Monday, 20 April 2009

Resident Evil : Avon Calling

Whilst inbetween watching Rush Hour on channel 5 the other night, I had the delight of seeing a few adverts. As you are probably aware, I loathe television adverts and each time I see one that makes me want to suck my soul out from my loins, I loose a little bit of faith that there is a god. But now and again an advert hits a chord, or something has to be said/done about the advert in question. This brings me to the following:

Avon is a company that has been going for years and years and years. I know a couple of people who are actually Avon reps, and I've always seen it as a harmless money grabbing scheme. I've never seen them represented through TV advertisements though, so straight away my attention was grabbed like a schoolboy on holiday.

But before I continue with Avon, I need to let you know about another company... Umbrella.

The Umbrella Corporation, until recently in Resident Evil mythology, was a company that made various different things, from make-up to bio-weapons that created zombies!

N0w, Umbrella was closed down by the american government after a breakout of the T-Virus in "Racoon City" and I assumed the nightmare would have ended there. However, it seems that like when Woolworths went into Administration and started selling stuff off, so did Umbrella.

It seems that Avon, not content with slowly draining the money from housewives limp hands, have decided to step up their quest for global consumer domination and have bought from Umbrella, vast ammounts of biological weaponry that they intend on distributing to the general populace!

Is it just me or do the two products look pretty much identical? Next time you see an Avon rep, get out your handgun and aim for the head.

Left: Avon, Right: T-Virus

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

The begining of the end

My faithful blind, deaf, dumb and parapalegic manservant Manfred, who I bought off of an old chinese couple on my latest trip to Afghanistan, came up to me this morning with a newspaper.

I was shocked at first that he had managed to get out of the cage I keep him in, but my eyes were drawn to the attention of the newspaper in question. I read the paper and was shocked at the state of the world in general, and decided there and then that something had to change before things could get better. I thanked Manfred for this inspiration in the only way he understood, by beating him round the head with the newspaper.

So, I am intending to take over the world... sorry, I mean "unite" the world, under my leadership I believe that the world will be a better place, where children can run in the streets without fearing obesity, where the only kind of reality tv would be documentaries on how great the current world leader is and a world where Starburst is called Opal Fruits like they're meant to be.

But I can't do it alone, that's why I will be seeking out help in the form of my friends and close relatives in hopes that they can aid me... and if they can't, then I'll have to kil... reason with them... right, off I go to formulate a plan.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Cadbury's World - yum

If you were to look up on google "worlds worst ride" the top hit you would get would be a youtube video, for a pirate themed ride (I think it's a drayton manor one but I'm probably wrong as always) however, I would say that the worlds worst ride is in bournville.
I'm not talking about Mrs. Crockett, from number 42, although she's not great, she's still a better ride than any of the Alton Towers abortions that they've hidden away in Cadbury's world.
Firstly, let me tell you how dissapointed I was when I went to Cadbury's world in Bournville. I'm sure I'm not the only person who ever watched/read Charlie and the chocolate factory, and was suprised to find the reality of the Chocolate tour to be utterly boring.
It starts off ok, you're handed a few chocolates in a clear plastic bag and sent off into an aztec themed area that I think they stole off of the set of The Crystal Maze, either that or Ed Tudor Pole sold it to them for "crack" money after it went tits up.
But after reading a couple of plaques you realise that there will be chocolate river, there will be no special testing room, and no umpa-lumpas... my heart jumped at one point when I saw one, but it turned out that infact it wasn't an umpa-lumpa, the person in question happened to be mentally handicapped. Gutted. You realise, this isn't a fun fact finding mission to Alderan, it's a musem tour.
This is cemented when you go into one of the "attractions" of the tour which is where you're sat down in a kind of theatre, and have to listen to the waffling on of the Cadbury brothers who set up the business... I don't think it's actually the real cadbury brothers, but just some recorded actors portraying them.
Now and again the seats kinda move, probably trying to keep the kids from falling asleep, or to stop people falling into some kind of coma. At one point I saw a kid from a school try and make a break for it, but the doors were locked from the outside. It wasn't until I'd been to Cadbury's World, till I truly knew what it must have felt like to be in a concentration camp at shower time. I was about to use the plastic bag that the chocolate came in, to put my loved ones out of their misery, when the doors opened. I was so relieved when the doors opened and we were let out, that I'm sure a little bit of wee came out.
So then after walking through a different "zone" and going up what seem like eight flight of stairs, you get to the CADABRA ride. A ride that I believe is the worst ride ever made. It's like what I imagine Purgatory to be like.

You are sealed into a car with another victim, and then the ride begins. A music track that sounds like something Disney shat out, then beat to death due to it being evil, is played aloud whilst the bean car you are in is dragged along a rail round a "magical" cadbury's fairytale land. You get to see all your (favourite?) cadbury's characters like the downsyndromed cadbury's mini egg parrot and the STD ridden Caramel Rabbit.
The thing that baffels me the most, is they take your picture on the way round. Why? So they can see how bored you are? I have the unfortunate confession to make that I've been to Cadbury's world several times through circumstances beyond my control, and everytime I go on this ride to see if they've made it bearable... and no they haven't. But whenever I go on the ride I wait for the picture to be taken and try to look either overly excited, scared shitless or asleep.

This man refused to go on the ride, so they broke his legs!

THAT my friends is the worlds worst ride.

Cadbury's world in general is boring, tiring and dissapointing. Plus, at the start they make it look interesting with themed areas (Aztec, Victorian era ) but before you realise you're walking down white corridors that seem to be made out of some kind of paint that has a chemical property designed to suck the fun out of anything. I wanted to test the paint so I held up a copy of a joke book I had on me, and it turned it into the daily mail! The front end of cadbury's world looks great, but before you know it you're walking down sterile corridors and watching tv, it's like being in hospital without the free drugs and busty nurses.

All that for a tenner!

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

The amazing dissapearing Adam

Well, once again I dissapeared off of the face of the interweb, and did any of you care? No. I didn't get one single search and rescue party come look for me.

You see after I'd finished my previous status update in March, I was knocked unconcious by persons unknown, and when I woke up I was in a bathtub full of ice completly naked apart from a post-it note attached to my forehead "Thanx for your kidneys!"

You'd be suprised how many times this happens to me, so once again I had to track down my kidneys and seek retribution. (That's the last time I trust a chinese escort service!!)

But that's another story for another time, I'm back and will be giving you my opinion on current events, spinning you random yarns and of course showing my frustration with regards to film plots, adverts and government initatives.