Monday, 16 November 2009

May Contain Nuts

Upon inspecting most foodstuffs nowerdays, you'll find a warning. No it's not that government "salt awareness" campaign... all though. I'm just waiting for the Government to get together with the people who make the "THINK" adverts.

I can imagine that advert now... you see a garden... and a voiceover comes on "Sidney, knew his killer"... then you see some kid throw some salt into the garden and it hits Sidney who is a slug... the word SALT comes up in big letters. "The biggest killer since the invention of the bear"

Anyway, I digress, as per usual... The warning is this. "MAY CONTAIN NUTS", and you'll find it on everything from chocolate bars to beef burgers and even on packets of nuts!

I'd hate to be allergic to nuts, 90% of all the products out there have that warning that they may contain nuts, as they're made in the same factory as nut products... so why are all these products being made in nut factories? Why can't all the nut products be made in one factory, and then all the other sorts of products made in seperate ones. Like an apple factory for all apple based foods, or a milk factory for anyting that has milk in it.... I'd say Chocolate factory, but they tend to be run by paedophiles... Charlie found out that the hard way bless him...

What worries me the most is the fact that these people don't know IF there are nuts in their products... what are these factories like that they can't guarantee non-cross-contamination? Do these factories have all their nuts on a large conveyor belt with holes in it, suspended above all the other conveyor belts with the other products on them? Or are these workers in the factories sadistic people who slip nuts into 1 in 10 products? Or is it more sinister...

Lady and Gentleman that read my ramblings...

I reveal the truth behind the May Contain Nuts conspiracy...

I have found evidence that the nut companies run everything, from the prices of oil to what music is released. They're behind every political assassination ever, and why? You ever hear of the New World Order? Well these guys are the Nut World Order, they have created a chemcial that makes people allergic to nuts, and have slowly been putting into various countries water supplies... turning average people into non-nut eating folk. Then the companies have been placing nuts into every food stuff on earth. Their goal? To kill off a percentage of the population so that they may control the remenants! They've been doing it for years, slowly killing us off one by one.

I'm putting myself on the line just saying this... please, you must unite against the nut companies for they are evil... oh shit... they've found me... they're coming up the stairs... oh no! They're in the room and instead of running or doing something I am writing everything that is happening... even putting in extra full stops and exclamation marks to make this more dramatic! I'll probably stop halfway through a word to make it look even wo

[Editorial Note: None of these events happened, please return back to your regular mundane internet browsing, everything is good in life. Eat Nuts.]

Dr. Who? No.. really? Who?

I'm a fan of Dr. Who, let me just put that in writing so that I may be mocked like any time that I put DJ Hero on when my wife is around.
The Waters Of Mars, the latest yarn provided for our enjoyment, turned out to be, in my opinion, as wet as the villains. Now if you've already read any of my ramblings, then you know I'm an idiot, so feel free to disagree with me... but remember, if you disagree with me now, I'll remember... and when you need me to agree with you when you need it most, I may just have to disagree to spite you.
The premise is simple, The Doctor decides to goto Mars. Why? Because he's lost everyone he ever cared about and is fed up of the porn the Tardis picks up I guess. So he happens to be on the planet the same day that the first human colony on mars blows up.
Two of the colonists are in the botony part of the colony, growing vegetables, when one of them decides to eat a carrot. So the BBC have just undone countless years of parents work to promote vegetables as being good for you... instead children who watched that last night, will believe eating carrots can cause you to become ludicrous water based parasitic zombie things. Thanks Russel T Davies... thanks a lot.
When The Doctor meets the colonists, what follows is the laziest plot device ever. He learns the name of one character, then we see a shot of a BBC webpage with the character's profile on it... which then zooms in to a deep DOO sound three times. This happens for each character, and there are about six people in the room. It was comically bad, and each time I expected the DOO to go into the Eastenders theme tune... infact it was the exact sound they use at the end of an episode in Eastenders.
Plus there was a guy who operated a robot, so why did the Captain call the robot by a name as oppose to by the name of the guy who is operating it? Surely if a robot is being piloted, you'd speak to the operator, not the computer. That'd be like me going up to someone at work and talking to their computer, and waiting for their computer to e-mail me with the answer.
So the villains were laughable, and the direction terrible, however the Doctor had a dark turn at the end which was an interesting devlopement for the character as Tennant's Doctor has danced across the lines of good and bad.
My main problem with this who at the moment is that it doesn't know WHO it's trying to appease. It tries hard to make itself credible with large story arcs and drives home messages or plays with emotions so that the adults will be impressed, but then goes the other way and downplays the horror or drama so that the kiddies wont get scared.
Dr. Who has always been a program designed for young adults in my opinion, I used to be scared of the baddies in it, and I'm sure it does have the effect on the kids today, but I feel that because it's trying to appease both adults and children it's not capitalizing on what is a great character and an amazing franchise!
Ah well, if the BBC didn't have a restraining order on me, I'd tell them to their faces, instead of writing it here.

The Soldiers and friends...

If you ever read a paper, or turn on the news, or have anything news related sent to your iphone/email/carrier pigeon, then you'll probably know about the lacking funds in our military.

It seems that our troops who are out there in the deserts of wherever country has the oil at the moment, have less funding than your average field mouse, and take it from me, field mice have very little in the way of capital these days...

Well they must be hard up, as it seem that a new vocal band comprised of soliders has come out, hot on the now artic heat that is the heels of Robson and Gerome... who for all intenses were not really soldiers.

They chose to call themselves simply "The Soldiers" to avoid any confusion, and it seems to have worked. I've heard a song of theirs, but just can't take them seriously. I mean, they sing a soulful song about soldiers lives... but I can't seem to actually sympathise as at the end of the day, these guys are trained killers. I look at them wondering, hmm... how many people have you killed.

I'd hate to be up against them in the charts however, as I say these guys are trained killers. If you cross them, they probably know at least eight ways to kill you.

Inspired perhaps by these guys, the most famous man on the planet next to Jack Bauer, is releasing a christmas song... I'm talking about the guy who makes bears shit in the woods. Yes the Pope.

He's releasing a song for xmas. So this is a bad bad time to be in the music industry. If you want to release a song, you have to go up against The Soldiers who could kill you, The Pope who could damn you and Simon Cowell's army of stooges who could destroy everything you held dear about the music industry!