Thursday, 26 August 2010

GUYS!! 6 ways to Spice up your relationship

Do you think your better half is getting fed up with “your version of cleaning” or the fact you always want the football when she wants to watch "Help, my house is falling down"? Then try one,some or all of the following:
#1 – Take her out for a meal in the most expensive restaurant you can find, then tell her that you can’t afford it. Just make sure to bring some trainers for her to aid in your escape
#2- Fake your own death. We have all thought about it for tax reasons, but if you fake your own death, then turn up years later, your partner will be so glad to see your not dead that it’ll be like having a second honeymoon.
#3- This one is a bit tricky, but sell your house and buy another one without her knowing. Let the first time she is aware of the move, be when she comes home one day to find another family in the house. The look on her face will be priceless, and then you’ll get brownie points for using some initiative!
#4- Build a bomb shelter in your back garden, then create a false news broadcast announcing the end of the world. Wake your partner up at silly o'clock and present her with the news that the world is over and take her to the safety of your bomb shelter. She'll be impressed with your forethought and it'll also help you convince her to have children if she has been adverse to it before hand as you have to repopulate the planet.
#5- Kidnap her from her workplace. Leave her in a cold dark room for a few days, then turn up as yourself and rescue her from the clutches of these imaginary kidnappers. You'll be a hero!
#6 – Borrow money off of the mafia and don’t pay it back. If you don’t pay it back, the mafia tends to get a bit angry, and you and your partner will have to flee for your lives, bringing you closer together and giving you a lasting memory before they finally catch up with you and bury you alive.

Monday, 23 August 2010

I am [REC]2-less, hear me roar!

So my plans to have a [rec]athon were cut to ribbons when a series of unfortunate events befell me.

First off, I forgot my pin number. My brain drew a complete blank when I got to the cashpoint and after my 3rd failed attempt I had to call the bank and get it un-blocked. I tried again later and another 3 failed attempts blocked my card and I have to wait 5 days for a reminder, the bastards! I don't see why they couldn't tell me it over the phone, after going through more security than a Hogwarts vault to even speak to someone!

In the end though, my wife gave me her card and I went off to my local Asda, to find that they didn't have [REC]2 in store. So I traipsed over to Blockbuster... they too had no [REC]2. Unfortunately, I had exhausted my options as Rugby is THAT shit.

I was angry, angry that you could pick up the latest entry in the tired franchise that is saw, but you couldn't pick up a copy of a horror that truly tried something different... then I realised, thanks to a tweet, that it is not the 20th of August, but the 20th of September that [REC]2 is released... So, my bad.

However, my weekend wasn't all bad, I did see Blood Diamond, which is a fantastic film and I highly recommend it, also I saw Inception at the Imax, so await for the half arsed review. :)

Friday, 20 August 2010


For those of you who like horror films, I urge you to watch [REC], a Spanish horror film about a news reporter and her camera man stuck in an apartment building with a bunch of tenants who quickly become infected by a demonic virus. It's claustrophobic, scary and just a great film.

When I heard [REC]2 was coming out I was apprehensive at first, due to the quality and the nature of the ending from the first. However, I've heard nothing but good reviews for it, so I thought I'd go see it in the cinema on release. But as it's a Spanish film and has subtitles, it only got shown in remote locations in the country.

So I had to wait for the release of the DVD, and it is out today! Yay!

As the 2nd film is set 15 minutes after the first, I thought it'd be a good idea to watch them back to back, so tonight I will pick up the DVD on my way home and am having my evil brother and his friend over to peruse the visual horror.

Expect a half arsed review if I survive the night.

Thursday, 19 August 2010


I have a certain affection for bad movies.

Sometimes the bad movies are actually more fun to watch with a group of people than the good movies are. I don't know about you (as you could be anyone) but I tend to comment on the action that is unfolding in front of me.

This can be annoying as I tend to reveal my thoughts on the plot and 9 out of 10 times I'm right and probably spoil the movie for anyone who's not trying to work it out from the offset. I also tend to point out the plot holes and put words in the actors mouths.

Now when a group of people get together to watch a movie, people naturally talk. This can irritate even me if it's a good movie and people are talking over the important plot points. So I tend to like to watch bad movies with people, as that way, it doesn't matter if they talk over it, as the plot doesn't matter and you can spend the next hour and a half ripping the movie to shreds.

There's a certain culture growing for bad movies, and Syfy are the kings of making them. From the offset you know you'll be watching something pretty ridiculous yet genius at the same time. They were the guys behind Giant Shark vs Mega Octopus, and now they're bringing out the ultimate cheesy bad monster movie.


Half shark, half octopus! It's got Eric Roberts in it as a scientist who creates a creature with the front half of a shark and tentacles for it's back half. He's made it for the military and put a flashing mind control device on the sharktopus's noggin. However, the mind control device isn't as resilient as you'd like it to be and before you can say "Holy shit, it's a shark crossed with an octopus that seems to have be genetically engineered by the military for god knows what purpose and it's coming this way!" Sharkypus goes on a rampage.

[Somehow I doubt this guy's gun will do any damage.]

It looks terribly good. This is a movie that has to be seen to be believed, a bit like The Human Centipede. So, when it comes out, expect either an invitation from me to come watch it, or a half arsed review about it.

But before I watch an bad movie, I will be watching [REC]2 and Inception this weekend. Wahoo!

Ciao for Niao!

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Half Arsed Review : Predators

You're not technically a man, until you've seen Predator. That's not a lie, that's a fact. The first question a potential father-in-law should ask to his daughters chosen mate should be "Have you seen Predator". If the answer is no, that means his daughter is either a Lesbian, or this man has no balls.

It's not too late for all you guys who haven't seen it. So get onto Amazon, or wherever it is you kids do your shopping these days, and pick up a copy. Hell, even if you're a woman, you should see this film, as it's based on a true story about an invisible alien.

Predator is a seminal classic, which even on re-watching through rose tinted glasses, still holds up and doesn't have to rely on CGI to shoot it's adrenaline and machoistic thrills straight through your eyeballs and out of your scrotum!

I wouldn't say it to his face, because me and Arnie don't see eye to eye ever since that winter in Aspen, but Arnie was never an amazing actor. However in Predator, he does a grand job. He plays Dutch, a bad ass squad leader, and is believable in every second he's on the camera.

The dialogue in Predator is straight to as macho as you can get and amusing at points. One of my favourite lines is in this movie. One soldier is cut, his friend turns to him and says "Hey, you're bleeding"... the soldier, pulls out a grenade, blows up a machine gun nest and then quips "I ain't got time to bleed"

I want THAT put on my gravestone, not the whole quote, just that last bit "I ain't got time to bleed" because anyone walking through a graveyard, would think twice about pissing on that guys grave!

Anyway, the film is true 80's brilliance, check it out.

After the success of the first film, they decided to make a sequel, and some bright spark thought that it'd be a good idea to put the Predator in a different kind of jungle... a concrete jungle! He also thought that Danny Glover would kick ass like he did in the Lethal Weapon franchise!

He was wrong. Unlike Lethal Weapon 2 which rocks, Predator 2 sucks. This time it's about a cop whose after the alien crab-face, and it's just cheesy. Avoid this, like you would the 2nd and 3rd matrix films.

Next the Predators resurfaced in the Alien Vs Predator films, which I didn't think were terrible, but the Predators themselves weren't anywhere near as threatening as they were in the original movies they were borrowed from, or maybe that was because they were up against the truly terrifying Aliens? It'd be pretty hard for anyone to look bad-ass against the Aliens unless your name is Ellen Ripley.

Then I heard Predators was coming out, and that it was returning the dreadlocked deadlies to their natural habitat. The Jungle. Plus, it had Adrian Brody playing the titular role, which was an odd choice making me think, this film was trying something different yet staying true to the original films brilliance.

The film starts off with a bunch of random people falling into a jungle, mistrusting each other due to not knowing how they got there and all thinking that someone in their group knew more than they were telling. The fact that all these people were killers of some variety was obvious from the offset, and the play on the title that these people were predators of a kind was spoon fed to the audience which disappointed me.

The film started off great, even borrowing heavily from the music out of the original movie and a hint of the Alien soundtrack appeared at one point raising a fan boy smile from me, but when the CGI Preda-dogs turned up, my heart sank. They looked fake and really weren't needed.

The only interesting characters in the film was Adrian Brody's character "Royce" and the lady, who I can't be bothered to google to find out her name, so she shall be known as "the lady" from this point forth. The others were all stereotypes, you had Danny Trejo playing a Mexican enforcer, some Asian dude playing a yakuza, a Russian playing a thick Russian brute, Shane from The Shield playing a convict, a black dude playing a member of an African death squad and the guy who played Venom and ruined Spider Man 3 for everyone was playing a "Doctor"

You have to be pretty stupid when Royce is detailing that all of them are killers except for the doctor, not to guess that Venom is lying about who he really is. The pay-off for his character is disappointing to say the least.
Lawrence Fishburn turns up half way through as a deranged bastard, and his character's screen time is a bit cheesy but helps move the plot on. One thing he does say, makes no sense whatsoever. He explains that the predators come down to hunt, and if they lose they adapt their tactics and learn from their mistakes.

Which is bull shit. These Predators are using the same heat-vision that Arnie managed to dupe back in the jungle. Surely with all their technology they would have made a decent vision mode that couldn't be fooled by mud?

There were some cool moments, like the nod to the first predator film when someone talks about Arnie's character's encounter, Danny Trejo's final scene, the free fall at the start and the score as a whole was pretty good.

Anyway, apart from some gaping plot holes here and there and some predictable twists, the film isn't half bad. It's a lot better in my opinion to Predator 2, but still not quite using the Predator as well as he was in the first film. Maybe the obligatory Predators 2 which I'm sure will come out, will be able to learn from past mistakes?

We shall see...

Stoopid Studios DOT COM!

Well howdy doodee!

At long last Stoopid Studios has got a webpage... there's not much on it at the moment, but in the following months it will be home to all things Stoopid.

Please go check it out, or I'll be forced to shed my skin and hide in your attic. Nobody wants that to happen.

Ciao for Niao