah, Nutella is the corner stone of any healthy diet, any nutritionist will tell you that!

So as there was nothing on the television to zone out to, I went into my study and put on Youtube, and to my delight they had 10 O'clock Live one, which is something I enjoy to watch. (Except when they stumble over the lines they're reading off of their Autocue. Here's looking at you Mitchell!)

Men cannot Multi-Task, that's science! However I threw caution to the wind and decided to watch, eat and drink at the same time. I did however do an extra something, I decided to breathe. Which on it's own isn't a bad thing, but when you're simultaneously drinking and eating, it's not advisable... as I was about to find out.

A piece of Nutella laden became lodged in my throat, and I lost the ability to breath. Panic set in, as did the blood rushing to my head. This isn't the first time I've nearly died. When I was enjoying white-water rafting on a river in Turkey, I nearly drowned, so I'd already had the whole life flashing before my eyes but this time was different. This time I was thinking "Great, so this is how you die. This is how Adamicus the 3rd will go out. Choked to death on toast!"

There are worse fates I guess, however this was a pretty nasty one. My thoughts went to that of my Long Suffering Lady Wife and Mother To Be Louise, what of her and our little unborn child. What would happen to them? If I wasn't around, who would mess up that child's life!?

I staggered out of the study and decided to go seek help, I was thinking quite clearly for a man who couldn't breathe, which I'm impressed with if I do say so myself. If my front door had of been locked... I'd not be writing this blog right now, but luckily it had been left open when Louise had left for work that morning.

I could feel myself turning purple as I got onto the pavement and scanned the streets for people and luckily a random guy could see my particular colour wasn't quite normal and came over to help. With a few sturdy slaps to the back from the good Samaritan, that piece of toast flew from my throat and landed limply in the grass. The colour went from my face and I thanked the man who simply said "No worries" and walked off.

I'd like to say I have a different view on life now, I'd like to say I'm going to live every day like it's last. But instead I'm carrying on as normal. In fact after I nearly died, do you know what the first thing I did was?

I went up stairs and carried on doing what I did before, but this time eating smaller morsels of toast.

What an idiot.

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Return of the Journal

15
Return of the Journal

Well, hello stranger! It's only taken me what I can only guess was several months to get this flaming journal back!

I'd been sleeping you see, something that I don't tend to do much for fear of being eaten, killed, captured or eaten. Somehow I'd managed to sleep through the alarm, which consisted of a bottle of ketchup (there are loads of them littering the streets for some reason) perched on the top of a bookcase in my shack. I knock it over just before I go to sleep underneath it, and usually by the time the ketchup has run out the bottle and hit me on the face, it's morning.

So sleeping through the alarm meant that I was covered in Ketchup. When I awoke I thought I had been attacked, and it took me a few minutes to stop running around my shack before I realised that my blood smelt exactly like the ketchup that was my alarm clock.

Looking around I realised instantly that something was amiss, due to the fact that my things were missing. But they hadn't left me completely empty handed, oh no, they'd done a massive dump by the door. I swore on that dump that I'd have my revenge!!

Without this journal, my mind started to get worse and worse. I think writing about what has happened to me and my loved ones and my not so loved ones, is helping me to cope with the utter pointlessness of the situation... who knows?

I kinda blacked out and when I came too I was madder than a blind man at a strip show... It was then I realised I'd killed another person, but I couldn't, and still don't, remember who it was... I'm sure it'll come back to me. I think whoever it was, was the person who had my journal, as that was what I was holding in my hands!

My sanity, or whatever you can call sanity these days, seemed to return to me and I decided straight away to find a pen/pencil/chalk/blood/poo to write an entry!

Oh, I've missed you my little companion, and you'll be glad to know I found one of the former to write this entry in with.

Well, I need to look over where I'd got to so I can get you to where I am now, eventually...

Thursday, 31 March 2011

Apologies from Adamicus the 3rd

Well the title says it all really.

I've not been able to update this blog with any substantial info in some time, due to a million and one things going on with me at the moment. By the time I've gotten home and had dinner after work, I just want to vegetate, and my weekends at the moment are being planned out for me.

Fear not! Some more content will be shat from my cranium for you to mull over as soon as I get a free chance to brain shite.

Till then, I hope you're not dead.

Friday, 25 February 2011

Meet The Cast

14
Meet The Cast

You may have noticed that I've not updated my journal in a while. It's kinda hard in this post apocalyptic wasteland, to find five minutes to collect your thoughts, let alone write down what happened what seems years ago.


I've been busy, surviving. That's really just an excuse though isn't it, I may as well be honest with you. The Panto season was a very low point in a life full of low points. It kind of depresses me thinking about back then, but at the same time it does make me feel a bit better about the situation I'm in now. Sure it's bad, what with my every waking minute being haunted by my past mistakes and failures, but at least I wasn't doing Panto.


So, I left it where I'd just listened to whatever it was The Directors had told me about their messed up sob story of what had happened to them after The End.


Hagley and I followed the snivelling Pally Arvin through a myriad of corridors before winding up at a rehearsal room.


"Now..." Pally started "I'd like to introduce you to the rest of the cast, be nice now." and with that, he flung open the door to the rehearsal room and in we walked, not sure what to expect. Of course I was pretty sure I'd know 90% of the people here, but I was wrong. I actually knew 100% of the people there, or I did before The End.


Including Pope and myself it was a cast of six people. Leo East, an intelligent and witty chap before the end, was now reduced to being Widow Twanky. I say "being" as he had been acting for The Directors so long that the lines between reality and pantomime had merged into one, as far as Leo was concerned, he was Widow Twanky. The others weren't as obviously effected by The End, but I would learn soon that they had their own issues.


Then the part of the lead male, who was always played by a woman (Panto was messed up before The End!) was being performed by Izzy Book who was a great singer before The End, but that changed believe you me. The villain of the piece was played by a brummy called Ben Orlock, whose skin had turned to stone, along with his personality, and he'd spend hours telling you the same story over and over again.


Finally there was the love interest, who was none other than Hagley's younger sister Jaki. As soon as Hagley saw what was left of her sister, her mind became clear once more and she ran over and embraced her. I think Hagley was there for a whole minute before she noticed that her sister was now part arachnid. Jaki's top half was as it used to be, but her torso went into a horrible spider body complete with eight legs spindly legs.


I still remember with great sadness Hagley and Jaki's reunion. They were both happy and in despair at the same time. Hagley moved away from her sister, a horrified look of dreadful comprehension filled her face, and then Hagley just held her sister even tighter and cooed that "everything will be alright" If only she had of been correct as everything would not be alright.


"Right!" Pally almost sung out these words "It's time for rehearsals!"


As if under mind control, the four others took there places, and waited for us to join them. Hagley looked at me, and I looked at her, both of us wondering the same thing.


"Where's the script?" I asked Pally.


"Well, they used to have a script writer, but The Directors found that each pantomime was exactly the same as the last one, that all the writer had done was change the characters names. This wouldn't do, so they vaporised him and then decided to get the actors to improvise. If it's not funny, or the story doesn't make sense, well, you get vaporised. It's pretty good theatre."


The last time I had been in a pantomime was when I was about eight, and I'd played Polly the Parrot in Robinson Crusoe. The highlight of my performance was sitting at the front of the stage picking a hole in my tights as I was in a world of my own. I'd seen the theatre's pantos over the years due to friends like Ray being in them, but never really paid attention to what happened in it, I was too busy watching that people didn't steal the dog's bone or clamoring for the thrown sweets. But at least we had rehearsals so we could get it practice and come up with something.


"Ok everybody" Pally bellowed "We're going to open this show up with a dance routine, so just follow me."


Pre-End music, as it's called today (Post-End music usually is made from human screams) began playing out of speakers hidden in the room, and Pally began to show us the dance.


I had thought he wasn't a very good dancer, but The End had changed him, or he'd gotten good since I last saw him, and I mean very good. He was the best dancer that has ever lived, but he was a lousy teacher.
He did a string of a thousand moves and then clapped his hands and the music turned off.


"Hope you remember that for opening night!" He chirped


"When's that!?" I replied


"Tonight of course!" was the response, and he walked out the door.


"Come along you two" Leo in his widow Twanky voice cried "We've got to get this spot on or we'll end up like poor old Farren"


With that he pointed to the corner of the room, where a plump kid in Bermuda shorts looked blankly back at me.


"What's a Farren?" Hagley asked.


Jaki's spider legs moved her to her sister as she said "That weird kid, that's Farren. He was supposed to be having tea with the Vicar before The End, but he got roped into doing a panto. He was awful, and The Directors thought he was so bad, that instead of vaporising him, they removed his brain and replaced it with sawdust. He just sits there... staring."


"Jaki" I asked "Why the hell are you a spider"


"Shud up" Orlock pitched in "Weev not got tyme fur all thiss, weev got yan audiance!"


"That handsome man is right of course" Leo as Twanky, interjected "let's make this the best panto ever!"


I couldn't believe, yet again, how my luck had ran out. My thoughts about my wife, family, cats and friends once again resurfaced. I couldn't spend the next who knows how long, doing productions of improvised mania! I needed to get out of there. Izzy Book put her hand on my shoulder and with the deepest voice you've ever heard, told me "Don't worry man, it'll be alright on the night"


Spoiler alert, but very soon, there's a lot of death.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

Still no internetz

Aloha, it feels like ages since I updated this blog and a lot has happened. I've started a new job, seen more films and written more Joapaod!

Hopefully I'll be able to sort out my internetz later on today and update y'all midweek :)

Hope you're well and not worried about the upcoming mass ejections from the sun!

Thursday, 3 February 2011

The Brain's Backstory

13
The Brain's Backstory

"Well I can only imagine what you must be thinking" a camp disembodied voice said to Hagley and I as we stared uncomfortably into the jars that contained the floating brains that were The Directors.

"Let me explain..." which the floating brain in a jar went on to do in a grand over the top fashion, but I can honestly say I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been, and certain tidbits of information may have been lost in the recesses of my brain somewhere, so I'll tell you what I can remember.

When The End happened, The Directors were having an emergency meeting at the Theatre, as the Theatre was going through a particularly bad spell. In fact it was hemorrhaging money due to the new 3D SuperPlex-Cinema that had recently opened in town.

After several ideas as to how to draw in a crowd, they were interrupted by The End! The Directors heads expanded until their brains exploded out of the top and began to float about. Floating around as a brain wasn't easy and they found that dirt and fluff started to cling to them, so they made the technical crew that were still about, make them large jars so they could float about without worry of attracting anything to their new soft forms.

They weren't just floating brains however, as they had discovered that they had gained psychic powers and began to use these powers to seek out other living beings and draw them to the Theatre. At first, these people were helped by The Directors, as it became public knowledge pretty fast that there was a group of Chavs abducting people (Ray and Shav's chavs to be precise), so the people who came to The Directors were allowed to stay in the relative safety of the Theatre.

One day The Directors thought of a great morale boosting idea. "Why not put on a show for these people?" and they did just that. They got everyone involved and they all had a great time to begin with... but after a few months, people began feeling safe again and wanted to leave the Theatre. The Directors had always wanted a captive audience and so they began to use their powers to keep the people there against their wills.

There were several escape attempts made, like Chris Haze (A small fella I knew) He had broken into wardrobe and made himself a pair of wings, got onto the roof of the Theatre and jumped off to fly to freedom. Unfortunately he fell to his death and his body was stuffed and mounted backstage to warn anyone else that if they tried anything, they would face the same fate.

Food became scarce, but the directors were able to secrete a disgusting substance from their brains, which was high in essential nutrients. So everyone had to eat whatever the hell that stuff was or they'd starve. Personally I don't know which is a worse fate, eating some unknown gloop from a floating brain or starving to death.
Fast forward a few months and most of the original people had become exhausted from the constant performances or dead, so The Directors began a search for new talent, and that had lead them to finding Hagley and I.

After that back story, we were brought back to the painful reality that three floating brains were forcing us to perform in their pantomime, like a couple of performing monkeys who could sing and dance. Any objection was futile, as they could and would kill us at any time they wished, so we both agreed to just go along with it for the time being.

"That's super, well you'd better meet the rest of the cast! Pally, would you be so kind?"

And with that, Pally Arvin lead us off to meet the cast, all of whom, surprisingly, were people I had known before The End, and a few of them would die.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Half Arsed Review: Dinner for Shmucks!

I'm a big fan of Steve Carell, I think he is hilarious in Anchorman and his portrayal of Michael Scott in The American Office is inspired and Dan in Real life, if you've not seen that, make it your next movie to view as it's amazing.

So, as you can see, I really rate Steve Carell, which means my enjoyment of this film was probably pretty guaranteed but here goes.

I saw the trailer for Dinner for Shmucks and wasn't really blown away by it. A guy wanting a promotion has to bring an idiot with him to a meal that happens every month, where other business men bring idiots, and they have a prize for the best idiot.

Sunday night however, I watched it with my long suffering lady wife Louise and her family and was laughing pretty much non-stop. Carell's idiot is actually really endearing and he's not the same character that he was in Anchorman, the idiot in this was believably idiotic. He wouldn't be idiotic for the sake of it, he'd get into a predicament through a series of ill founded choices.

He also has a hobby of dressing up dead mice and making them into little works of art, which are amazingly cute yet disturbing at the same time. The fact he's made something as ugly as death beautiful shows actual brilliance despite his idiotic capers.

Paul Rudd who was also in Anchorman plays the main guy who's up for promotion and the chemistry between him and Carell carries over to this, making the friendship seem, once again, believable.

Add a whole load of cameos: Jermaine and Mel from Flight of the Conchords, one half of Little Britain, the Irish guy from IT Crowd and Zach Galifilanis or whatever his name is, who was the bearded weirdo from The Hangover.

This is the best American comedy I've seen for a while, there's a joke about finding the clitoris that just seemed really out of place, but apart from that, it's comedy gold.

If you like Steve Carell, this is one of his best, if you're not keen on him, skip it and go watch Lassie or whatever it is you kids like.

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Half Arsed Review: Black Swan

Black Swan is a psychological thriller about an unhinged ballet dancer whose given the role of a lifetime, but begins to crack under the pressure of an over controlling mother, her overwhelming feelings for her tutor and the rivalry between her and her american rival who reminds me of Cher from The X Factor.

If that doesn't tickle your fancy, then why don't you go watch Step-Up 3D you retard.

I know what you're thinking, or at least I think I know what you're thinking from some guess work and after hacking your facebook account. You're probably thinking that Black Swan is a ballet film with mild horror elements, maybe you're thinking that it's a chick flick? Well it is one of those rare films that has something for both sexes.

There's the ballet and bitchiness for the women and horror and sexy bits for the men.

Let's go to the bit you're most interested in: The Sexy Bits!!

Well Natalie Portman's crotch gets groped more times than a hot girl at a nightclub in Coventry, and there's some "steamy" girl on girl and man on girl action. No boobage though guys, so if you want to see boobs you'll have to take off your shirt and look in the mirror.

The horror parts are pretty well done, there are moments that will make you jump and some visually disturbing moments. The mother character in this isn't quite as terrifying as Carrie's mum or Mrs. Ganesh from Drag Me To Hell or David Cameron being in power for a few more years, but she is damned creepy so gets some kudos for that.

The whole thing of course rests on Natalie Portman's shoulders. If she was awful, this would be a lame goose not a black swan. In my humble opinion, Natalie Portman is an actress who is either pretty dire or pretty good. Star Wars she was pretty dire, Black Swan however she does pretty good. So even if you're not a fan of her, I'd recommend this.

As with all my half arsed reviews I don't delve to deeply into any plot, and I don't wish to for fear of spoiling this really interesting film, but this film will keep you guessing right till the end. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm pretty good at guessing what's going to happen in a film, and most films are ruined for me due to their predictability, but this is one of those few films that I only figured out certain elements so ten points to them for that!

This film also has some great use of camerawork as obviously Natalie Portman is not an amazing ballet dancer, so when she's dancing you either see just her top half/bottom half or see her in a mirror where they've used a bit of the ol' movie magic, to make it look like it's her. This works well and didn't detract from the movie too much for my over analytical self.

I'd highly recommend going to see it  as it's a very taut psychological thriller and is worth the price of the highly extortionate admission fee of your local cinema.

Friday, 28 January 2011

Happy Friday

It's my penultimate Friday at my job, and thanks to no internets at home, I cannot update you all on the journal today.

So instead, take the time you would have spent reading my blog, to text a loved one how much you truly hate them to their core.

It's also my mum's birthday! Yay!

Mum said something about the Black Swan, so I was ready for a drinking session, but it turns out that it's a movie about ballet psychosis. I look forward to letting you know what I thought.

Ciao for Niao.

Have a glorious weekend and remember people. If their status updates piss you off that much, just delete them from your facebook/myspace/life.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

The Baby Blog: My reaction

Like most couples, we'd had our share of "scares" in the past, so when my long suffering lady wife Louise was telling me that she couldn't remember the last time Aunt Flo had visited, I paid it no real attention.

We'd been at a friends wedding, and I recall Lou had been complaining about how her bra's were too small. I blamed the tumble dryer for this (I also blame the tumble dryer if Lou comes home and the house is untidy, and it also gets the blame if the bin wasn't put out) and I thought no more about it.

Then one fateful day, not long after the wedding, I was beckoned upstairs by my lovely wife, for her to reveal that she had done a test, and it had come up positive. All at once I was overcome with joy and disbelief and my face kept switching between two expressions: gob smacked and happy. I must have looked like I was having a series of strokes!

So as the test was a cheap ASDA one (the 11+ of the pregnancy test world), Lou took two more "more reliable" tests, and both of them, after only a minute of conferring with each other, came back saying that we were due to be parents.

It took me a few days to really get my head round the fact, and I just kept thinking "no way, the test's probably wrong". I just didn't trust the technology and wanted a doctor or someone official to confirm it, but the midwife just took our word for it and it wasn't until the ultra-sound till I had someone say "and there's the baby"

A load of worries dawned on me when I realised I'm going to be a father. There's so much I need to do, to prepare, to buy and to learn, before the little one arrives.

I always thought I've got a lot of love to give to a child, and I'm not the dumbest person in the world, so I've got a lot of knowledge to give (some of it useful) but things dad's can do, I can't. You think of your stereotypical father, and they're good with cars and DIY and you know, just manly stuff. But I didn't pay attention in Design Technology and was always worried I'd get a splinter or burn myself, like the wimp I am, and I'm far from manly.

But all my worries (and there are a lot) are overshadowed by the thought of having a mini version of me and Lou running around. I had joked with Lou from the offset that if we were to ever have children, they'd come out 3 foot tall, have claws and razor sharp teeth and they'd try and kill her. Hopefully this wont be the case, and it'll inherit Lou's good looks and my wit. If it's the other way round... god help us all!

Friday, 21 January 2011

Pally and The Directors

12
Pally and The Directors
"Whoops! Wrong button" the camp voice called out, then the light turned green. "You guys were fantastic! Jayme and Bin, take them to the rehearsal room, we've now got a full compliment!"

"Wait!" I replied, mustering some courage from somewhere deep within myself "I haven't got time for this, I've got to find my long suffering lady wife Louise, my cats and friend are out there too and Hagley's better half Myke, he's still unaccounted for. We can't stay, we need to get out there and find them! So you'll just have to find someone else to do your show"

Silence. Then the voice spoke again in a more stern yet still surprisingly camp voice.

"You have a choice darlings, you can either perform in our pantomime or I can vaporise you on the spot."

I didn't really have to think too long about the options. I sometimes wish I had chosen to be vaporised, thus ending my pitiful existence, as things for me have gone steadily downhill since The End, but I chose the cowards way and agreed to do their show.

"Oh that's excellent. Well we'll just break for a quick luncheon and then rehearsals can begin. If you'd follow these two gentlemen, they'll take you to the tea bar for some lunch."

Lunch. I hadn't had lunch since before The End, and I hadn't realised how hungry I was until my stomach was reminded that it's main function wasn't to expel it's contents. So we followed Jayme and Bin out of the theatre and across the road.

The tea bar, was a rectangular room with tables and chairs laid out for people to enjoy a hot beverage and some cakes between shows. The table and chairs were laid out, but there were no cakes or drinks available. Instead in the centre of the middle table was a large pot with a grey substance bubbling inside and several bowls stacked up by the side with metal spoons in a messy pile next to them.

Jayme said something that only Bin could understand and they both left the room, locking it behind us. As soon as they had done this Hagley proceeded towards the pot, got a bowl and spooned in some of the unknown substance. She'd gone back to whatever world it was that she was living in, sat down and began to eat whatever it was.

My stomach was rumbling but I wasn't sure I trusted the grey substance, Hagley however had finished a bowl and seemed to still be breathing. The pangs of hunger took over and I decided to tuck into some of the unknown stuff, which seemed like a good idea at the time, but my god it was the most awful substance known to man. I can still taste it to this day.

The grey stuff looked like a mixture of porridge and diarrhea, and smelt like the devil's crotch after a three day sex marathon with various sea creatures. The taste, was like nothing on earth, a combination of burnt hair, the contents of a dead mans catheter and beetroot. I hate beetroot.

I put the spoon in my mouth, and as soon as the grey stuff had touched the tip of my tongue, my stomach went back to it's default mode and began to lurch. I had nothing to bring up however and just curled up in a ball hoping to die. Hagley on the other hand, helped herself to seconds.

"How can you eat that stuff?" I cried out to her, but she was too busy wolfing down the foul mixture to reply.

The door suddenly opened and the last person I ever wanted to see, bounded in the room. No it wasn't the devil himself, it was the only person I ever hated. One of the worst actors I'd ever been on stage with. It was Pally Arvin.

I had acted with Pally a while back in a nautical themed show and he drove me scatty. For some reason, when you acted opposite him, he always looked up at the ceiling. His face would be towards you, but his eyes would be in the roof. It was unsettling. This wouldn't matter if he was an alright guy, but he was up himself more than an elevator in an elevator shaft.

After that show I'd done at least one more with him, but tried to keep my distance and ignore invites to any social gatherings he invited me to.

Pally was unaware that I actually loathed him as was evident when he came bounding over towards me. The End seemed to be punishing me on purpose. How was it that my friends who were a lovely bunch before The End, had been turned into monstrosities or turned deranged, yet someone as annoyingly smug and genuinely full of shit as Pally had been spared?

Pally, for some reason using an American accent, bellowed at me "My gosh, if it isn't Adamicus. Why I ain't seen you since we did that show about Kansas!"

"Mores the pity" I replied, as I got up off the floor.

"I'm so glad you're doing the show, I'm doing the choreography!"

Pally knew less about dancing than I knew about Chinese Particle Physics, so I was just a little surprised. My hunger was replaced with anger when it occurred to me that he was behind all this theatre madness. I pushed him over one of the tables and put my hands around his throat.

"All I have to do is squeeze Pally. Why are you doing all this!?"

"I'm just doing what The Directors told me to do." He choked back, his eyes not looking at me like they used to when we acted together.

"I want to meet these Directors of yours" I replied, getting angrier at the lack of eye contact I wasn't getting.

"Sure, that's why I came down, to bring you to them... if you let go of me, I'll take you."

I let go of him, and he squirmed towards the door leading out, opened it and beckoned me and Hagley to follow. Grabbing Hagley's hand we left the room, following the despicable Pally Arvin as he lead us upstairs, down a narrow corridor, passing several doors before coming to a particular door that had never been there before The End.

"Enter" a camp voice called out.

So Pally opened the door ajar and ushered us through, closing the door behind us. I didn't quite know what to expect, but I can honestly say that I never expected to see enormous glass jars with floating brains inside them. These were The Directors, and they had plans for me and Hagley, theatrical plans...


Wednesday, 19 January 2011

The Baby Blog

For those readers who choose to read my blog, and for those who are currently in a North Korean jail cell being forced to read the crap I write as a form of punishment, I'd like to let you know that I am about to embark on my most adventurous adventure yet (previous adventures being surviving puberty and climbing mount Snowdon)

As you know, I use this blog to offload the creative juices that ooze out of my pores like the poison those south American tree frogs secrete from theirs. Unlike tree frog poison, my creative juices won't kill you, in fact I'm always passing a mug of my secretion around for all to sip from... and on that note, my long suffering lady wife Louise is going to become a mother. Luckily, I too shall be becoming a parent!

These blog entries are usually full of my views on the world, or stories to raise a smile or cast a frown, but I shall be taking some time to write up what you humans call "thoughts and feelings" and will be boring you all no doubt with my journey to parenthood.