Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Zombie Survival : Day 11

Never underestimate somebody, that's what I've learnt today. You see I actually underestimated how evil my brother was.

We had managed to find him and his team by following a trail of dead un-dead bodies... does that make sense? I mean is that gramatically correct? What do you call a dead zombie, I mean, that's what a zombie is right it's dead, so how do you refer to something that is dead once it is dead? Do you call it un-un-dead? Ex-un-dead? Re-Dead? Deader than Dead? I must consult Professor Katz at his university for further clarification on this subject...

Well, after following the trail, we found my brother had camped up. By camped up I don't mean that he was wearing pink with his hand on his hips saying "oooh matron", I mean that it was nightfall by the time we found him and him and his team had all erected themselves... a shelter.

There were three large tents and two cages, one with a very angry Un-Dead Braymachine in it and another smaller cage with a winged Pope, with her own little perch. So it seemed my brother and his team had captured our zombie friends, but what was he intending to do with them? Sell them on e-bay like a plot from an amateur improvised film? Hmm... I wasn't sure, but we all wanted to find out.

Polly then suggested that we free the zombies, they'd attack the camp. Royston reminded Polly that this wasn't Jurassic Park 2 and he wasn't Vince Vaughn. So we asked Royston what he thought we should do, his plan sounded good, we'd sneak up to the camp and suprise them. This would have been a good idea, if we hadn't already been spotted.

In true movie style fashion we heard a click behind us, turning round we saw a familar face, holding a gun. It was Alexis, a guy who used to be a good mate, till we found out that he'd been lying about everything, he was actually a spy, working for governments unknown, attempting to learn all of our secrets, and more importantly, the location of Kefeklehania (my home island, whose location is a mystery to anyone who hasn't been there)

"G'day mates" he said in a really bad australian accent, he had an AK-47 in his hands, and had his sight trained on us. He marched us towards the camp in single file, and then knocked Royston out with the butt of his gun, and dragged him into his tent, whilst still keeping his aim on us.
"Oi Oi, I found the others!" he shouted out in an unconvincing cockney accent.

The largest tent opened and my brother came out... ok he's already come out, I mean he came out of the tent. He was wearing a long leather coat, and full battle regalia. He looked like a cross between a roman legionairre and a nazi officer. "Aah... if it isn't my brother, and his little friend Pollyanna, I am so glad you could join us, where are ze other ones?" he asked Alexis.

Alexis spoke in a fake french accent "I only found these two." Polly and I looked at each other, why had Alexis lied to his boss about this? Why Royston? My brother returned to his train of thought "Well, that's a shame. I'm sure they'll show up sooner or later. I have to say, I'm rather impressed at the Zombie Virus (tm) Adamski. It's very potent."

I asked him "What are you doing here?" to which he laughed and replied "I am here for the zombies, with the Zombie Virus (tm) I will be able to destroy all but a few selected individuals from the worlds population and then after the zombies have starved to death I and my children will be able to enter a new world, which I shall control! Why? You didn't think I was just going to sell it on E-Bay did you? Well not since they're cracking down on postage charges anyway, don't they understand that's how you make money on that site?"

His e-bay arguments aside, my brother was obviously a nutter, but in true Bond Villain style we were now his "guests" he got Alexis to slap cuffs on us, and then we were lead into a tent and tied up for good measure. That's why this update has taken me so long to write, I've been using my elbow to write it.

So it's just me and Polly, tied up in a tent, waiting for morning to bring us another day of randomness and confusion. I can't sleep as I keep hearing strange grunting sounds coming from Alexis's tent... I hate to think what is happening to Royston.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Terrorism - The Cold War

Some of you may or may not have noticed, but it's been snowing recently.

Who'd have thunk it that a bit of snow could cause our country as a whole to grind to a halt? Well, I've heard from a reliable source, whose name I can't mention for security reasons (thanks by the way David Shrope for the info) that the snow wasn't an accident. That MI5 new it was on it's way, and they did nothing to prevent it!!!

It wasn't normal snow, it was a form of Nature-Terrorism. For years we've been after terrorists, people who blow us up because they disagree with what flavour cheese is the best in a ploughmans sandwhich (Cheddar by the way) but we've been neglecting the world's oldest terrorist... no not Helen Daniels from neighbours, she died eventually... someday I may tell you HOW I killed her... I mean, how she died of a natural, non-sword fight over a volcano related, death...

I refer to nature, the ol' bitch has been killing millions with her earthquakes, tornados, volcanoes, hail storms, tsunamis and blizzards of mass destruction.
I was summoned by the rugby burough council (due to my close ties with the military and due to the fact my mum works there) to discuss options to combat the terrorism. I concluded that Nature has gotten away with enough over these years, and it's time to strike back, so I showed them my plan to destroy nature, which involves burrowing a hole to the centre of the earth (where everybody knows that Nature and communism live) and launching a few nuke's at the heart of our planet...

The "scientists" said that that would be a very bad idea, and tried to get me out of the proceedings, but before they could, I was able to open up my powerpoint presentation, which thanks to the comical stick figure clipart guys, was able to convince everyone in the room that sending nuclear missiles to the centre of the Earth was the only logical option.

Operation : Death to us all begins in a few weeks.

Monday, 2 February 2009

Zombie Survival : Day Ten

Lesson one, of how to survive on a zombie infested Island… know thy enemy!

And our enemy was now in the form of my evil brother, Kristofus, however as for the rest of his team, we had no idea. So we set out to discover who was aiding my brother.

Royston informed us that after spending a week off work ill, with a sprained scrotum, he watched a lot of survival programs, and from those programs he learnt how to track, he theorized that he’d be able to track them down using this ability on one condition.
He wanted Polly to put some clothes on. Polly regretfully agreed and went to find some clothes.

Royston and I left my cell and he showed me that we were hauled up in a little bamboo house in the middle of some dense Jungle. This island, although completely un-in-habitable due to zombie infestation, really is the most beautiful place on earth. There was the beautiful trees, the beautiful sky, the beautiful stream trickling by my feet, which was surprisingly warm and yellow… I looked up to see Polly pissing a few feet away.

After Polly and I shook off his piss from our respective areas, he put on a pair of dungarees he’d taken off a zombie. We followed Royston through the trees for a few hours before he picked up “the scent”. He told us that they were close, he could smell “city folk” as he put it.

So we three knelt down and moved through some tall grass, until we came out into a swamp. There was a large rock in the centre of a large pool of swampy water, and ontop of that rock… Milli!!!

She was fast asleep by the looks of it… well asleep or dead. Polly had a “bad feeling about this” but with our friend feet away, we thought we should get to her asap. Royston volunteered me to go first, as I was the “biggest bastard on the planet” and it was my fault we were all in danger.

I stepped into the swamp and plunged a few feet down, the murky water was deep, and there could have been anything in there I thought. I swam over to Milli’s still body and when I got to the rock I prodded her. Milli whispered something to me, but I didn’t catch what she said… so I asked her to speak up. She then turned slightly so I could see her face and whispered “Cecil”. I replied “No, I’m Ad..” and then before someone could say “It’s a trap” in true Admiral Akbar fashion, four enormous hippopotamus’ emerged from the swamp.

Then I realised she’d said “Stay still” not “Cecil”, these weren’t normal hippos, they’d caught the Zombie Virus ™ hopefully due to pollution, experiments or a bite (I’d hate to think that it was due to bestiality) I suddenly realised that Milli and I were mere marbles to these hungry hungry hippos, and I knew what happened to marbles in that game (my cats run off with them!) Before I could act, Royston made a daring rescue attempt, he started yelling at the hippos, trying to grab their attention… instead he drew the attention of a passing bear! A non-zombified one, but still a bear, and he wasn’t after a picnic basket like Yogi or BooBoo, he was after some human shaped carcasses in the form of Polly and Royston! The last time I saw them they were running for their lives.

Leaving Milli and I to deal with the four hippos… luckily for me, Milli was the Scottish Hippo Wrestling Champion for four years in a row, I’d not realised this having never visited her new (old now) house. She held off one of the beasts, whilst I helped out by… running as fast as I can away from the hungry hungry hippos.

After fifteen minutes of hefty escape through the swamp, I felt a bit guilty at my constant cowardice. But could I really have done anything other than run away? They were frigging hippos for Christ sake!!!

Lesson two, of how to survive on a zombie infested Island… know thy surroundings!

I found this one out the hard way, as the swamp gave way to a large cliff, which I fell down… I was sure I was done for, but luckily I landed on something furry which broke my fall… it was the very same bear that Royston and Polly had been fleeing from, I’d in-avertedly saved their lives!! I made out I did it on purpose of course, but when Royston asked where Milli was I lied and said that she’d gotten away, but we got split up…

It wouldn’t be till the next day before we reached where Kristofus was, and when we things began to get really interesting…