Friday, 14 May 2010

The Adventures of Cup the Duck - Part 1

The Adventures of Cup the Duck

Cup the duck, was a duck called Cup. He lived on Willow Tree farm on the outskirts of Daventry, an insignificant blight on an already overcrowded map that makes up the midlands.

Cup loved to spend his days swimming in the pond, and playing with his friends Pizza the Pig, Watch the cow and Keys the chicken.

One sunny day, Cup the duck noticed that Farmer Candle seemed a little poorly, so he waddled over to see what was wrong.

“What’s up?” asked Cup the Duck

Farmer Candle looked down at his faithful duck
“Hello Cup” he said “I’m not feeling too well I’m afraid. It’s the worst possible time as well, what with the new fiscal year starting, and I’m already behind with the rent. But there’s always this years crop to think about…”

What an unusual conversation thought Cup as he waddled away. He decided he’d talk to Pizza the Pig and see what she thought.

“Hello Pizza, I was just speaking to Farmer Candle and he…”

Pizza was dead.

Stay tuned for the next thrilling chapter in The Adventures of Cup the Duck!!!

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Half Arsed Review : The Cradle Will Fall AKA Baby Blues

Okay, I've seen some pretty sick movies in my time, but this film, takes the biscuit, gets a bunch of it's mates round gets them to cum all over it, before force feeding you it whilst it murders your parents.

Let's get on with this horrendous piece of cinema/sickness.

I put this film on my Lovefilm rental list as it sounded like a good horror/thriller...

"With her husband gone and the stress of family life rising, Mom suffers a psychotic break due to postpartum depression that compels her to exterminate her four children, aged between 10 and 3 months.

Now hope for the family's survival rests on the shoulder of eldest son Jimmy, surrogate man of the house. Using his wits and intricate knowledge of the farm, Jimmy must try to protect his siblings while fending off the woman he has always known and loved as his mother. Thus, it comes down to the most epic of battles, Mother vs. Son, in the most horrific of scenarios. "

Okay, so from that I kinda figured it was a cross between Home Alone and Halloween, and in a good non-sickening way, right?

I mean, it makes it sound like the mum tries at various points to kill her children, but her cunning son Jimmy is one step ahead of her? Right?


Fifteen minutes in... you're staring at a dead baby.

It's not hidden like most baby deaths in film, this baby is lying motionless on a bed as it dawns on the son Jimmy that his mum has just murdered his baby brother.

He confronts her, gets knocked out, wakes up to find her trying to drown his kid sister as she's "Evil", he stops her by hitting her with a hand mirror, and tells his younger brother to get on his bike and go get help.

Five minutes later, that same young brother is outside the house next to his bike, with his crazed mother telling him to get inside the house and his older brother shouting that she's sick and he has to get help... one minute later and that young boy is stabbed to death over the porch by his mother, as the girl looks on and wets herself.

I wanted to turn the film off at this point, but it was one of those instances where you were just too horrified to move.

So mum chases the other two kids through a field of corn, in a combine harvester of all things, before they loose her and end up in a barn. The young girl's leg isn't great so she can't climb onto the 2ND level with the brother and instead hides in the hay.

Three minutes on, she's been killed by her mother.

By the end of the film, she has killed her baby, her youngest son, her daughter, a pig, a dog, a few chickens and a stoned neighbour... but all is not lost as Jimmy manages to contact his dad via a radio (he's a truck driver) and blows the house up.

Cut to some random time later and the boy is in some kind of clinic, recovering from the vast injuries and psychological trauma he had gained from his run in with mum. Only for his dad to come in and tell him that his mum is pregnant (the boys, not the dads) and that the doctors have explained that none of it was the mum's fault as she was mentally ill, so he wants the mum to come and live with them again as she's pregnant with another one of his children.

So not only does this film have some of the sickest imagery I've ever seen in a movie, but it also has the most ridiculous ending I've seen in a film for a long time.

I mean, in this weird bizarro world, if you've killed your children, a man, and several animals, it's quite likely that if it was caused by a mental illness that you'll be released back into society as long as you've got some medication.

At that point, I shouted "Bull shit" at the television due to my complete disbelief at the stupidity of the ending.

So, a sick movie with a pathetic ending, the only saving grace is the acting of the children in it, but I wouldn't expect to see them in anything else soon as they will need to spend the next forty years in therapy.

Do not see this movie, it's horrendous and upsetting.