Thursday, 29 October 2009

Zombie Survival : Almost there...

Being hauled up in a small room whilst hearing the relentless moans of the undead makes you really appreciate the little things in life that you wouldn't have appreciated before hand, like walking in the rain, or hot dinners or not hearing the relentless moans of the undead whilst waiting your inevitable demise.

Last you heard from me, my diabloical brother had taken control of the Laboratories and blown off poor Royston... sorry, poor Royston's hand. I had wondered how my brother had gotten to the laboratories before us, but it seems that he rode my zombified friend Pope (careful)... who had devleoped wings. Royston came too and was in agony due to a lack of hand, Polly was slowly loosing any composure that he had had thanks to the constant moaning and grunting coming from outside... it was like waking up in the middle of the night to wonder if daddy was hurting mummy again.

I was at the end of my tether, and was growing increasing rattled by the sounds outside. I suddenly lost my temper and kicked over a bin... which conviniently was hiding a hatch... yeah... convinient wasn't it? We sprang into action, like a... sprang, and opened the hatch, sure enough it lead to the sewer system... which if my knowledge of Sanitary Systems was correct, would lead us to the Laboratory! and from there we could pull the switch that was the fail safe for the island.

If you've ever seen the shawshank redemption you can appreciate what Polly, Royston and myself had to go through... no not prison life, or being soddomised, I mean crawling through shit and god knows what, till we finally reached our destination.

We came out in a shower cubicle, which thankfully was un-occupied. All the lights in the place were out, and if we had dropped a pin you would have heard it... drop. The eerie silence was split by Royston letting out a nervous fart. Outside the cubicles were several corridors, Polly suggested we split up, which in hindsight was a pretty bad idea, but at the time sounded good.

So we went our seperate ways, I chose to go down the darkest of the corridors, as I thought that if I couldn't see the zombies then they couldn't see me. The laboratories were empty of zombie life however, there was nothing remotely shambling in sight. I felt my way along the corridor till I came to a door with a sign on it. I couldn't quite make it out, but I opened the door anyway.

I had made my way into a control room! There were various different pc's monitoring things, and then it struck me... not an idea, I mean, Braymachine. He had been following me up the corridor. I flew over to the other side of the room as the hulking hulk of a zombie beared down upon me. I thought that my life was surely over and that you my long suffering readers would never know the fate of the island, if you indeed still cared.

But as Braymachine raised those enormous fists, to pound me, he gasped as a steel rod flew through his head. He slumped down ontop of me and nearly crushed me, but I wriggled free in moments.

Standing over the corpse was Alexis. I couldn't believe it! He told me that he had lied about being a zombie when he bit my brother... which made no sense, as he had actually turned my brother into a zombie... but Alexis told me he had not ime to explain.

He pulled out a chair and began to type at the keyboard, suddenly a radar turned up on the screen, and we saw the island, and a small blip moving away from the island.

"It must be some kind of a boat" Alexis said "We can't let anybody leave this island!!"

So Alexis pressed a button, which he told me had just launched a missile at the boat... at this point I didn't know what to believe, he was obviously unsure himself what was the truth anymore... I just hoped that if anybody WAS in that boat that it wasn't anyone I knew.

Alexis managed to bring up a floor plan... somehow!? and it showed that Polly had gone the right way to the fail safe switch... but Royston... Royston had gone straight into the heart of the facility... where all the zombies were.

Alexis opened up a cupboard and chucked me a shotgun. This time, it was time, to save Royston, before he became something other than human. Hopefully Polly would be able to pull the fail safe switch, and my brother would be none the wiser... then again... he's psychic now, which at the time, I'd forgotten...

Halloween Horror Films : Boo

Ok, this is one I've been meaning to talk about for sometime.
Some horror films are bad, but so bad that they are funny, and there's a sick part inside of me that seems to appreciate bad horror films as a unintentional comedy classics.

However, some horror films, are so bad, they are terrible. Which brings me onto Boo, which is probably the worst horror film ever made.

The premise, a bunch of kids go to stay in a haunted hospital overnight, a friend of the boys has already gone inside to set "spooky" traps to scare the girls, so the guys can get laid I guess. Plus we get the story of an ex-cop/movie star (I kid you not) and some long haired guy who's sister has gone missing. The only decent character in the movie is the ex-cop/movie star, and he's under-used.

The plot is stupid, the scares are non-existent, and for some reason everyone keeps melting. Oh, but the main gripe I have is the continuity. One scene a guy gets shot in the arm, the next few scenes after he's just walking around as if nothing has happened. Now, I'm not sure what happens when you get shot in the arm, so maybe that IS how you react.

To find out, I've purchased a gun and will try to continue the rest of this short take on the film with a bullet wound. Here goes.

Holy shit that hurts. I'm typing one handed at the moment... ohh feeling dizzy...

The cast are unlikeable at best, and the story is really... really predictable... One thing that really pisses me off about this though is there's a bit with the ex-cop/movie star guy right near the beginning, where you see his (film?) and in it he lights a match and kicks it at "Blackula" killing him.

Then, there's a bit later where he has the chance to use this move on a villain, only for the match to fizzle out. What a waste of film!

My eyes, are a bit blurry so sorry for spelling... jeeze this hurts...

There's a ghost dog bit that probably cost them more to do than the whole film which is an ok special effect but doesn't do anything for the overall film.

If you're going to watch a horror film, there's a similar but highly superior film "House on Haunted Hill" which has a similar premise and a bit where a guy gets pencils through his eyes... awesome... and unlike this shit, he's not walking around the next scene as if nothing happened!

Yeah so don't watch this movie... I'm off to the hospita...

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Zombie Survival - Milli's Entry

Ohh dearie me... I don't know who will get this message in a bottle, but my name is Milli and I was part of a sick experiment by my so called friend Adamicus. He's turned Braymachine and Pope into scary things and I have no idea where they are now. The whole Island is over run by horror movie cliche's.

As I'm scottish, I'm usually lured to remote Islands by friends in hope that I'll be killed, but I never expected something like this to happen.

Luckily, after I lost Adamicus, I came across a jetty, and there was a boat. So I've finally found a way off of this Island, just in time really as I'm running low of Irn Bru!

I've decided to get in the boat and go for help, as I'm sure Royston and Polly are still on the island... as for Adamicus, I hope he's dead or worse.

Love Milli x

Halloween Horror Films: Trick R Treat

Back in the history of horror films, there was the morality tale, a warning that if you wern't good then you'd end up being killed or worse. They were the kind of films that they should show children at a very very young age, to deter them from doing anything at all wicked. Tales from the Crypt was a show dedicated to these kind of tales. Where you'd have some person who'd wronged someone else and end up getting their just desserts.

Sam Raimi's seminal Drag Me To Hell was a whole film dedicated to a morality tale, but usually these morality tales are short stories which are compiled into one film with three or four parts.

Creepshow was one such film that gave us some great little stories all in one package, and Stephen King's Cat's Eyes was another that had some great plots and interesting ideas.

So this brings me onto Trick R Treat, a film with five short horror stories, but this one differs from the usual formula, as all of them happen in the same town, on halloween night and are all interwoven.

None of the stories are scary, but they're all decent stories none-the-less. The character that is in all the stories is a little creature called Sam, who represents the spirit of Halloween. He's a little kid with a burlap sack over his head, and does look creepy. I'd like to see more of him in the future, but was a little dissapointed at the reveal of what's under the mask.

Brian Cox was especially fun to watch too, and I was racking my brain trying to figure out why he deserved the treatment he was getting, other than being a grumpy old guy there seemed to be nothing wrong with him. I was happy for the payoff of his story.

The whole thing is very enjoyable and has high production values. You won't be hiding behind your sofa, but the writing and subtle twists make it a pleasure to watch.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Halloween Horror Films : Drag Me To Hell

With Halloween impending, I'll be letting you know about some films to watch and films to avoid for the season of the witch.

First off I'd like to start with the latest film from Horror legend Sami Raimi. Mr. Raimi brought us classics like the Evil Dead films, the remake of The Grudge for american viewers and he did the Spider Man Films (don't hold Spiderman 3 against him!)

Like Kunta Kinte, Raimi has gone back to his roots with a spectacular horror movie which goes to show you should never f**k with a gypsy.

Here's the Wikipedia synopsis for you:

The plot revolves around loan officer Christine Brown (Alison Lohman), who tries to impress her boss by refusing to extend a loan to a gypsy woman by the name of Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver). In retaliation, Ganush places a curse on Christine which, if not passed on to someone else within three days, will plunge her into the depths of Hell to burn for eternity.

Well, Mrs. Ganush is terrifying. She starts off as a harmless old lady, with bad dental problems, but soon she becomes a horrifying creature that you would not like to meet down an alley at any time of the day.

Most horror films signpost the jumpy bits with a crescendo. Raimi does the same, and scares you when you think it'll happen, but then moments later will get you again. He's also managed to get some dark humor into the mix, with some great slapstic moments that seems like they've come straight out of Evil Dead, and some funny lines and visual effects.

All in all this is a great horror film, it's not the scariest film you'll see, but the story is great, the characters aren't two dimensional and you're rooting for the main character all the way.

This is a great return to form for Raimi, and I recommend you check this out this Halloween.

Friday, 9 October 2009

Risen Diary - Day One

Day One

Well, my best friend Marty of ten years, said it would be a good idea for me to hide aboard a ship. Well that was a good idea wasn't it? See the world he said, have some fun he said... he didn't mention that there might be some wierd guy with a glowing eye who would decide to have a fight with an invisible sea giant, then once he'd pissed it off enough would just vanish and leave us to pick up the pieces! Now I've ended up shipwrecked on some god awful Island thanks to that Goon!

They're all dead, well, apart from Sara, who I can't remember how I know, but I know that she was on the ship... and if there's no one else on this island, at least I've got some female company... before I found her I was contemplating drawing a smiley face on a rock and calling it Wilson or something.

There is some indigenous wildlife here, not the friendliest creatures I'll admit. So far I've come across a wild ostrich kind of thing, a wolf the size of a lion and a large rat/porcupine thing. I'm just waiting for Dr. Moreau to come out and some lion guy to refer to me as "five finger man".

Also, I can't seem to get off the island. Every time I try and swim out, some large worm thing grabs me! At first I thought "oh shit, I'm done for" I mean it could literally tear me limb for limb. However, he's not as bad as he looks, all he does is he places me back on the beach. I tried several times and the same thing happens! I think I'll call him Hank.

So Sara said she thought we'd better leave the beach, before looters came down there... I hadn't the heart to tell this woman that the first thing I did when I awoke on the beach was to go through all the pockets of the corpses on the beach and loot them... somehow I thought her opinion of me might lower somewhat.

So we walked up through the greenery for some time, it took us quite a while as I decided to pick up everything and anything I could find. I've got more herbs on me now than a Chinese Medicine Man... where I'm putting all this stuff, best not to ask. Suffice to say, I may start chaffing soon.

Finally we came across a cave, which Sara was too scared to go in as there were strange lights in it, so I continued on with her till we got to a little shack. I was glad that their was other life on the Island as Sara was begining to annoy me.

I checked the shack out and found a saucepan. Then Sara the cheeky bitch told me to go cook for her! I mean, it wasn't enough that I'd already saved her life on the beach and hacked my way through various species of animals which are probabily on the endangered species list, no that wasn't enough, she expected me to cook for her too!

Well, I didn't want to cause a scene with my potential love interest, so I cooked her some porcupine/rat meat. Which tastes just like chicken. Tomorrow I will head further inland to find some help, and more rat meat to cook my already grating companion.