Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Happy Christmas

Well, I'm signing off for Christmas, I hope you have a good one and I'll be back after the new year! :D

Friday, 4 December 2009

Zombie Survival - Finale

Alexis and I hurried down the corridor towards where Royston had gone, shotguns in hand, ready to pump a few shells into some undead. It was still darker than an episode of the Moomins, but I felt we could take on anything we came across as now we were fully armed and so close to the end of our journey.

At the end of the corridor, we came across a large door. It had some writing on it, but it was too dark to see what the hell it said, so naturally we opened the door and went in. It was pitch black inside the room we'd just entered so I felt along the wall until I found a light switch.

I whinced at the bright light, but as soon as my eyes had become adjusted I saw where we were. The holding pens. This is where all the scientists had been experimenting on the islanders, and a large ammount of zombified subjects were now looking at us from the other side of their cages, moaning loudly with their arms poking out trying to grab onto us. I imagine that that is what it feels like to be a woman on a night out up town.

At the far end of the room was a large computer monitor and a doorway with a bar across it. Infront of the door was Royston lying face down. We hurried over to him and prodded him with our shotguns. He was out cold.

Alexis pulled out the blueprints for the facility from his coat pocket "That door leads to the roof, I wonder why it's been closed off?" Curisoty killed the cat, I reminded him as I saw to Royston... by seeing to him, I mean bringing him round... as in arousing him... from his slumber! As I did this, Alexis took the bar off the door, and Royston woke up and had just enough time to shout "NO!!" before the door opened outwards and the familar claws of Pope grabbed onto Alexis's head, twisted and pulled away.

His headless corpse floundered for a moment then hit the deck like a sailor in a storm. Royston and I rushed the door and put the bar back across. "I.. I fended her off, and locked her out there, but I slipped and banged my head as I couldn't see where I was going in the dark. But, I was speaking to Polly... he's on this monitor!"

Sure enough, after Royston had a bit of a fiddle... with the monitor... the familiar crazed face of Polly came up. "Ahh, you're back! I managed to summon a rescue! A helicopter is going to pick us up. It'll be here really soon! I also found this failsafe, I'm about to press it. I just hope those scientists who placed this failsafe system knew what they were doing"

They didn't.

Polly pressed the fail safe button! At last, all those undead monstrosities would be dead for sure... well not quite. You see the fail safe system that the scientists had put in place was useless. They'd hidden toxic gas cannisters all over the island, and when the fail safe button was pressed it released the gas... however, it didn't affect the un-dead as they don't breathe. Great! So now, not only did we have the regular undead, the irregular undead like Pope and my bro to deal with, but now we also had deadly gas all over the island. At least Alexis had killed Bray, that was one less thing in the encyclopedia of things to worry about.

Polly, confused by the lack of zombie death, looked up at the camera and shrugged, but in that split second he was looking at the camera, my brother had appeared from nowhere and bit into his neck. Blood splattered over the camera lens and then it went dead. Just like Polly.

Royston slammed his stump onto the wall in anger, and then immediatly regretted doing it. "What now!?" he asked, rubbing his stump. The only thing on my mind was escape, escape from this disaster of an experiment. What the hell had I been thinking!? This was worse than that time I tried being a politician for a week and ended up starting the conflict in Iran!

"It's over" I said "We just have to get out of here". Royston nodded, but then looked at me and slowly muttered "What about Milli?" I'd forgotten all about that scottish bundle of energy in the last few moments, but now that the toxic gas had been released, if she was still on the island, she would be dead for sure, or un-dead if the zombies had gotten to her. I shook my head in regret and Royston understood. With his good hand, he grabbed the blueprint for the facility from Alexis's headless corpse.

"Before Polly died he signalled a resuce, the helicopter should be here soon and will be picking us up from the roof, so if we go up these stairs, get to the choppa, we'll get the hell out of here and be home in time to watch X-Factor." Royston summarised. I shuddered at the thought, I didn't know what was worse, spending more time on an island with the shambling dead, or watching X-Factor.

I opened the door and had a look for Pope, she was nowhere to be seen thank god, so Royston and I ran for it up the stairs as fast as we could. At last the nightmare would be over... Sure enough, it wasn't as easy as I thought it'd be. It never is. There, standing on the heli-pad, in his best gloat stance, was my evil brother, Kristofus.

"Well done, well done. You've made it this far, and you've brought me some transport. I intend to take my virus to the mainland and make everyone into my children." For a gay man, he seemed to like the idea of being a dad quite a bit. Is that odd? I digress.

So there was me, Royston and Kristofus on the roof of the facility. He was now some kind of superzombie, but superzombie or no, surely he'd be no match for the shotgun I was wielding. I raised it up and just before I shot tried to come up with a witty line, the only thing that came to mind was "merry christmas"... I don't really get why, and it had no relevance to anything that I'd been through, and there's wont be another moment where I get to say a pithy one liner before firing a gun. That's my biggest regret so far.

I'd never fired a shotgun, and it was obvious when I shot, as I flew backwards and landed on the floor. I scrambled to my feet to see that Kristofus was un-harmed and now Royston was un-armed... by that I mean, I'd taken off his arm with the shotgun blast.
"You stupid C**T!" he screamed, as I tried to reload. But my brother wasn't having any of it.

Using what I presume was his mind powers, he lifted me in the air and started choking me Darth Vader style. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, and was depressed to see that 70% of it was spent watching tv or playing computer games, but it did remind me of some old tv shows that I'd not seen in a while which I thought that I must really pick up on DVD.

I was about to die, when I noticed Royston pick himself up, and run full pelt at my brother, he made contact and they both went over the edge of the building and I was released from my brothers grasp.

My whole body ached (for the 25th time that week) as I stood up and walked over to the edge of the roof. Peering down I saw Kristofus and Royston impaled on a flag pole... both of them dead. I went back for my shotgun, reloaded and kept an eye out for Pope, or any other un-dead that would be after my saved bacon. In a matter of minutes I heard the helicopter, and I also saw the islanders. Running from all directions towards my location.

I heard them coming up the stairs, and unloaded a few shells into the crowd. The helicopter landed and I heard a familar voice "Addy, get in!!"

It was Milli. How the hell had she done it? The scottish power house had managed to get a helicopter!?!? I ran for it and clambered inside the helicopter... but not before another familar face got on board... It was Polly. I was kind of happy to see that like me Polly hadn't taken on any special abilities when he'd turned undead.

"Hold on to something" Milli shouted as she lifted the helicopter off the ground and tilted it, so both Polly and I started sliding out the side. I managed to grab on at the last second and Polly went falling to the ground with a confused look on his face. "Sorry about that, had to get rid of the dead weight." I was slightly annoyed at her quip, but buckled myself in the co-pilot chair.

I asked Milli what had happened, how she had managed to get a helicopter. She explained to me "Well, I had managed to get off the island in a boat, but out of nowhere a missile came and blew it up, I managed to get off in time. So there I was in the ocean, and I'm not very good at swimming, being scottish and all... well anyway, a helicopter came over as they'd tracked the missile launch and wanted to investigate. They found me, and took me back to the mainland, which isn't that far away. Well when I got back I told them about what was on the island, and they laughed at me. I decided I had to get proof, so stole a helicopter and a camera and was coming back to take pictures when I got Polly's message. Oh and I'm not very happy with you you big gay blade! You're going to have to explain to everyone what happened on this island, and that you were responsible for it all! You're going to hell you know that right?"

She was right, I didn't feel like I deserved to get off that Island in one piece. I turned to Milli and asked "what now?" she opened her mouth to say something, when she was ripped out of the cockpit by zombie Pope. I grabbed onto Milli's feet, but Pope was too strong, Milli was took off by Pope and left me holding onto Milli's shoes, and with a helicopter to pilot.

So I'm going down... in the helicopter. I don't know how to pilot it and I'm going to die. Maybe this is for the best, I just hope someone gets this message so that they can blow the shit out of that island. I was so stupid to mess with the forces of evil, and subject my friends to abject horror. It seems years ago since I first got to this Island with my friends, and one thing I want you to all know is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've done and I hope that

[Transmission Lost]

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Merry Christmas Everyone

The funniest, and also most frightening music video for Christmas is Shakin Steven's "Merry Christmas Everyone"

Every year, I pray that I'll get to see this messed up music video. I love the song, but the video is just plane creepy. I'll put a link down the bottom so you can check it out on YouTube to see if it's just my warped brain that finds this so disturbing.

Okay, so it starts out ok, a nice shot of Lapland? Then you see Mr. Shakin, and he's all cosy in his little red scarf. After attacking a Christmas tree, he then gets onto a sleigh pulled by a mentally disabled elf who takes him to meet "Santa". Or at least a man who claims to be Santa.

This is where it really begins to go downhill, for as soon as Mr. Shakin's arms are in shot, they begin to show they have signs of life, and he points to a reef across the door when he talks about kissing under mistletoe... The guy dressed as Santa seems to enjoy that idea.

Now Mr. Shakin has infiltrated Santa's workshop, and his lower arms begin to move separately from the rest of his body. This is how I'd imagine a T-Rex would dance.
Next is the first of several uncomfortable moments, as he puts his arms on a kids shoulders and holds on to him as he sings about how he wishes every day was Christmas, then looks into the camera and says how "what a nice time to spend the year". Am I the only person who is now thinking that Mr. Shakin is dodgy??

Next we're treated to a montage. A kid with "Santa", several ugly children hitting things with tiny hammers or laughing, shots of animatronic elves with soulless eyes watching the proceedings and then we see a conveyor belt with the worst toys ever made. If any kid received one of those presents on Christmas, I think they would have killed their parents in their sleep.

Anyway, onto the next disturbing shot, as we see Mr. Shakin standing next to a Christmas tree with a little girl sitting uncomfortably in front of the tree with a poorly wrapped present in her hands. Mr. Shakin proceeds with his dinosaur dancing impression, points at the girl and kisses her just before it cuts. Now I've watched this video several times, and you NEVER SEE THAT GIRL EVER AGAIN! In fact, you never see the first kid he was with again either... hmm...

Next it goes to some children having a snowball fight, having a good time... but you know it's not going to last for two reasons. The first reason being that the snowman they're playing around is blatantly a person in costume, so there are even more sinister undertones as to why someone has dressed up and is watching the children without them being any the wiser. The second reason being, that the Peado sledge arrives over the ridge, bringing with it "Santa" and Mr. Shakin.

Mr. Shakin soon joins in with the frivolity throwing his balls at the children... snowballs I'm talking about. Sensing that their is another sexual predator about he hits the snowman with a snowball, and the snowman chases him as best as he can in a large snowman suit whilst "Santa" keeps a lookout for the police or the children's parents.

Mr. Shakin falls over, on purpose of course, and one kid gets a shot in. Then he's knocked over by the Snowman, before we see him escaping downhill... probably to get the police.

"Santa" and Mr. Shakin are next seen at nightfall, looking pretty pleased with themselves, and obviously on the look out for more children. At this point, I'm thinking that Mr. Shakin is actually scarier than the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang. We then see the pair inside "Santa's" house, where Santa has a child on each knee and uses some dodgy hand movements which makes me think he's talking about the size of his cock, Mr. Shakin looks on with one hand in his pocket as he ruts back and forth like he's in mothercare. {Shudder}
However everything ends well. The children have organised themselves into a mob, complete with flaming sticks! And make sure that Mr. Shakin is extradited, where as "Santa" and the snowman will no doubt face criminal charges and some serious prison time there in Lapland. We last see him as he's being taken away by the mentally handicapped chief of police elf woman and it fades to black.

IS it just me? You decide.