Wednesday, 26 November 2008

A&E : A True Story

The rain fell from on high (as oppose to from below?) and soaked me to the bone last night as I walked the 5 mile trek from work to home. However on my way home I receive a telephonic communication off of my long suffering lady friend Louise, it turns out that her new best friend, Milly the horse, had attacked her.

Louise had just had a lovely “hack” with Milly and two of her friends down the stable. She was putting Milly back into her stable, which Milly didn’t take kindly to. Louise stirred Milly’s food with her hand as she always does, and fed Milly a carrot to keep her happy, however… Milly either smelling the food of Louise’s hand or because she fancied trying a bit of “man flesh” bit onto Louise’s finger, and refused to let go.

Louise said that she had to coax Milly off of her finger by luring her with another carrot, and then wrapped her swollen finger up in gause… Louise’s swollen finger, not Milly, as Milly is a horse and doesn’t have fingers… I’ve not got time to go into Horse Biology with you, suffice to say they have hooves, and if you didn’t know this you should go back to school… now!!!

Anyhoo, on returning home I tell Louise that she should really go to the hospital as most Zombie Apocalypse scenarios happen when someone gets bitten by something, but she ignored my advice and instead decided to call up her mother and then the NHS direct to hear their opinions. I was slightly hurt by this, but got Louise back by urinating in the sink, she hates it when I do that.

After much deliberation we went down the A&E ward, which at rugby is now a walk in centre so any tom dick and/or harry can go in with a runny nose and get as much drugs as they like, for free!

On arriving, we were depressed to see a full waiting room, and a large electronic sign stating that there was a 2 hour and 15 minute wait to see a doctor. The 15 minute wait was obviously for the receptionists who were chatting to each other whilst Lou was waiting patiently in front of them. They only paid her attention when a doctor came in behind them, looked at Lou and asked if he could help.

After waiting for some time and playing my favourite hospital room waiting game of “guess their illness!” we were seen by Alan the Nurse.

My spider senses tingled as soon as we got into the examination room when he said “Oh he can stay if he likes” referring to me. He had either misheard Lou asking me to hold her bag, or was talking to the voices in his head.
Then the alarm bells rang.
Alan said “hmm… I’m not sure if you need a tetanus or not” so then he turned round, and went on GOOGLE. I wish I was joking.

Yes this man’s medical knowledge can be summed up in one word, “Crap”.

After exploring Google for a while, he concurred with the voices in his head that he needed to give Lou a jab. He joked on the way out “Now I get the pleasure of stabbing you, don’t go anywhere”

Which made me think two things, 1 – does this guy actually work for the hospital, if so is he the janitor or is he just some guy off the street or a mental ward escapee and 2 – did most people escape when he went out to get the syringe?

Lou turned to me when he left and suggested we left as she was scared that he would use the syringe like a dart. On returning he pretty much did use the syringe like a dart, after doing two circles and jabbing it into her arm… next lou started bleeding to which his medical response was to put a tissue on it. “Don’t worry” he said “You’re now covered against tetanus for life” and I’m sure I heard him mutter under his breath “but I think I’ve just given you aids”

From now on, if I need to goto A&E I’ll be going to Coventry…

Would I survive?

I've recently been playing a computer game called Left 4 dead, in which you team up with 3 other people "online" and try to survive a zombie apocalypse.

This got me thinking as to how I actually would fare in a zombie survival situation. I've seen most zombie films, being fairly interested in the fall of society and the dynamics of a group of people going against insurmountable odds to survive.

In theory, due to the books and films I have watched, and common sense that I bought off of ebay, I believe I would be able to survive for some time in a post-zombie ridden world. However on paper, my abilities aren't great. I've never shot a real life weapon, I can't drive anything, I'm not out of shape but if there were fast zombies they'd probably get me and to top it all off I'm a coward. I'm that guy in a zombie movie who locks himself in a room, and has to listen to all the other survivors die. That guy usually meets a sticky end, in a bad way.

So as I'm a curious george, I decided to invest a lot of time and money into creating a zombie virus to unleash on the small population of an Island I'm currently purchasing (thanks to google and Wikipedia!)

I do however need some fellow survivors, I kind of double up as the coward/comic relief guy, so I need a black guy, someone with a disability, several women, an ex-military guy or a cop.

E-mail me your CV if you are interested. Ciao for now.

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Half asleep review

I watched Scarface last night, a family film with some guy who was in some film with a horses head in it, I can't remember the details as I was asleep at the time.

I like films from the 80's, theres a certain grittiness to them. The best films came from the 80's, Blues Brothers, Labrynth, Back to the future, Carebears the movie...

Scarface told the story of loveable rogue Tony Montanna, a construction worker who moved to America because he didn't like the bloke who ran Cuba. Oh he came from Cuba by the way, he wasn't like living in Scotland and one day woke up thinking, "hey, I hate that Castro guy, I'm moving to America!"

So Tony goes to america but is put in a shanti village, where his friend tells him the only way out is by getting rid of a man in a white suit (I think it was the Man from DelMonte) so during a protest of some kind he punches the guy in the stomach, and the man from DelMonte falls on the floor, presumably because he's a whimp.

Anyway, Tony and his childhood friends have some zany adventures, and they end up working for a friendly jewish man called Frank. Tony falls in love with Frank's wife and tells his friend that he will woo her. Frank sends Tony and some other guy, I forget his name, to see Mr Sosa, who looks even MORE like the man from DelMonte, but they're not supposed to kill this one, where Tony and this other dude try to negotiate a deal for some white powder, I guess it was sugar. Sosa doesn't like the other guy with Tony and plays a practical joke on him, by putting a noose round his neck and throwing him out a helicopter.

They all have a good laugh about it later, except for the guy who was hanging by his neck from the helicopter, I guess he was too ashamed to come back, as he wasn't in the rest of the film. oh well.

So Tony starts getting more powerful, and starts snorting sugar which makes him really hyper, and Frank sends some people with paint guns to hit Tony, I guess they're all practical jokers, but Tony had brought his own paint gun and shot the guys in the legs. It was really fun, and Tony went to see Frank to repay the favour. Tony got one of his friends to shoot paint at Frank, and Frank played dead, just like you're supposed to in paint ball games.

Anyway, Tony gets together with Frank's wife/girlfriend person, and she starts snorting more sugar than Tony, and is really weird.

So anyway, they all live happily ever after I guess, except for that play fight they have at the end...

Disney have made some great films in their time, but this one was a little hard to follow. I enjoyed it though and the comical dance scene in the club was hillarious, as was the big paint ball game at the end. There were some strong language in it and a scene of nudity, but as Calvin and Hobbs say, "it was acceptable in the 80's" oh wait, that's the kid and the Tiger, Calvin Harris that's the dude that sang that song.

Now to go back to sleep

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Rant time

It's been a hectic few days, I managed to bust Professor Katz and Simba from where they were being held, after a car chase I finally lost the pursuers.

Professor Katz however had no idea who was stealing time. So I returned him to his asylum, kicking and screaming.

I wonder if I will ever know who is behind this dasterdly time theft that is occuring. My good friend The Baron, suggested that the Swiss may be behind it, but I never trust a man who changes his underpants more than once a week...

On another note, I see that another British staple of advertising has been raped by "The Man".

I refer to, Mr Muscle. When I was a kid, I remember killing my siamese twin over some stickle bricks, but I also remember seeing a lot of television. One of the adverts I enjoyed was the Mr Muscle adverts, as my parents joked that I was Mr Muscle, being scrawny and wearing striped boxer shorts. However unlike Mr Muscle I don't love the jobs you hate... I hate all jobs. Well not all, but I wont digress into a filthy tone.

"The Man" not content with the scrawny Mr Muscle, have now replaced him... with a superhero.
What are his super powers? Unblocking drains? He must have been at the back of the line when they were handing out the powers at superhero school, or off sick.

Seriously what the hell is going on? Has that Large Hadron Collider sent the world crazy? Is black now white? I've said it before, but no one likes change. So stop changing everything.

Keep everything exactly the same forever... and that's the premise behind Purgatory I guess or maybe hell. The same thing forever.

I actually had a dream the other day (at least I hope it was a dream) where I had travelled back in time and was living in the 50's, and after a few days I had to go back to the 00's, but I didn't want to as I enjoyed the simplicity of the 50's. A world without worry... but then I guess I hadn't been there long enough to be afraid of constant nuclear destruction at the hands of the soviets, but that wouldn't concern me as I would have come from the future and known that they don't nuke anyone, but then again, if I can travel back so can other less scrupiless people, and what would stop them from using their "future knowledge" to establish a base of power and rival my "future knowledge" causing the cold war to become hot and ending the world in a nuclear holocaust!!!

And that's why time travel is a bad idea, unless you like genocide... and by genocide I don't mean a song by The Offspring, or a Dr. Who novel of the same name. I mean the destruction of an entire race by the hand of another. So if that's you, invest in a time machine, if you're sane, dont invest in a time machine.

Until next time... (which wont be long with all this time being stolen from us!)

Any ideas on where time is going, drop me a line.

Monday, 3 November 2008

Stealing Time

So breaking Professor Katz out of a mental institute for the criminally insane is going to be harder than I thought.

The A-Team always made it seem easy when they broke Murdoch out of the crazy house, but in reality it's a lot harder than those pansy's make out. I call them pansy's as I know that one of them is dead and if they can't shoot for toffee... seriously, you offer them toffee, and they still can't shoot straight.

When I tried to break in the other night, they captured Simba. So now they're holding the little cat for questioning. I theorized with my other cat Professor Humperdink for some time and althought he suggested we leave Simba to his ultimate fate as "he knew the risks when you adopted him" I don't want to leave any man behind... or cat.

So over some jammy dodgers and tea, we devised a fool proof plan to spring not only Simba, but the disturbed Professor Katz at the same time. But first we needed some supplies, so we decided (as I know how to speak Tesconian) to goto tescos.

As I walked through the door I went white with anger... it's the 3rd of november today... so why... oh why... is there a christmas tree standing in the doorway!?!? Halloween hasn't be done a few days and already christmas is here, Satan must be spinning in his grave!!

Tonight, I spring the Prof Katz and Simba, if I'm not back in a few days... please find my body and get the key to my house and let Gerry Anderson out of the metallic box I trapped him in.