Friday, 26 June 2009

Zombie Survival - delayed

Sorry guys, due to some really shit unforseen circumstances I couldn't get the next part up today, I've got my stag weekend this weekend, so will be in no state to do it this weekend, but I will have it up before I die, don't worry.

Thursday, 25 June 2009

Transformers 2 : Revenge of the fallen

Being a fan of 80's cartoons, I have been looking forward to the new Transformers movie for some time, with the original being a great movie in my opinion albeit hard to follow the action from time to time as the Robot's kinda blended together in battle.

So, after the 300 car adverts before the movie, we finally got to the main feature, Polly questioned why all the films nowerdays had to be "revenge" of something or other, I told him that "Revenge of the fallen" makes a much cooler sounding title then "Tea Party of the fallen".

Although, that would be one movie I'd like to go see.

Now I warn you, here be spoilers! So if you want to see the movie spoiler free, please don't read on. Go away now.

Now she's gone, we can continue. I enjoyed the "mythos" they created in the first Transformers movie, with the Decepticons searching for Megatron as he was made out to be the big bad, however, forget that, now it seems that Megatron is just Darth Vader, and that the titular Fallen is Emperor Palpetine, even so much as calling Megatron his "disciple".

This isn't the only thing I found similar to Star Wars unfortunatley, as they introduced some new Transformers this time, with 2 in particular that I have dubbed "Car Car Binks" for being the most annoying, screen wasting, racist, offensive hunks of junk to ever grace the screen. The two Robots that start off as being an Ice-Cream truck, were supposed to be comic relief, and at some points they had their moments, however by the time the movie was in it's 3rd act, I was praying that something would kill them.

So in the first movie it was all about the All-Spark, the cube that created more transformers... well Decepticons for some reason, why Optimus Prime and the other Autobots are good if they were created from the All-Spark is a question left un-answered, unless I missed it in the first one. So the whole point for Megatron to be on Earth was the All-Spark right? Well, in this movie, they tell us, no. No he wasn't actually looking for the All Spark, he was looking for the Matrix which he could have easily found in his local HMV.

The Matrix, is a device that converts our sun into Energon (the lifeblood of the Transformers as Vinnie Jones points out to us at one point) and according to the new "mythos" The Fallen wants to turn this badboy on so that he can keep his race going. Now The Fallen, his name is in the title of the film, and Megatron and all the Decepticons are his bitch, so you're expecting him to be one mean mutha-fucker. Not so.

The Fallen, AKA The Pussy, is only really in the film for 4 scenes. He's introduced saying that only a Prime can kill him so he waits out the first part of the movie till Optimus Prime is dead (which we'll come to in a minute) then he's next seen climbing up a sinking Aircraft Carrier, then we don't see him for ages till he teleports out of nowhere and steals the Matrix and activates the sun eater thingy. And when he does finally get into combat, Optimus Prime not only kicks his ass, but he pretty much tea-bags the baffoon. So this guy is the main villain? Optimus Prime would have had more challenge fighting a parapalegic minature horse!!!

So, Opti dies. I predicted that as soon as the movie was announced, and the scene in which he dies is great. It's filmed really well and the action is brutal, and when he dies it's a great moment and mirrors the cartoon somewhat. But instead of passing the title of Prime onto someone else (probably because Bumblebee Prime sounds shit) the rest of the movie is dedicated to Sam trying to resurrect the big guy.

One point, I was in tears of laughter, but not due to anything the film meant to do. At one point, the American's are cut off in Egypt, and being attacked by shit loads of Decepticons. It looks like there's no hope for the hardened marines... until someone shouts out "Look, it's the Jordanian Army!!" then the action cuts to see 2 helicopters coming in, which last for ten seconds before being blown up. Seriously, THAT was the Jordanian army? Two fucking helicopters? I don't even remember them getting hit, I just think they blew up. Then when one of the helicopters is on the ground all smashed to shit, the crew get out A-team style, none of them are hurt, but to add insult to injury, the Sector 7 guy asks one of them "Do you have a radio?" to which the pilot looks at him gone out. As if he's never heard of a radio before and the Jordanian military are using tin cans and string to communicate.

One thing this movie EXCELLED at was the relationship between Starscream and Megatron. Starscream was always a snivelling bastard in the cartoon, wanting to rule the decepticons, or just save his own skin depending, and the moments with Megatron and Starscream really shone out.

I will say, although it does drag a bit in the 3rd act, it's a decent action movie, with a lot of adult language in it, which suprised me due to the appeal the movie will have to kids (children not goats). The Robots were clearly defined this time, meaning it was easier to follow them in the action scenes, the comic moments were plentiful (even when not meant to be) and apart from Car Car Binks, all the robots were great. I'd recommend this is you liked the first, Bay does tend to explode anything and everything he can but for the most part it works, just be prepared for a long movie and a weak ass villain.

Monday, 22 June 2009

Zombie Survival... cont...

I awoke the next morning, with a stiff neck and had that great feeling of thinking everything was a dream, until I rolled over and saw Polly staring at me.

"I couldn't sleep" he told me as he stared at me with his hollow mad eyes, then he asked me what the plan was? I've never been a person to plan ANYTHING in advance, be that my weekly finances or a random story that I make up out of knowhere involving my friends and zombies for instance, so his guess at what our next step at that point was was as good as mine. We had intended to destroy all the zombies, but now we were faced with the task of escaping from my lunatic brother.
My priority however was Royston. I needed to make sure Royston was alright, as apart from me, he was the only "sane" person on the island as Polly was on a whole other level and Milli doesn't count as she's scottish.

As I was about to leave the tent, I was suprised by Alexis who leapt in. "Quick, there isn't much time." he said in a chinese accent "My name isn't really Alexis, it's Brad and I work for the American Government, I helped your friend Roy escape last night by playing pre-recorded Rape noises that the CIA has on file for these kind of situations" He took off our restraints and we left the tent, standing in the middle of the camp, he continued "Royston's waiting for you at a cave 20 minutes south of here. There you will get picked up by an extraction helicopter but first we need to..."
Kristofus, who had never really trusted Alexis had been listening in on the whole thing and a gunshot to the chest silenced Alexis, who's lifeless body slumped infront of Polly and myself. Looking up we saw the triumphant look of Kristofus's face. "I never did trust that guy, but that's what you get by advertising for help in the Friday Ad, do you know how many people said they'd work for me, but first I needed to send an advancement of their wages to Nigeria!? I mean, Nigeria? Do they even HAVE Friday Ad in Nigeria? I wasn't even aware they had computers, or running water, or a basic consept of the english language!"
He then moved over Alexis's corpse whilst keeping his gun trained on Polly and myself, more on Polly as my brother knows how much of a coward I am, and that I wouldn't try and jump him after what happened at Aunt Flora's Wedding Anniversary. "Well gentlemen, now I have Braymachine and Pope locked up, I shouldn't have any other uber-zombies to fight, which means it should be a quick jaunt to the laboratories where I can find the formula for the Zombie Virus (tm) and create my own perfect world with... Nooooooooo!"
The villains are always so busy gloating that they never realise the hero of the piece is managing to escape his bonds or reverse his fortune somehow. For example, in this case; Kristofus was soooo busy waffling on, that he didn't notice that Alexis's corpse had come back to life, he was only aware of this when it had bitten his leg.
Kristofus crushed Alexis's head under his boot, exclaiming "That LYING bastard!! He said that Pope hadn't bit him, why did I ever trust that..." I'm not sure what else he had said, as by that point I was out of ear shot, as both Polly and myself were running full pelt away from that lunatic. Bullets zoomed in our general direction, but I guess being bit by a zombie and realising you'll soon be un-dead, makes you a lousy shot.
It was apparant that Kristofus's plans wouldn't come to fruition now that he was going to turn into a zombie himself, so my thoughts went from worrying about my evil brother taking over the world with a zombie virus (tm) that I had created, to the CIA helicopter that would pick us up when we met Royston in 20 minutes.
Granted, I had no idea where Milli was, but to be fair, I'd been shot at, chased after, bitten and turned into a zombie, before coming back to some form of sembilence so my priorities were strictly on getting my white ass out of there. Thank god Alexis or Brad or whatever his name was, had arranged some kind of extraction off of this god forsaken (albeit my own doing) island!!
As we ran through the dense jungle my thoughts turned to everything that had happened whislt we had been here, and what I had done to my friends out of curiosity. I am going to hell, surely.

Friday, 19 June 2009

Zombie Re-Cap

First Post In June!!!

Sorry, I have been MEGA busy...

A lot of you have probably forgotten where we left off, so let me recap…

I took Polly, Royston, Braymachine, Milli and Pope to my legally purchased Island, under the pretence of a holiday, however what they didn’t know what that I had scientists develop a zombie virus™ and infect the local populace. Pope, Braymachine and even me, got bitten and turned into a zombie, however unlike the others, I managed to turn myself back thanks to a handy cure that the scientists had hidden for me.

The virus had a strange effect on Pope, she turned into a winged zombie pterodactyl kind of thing, and Braymachine turned into a hulking tank of a zombie. Polly went fruit bat crazy and has been living off the fruits of the jungle, slowly going mad, Milli hasn’t been much good because she’s Scottish and last time we saw her she was running away from some zombie hippos, and Royston, well Royston’s been a lucky bastard so far, managing to out run the zombies and keep his healthy complexion.

However my evil brother, Kristofus, has come to the island along with Alexis his right hand manservant. They managed to capture us AND Zombie Pope and Zombie Braymachine. Polly and I were put in a tent, whilst Alexis took Roy into what Polly and I deemed as the “rape tent” due to the grunting noises that could be heard all night.
It seems my brother is intending to use the zombie virus™ to kill off 99% of the world's population and re-populate it with his "children", as he is gay, I don't know quite how he's going to achieve the "children" without some serious science coming into play... I'm not going to let him realise his grand plan and have seen the errors of my ways as I realise it was probably a bad idea to unleash a zombie virus™ on my unsuspecting friends. Hindsight is a marvellous thing…

So what happened next?... Stay tuned, I promise it wont be long to wait, and there will be a new story arc with some familiar faces and of course my usual randomness. Time permitting of course.