Thursday, 17 September 2009

Bottle of Wine

I'm not a big drinker, ask any of my two friends and they'll tell you it only takes me two bottles of bud and then I'm on the floor. Superman has Kryptonite, my weakness is alcohol... and spiders... well most insects really... and the dark, I don't really like it... and confrontation, any kind of confrontation I hate...
I'd make a shit superhero.

Well, anyway, I had just finished a medicore meal that I'd lovingly poured out of a packet for my family, making a real effort after having drank a splendiforus amount of alcohol the night before and for once feeling a little rough the next day.
My brother brought over a bottle of ASDA wine, and it was very nice... better than the meal anyway! Now I don't know about you, but I like to read what I'm eating. I'm the type of guy who when consuming a packet of crisps, likes to read the packet. I guess really I should read the packet BEFORE I start eating, I mean imagine eating something and halfway through finding out that the main ingredient is 60% monkey sperm... suffice to say I never had double stuff oreos again...

I picked up the bottle of wine and had a closer inspection, the bottle read:

Fresh, fun and fruity. A dry white wine

Okay... when I tasted it, yeah it didn't taste stale and old, and I could deffinatly taste the fruityness... and yes it WAS a dry white wine... however, ASDA have told us that it tastes of FUN.

So let me get this straight... the heads at the wine plantations of ASDA (which is located 600 feet below sea level in an ASDA compound off the south of spain) have bottled FUN. They have stated that that particular wine tastes of fun. Okay, I'll say that if you have a bottle of this wine you may have fun, but you wont TASTE fun... How can you!? How the hell can you taste fun?

I then glance over and see a "(V) Suitable for vegitarians" symbol on the bottle. Now, am I right in thinking that wine is made from grapes and not cattle? I don't get this at all, unless the wine is being processed in a slaughter house, or unless the wine contains blood, then why wouldn't it be suitable for vegitarians? Next they'll be putting V signs on Evian!!

So now the last part of the bottle of wine that amused me.
If you are not 100% happy, we'll give you a new bottle.

Not, "If you are not 100% with this product." but "If you are not 100% happy". So I thought, am I 100% happy, no I'm not, I could do with some more money, or a better job and I'm not 100% happy about their claim to bottling the taste of "Fun". So going by the logic on the bottle, I would be entitled to free wine. And not just me, everyone. No one is ever 100% happy, unless they're high, drunk on ASDA wine or in the sack!

Anyway, next time you're eating or drinking something out of a packet/tin/bottle/corpse, read the packaging just in case.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Zombie Survival: Penultimation!

So here I am... still on the island and still in a perpetual nightmare. I had hoped that my worries would have dissapeared like that bout of crabs I had a few years back, but instead it's stayed like that bout of Herpes I got in Vietnam.

So yes, as you have probably realised, everything didn't got quite as planned as Polly and I ran full pelt from the camp of my zombie infected brother towards the saftey of a helicopter pickup from Alexis's government friends.

At present I am sitting at a computer screen with Roystons blood caked over my shirt, taking this opportunity to just let you know whats going on before we begin an assault on the laboratories that my brother has now taken over.

You see we did as Alexis had said, we ran to where the helicopter was supposed to pick us up, but instead we found Royston shaking his head as he told us there was no rescue copter, instead, Alexis had lied, once again. He wasn't a member of any covert operation at all, he was just a compulsive liar. So it was back to square one for the three of us.

We took a moment to catch our breath and then decided what to do next. My brother would no longer cause us much of an issue as he was sure to join the ranks of the un-dead, and as he shares the same DNA as me, and nothing really happened to me when I turned, we figured he'd just be a regular zombie along with Alexis. However, Milli was still out there somewhere and this Island was still infested with the un-dead.

We had to stop the Zombie Virus (tm) here and now, and I reminded them that there was a fail safe on the island, that the scientists had installed which was located in the laboratories on the eastern side of the Island, however I didn't know which direction was which. But this is where Polly's slighted un-hinged mind came in handy. He had done a lot of navigating whilst he was a cub (he never made it to scouts) and quickly found North and began to lead us eastward towards our goal.

Night came fast in the overgrowth and on several occasions we noticed a few zombies milling about, but no sign of our friend Milli. Wherever she was we hoped she was safe and sound, but my heart was telling me that she was probably dead or worse.

After a few hours, we came upon a town, and our luck was really in. This was the place where the laboratories were located. Royston had a quick scout ahead and came back to tell us that everything was ok. To do this he turned round and gave an ok signal with his right hand... seconds after he did this, his hand exploded and he fell to the ground in agony.

"Sniper!" Polly shouted and we both dragged Royston back into the bushes whilst we heard several more gun shots. We wondered who was shooting, but it didn't take us long to find out. A voice filled all of our minds, it was my brother.

"You will not be coming to this base my friends, for it is now mine. From here I can control all of my children and create more thanks to the tonnes of Zombie Virus (tm) that are located here. That bite from Alexis made me stronger, sure I'm not a looker anymore but I am a god!"

I heard the same speech every christmas from my brother and was slightly un-impressed with the Zombie Virus (tm)'s effect on me. If my brother was some psychic zombie master, why was I just a shambler? I thought, maybe I should try getting bit again, but then quickly thought against it. We looked around and Polly and I managed to drag Royston into a building on the edge of the town. That's where we are now, Polly has wrapped up Royston's arm nicely and the bleeding seems to have stopped, but he's unconcious. The building we're in is surrounded by zombies, thanks to my brother directing them our way, and we still have no idea where Milli is.

Tomorrow, we get out of here, and one way or another we'll finish my little experiment on the island. Dead or alive... or un-dead... or un-alive. You get the point.

Marvel Disney

Disney, the master powerhouse that it is, has bought Marvel Entertainment for the lousy fee of $4bn.
Am I the only person who is worried about the direction that Marvel may be forced to go in? Is this goodbye to the gritty comic story lines and hello to more kid friendly spiderman yarns?
Will we be seeing a crossover of Mickey Mouse proportions!? Imagine that, the fantastic four are about to face off against some alien menace, but they can't do it alone, he needs the help of Donald Duck...
Then again, a crossover the other way round would be interesting, imagine Duck Tales with Iron man helping them out? I always thought High School the Musical needed a symbiotic suit to take over the school! Now that, I would watch.
On other Marvel related news, they've decided to re-boot the fantastic four movies.

Apparantly they want something that is a little more Iron Man, making the F4 more gritty and perhaps making Dr. Doom less of a pussy. So the powers that be decided to hire the guys who wrote Batman & Robin to ma... wait... yes, that's right. They decided to make a less cheesy film, by hiring the guys who wrote the worst Batman film since The Joker submitted a script in the 60's.
Batman and Robin is a joke, they kill off Arnie's ailing career and make Bane into a pathetic Henchman. I mean, come on BANE!?!? This is the character that broke batman's back! But he's sidelined here and instead we get pure offle.
Please don't let them do the same to The Human Torch and The Thing. I actually enjoyed the F4 movies, except for Dr. Doom and Galactus. I mean sure they were light in subject matter and very bright in content, but not every superhero has to analyse there feelings all the time! Well let's hope they don't destroy anymore of the Marvel universe.

Keep your own damned music!!

I watched a trailer the other day for Daybreakers, a family friendly movie where vampires have taken over the earth thanks to a virus of some kind (aids?) and humans are in very short supply (kind of like I am Legend but with less butterflies) and Sam Neil has developed a synthetic blood formula to stop vampires turning feral. Obviously, something's not quite right or the movie ends there I guess, well it seems that the humans can turn vampires back into humans (through a bite maybe?) and they decide to turn Ethan Hawke into a regular human to help them survive. Now the film looks quite good, however... the music they use for the film is the SAW music.

Now come on. The SAW music is very reognisable after seeing five films with the same theme tune, so why have they pilfered it for this movie? That would be like Knight Rider stealing the A-Team theme tune, you'd be watching it thinking, oh this is cool, and then realise wait... this is not my beautiful wife, this is not my beautiful house, my god what have I done!?

One movie a lot of films pilfered from was The Hunt for Red October, which had a cracking sound track, and a lot of film makers thought so too, so decided that instead of getting someone to write a new soundtrack for their film, they'd use the one from Hunt for Red October.

It's obvious that Hollywood is running out of ideas, what with so many re-makes and franchise re-boots coming out at the moment in the near future and the fact that they're recycling old music from other films is proof of that too. I reckon we should forget the film reboots, and instead we should do a Hollywood reboot. Get rid of them all and replace them with other people, talented writers, musicians, actors and the like.
But who would you get to star in these new films... It would have to be a great actor, probably tall, gangly, not easy on the eye but not repulsive either... what me? Well I'm flattered, but I could never leave my low salary low enjoyment filled office job, sorry.
And that's why I hate my life :)