Monday, 20 September 2010

Good Neighbours

Even if you don't live on Ramsey Street, it's important that you have good neighbours, perhaps with a little understanding.

When my long suffering lady wife Louise and I moved into our home, we were convinced that the neighbours connected to our semi detached house were either Vampires or growing drugs, or a mixture of the two. this was because we never saw them during the day, their curtains were stapled shut, and we heard strange noises from them. Having watched the brilliant film "The Burbs", I was more than a little concerned we were living next door to the Klopeks.

2 years on and we were wrong about them being vampires. They're actually a nice "foreign" couple (they're eastern European, but I don't know quite where) and haven't exploded when I've seen them in daylight. Are they growing drugs? Probably, but who isn't these days?

Well, I'm not. But in my sleep deprived brain I imagine most other people are.

On the other side of our house however, are two old ladies. I wasn't around when they introduced themselves to my long suffering lady wife Louise, which is more the pity as she was unable to tell me which is which. One of them is Beryl and one of them is Babs. As far as I'm concerned they are interchangeable, and it's been so long since we first met them that too much time has passed to stop proceedings and just say "I'm sorry, but which one is Babs?"

Also, I wonder what exactly do I know about my neighbours? I mean, what do I really know about my neighbours? I'm sure the people living next door to Fred and Rose west thought they were maybe a little odd, but never suspected they'd have bodies under the patio!

Thinking about it, as I tend to do, I don't know anything about Beryl and or Babs. The one time we invited them over for coffee they snubbed us, stating that their arthritic dog couldn't be left alone for seconds (perchance for fear of Goblins?)

My long suffering lady wife Louise said they were sisters, but are they? Maybe they're lovers? Maybe they were cell mates and escaped from a mental asylum prison twelve years ago?

They are old, live together and have a dog. This is all the information I have discovered over the past two years.

So this weekend, I decided I'd find out a bit more about them. I was about to leave my house to break into theirs, when one of them was at my door. I wondered what she wanted and at first thought that maybe she'd killed the other one or wanted help milking her dog (she could be crazy after all)

In the end, it was the exact opposite of milking her dog, she'd come over to ask about Professor Humperdink, my injured cat, as she'd not seen him for a while and was concerned. It actually touched my blackened heart that this lady took time out of her busy dog milking schedule to come over and ask about my cat.

After she left I put my "breaking in to discover their true identities" idea on hold, at least till Christmas.

Monday, 13 September 2010

Liza & Huey's Pet Nation

Holy shit, I was watching drab television with my long suffering lady wife Louise and on came a program I try to avoid, but like a car crash, I can't help but watch, it is of course the lovely "Liza & Huey's Pet Nation"

It’s by far the worst television has to offer. The presenters are awful, Liza and Huey, with the guy being some weird metro-sexual Hispanic weirdo whose shirt was open pretty much down to his belly button and if he’d moved to his left, his nipple would have said hello. I later found out that he is the lead for The Fun Loving Criminals, which makes me cry inside.

Usually each week is filled with weird British people and their pet fetishes.

This week, was no different, when we were introduced to a Welshman (Careful), who was a farmer who lived with his wife and his sheep. No word of a lie, this man, let his massive sheep wonder through his house. I watched in awe as this couple sat on their flea-bitten sofa, laughing about how odd they were, when out of nowhere, the biggest sheep I’d ever seen, came in and knocked over a tin of custard creams off a table, and began gnawing on them. The people’s reaction? They smile and laugh to each other, probably about how eccentric they think they are, but really, we all know they're probably dying from a sheep related viral infection.

This is exactly how the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family started... by letting a sheep live with them. As I watched transfixed at how truly messed up this pair really were, I found myself wondering what the sheep did regarding it’s toilet habits... then the program answered my question, well the wife on the show did anyway. She smiled as she said “You can’t house train a sheep, he just goes where he wants”. I had to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming this. After learning this fact I noticed that their carpet, looked like death.

If you get a chance to watch this abomination car crash television, I suggest you do. The hosts are awful, the “jokes” are followed by the sound of crickets and the whole thing stinks as bad as the sheep’s carpet does. I had to wonder if the producers intentionally made the show this bad? How else could you justify serving up this honking pile of dog turd to the public.

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Where are they now? : The Scooby Gang!

If you, like me, grew up, then you would have probably watched Scooby Doo on television.

It was always a good little cartoon, where you'd try and work out who the monster really was, and 9/10 times I would get it wrong. (I was a special child)

But whatever happened to the Scooby Gang? Well, I took time out of my pathetically free schedule and caught up with the gang. I just need to warn you that things aren't as rosey as you'd have hoped they'd have been for these poor poor people.

Using my investigatory powers, I was able to track down Fred Jones, leader of the old gang, to a trailer park in Nebraska. Fred hasn't aged well, he was deshevelled and drunk when I found him, lying in a pool of his own puke on his trailer floor.

After helping him clean up a bit, he told me what he'd been doing since the gang stopped solving mysteries.

"The gang split and went their own way, except for me and Daphne. Man she was a beauty back in the day, butter wouldn't melt in that mouth, but I didn't realise that she was a she-harpy! I tells ya, I spent my youth un-masking monsters and finding people underneath, but with that banshee, it was the other way round. I dunno if marriage changes you, but she, she bled me dry. We were happy for the first few years, then the flirting started. Some guy called Adam turned up on the scene, some kinda prince... well, it wasn't the best divorce, she took the money, the condo in beverly hills, and worst of all she took the money!"

It was clear that Fred had turned into an alcoholic after Daphne left him for He-Man. I decided that I should leave, but he pleaded me to help him solve the mystery of where he'd put his shoes. Fred Jones, lady and gentleman is a hollow shell of the handsome investigatory sleuth he once was.

Daphne was un-available for comment, due to her being on the planet of Eternia, but the royal palace issued a statement saying the Daphne was very happy and wished nothing but the best for her ex-husband Fred. So I went to see Velma, and she was in an even worst state than Fred.

Velma's dead.

She was spotted by a high ranking employee at microsoft and spent several years rising through the company before she was appointed as Bill Gate's right hand man. Not long after that there was a scandal publisised over the internet that Velma and Mr. Gates had been having an affair. She denied the allegations, but stepped down from her job. Her maid found her body days later, holding a copy of Microsoft Office in one hand and an empty bottle of pills in the other. Tragic.

So what of the beloved Shaggy and Scooby. Well, after the gang split, Shaggy began taking Scooby all over the country in the Mystery Machine. However, one fateful day in October, Scooby was admitted to a vet, and it soon became clear that he had gastric torsion due to Shaggy overfeeding him. An ex-ray showed several enormous sandwiches that hadn't been chewed at all, lodged inbetween Scooby's stomach and his anus. Shaggy was arrested for animal cruelty and upon searching the Mystery Machine, they found copius ammounts of heroin.

Scooby Doo was put down on the 1st of november 2008, and he was buried in a paupers grave. Shaggy, after the death of his beloved dog lost his mind, and was stationed at a mental asylum on a remote Island. He refuses to believe that Scooby is dead and believes that he is on the island to find him. I learnt recently however that his radical treatment on the island was made into a film called Shutter Island, but they changed certain facts and names to protect his identity. Something I just ruined by telling you that.

So there you have it, two dead, two divorced and one mentally unstable, who said cartoon's were for kids?

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Half Arsed Review: Inception at the Imax!

Before watching Inception, I believed that Leonardo Di Caprio was a wishy washy (yes I just used that phrase) actor, with good looks, but that’s about it. I don’t quite know what I based this opinion on... maybe the fact that during my childhood all the girls pined over him and not me, had something to do with it?

Anyhoo, I went to the IMAX, for the first time, with my pal Polly. The screen was bigger than Clifford, alarmingly so, and I honestly thought I’d have a seizure if there were any flickering lights (like the lights over my desk as I type this) and the sound, to quote Jim Carrey “would make George Lucas cream in his pants”.

I’m sure this film looked amazing in a regular cinema, but the IMAX experience would shit on it from a great height. So... I should probably talk about Inception:

Before going to see this film, I was told by several people that it was complicated beyond recognition. In fact at one point in the film even one of the characters was confused! However, I don’t know if it’s my sci-fi addled brain, or the fact that I live 90% of my life in other people’s subconscious’s, but I was never lost at any point in the movie, and...Drum roll please, although there were some plot points I figured would happen, I didn’t predict the twists!

Yes, you read it here first. This movie kept me guessing, then, like a bully in a playground, it pulled my pants over my head and posted a video of it on Facebook. (I’ll get you yet Stuart McGreg!!)

(Read this in a Nazi voice) Zis review vill contain Ze Shpoilerz! You hasv Been Varned!

The plot is simple (not simples, as the Meer-cat’s would want you say, the bastards!) and involves Di Caprio’s Cobb (not a corn on the) and his 3rd Rock from the Sun buddy, being able to infiltrate people’s dreams and steal their secrets. Instead of using their powers for good, like learning what exactly they put in KFC, companies hire them to commit the ultimate form of industrial espionage.

It starts off with Cobb washing up on a beach, and getting discovered by some angry Japanese people, I had a similar experience at Bournemouth one year. Anyway, they bring him to a wizened old Asian guy. He seems to know Cobb, and spins a spinning top that they found on Cobb... then it rewinds to Cobb and 3Rd Rock trying to steal a secret from the same old wizened Asian guy, but now he’s a young Asian guy, called Hanzo (I don’t remember if that is his real name, but that’s what I’ll call him) but he gets wise to their treachery thanks to Cobb’s wife. (bitch)

Anyway, it soon turns out that they’re already in a dream, and they wake Hanzo up and threaten him in the “real world” which also turns out to be a dream. So it’s a dream within a dream, and they’re actually on a train.

They all go about their own way, and are later apprehended by Hanzo, who tells them he has a job for them, but this is different. Instead of stealing an idea, he wants them to plant an idea. That’s Inception baby. The film get’s 10 points, just for having the balls for saying the title of the film, within the film. I love it when that happens. I just wish that he’d looked at the camera and said “Inception” that would have been hilarious, but Nolan’s too good for that, bless his Cotton Joker Socks.

Well, Cobb accepts so he can see his kids, because for some reason the American’s don’t want him back (possibly because his dad is Michael Cain). Anyway, Cobb gets a team together, consisting of Juno, 3rd Rock, Indian Dude from Drag Me to Hell, Hanzo and a guy called Eames, who totally steals the show. All the actors in Inception are great, even 28 days Later Cillian Murphy, (or however you spell that silly name) but Eames honestly lights up the screen whenever he’s on it.

Fast forward past a tutorial into world building with Di Cobb, it also becomes clear that Cobb has a dark secret that could jeopardize the whole mission! And then a few montage’s later they’re going in for the Inception. They mission, to implant an idea in Murphy’s head to dissolve his father’s (Pete Postlethwaite’s) company when he inherits it.

Special mention goes to Pete’s nose in this, which took up 60% of the screen whenever he was on camera.

So, as Inception is especially hard, they have to make a dream, within a dream, within a dream! Sounds complicated, but the film eases you into it so as not to fry your puny human brain cells.

Upon entering Murphy’s head, they are set upon by his subconscious, and Hanzo is wounded. Usually, this wouldn’t be a problem as it’s just a dream... however; something Cobb didn’t think to mention was that if you die in the dream, you end up in Limbo. Not the fun Caribbean dancing game, but an endless world with collapsing buildings.

So, after some really cool stuff, that I can not reveal due to this only being a half arsed, and not a fully arsed, review, they have some great set pieces, you learn of Cobb’s dark secret, and before you know it you're back at the start (which is technically the end) and Hanzo is trapped in Limbo along with Cobb. They both realise where they are and Cobb convinces Hanzo to kill them both, thus waking them up from their dream..

The ending, was amazing. It left it open to interpretation, which is the best kind of ending in my opinion.
The lady in front of me, actually said “NO WAY” out loud. Now that would have brought a tear to Nolan’s eye I’m sure, that his work touched someone that deeply. The problem with that of course, is that Nolan’s tears are made of Unicorn blood, and as we all know, Unicorn blood didn’t do much for he who shall not be named. The dirty bastard...

SAITO! That’s his name, so forget everything I’ve said as if I can’t even remember his name, I obviously can’t be trusted with a half arsed review of something.

Ciao for Niao!

The Three Thousand Five Hundred Pound Sterling Cat

Whilst washing up (the only job I actually do around my house with any form of effort) I happened to glance out of the window. To my horror, limping across the overgrown jungle that is my garden, was Professor Humperdink.

I dropped the cup I was holding, in slow motion (so that I could sort the cat out, come back and catch it just before it smashed on the floor) and ran to the utility door. I fumbled with the single key, in a blind panic, before I was able to force the door open and approach my injured cat.

There he was, meowing at me, with his limp right front leg. I called my long suffering lady wife Louise over, using my voice (If she hadn't been at the house, I'd have used the large spotlight in the garden with a symbol of a horse on it, that usually summons her)

Within seconds she was at my side, prodding and poking the poor professor as he looked at us gone out. My first thoughts were that the ginger ninja Simba, his adopted and evil half brother, had something to do with this, but it was apparent that Simba had been in the house the entire time, and upon thinking about it, he doesn't have the mental capacity to create a devious plan to attack Professor Humperdink. His plans are just to wait somewhere dark and pounce when anyone gets near. The fool.

It was the weekend (of course) so we were very aware that the vets would be charging as much as humanly possible for us to get him looked at. But that didn't matter, for without Professor Humperdink, our house would be almost defenceless!

The vets told us it was a fracture, that it had probably been caused by a car! I asked the money grabbing Vet and my long suffering lady wife Louise to leave for a moment whilst I spoke to Professor Humperdink about what happened.

If you didn't know, cat's are the only thing that stop Goblins getting into your house, and not the good kind of Goblins! Professor Humperdink and the Goblin King (not David Bowie) have been at war since he first got to our house. So far, the Professor has been able to keep the Goblins at bay, however, they lured him, in a similar way how they lured his brother Merlin, onto the road. Luckily, Admiral Ackbar was passing by and shouted "It's a trap" to Humperdink, just in time.

I would have told this to my long suffering lady wife Louise, but she'd have thought I'd not taken my tablets again (I think I've lost them). Anyway, Humperdink was air-lifted out of Rugby and taken to a specialist center, where a team of three experts were able to put his leg back together, using the power of Science!

I spoke to the vet on the phone, who told me that we couldn't afford the bionic limb I'd asked for (plus it didn't exist apparently) so he told me that they just put a metal plate, some screws and a pin in his leg to help him out.

Humperdink is now at home and on the mend, but what of the Goblins you may wonder? Well, yesterday I found one of their spies on the staircase. Goblins, a fact that you may also not know, use Spiders as spies, the larger the spider, the deadlier. It was just me and the spider, Humperdink was in his recovery tent.

I thought I was done for, until my ginger ninja Simba pounced out of no-where. Teasing the spider, before ultimately killing it.

I left it's mangled carcass on the stairs to warn all the other spiders that although Humperdink's out of action for the next 6-8 weeks, there's still another ferocious animal that will guard us from the ever present Goblin threat at the bottom of our garden.

I just hope nothing happens to Simba, or I'll have to put our horse in our house! And no-one, bar my long suffering lady wife Louise, wants that!

Monday, 6 September 2010

Deadly Premonition

You know by now if you've read my blog, that I'm a fan of watching bad movies. I'm also a fan of playing bad games, and seeing just how bad they truly are.

I'm also a fan of survival horror games and the two genres of bad gaming and survival horror have spawned "Deadly Premonition" a twin peaks style abortion of a game.

I thought it was only destined for foreign shores, however, as of 17th Sep, it'll be over here, and I intend to get it and tell you just how awful this game really is.

I'm actually realising that my life is a survival horror, this morning I had to walk to work, all 4 miles, and am now sitting under a flickering light that I doubt will get fixed anytime soon and I'm having to listen to my work colleague drone on about her dull life. If I didn't have bills to pay, I'd walk right now!!

Thursday, 2 September 2010

The Great Rambling - Nemesis

Where would Sherlock Holmes be without Moriarty?

Where would Peter Pan be without Captain Hook?

Where would God be without the Devil?

All the cool people seem to have a nemesis, some form of person that is everything they oppose. I decided, as of five minutes ago, that I needed to get a nemesis.

I already kind of have a nemesis, who I shall codename Pearl. Pearl, is the dullest person on earth. If you were to look up the definition of dull, there would be just a phone number, which would put you through to her and one of her boring stories.

I have to listen to these stories day in and day out, and it's gotten to the point that I try to leave the room if she so much as opens her mouth, for fear she will bore me to death.

I decided, that enough is enough! I had to banish this she-harpy to hell before she drained all of the colour out of the world (a feat she is adept at) So I hired Ninja assassins.

This seemed like a good idea, because even if she wasn't killed, at least she'd have a story to tell me that didn't involve her boring life. However, the following day after the assassination attempt, I found that she was still alive and even she, could make a story about Ninja's un-interesting.

I however, do not count Pearl, as my true adversary, for she is too dull to be my true nemesis. So I have begun to search for someone who will stand against my plans. What my plans are, I don't quite know yet, but I feel if I had a nemesis that my plans would probably be more nefarious, so that's why I need one.

If you'd like to be my nemesis, please go ahead and drop me a line.

If not, I shall have to scour  the earth to find them... until then, I shall have to do with Pearl and her Dementor style soul-draining abilities.


I was watching a car advert the other night, through laziness, not by choice...

There's some kid in a car, who picks up a cow using her hands and places it on top of a petrol station's roof. Irresponsible!!! If I was her father, I'd stop the car and make her take it off again.

So, put yourself in the petrol station guys shoes. You're working in the middle of nowhere, you've been called in to work even though it's supposed to be your day off in a typical Clerks moment, at a petrol station which seldom see's any traffic.

So you're helping yourself to a sly Slush Puppy when all of a sudden you hear a "Moooo". You open the door to see on top of your petrol station roof, there is a cow.

You immediatly realise that someone in a vauxhall has driven past and irresponsibly let their child use the god like powers that the car gives them, to put a cow on your roof. You're now tasked with getting the cow down, then your mobile goes off, it's the hospital... your wife was attacked by rabid wolverines and they need you down there asap. But... there's a cow on your roof.

These car adverts never think of the little people, and that's why I don't drive...

Murder Misery AKA Mourning Jo

Some might say that Stoopid Studios is a one trick pony, being that most if not all of our films have a supernatural element which involves some/all of us dying.

So, our next feature will be a different bag all together, sure someone will die, but there will be no essence of supernatural entities or bananas from outer space in this venture.

It's working title is "Murder Misery" and it'll involve a few of us improvising a gathering, where we're all playing strange individuals like a door to door salesman who sells doors or an alcoholic Farmer who is convinced his animals are talking to him. Anyhoo, it'll all come to a head when one of us dies.

Then, Alex will be coming to join us in the evening as an investigator, who, as he won't be present during the filming of the murder, will have no idea as to who the real murderer is! Let the hilarity commence!

Anyhoo, hopefully this will be up on our website sooner rather than later, we've still got 2 projects filmed and awaiting the editing, so watch this space or indeed

Stay tuned for more nonsense.