Monday, 22 December 2008

Ancient Greece

The boredom that is created from having worked through a weekened made me realise that Ancient Greece is linked to everything.

Here's what to do.

Type anything you like into wikipedia, then click on the first blue word or "link" as it's known to the non-lamen on the page and every page following. You will eventually end up on a page about Anceint Greece.

You may find yourself embroiled however in a loop, if this happens click the 2nd "link"

Eventurally all roads lead to Ancient Greece

Coincidence or tomfoolery? You decide.

Winter Wonderland

Hello everyone! :D

It's nearly christmas, as I'm sure you're aware. If you are not aware then I suggest you become aware and get down to some shops, spend more money than sense on things your friends and family don't need and then celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ by opening presents and worshipping Coca Cola's idol. I have something similar happen on all my birthdays.

If you do not celebrate christmas you are either dead or of a different religion, which is a shame, as christmas is fun if you get into it.

Now the real crux of this blog update, is confusion on my part. I've been listening to several xmas jingles to get my mind into the swing of things.

Winter Wonderland came on and I was joyfully listening, but then in my child like mind I had to re-listen to a verse:

In the meadow we can build a snowman
and pretend that he is Parson Brown
he'll say are you married we'll say no man
but you can do the job when you're around (or whilst in town)

Now for years I had presumed this was the singer being a bit of a slut. Saying that they wern't married but that they were open to offers, wink wink nudge nudge, a nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

I always thought that was an odd message for a christmas song, and thought maybe that song helped contribute to the decay of western society. However a very good friend of mine explained it to me saying that the Parson can get the (couple?) married, not that he could fill in for the bride/groom.

I also thought that "I'm ever woman" used to be "Climb every woman" and could never really understand what the hell that was on about. Then there's that song "what's she gonna look like with a chimney on her" which is what they actually sing, yet I am still none the wiser as to what it's about, maybe the titular woman will be filling in for santa this year? Hmm....

Well I hope you all have a very merry christmas, and I imagine that like me you will be rigging up your house "Home-Alone" style in an effort to capture the intruder known as Santa Claus.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Woolworths - Pick or Mix?

Well history repeats itself, this time the high street Goliath Woolworths has been slain by the recession's chief stone thrower David in a game of twister that no one saw coming.

Well, I didn't see it coming. I'm sure financial people and woolie bosses saw it coming. But honestly I can't remember the last time I went in to woolworths to get anything that didn't contain sugar.

It's a shame, because it's like saying goodbye to a bit of my childhood, and not a part I wanted to say goodbye to like those abuse filled visits to my uncle Ed's basement... but I digress.

Xmas shoppers however rejoice at Woolie's death, as we can get some good bargains in time for christmas. So now all my friends and family who read this...well no one reads this really, but if they did, they'd have ruined the suprise of opening up a big present and finding it full of woolies pick and mix.

Who'se next though? WH Smiths? Boots? Anne Summers? The Lego Shop in the bullring!?!?

Personally I blame the Somalian Pirates, I think they've got something to do with all this.

Thursday, 4 December 2008

It not be long

I've now removed my stomach and replaced it with a glass box, so I'm feeling much better now, thanks for asking... wait, what do you mean you didn't ask? You don't care right, well screw you! Screw you in the ear!

Theres some crazy shit happening in the world at the moment, a Cholera outbreak, a civil war or 2, Pirates of the Somalia Carribbean, my stomach, and people being found guilty of kidnapping their own child just to get money. Seriously, it makes you wonder what's round the corner? The answer to this question is of course Christmas.

I heard "do they know it's christmas time at all?" on the radio today, and although I am with them on the whole charity front, the line about it never snowing in Africa always bugs me. So are they behind snow in Africa then, I mean they've got enough worries, now they want them to freeze to death? I mean it's one extreme to another, mixed messages. Sort it out. Besides, isn't there snow up Mt. Killymonjary? (Spelt as wrongly as I could)

I am a fan of Christmas songs, but some just make me shudder with disgust or disbelief. I mean, what the hell is "O Christmas Tree" about? So they're worshipping tree's instead of Jesus at Christmas now are they? Don't get me wrong, I'm not big on the bible, but I did see something in there about worshipping false Idols.

Well, I'm gonna head off now, the wolves are closing in...

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Adam Vs The Stomach of PAIN!


Somewhere in the past 48 hours, my stomach and I have fallen out.

It seems to want nothing more than to cause me an agonizing death, it keeps grumbling at me as it sends pain shooting through my body.

But I'm not going to let it defeat me, I shall have the last laugh, even if it means cutting it out and replacing it with a glass box.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

A&E : A True Story

The rain fell from on high (as oppose to from below?) and soaked me to the bone last night as I walked the 5 mile trek from work to home. However on my way home I receive a telephonic communication off of my long suffering lady friend Louise, it turns out that her new best friend, Milly the horse, had attacked her.

Louise had just had a lovely “hack” with Milly and two of her friends down the stable. She was putting Milly back into her stable, which Milly didn’t take kindly to. Louise stirred Milly’s food with her hand as she always does, and fed Milly a carrot to keep her happy, however… Milly either smelling the food of Louise’s hand or because she fancied trying a bit of “man flesh” bit onto Louise’s finger, and refused to let go.

Louise said that she had to coax Milly off of her finger by luring her with another carrot, and then wrapped her swollen finger up in gause… Louise’s swollen finger, not Milly, as Milly is a horse and doesn’t have fingers… I’ve not got time to go into Horse Biology with you, suffice to say they have hooves, and if you didn’t know this you should go back to school… now!!!

Anyhoo, on returning home I tell Louise that she should really go to the hospital as most Zombie Apocalypse scenarios happen when someone gets bitten by something, but she ignored my advice and instead decided to call up her mother and then the NHS direct to hear their opinions. I was slightly hurt by this, but got Louise back by urinating in the sink, she hates it when I do that.

After much deliberation we went down the A&E ward, which at rugby is now a walk in centre so any tom dick and/or harry can go in with a runny nose and get as much drugs as they like, for free!

On arriving, we were depressed to see a full waiting room, and a large electronic sign stating that there was a 2 hour and 15 minute wait to see a doctor. The 15 minute wait was obviously for the receptionists who were chatting to each other whilst Lou was waiting patiently in front of them. They only paid her attention when a doctor came in behind them, looked at Lou and asked if he could help.

After waiting for some time and playing my favourite hospital room waiting game of “guess their illness!” we were seen by Alan the Nurse.

My spider senses tingled as soon as we got into the examination room when he said “Oh he can stay if he likes” referring to me. He had either misheard Lou asking me to hold her bag, or was talking to the voices in his head.
Then the alarm bells rang.
Alan said “hmm… I’m not sure if you need a tetanus or not” so then he turned round, and went on GOOGLE. I wish I was joking.

Yes this man’s medical knowledge can be summed up in one word, “Crap”.

After exploring Google for a while, he concurred with the voices in his head that he needed to give Lou a jab. He joked on the way out “Now I get the pleasure of stabbing you, don’t go anywhere”

Which made me think two things, 1 – does this guy actually work for the hospital, if so is he the janitor or is he just some guy off the street or a mental ward escapee and 2 – did most people escape when he went out to get the syringe?

Lou turned to me when he left and suggested we left as she was scared that he would use the syringe like a dart. On returning he pretty much did use the syringe like a dart, after doing two circles and jabbing it into her arm… next lou started bleeding to which his medical response was to put a tissue on it. “Don’t worry” he said “You’re now covered against tetanus for life” and I’m sure I heard him mutter under his breath “but I think I’ve just given you aids”

From now on, if I need to goto A&E I’ll be going to Coventry…

Would I survive?

I've recently been playing a computer game called Left 4 dead, in which you team up with 3 other people "online" and try to survive a zombie apocalypse.

This got me thinking as to how I actually would fare in a zombie survival situation. I've seen most zombie films, being fairly interested in the fall of society and the dynamics of a group of people going against insurmountable odds to survive.

In theory, due to the books and films I have watched, and common sense that I bought off of ebay, I believe I would be able to survive for some time in a post-zombie ridden world. However on paper, my abilities aren't great. I've never shot a real life weapon, I can't drive anything, I'm not out of shape but if there were fast zombies they'd probably get me and to top it all off I'm a coward. I'm that guy in a zombie movie who locks himself in a room, and has to listen to all the other survivors die. That guy usually meets a sticky end, in a bad way.

So as I'm a curious george, I decided to invest a lot of time and money into creating a zombie virus to unleash on the small population of an Island I'm currently purchasing (thanks to google and Wikipedia!)

I do however need some fellow survivors, I kind of double up as the coward/comic relief guy, so I need a black guy, someone with a disability, several women, an ex-military guy or a cop.

E-mail me your CV if you are interested. Ciao for now.

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Half asleep review

I watched Scarface last night, a family film with some guy who was in some film with a horses head in it, I can't remember the details as I was asleep at the time.

I like films from the 80's, theres a certain grittiness to them. The best films came from the 80's, Blues Brothers, Labrynth, Back to the future, Carebears the movie...

Scarface told the story of loveable rogue Tony Montanna, a construction worker who moved to America because he didn't like the bloke who ran Cuba. Oh he came from Cuba by the way, he wasn't like living in Scotland and one day woke up thinking, "hey, I hate that Castro guy, I'm moving to America!"

So Tony goes to america but is put in a shanti village, where his friend tells him the only way out is by getting rid of a man in a white suit (I think it was the Man from DelMonte) so during a protest of some kind he punches the guy in the stomach, and the man from DelMonte falls on the floor, presumably because he's a whimp.

Anyway, Tony and his childhood friends have some zany adventures, and they end up working for a friendly jewish man called Frank. Tony falls in love with Frank's wife and tells his friend that he will woo her. Frank sends Tony and some other guy, I forget his name, to see Mr Sosa, who looks even MORE like the man from DelMonte, but they're not supposed to kill this one, where Tony and this other dude try to negotiate a deal for some white powder, I guess it was sugar. Sosa doesn't like the other guy with Tony and plays a practical joke on him, by putting a noose round his neck and throwing him out a helicopter.

They all have a good laugh about it later, except for the guy who was hanging by his neck from the helicopter, I guess he was too ashamed to come back, as he wasn't in the rest of the film. oh well.

So Tony starts getting more powerful, and starts snorting sugar which makes him really hyper, and Frank sends some people with paint guns to hit Tony, I guess they're all practical jokers, but Tony had brought his own paint gun and shot the guys in the legs. It was really fun, and Tony went to see Frank to repay the favour. Tony got one of his friends to shoot paint at Frank, and Frank played dead, just like you're supposed to in paint ball games.

Anyway, Tony gets together with Frank's wife/girlfriend person, and she starts snorting more sugar than Tony, and is really weird.

So anyway, they all live happily ever after I guess, except for that play fight they have at the end...

Disney have made some great films in their time, but this one was a little hard to follow. I enjoyed it though and the comical dance scene in the club was hillarious, as was the big paint ball game at the end. There were some strong language in it and a scene of nudity, but as Calvin and Hobbs say, "it was acceptable in the 80's" oh wait, that's the kid and the Tiger, Calvin Harris that's the dude that sang that song.

Now to go back to sleep

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Rant time

It's been a hectic few days, I managed to bust Professor Katz and Simba from where they were being held, after a car chase I finally lost the pursuers.

Professor Katz however had no idea who was stealing time. So I returned him to his asylum, kicking and screaming.

I wonder if I will ever know who is behind this dasterdly time theft that is occuring. My good friend The Baron, suggested that the Swiss may be behind it, but I never trust a man who changes his underpants more than once a week...

On another note, I see that another British staple of advertising has been raped by "The Man".

I refer to, Mr Muscle. When I was a kid, I remember killing my siamese twin over some stickle bricks, but I also remember seeing a lot of television. One of the adverts I enjoyed was the Mr Muscle adverts, as my parents joked that I was Mr Muscle, being scrawny and wearing striped boxer shorts. However unlike Mr Muscle I don't love the jobs you hate... I hate all jobs. Well not all, but I wont digress into a filthy tone.

"The Man" not content with the scrawny Mr Muscle, have now replaced him... with a superhero.
What are his super powers? Unblocking drains? He must have been at the back of the line when they were handing out the powers at superhero school, or off sick.

Seriously what the hell is going on? Has that Large Hadron Collider sent the world crazy? Is black now white? I've said it before, but no one likes change. So stop changing everything.

Keep everything exactly the same forever... and that's the premise behind Purgatory I guess or maybe hell. The same thing forever.

I actually had a dream the other day (at least I hope it was a dream) where I had travelled back in time and was living in the 50's, and after a few days I had to go back to the 00's, but I didn't want to as I enjoyed the simplicity of the 50's. A world without worry... but then I guess I hadn't been there long enough to be afraid of constant nuclear destruction at the hands of the soviets, but that wouldn't concern me as I would have come from the future and known that they don't nuke anyone, but then again, if I can travel back so can other less scrupiless people, and what would stop them from using their "future knowledge" to establish a base of power and rival my "future knowledge" causing the cold war to become hot and ending the world in a nuclear holocaust!!!

And that's why time travel is a bad idea, unless you like genocide... and by genocide I don't mean a song by The Offspring, or a Dr. Who novel of the same name. I mean the destruction of an entire race by the hand of another. So if that's you, invest in a time machine, if you're sane, dont invest in a time machine.

Until next time... (which wont be long with all this time being stolen from us!)

P.S.
Any ideas on where time is going, drop me a line.

Monday, 3 November 2008

Stealing Time

So breaking Professor Katz out of a mental institute for the criminally insane is going to be harder than I thought.

The A-Team always made it seem easy when they broke Murdoch out of the crazy house, but in reality it's a lot harder than those pansy's make out. I call them pansy's as I know that one of them is dead and if they can't shoot for toffee... seriously, you offer them toffee, and they still can't shoot straight.

When I tried to break in the other night, they captured Simba. So now they're holding the little cat for questioning. I theorized with my other cat Professor Humperdink for some time and althought he suggested we leave Simba to his ultimate fate as "he knew the risks when you adopted him" I don't want to leave any man behind... or cat.

So over some jammy dodgers and tea, we devised a fool proof plan to spring not only Simba, but the disturbed Professor Katz at the same time. But first we needed some supplies, so we decided (as I know how to speak Tesconian) to goto tescos.

As I walked through the door I went white with anger... it's the 3rd of november today... so why... oh why... is there a christmas tree standing in the doorway!?!? Halloween hasn't be done a few days and already christmas is here, Satan must be spinning in his grave!!

Tonight, I spring the Prof Katz and Simba, if I'm not back in a few days... please find my body and get the key to my house and let Gerry Anderson out of the metallic box I trapped him in.

Friday, 31 October 2008

Halloween

Tonight is the night where I traditionally spend the night at home cramming in as many horror films as I can, whilst simultaneously hiding from local thugs blackmailing me for goodies.

But tonight, I am doing something different, I am setting off on my quest to find out who or what is stealing time...

I'm sure you, like me, have noticed how quick the year is going, it only seemed like yesterday that I was having a bbq in my backgarden celebrating my birthday.

But where to start? Well, my dear old friend Professor Katz can set me off in the right direction I'm sure, but recently he was committed to an asylum, something about being constantly pestered by a maniac. So I'm breaking him out tonight, and helping me will be Professor Humperdink and I brought everybodies favourite decoy, my other cat Simba.

Wish me luck.

Monday, 27 October 2008

Jeff Tracy

I was round my parents house last night, enjoying a dinner prepared by the monkey chefs that reside in their basement 30 feet under the house, when my father Jedi Mind tricked my mother into handing him the remote.


After a few button presses he settled his eyes on the end of a Thunderbirds episode. Now I've already written my confusion as to why John Tracy is abandoned in space, with only his monitoring station to provide him with light entertainment to ward off the space madness that consumes us all when we're orbiting a planet.


But I think I've uncovered something a tad sinister, which the world governments I'm sure are unaware of.


In this episode of Thunderbirds, Thunderbird 1 was chasing a car with some criminals in it, a bit of an overkill you'd think, what with a large rocket ship chasing down two guys in a sports car?

But then something happened that shocked me to my core... Thunderbird one... began to shoot bullets at the car...


Since when did the Thunderbirds need a machine gun to help them rescue people? What possible use would the machine gun have for rescuing a cat from a tree?


Then I wondered, if Thunderbird 1 had these armaments... what about the other Thunderbird vessles?

The whole world trusts International Rescue, and that's exactly what Jeff Tracy wanted. When you think about it, Jeff Tracy is a perfect Bond villain. He ticks all the boxes.

He's got an island paradise for a home, with an underground lair, a chinese man servant, a space station, several different vehicles and he has the trust of the world. I bet that when Jeff does make his move, the world will not be able to retaliate for fear they will get killed by the large space laser that Brains attached to Thunderbird 5.

But then it's just a tv show, and maybe I'm thinking too much into it... or maybe you're not thinking enough. Be vigilant people, childrens tv series are peparing us for the future, along with computer games, movies and books... except for the bible, that's just crazy.

Thursday, 23 October 2008

Magic Bean Man


video



The latest film from Stoopid Studio's deemed "too long" for youtube.


Enjoy.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Lollypop Man

No, I'm not referring to the Superhero of the same name, who fights crime by giving villains sugary treats that will contribute to dental disaster!!!

But I'm referring to that time old profession of standing at the side of a road in all kinds of weather, in a high vis jacket, holding a large pole helping kids cross the road.

Now I think it's a nice quaint little idea and it's nice to know that someone is watching the children, not in a creepy Gary Glitter way, but in a nice Michael Jackson kind of way. (Oh wait... forget that)

So, this morning on my daily journey into work, I noticed a Lollypop man, standing at the side of the road... at a pedestrian crossing.

Um, somehow I don't think this guy has the point, I mean, Lollypop men or women are supposed to stop traffic to help kids across, but surely the pedestrian crossing has put him out of work. He even thanked us for stopping for him, I wanted to point out that the light was RED, and that if it had been green we would have more than likely mowed him down.

So how does this guy justify his job? Well I was curious so I called up the school he works for, it turns out that he used to work for them, but when the pedestrian crossing was built he was fired (that was the official reason, but the bodies that turned up under his pattio had SOMETHING to do with it)

Bitter at the school for firing him from his dream job, he tried various things from Terrorism, extortion, writing children books and Glamour Modelling. But in the end he couldn't get that job satisfaction of helping children across the road. So every morning, before he goes to his real job at the Home Office, he goes to the pedestrian crossing in his lollypop outfit that he handstitched himself, and helps the children cross the road.

And I thought I was weird!

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Vote for Brown

I'm not as political as my evil brother, what with him being a Nazi Superhero called "Cap'n Colditz", but now and again I think it's time to make a stand and do something about where our country is headed.


And that's why I emplore you to Vote for Brown in the next general election... not Gordon Brown, hell no. I'm talking about Derren Brown - the tricks of the mind guy.

Derren Brown is a modern day supervillain waiting to happen, he can make anyone believe anything he likes with his hypnotic abilities, he'd be able to get all the MP's to vote for whatever he wanted using his sly jedi mind tricks, he'd be able to gain control of the UN using his suggestive abilities and they'd think it was there idea to blow up America and not Derren's.

I think I'll send him a letter and "suggest" he runs for PM :D

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Once burnt...

The other night, after a nice relazing evening (Relazing being a cross between relaxing and being lazy, not to be confused with relayzing which is a sexual position involving two oranges and a panda) my long suffering lady friend requested a hot beverage in the form of some Horlicks.

Being the knight in shining armour (literally that particular night) that I am, I agreed to make it her. Not many people know this, but Horlicks was first invented in 283 BC by Yuri Gambal, a farmer who was going through hard times. His wife had left him and she got the sheep in the divorce, so all that Yuri had were his herd of Horls, 1 legged flightless birds with the head of a cat.

One bad day his favourite Horl (called Vinny but changed to Bob in the bible due to poor translation) was killed in a freak spoon accident. Yuri was so attached to the Horl that he had it cremated, a few days later his friend Zeus came over to stay and brought his cow, who Yuri married later. Zeus to cheer Yuri up decided to make him some hot milk, and wanted to sweeten it up, mistaking the Horl remains for sugar Zeus stirred it in. The resulting drink was delicious, Zeus told Yuri what he had done and that they could be partners in making a great hot beverage. Yuri thought long and hard about it before he killed his friend and took all the profits himself.

Fastforward to present day: I put the milk into a cup and put it in the microwave, thinking nothing of it, as I always put it in for 2 minutes.

BIG MISTAKE

BEEP BEEP! It was done, I opened the microwave and grabbed ahold of the handle of the mug, not knowing that it was a trap (Admiral Akbar would have warned me!)

Instant pain shot up my arm, I let go of the cup, splashing the scolding milk all over the place, I screamed in agony and then looked up. My microwave had gone...

I turned round and grabbed a knife with my un-burnt hand, it took me back to my days in Nam. (Nam-field day care centre) the back door swung open, it had escaped. I was able to see it run down my garden before it turned round, displayed "DIE" on it's LED screen and vanished.

I'll be ready next time, mark my words Microwave!

Training

Trying to catch a rabid spidermonkey, that had killed a small latino family, with a lassoo made from extension cable turned out to be a fruitless endevour and my job of animal welfare officer ended with an honorable dishonorable discharge.

I've spent the time since my last post training my cats, Professor Humperdink and Simba, to do the housework whilst I am away. And let me tell you, they were shit.

They kept running away from the hoover, climbing into the washing machine with the washing and couldn't wash the windows properly.

Have you ever tried to get a cat to wash up? Well after several days I thought they had mastered the art of washing up, with the Professor washing the dishes in water and Simba drying them up.

However, I came back early one day and found Humperdink licking the plates clean and Simba rubbing his body against it to dry it. I had to sit them both down and show them what happened to the dwarves in Snow White after the woodland animals had cleaned the house for the lazy bitch, using there tongues and various apendages. They all contracted Cholera and died a horrible death. Proving my point, you can't trust an animal to do a human's job, they cut corners worse than we do.

Monday, 29 September 2008

Store Wars : Aisle One - The Ketchup Menace

I was as suprised as the next person to find out that Forest Gump was a zombie, but I digress...

Last night whilst flicking through the 3 channels I have here in my "bat cave" I came upon an advert, an advert for Sainsbury's tomato ketchup.

From what I can remember from my drug enduced state the advert had a family round a dinner table with the lower class fare of chips I suppose. The dad wants some ketchup, grabs the sainsbury's one on the table and is unsure of it's authenticity, maybe he had a bad experience before with some store brand ketchup (where it was infact 1% tomato and 99% acid) and it all ended up with the deaths of his first family, so he decides not to go through the trauma again and doesn't want the ketchup.
Then sainsburys tell us that even though there product MAY contain high acidity levels, it's at least 20p cheaper than the leading brand (*cough* Heinz) and we're treated to the dad's kids now teasing the dad by not giving him the ketchup.
I'm sure after the camera stops the dad punches his son in the face, and the family prepare for another night of abuse from there alcoholic father.

I had to goto Tescos today for lunch, after being too scared to make myself a lunch today thanks to the ghost that now lives in my fridge, and on the way in I spied a sign stating that there ketchup was the cheapest.

So it seems the impeding financial crisis has made the supermarkets bring Ketchup into the fray, I had no idea that ketchup was such a competitive market, and how long will it be before Asda follows suit and brings out there free ketchup!?!?

I asked Connifer, a Sainsbury's employee to comment on the latest advert. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to understand the Sainsburyish, as I am only fluent in Teconian and Morrisan who communicate through Morris Dancing, not pretty. Luckily there was a translater on hand who translated the clicks and beeps that Connifer made. Apparantly Connifer didn't know anything about ketchup, but did tell me that one of the original Sainsbury's founders was fired as he used to ride his bike through the store.

Anyway, get back to whatever it is your aren't doing!

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Nature

I'm a fan of Picnics, not the chocolate bar of the same name as they contain nuts, and I don't like nuts ever since that encounter I had in Poland with an old lady and a jar of peanut butter, long story, to cut it short it ended in world war II, which is odd as I've never been to Poland and I wasn't alive at the beginning of world war II, but I digress...

When it's a nice sunny day here in Kefeklahania I like to take my long suffering lady friend out for a picnic, she will spend the morning preparing a delightful hamper whilst I kill germans and play WWII games on my xbox370 (yes I have the next model up!)

So we will find a nice spot and lay a blanket on the supple land before opening the hamper and gorging ourselves on it's delicious innards. But when I open that hamper, it triggers off an alarm in the bowels of the earth, where Mother Nature sits there in a leather chair stroking her pussy (cat). As soon as the alarm goes off Mother Nature presses the button which launches every annoyance possible at me to stop my enjoyment of a lovely day.



I like the outdoors, but I hate nature. She always spoils a good day! Picnics are the worst though as not only am I swarmed by ants trying to get my delicious goodies, but she sends in the big guns. WASPS.

I don't mind Bees, they have a purpose. They help make Sugar Puffs, and other honey based treats, even though I hate bee excrement as much as I hate Mr. Kipling (the bastard with all his pies and cakes!) but Wasps... they have no purpose but to hurt. I'd rather have a spider come near me than a Wasp, and I have mild arachnophobia.

I'm fed up of Nature literally pissing on my bonfires as well, so I am writing a very harsh letter to the goverment to see what the plan on doing about her. I will let you know what they reply with as soon as I get it.

Guilty Pleasure

It's that time of the year again, and no I'm not talking about my yearly bath, I'm talking about Strictly Come Dancing, which wasn't a porno version of Strictly Ballroom as I had hoped!

I've been following the show for the last few years, and now my saturday nights are spent hanging naked upside down in my cave, watching the celebrities dance with vigor. But the reason I watch it isn't to see the lovely dancing, or for Bruce's jokes. It's for one reason and one reason only.

It's live and anything can happen, including the inevitable death of Brucey, or is it inevitable?

Bruce Forsythe (I apologise to all concerned if that is spelt wrong) is a legend of course, and he's still going strong, which for a man of his age seemed strange, so I thought "wait a minute, theres something not quite right here".

To the untrained eye he is but an old man (entertaining?) the masses, but to a trained idiot like myself, he's something more. A vampire maybe? It's true, I've never seen Bruce in the daytime, but surely there would be a string of bodies from his victims littering the souless halls of the BBC. Maybe he goes into a cryogenic chamber as soon as they finish the show? Maybe he found the Holy Grail?

Well, I can reveal to you all now, that the answer is none of the above. I spoke to Old Man Withers who "haunted" the abandoned theme park outside of town until some meddling kids screwed him over when he was just about to sign a land development deal. Old Man Withers and Bruce (who then went by the name of Tamara) used to work on the same carnival back in the good old days. According to Withers, Bruce like so many of us, was approached by the devil and offered him an extended life and a BBC contract for Bruce's soul. So he agreed.

So there we have it, he sold his soul like so many of us, to the big red man. Unfortunalty I sold MY soul to Santa for a Transformers lunchbox, it was worth it. Food tastes so much better when eating it out of Optimus Prime's groin.

Monday, 15 September 2008

Alien Invasion

Stop whatever you are doing... well, actually don't as at the moment you are reading what I am writing, so if you stop that then you won't know what I'm about to tell you and it's rather important as you can probably guess from the Title of this blog entry.



I shall begin at the beginning, a very good place to start if "The Sound Of Music" is to be believed. My long suffering lady friend had bought a multi-pack of crisps, a seemingly ordinary thing to do, and I picked (at random as to not make the other crisps jealous) from the multi-pack, a packet of Space Raiders. Crisps, I've not had for some time.





I consumed the meager sized pouch of pickled onion flavoured alien shaped maize treats in a heart beat, and on finishing examined the packet to see how long I had left to live... and that's when I saw it...



A public service warning the size of two stamps on the back of the packet, informed me that there is an alien invasion commencing, and the only way to fight off these intruders is to crunch Space Raiders...



I couldn't believe it, there had been nothing on the news regarding the invasion and why would the government put such an important message on the back of a packet of alien shaped maize treats???


I called MI5 about this and they threatened me with legal action for taking up there valuable time, then it hit me. Why wasn't it on the news? Why don't we know about it?

The answer my friends is this: The Government are in on it.



Yes, the Goverment must have been infiltrated at the highest levels, and are dumbing down our knowledge of our impending enslavement!! Only the brave individuals at KP Snacks are warning us of potential devestation at the hands of some alien overlords!!



I urge each one of you to do the same as I have, construct a bomb shelter in your garden, buy every packet of Space Raiders from your local supermarket, and start crunching. My long suffering lady friend Lou wouldn't join me and Gerry Anderson in my alien/bear proof shelter, so I had to subdue her by knocking her out with some mini-cheddars.


If the Aliens destroy the planet I have to be able to re-populate the planet, and even though Gerry Anderson is up for it, I don't think he has the anatomy to house a child... maybe I should get onto Danny DeVito... He seemed to be able to do it to Arnie in JUNIOR... hmmm....

Friday, 12 September 2008

Microwave Antics

Today I decided to have a microwaveable meal from Tesco's. After walking past the cake Isle and "accidently" knocking over and destroying there Mince Pies, I arrived at the "Ready meal" section and picked up something "tasty" for my lunch. (mental note, don't use as many "quote" marks in a "sentence" again)

However, as I put it in the microwave I noticed a button on the front of the microwave. The Button read "STOP TIME".

I had no idea that microwaves were that sophisticated that they could stop time itself!!
Fearful of what the overlord who I work for would do with our time stopping device I did the only logical thing, I destroyed the microwave with my bear hands, yes I said Bear not Bare.
After successfully defending my home from Bear Attacks last weekend, I made a pare of gauntlets from the carcass's and used them to smash the powerful time stopping device.

I then buried the remains of the microwave in seperate locations, so that's what I've been doing today, and they say my job is dull!!!

No sleep = this post

Dogs are no longer man's best friend.

The dogs have been left out in the cold and our new friends are the little black/grey boxes that sit in our studies/bedrooms/dungeons/panic room. I speak of COMPUTERS!!! Sure one day in the not so distant future they will rebel and kill us all, but for the moment, they're pretty fun to have around.

Computers have become our best friends, sure there are things you can do with a dog that you can't do with a computer, and in some countries you can even marry your dog, but we don't speak of those countries as my lawyer Dr. Stanley is already dealing with several lawsuits, one of them being against Mr. Religion.

I find myself (and let out a sigh of relief as I hate loosing myself) in "REAL" life, missing certain functions that I use on my personal computer (or "PC" as some of those crazy hippies are calling them nowerdays)

Two of the functions on my keyboard I would really like to be made into reality for christmas, and I've already e-mailed Bill Gates to see if it's possible.

Delete: There have been times in the past where I have met someone who I don't like, or want to get rid of some evidence (body/drug mule/porn/Pokemon) but I can't seem to hide them well enough, it would be great if you could just erase them from history just like you do with the press of a key.

UNDO: The best function ever made. Undo. We all make mistakes, be it sleeping with someone or something you shouldn't, saying something outloud that was never meant for human ears, writing an irrate message to the goverment in a drunken stupor or just killing someone then realising you had the wrong address (I'll check the post code next time) and having an undo button would be great... I'd end up using the undo button to create a freakish Ground-Hog day reality, where every night, I'd just press the undo button, and re-live the day, giving myself (technically) immortality.

So, if you too want a delete function or undo button in your lives, send an e-mail to:
Billa.k.a.kingoftheworldGates@Microsoft.com

Thursday, 11 September 2008

Xmas come early?

Santa comes but once a year (I think Mrs Claus is a frigid bitch) and last time I checked that time tied in with Jesus's birthday, the 25th of December.
So why oh why does Tesco's deem it appropriate to sell Mince Pies in September? Mince Pies are christmas treats, not all year treats. If you could get them all year they'd not be that special. But obviously Tescos is wanting to beat all it's other competitors (ASDA, Morrisons, Sainsbury's, Count Dracula) to the post by getting it's xmas stock out asap.
But this is what I don't get, they've got Mince Pies in for xmas, but nothing for Halloween. Have they forgotten the overly commercialised poorly celebrated tradition that is Halloween? Or do they view Xmas as the next BIG event?
To answer, yet another of my questions, I spoke to Tracey Gorbochov, a tesco's employee about this. Tracey grunted twice which meant she understood the question, and scratched the floor, signalling that it was a poorly planned marketing decision.
It's a good job I speak Tesconian!

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Another fruitless question

One day there was Mr. Religion, and he told everyone the universe was created by an etheral being and let's not ask any questions about it, but just have faith. Things were going well for Mr. Religion, until a new guy moved into the neighbourhood. His name was Mr. Science, and he drove a Honda.
Mr. Science turned up with all these things called facts, and has been trying to disprove Mr. Religion for millenia.

The Bible, we all know of it, have either read or been read parts of it, maybe seen the movie, laughed at it's inaccuracies and wondered why Dinosaurs and Aliens were left out of it?

Mr. Religion would have you believe that Mr. Science planted that evidence for people to find, and that we are the only people in the whole universe, but when I was at the natural history museum, a young boy named Gustafahoff asked me "Why are there no dinosaurs in the bible?" I asked him to mind his own business and walked off, but it made me think, why are there no dinosaurs in the bible?


So I got in touch with my old friend Professor Katz, who is no longer with Oxford University due to constant harrasment. After breaking into his old office, I hacked his computer and found out that he was staying at his holiday home in Vermont. Once in Vermont, I fought a polar bear, drank my weight in moutain dew and then confronted the Professor on the issue. Professor Katz told me "I haven't any idea, would you please put the gun down and leave me alone!?"


As Mr. Science's representative didn't know the answer, I thought that maybe Mr. Religion's representative would know. Unfortuantley The Pope is a little harder to get hold of thanks to the restraining order he put on me, and I can't stand of holy land after that pact I made with the devil, so the answer, like many of the answers I seek, will remain a mystery... but here's a nice picture I drew, which explains why the Martians are so pissed at us.


After Doomsday

So we're still alive... for now.

The Large Hadron Collider in Sweden (not to be confused with the Large Hardon Collider in Amsterdam) was turned on today and didn't create a black hole, but now it's up and running we can all live in constant fear of a lovely black hole death.


I wish someone would have told me that the chances of demise were that slim, as I did some things last night that will come back and bite me. I wont go into details but the words "Killing" and "Spree" give you some kind of idea of what went on...


Luckily I did get time to bury the evidence, but am hoping that the Large Hadron Collider kills us before Lou and I do the garden! Not because she'll find the bodies, but because I can't be arsed to do gardening, death via Black Hole sounds more fun than Gardening, unless it envolves Pinata...

Friday, 5 September 2008

Some questions... answered

I checked my e-mail today you'll be pleased to know, and amongst the usual dross (telling me I need a bigger penis, a harder penis, no penis or another penis) I had 2 e-mails from "fans" asking a question each, so I thought I'd answer them here.

Audrey Hippobottom, 13 from Scarborough, asks:
Did World War II really happen?

Now on looking at the question the answer seems pretty simple, a resounding YES! It did happen if video games, historical evidence and war movies are to be believed. But to make sure, I asked Monty Greuber (No relation to the Die Hard Gruebers) a world war II veteran if it happened.
Unfortunatly Monty's memory isn't what it used to be and he told me that he can't remember much of the war at all... does that mean that infact it may not have happened, maybe the government just used mass hypnosis so that everyone would end up disliking the Germans as much as they dislike the french?

Larry Leopardthigh, 48 from Long Itchington (found next to Short Scratchington) asked:
If you had to be a breakfast cereal mascot who would you choose to be out of "Honey Monster" "Tony the Tiger" and "Coco The Monkey"?

Well what you're really asking is what cereal do I like the most, as all three of them only eat their brand of cereal. They have it for breakfast, brunch, lunch, afternoon tea and dinner!

So, Honey Monster is straight out the equation, sure he's probably a hit with the lady as he's hung like a horse, but Sugar Puffs after the first 2 bowls taste like sugared cardboard (and I should know after spending two years living on the streets of Bournville, where everything is sugar coated except the black hearts of the residents!!!)

Coco the Monkey sounds like fun, I mean you get to swing about with your mates, and it's a pleasent enough tasting cereal. To change it up a bit you could suck all the chocolate off the coco pops before putting them in your bowl giving you rice crispies. And where the hell is Coco going to get all this bloody milk!?!? (well not bloody milk, that'd just be wrong) But the main reason it's a no no is the fact that recently Coco's been plagued by crocodiles, I mean you could never go for a swim for fear of being eaten/gang raped. And how selfish IS Coco, why the hell couldn't he share the coco puffs with the crocodiles anyway? These advertising tycoons need to answer me, I think they'll be joining Gerry Anderson, when I find where I put him...

Tony the Tiger it is then. Sure he has tooth cancer from years of sugary neglect and he's on the endangered species list, but Tigers are cool! Look at the Tamil Tigers... they're my favourite football team.

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Hidden Treasure

Thanks to the wonders that be "Eon" I am still on an electric meter at home. That's right folks, it's like a pay as you go phone, but when you run out of credit on your phone you can't text, when you run out of credit on your electric meter... people die.

So last night, realising that the electric meter was on an all time low (It had been binge drinking and slept with his brothers girlfriend, you can't get much lower than that) I decided to set my mobile phone's alarum (Alarum sounds better than alarm any day)

After 3 hours of going through menu's, reading the instructions and scowering the internet (all the time worrying the electric would cut out) I managed to set the phone's alarum. Then I turned my attention to my actual alarum clock, which is hooked up to the mains.

Why have an alarum that's hooked upto the mains you may or may not ask? Well, the one before my curent alarum clock, woke you up to a cock-a-doodle-doo, but when the batteries wore down, the cock-a-doodle-doo sounded more like some kind of cat/chicken monster that was after your soul. It sounded like the last noise you'd ever hear before being eaten by something particulary nasty. I woke up many a morning petrified of the sound of it. In the end I sold it to Dreamworks film studios's sound department, to voice a monster in one of there future films.

My alarum clock was purchased about 5 years ago, it sends you to sleep with the sounds of the seas side, or the sound of being in a rural place with crickets going off, or the sounds of the rainforest (which always make me need the toilet, who'd have thunk it that the sound of running water would do that?)

So I upturned my lil buddy to see if you could put batteries in the bottom, and low and behold you can. So I opened up the little slot to see what kind of batteries you can put in... and I found something I least expected.... well no, it wasn't what I least expected, I mean I would have least expected to find a minature village of talking horses. What I did find though, was £15!

A ten pound note and a five pound note, scrunched up.

What... the... hell?

I've had that alarum for 5 years, and never once remember putting £15 in there! I didn't even know you could put batteries in it. So now my mind is in overdrive trying to figure out where the hell the money came from.

I mean I took the alarum with me when I stayed round friends houses, and when I went travelling around the world, but I doubt anyone would have stuffed there life savings in there. Maybe my alarum is a drop off point for the local drug dealers, one person puts in some drugs, the other picks up the drugs and puts the money in. Does that mean I have drug money? £15 worth of drug money? Will the cops be after me?

Well, then another thought entered my head, maybe I put the money in there. But I can't remember doing it, so maybe I've not done it yet... Maybe in the "future" I create a time machine and travel back in time to give myself £15.

But why would I go to all that trouble for a meager ammount... Unless there is something I need to spend the money on, a company I need to invest in, or a homeless person I need to give the money to, who will then clean up his act and find a cure for cancer. Maybe the £15 is what I need to start funding my time-travel research program?

If I don't make the right decision, I could doom us all!!!!

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

What did John Tracy do?

International Rescue!!!
The most action packed, death defying job you could ever hope to have. The Thunderbirds save countless millions every year, and each member must get great satisfaction from there jobs and are adored by women the planet over...

But what about John?

John Tracy, for those of you who don't know, is the Thunderbird who lives on Thunderbird 5 (A space station) completly isolated from the rest of the world, just monitoring distress signals.

Surely with all the technological prowess that went into building the various vehicles, the island itself and all the gadgetry they had, they could have just made the computer onboard Thunderbird 5 monitor distress calls and forward them onto Jeff in his cosy playboy office, and John could have been an extra pair of hands.

Maybe Brains came up to Jeff Tracy and pointed this fact out, but Jeff had read too many books or seen too many films about how evil Artificial Intelligence can become? Or maybe John did something.

Maybe John, when he was studying at Harvard University, became a little too fond of the other men on the course and had an illict affair with the president of the united state's son, so to stop a scandal Jeff blasted his son off into space. Or John might have come home one day and found Jeff having his fun with Lady Penelope and Brains, and to shut him up, blasted his son off into space. Or perhaps John was just a really mean drunk?

Whatever happened, whatever he did, the poor sod was left to rott in outer space, whilst his brothers and father lived a hedonistic lifestyle. I'm suprised John didn't go stir crazy up there, with no other company but himself, and started to walk around naked and make sculptures from his poo? Or became bitter and decided to destroy the entire world from up-above? Or maybe he was just a really big pervert and spent his days watching people have sex from his observation booth?

Well I wanted to know, and who better to ask than Gerry Anderson. He didn't return any of my phone calls or reply to my e-mails!!! I thought that was a tad rude, so I went to his house, broke through his security (a jack russell) and kidnapped him, he's now tied up in my basement... wait... I don't have a basement... where the hell did I put him??

Well, I better figure out soon, as I've got his heart medicine...

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

The Replacement Cow

I turned on my tv last night and during a "comercial interlude" (Did I spell that correctly? Well I know I spelt THAT correctly, I meant Commerical... is it two m's or one m? Answers on the back of a postcard to : Adamicus 3rd, 16 Han Solo Ave, Kumquat, Kefeklhania)


I happened upon the new (and improved?) munch bunch advert. Now forgive me for being stupid, no please forgive me... But doesn't "Bunch" imply more than one? I mean the old Munch Bunch crew consisted of a "bunch" of fruit... Now however, they've removed these (scary?) fruit and replaced them with... a cow. And not a "bunch" of cows, just the one generic humanoid cow. (Which I find scarier than a "bunch" of talking fruit!)







Right... So the main draw to a fruit flavoured yoghurt is that it's got calcium in it, every kid's favourite ingredient.


Damn there collective capatilist hides! Stop trying to sell stuff to the Adults! When I was a kid, parents were pressured into buying things for us children, with the new generation of children missing out on this, they are being robbed of the heritage!!!

This is the Chocco Krispies incident all over again, why can't they leave well enough alone... sure I've not had munch bunch since I was a kid, but it still angers my hollow soul when they kill off a part of my childhood like they did when Opal Fruits ceased to be...

But I don't care, we all know they're Opal Fruits, and it'll be a cold cold day in hell when I recognise "Starburst" as there "real" name!

Friday, 29 August 2008

Are you prepared?

In this day and age, it's more likely to get blown up by a terrorist than say, be killed by a bear... but what if, in a bizarre twist, the terrorists decide to attack us... with bears!?

Sounds silly? Well a man once told me to expect the unexpected, I then spent 3 years in an insane asylum trying to figure out exactly how I was supposed to expect something that is unexpected, for if I expected the unexpected it would then be the expected, not the unexpected, and what I had expected to happen before would then become unexpected because I was expecting something else... the pills helped.

I believe the last thing that I think the "Government" is expecting are terrorist trained bears. I'm sure if you were to take a few pictures over afghanistan you'd see the Bear training camps, or maybe if you look on google maps and squint really hard over Iraq, you might see some.


Founder of the Scout Movement, Baden Powell, if that is his real name, told us to "be prepared", it remains a mystery as to what he wanted us to be prepared for, perhaps the Bears were what he was talking about? Well I like the cut of Powell's Jib. So, much to the protests of my long suffering lady friend, I have bear proofed our house.

To bear proof your house, you will need three things:
1 - a chair
2 - a tree
3 - a shotgun

Step 1 :
Put your chair in the tree, and sit in it with your shotgun

Step 2:
Wait for bears

Good luck! :D

Ode to Merlin

















I'll miss you lil' buddy,


you'll always be my friend,


I hoped that you'd grow up with us,


and be there till the end,


I miss your little cuddles,


and am sad that we're apart,


You'll always have a special place,


inside of my heart.

Thursday, 28 August 2008

Dreams?

The Gypsy Froghoff was telling me today that our dreams come from the stars, that when we sleep they speak to us. So the mystic's seem to think that dreams are the stars speaking to us, but I've never once spoken to Michael Cane and he's a star in my books.

Personally I think she's one girl short of a shoe factory, but it got me wondering, where DO our dreams come from...

So my first port of call was Wikipedia, as it's a bastion of knowledge and they pay me £10 everytime I mention them! Wikipedia informs us that dreams come from REM... But I'm sure people used to dream before the band formed.

So I called up my old friend Professor Katz again, from Oxford University, he explained to me that he was fed up of my questions and to leave him alone, he then began to cry for half an hour until I hung up and went out for a smoothee. Happy Days!

So in the end I am no closer to discovering the truth behind dreams, maybe it will remain a mystery or maybe I'll solve it one day, or maybe this is the dream and we're awake when we're dreaming, which doesn't make much sense gramatically but I know what I'm talking about.

Well I'd best get back to whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing.

Fave Animals

On God's green planet there are some interesting species of animals, and everyone has there favourties. Maybe you're a big fan of the Giraffe, or maybe you're more of a Lion fan. Well I have several favourite animals, but one of my most favourites has got to be...

The Elephant Seal.










I first encountered them on one of my many journeys around the world, on that particular adventure myself and Professor Humperdink, were tasked with finding an ancient sword that belonged to the King of Sudan... but that's a different story for another day.

The Elephant Seal is one ugly bastard, maybe that's why I like it, because although it's ugly and has bad breath it gets on with things, a lot like some humans I know.

HORRIBLE FACT: The Alpha Male is knicknamed "The Grandmaster" and when the mum's and dad's go for a swim, he goes and RAPE'S the children... um, thanks nature...

What ever happened to...

The Baby from "Labrynth?"
The 80's gave us some amazing films and some great music, among those films was a classic called Labrynth. If you have never seen/heard of Labrynth please proceed to hang yourself with a liquorice lace.
Now as a kid there was some pretty disturbing muppets in that film, and I pondered a while ago, how the film would have effected the actual baby that was kidnapped by "Goblin Bowie"

Well, I did a bit or research and thanks to Wikipedia and now I know...

Froud's son, Toby Froud, played the baby in Labyrinth, one of his father's works.[1] Toby Froud is currently studying filmmaking and special effects techniques in London. He is also apprenticed at the Muppet workshop in New York City, and on the set of the Lord of the Rings films in New Zealand. Also working as a stilt walker with a troupe in England

So, it seems that Froud didn't turn out to be a child killer/male prostitute or Marine Biologist like I'd thought he would have... but anyone who is a stilt walker or morris dancer, had to have had a pretty messed up childhood!

The London Experience


So my long suffering lady friend Louise, took me with her to London town. A hive of skum and villany the likes of which you have never seen.
We went there to watch Mamma Mia! the stage musical, at first I was apprehensive as I'm not the biggest Abba fan, not because I don't like there music, but because I was on tour with Abba once and we split over artistic differences... anyway... it was a great show!
What to do in London, was the questions we asked ourselves and the reply we got was "Madame Tussauds" (or however you spell it) and "The London Dungeon". So we got on to the tube and visited both Madame Tussauds and the London Dungeon, and both of them looked great from the outside... I say from the outside as we never went in due to the 2+ hour queues! And I know I'm British and our national past-time is waiting, but bugger that for a game of soldiers, so instead we went on a London Sight Seeing tour (on a double decker) and visited the National History Museum.
We went to Buckingham Palace and watched the changing of the guards, I wondered "Do there's heads go all the way to the top of those fluffy hats they wear" and Louise walked away from me as apparantly I was "embarrasing her" I don't see how, I may have been naked but it wasn't like I was shouting rude words or throwing my poo at the guards! Sometimes I don't understand women...

Halfway to 50 but where am I at?

Who'd have thunk that at the ripe old age of 25 I'd be where I am today, if you'd asked me when I was but a little lad I'd have said "By 25 I'll be a successful actor, in movies galore!"

Was I naive, or did I have the potential to achieve such a feat, but thanks to laziness on my part I could never achieve this? Well I asked a stranger in the street today that same question, her response was less than satisfactory... infact she called me a "wierdo" and ran away.

So I called up Oxford University and spoke to Professor Katz, he told me that he had no idea who I was and would I stop calling him or he'd inform the police.

With Professor Katz refusal I ventured into the Quarry and sought out Phil, the method actor. He had some success as a child actor and now lives like Obi Wan Kenobi, except he doesn't try to get ugly youths to follow him on some damned foolish crusade. He told me that although I didn't have the career I had expected, I had other things to be happy about. I have a house, a woman that loves me, friends and family... and a 360 with a HDTV.

I patted Phil on the back and thanked him for his help, then like the wise man he is, he vanished into the trees...