Friday, 22 April 2011

How I (nearly) died.

Last Sunday, I nearly died.

That's not an exaggeration on my part, it's an actual fact.

It was a sunny morning outside, birds were singing, children were playing and chavs were drinking. I could see all of it from the safety of my freezing cold house. It's strange but if you stay inside on a sunny day, in my house anyway, it's actually really cold! But when you step outside the front door it's boiling. Probably all those dead people that are buried under my house making it as cold as it is... anyway....

I was home alone and was eating the breakfast of champions, that is Nutella on Toast with a cup of tea. I love, by the way, how on the back of the Nutella jar it states that Nutella is actually good for you as it has 2 whole hazelnuts in each portion you apply to your toast. Yeah, Nutella is the corner stone of any healthy diet, any nutritionist will tell you that!

So as there was nothing on the television to zone out to, I went into my study and put on Youtube, and to my delight they had 10 O'clock Live one, which is something I enjoy to watch. (Except when they stumble over the lines they're reading off of their Autocue. Here's looking at you Mitchell!)

Men cannot Multi-Task, that's science! However I threw caution to the wind and decided to watch, eat and drink at the same time. I did however do an extra something, I decided to breathe. Which on it's own isn't a bad thing, but when you're simultaneously drinking and eating, it's not advisable... as I was about to find out.

A piece of Nutella laden became lodged in my throat, and I lost the ability to breath. Panic set in, as did the blood rushing to my head. This isn't the first time I've nearly died. When I was enjoying white-water rafting on a river in Turkey, I nearly drowned, so I'd already had the whole life flashing before my eyes but this time was different. This time I was thinking "Great, so this is how you die. This is how Adamicus the 3rd will go out. Choked to death on toast!"

There are worse fates I guess, however this was a pretty nasty one. My thoughts went to that of my Long Suffering Lady Wife and Mother To Be Louise, what of her and our little unborn child. What would happen to them? If I wasn't around, who would mess up that child's life!?

I staggered out of the study and decided to go seek help, I was thinking quite clearly for a man who couldn't breathe, which I'm impressed with if I do say so myself. If my front door had of been locked... I'd not be writing this blog right now, but luckily it had been left open when Louise had left for work that morning.

I could feel myself turning purple as I got onto the pavement and scanned the streets for people and luckily a random guy could see my particular colour wasn't quite normal and came over to help. With a few sturdy slaps to the back from the good Samaritan, that piece of toast flew from my throat and landed limply in the grass. The colour went from my face and I thanked the man who simply said "No worries" and walked off.

I'd like to say I have a different view on life now, I'd like to say I'm going to live every day like it's last. But instead I'm carrying on as normal. In fact after I nearly died, do you know what the first thing I did was?

I went up stairs and carried on doing what I did before, but this time eating smaller morsels of toast.

What an idiot.

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Return of the Journal

Return of the Journal

Well, hello stranger! It's only taken me what I can only guess was several months to get this flaming journal back!

I'd been sleeping you see, something that I don't tend to do much for fear of being eaten, killed, captured or eaten. Somehow I'd managed to sleep through the alarm, which consisted of a bottle of ketchup (there are loads of them littering the streets for some reason) perched on the top of a bookcase in my shack. I knock it over just before I go to sleep underneath it, and usually by the time the ketchup has run out the bottle and hit me on the face, it's morning.

So sleeping through the alarm meant that I was covered in Ketchup. When I awoke I thought I had been attacked, and it took me a few minutes to stop running around my shack before I realised that my blood smelt exactly like the ketchup that was my alarm clock.

Looking around I realised instantly that something was amiss, due to the fact that my things were missing. But they hadn't left me completely empty handed, oh no, they'd done a massive dump by the door. I swore on that dump that I'd have my revenge!!

Without this journal, my mind started to get worse and worse. I think writing about what has happened to me and my loved ones and my not so loved ones, is helping me to cope with the utter pointlessness of the situation... who knows?

I kinda blacked out and when I came too I was madder than a blind man at a strip show... It was then I realised I'd killed another person, but I couldn't, and still don't, remember who it was... I'm sure it'll come back to me. I think whoever it was, was the person who had my journal, as that was what I was holding in my hands!

My sanity, or whatever you can call sanity these days, seemed to return to me and I decided straight away to find a pen/pencil/chalk/blood/poo to write an entry!

Oh, I've missed you my little companion, and you'll be glad to know I found one of the former to write this entry in with.

Well, I need to look over where I'd got to so I can get you to where I am now, eventually...