Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Happy Christmas

Well, I'm signing off for Christmas, I hope you have a good one and I'll be back after the new year! :D

Friday, 4 December 2009

Zombie Survival - Finale

Alexis and I hurried down the corridor towards where Royston had gone, shotguns in hand, ready to pump a few shells into some undead. It was still darker than an episode of the Moomins, but I felt we could take on anything we came across as now we were fully armed and so close to the end of our journey.

At the end of the corridor, we came across a large door. It had some writing on it, but it was too dark to see what the hell it said, so naturally we opened the door and went in. It was pitch black inside the room we'd just entered so I felt along the wall until I found a light switch.

I whinced at the bright light, but as soon as my eyes had become adjusted I saw where we were. The holding pens. This is where all the scientists had been experimenting on the islanders, and a large ammount of zombified subjects were now looking at us from the other side of their cages, moaning loudly with their arms poking out trying to grab onto us. I imagine that that is what it feels like to be a woman on a night out up town.

At the far end of the room was a large computer monitor and a doorway with a bar across it. Infront of the door was Royston lying face down. We hurried over to him and prodded him with our shotguns. He was out cold.

Alexis pulled out the blueprints for the facility from his coat pocket "That door leads to the roof, I wonder why it's been closed off?" Curisoty killed the cat, I reminded him as I saw to Royston... by seeing to him, I mean bringing him round... as in arousing him... from his slumber! As I did this, Alexis took the bar off the door, and Royston woke up and had just enough time to shout "NO!!" before the door opened outwards and the familar claws of Pope grabbed onto Alexis's head, twisted and pulled away.

His headless corpse floundered for a moment then hit the deck like a sailor in a storm. Royston and I rushed the door and put the bar back across. "I.. I fended her off, and locked her out there, but I slipped and banged my head as I couldn't see where I was going in the dark. But, I was speaking to Polly... he's on this monitor!"

Sure enough, after Royston had a bit of a fiddle... with the monitor... the familiar crazed face of Polly came up. "Ahh, you're back! I managed to summon a rescue! A helicopter is going to pick us up. It'll be here really soon! I also found this failsafe, I'm about to press it. I just hope those scientists who placed this failsafe system knew what they were doing"

They didn't.

Polly pressed the fail safe button! At last, all those undead monstrosities would be dead for sure... well not quite. You see the fail safe system that the scientists had put in place was useless. They'd hidden toxic gas cannisters all over the island, and when the fail safe button was pressed it released the gas... however, it didn't affect the un-dead as they don't breathe. Great! So now, not only did we have the regular undead, the irregular undead like Pope and my bro to deal with, but now we also had deadly gas all over the island. At least Alexis had killed Bray, that was one less thing in the encyclopedia of things to worry about.

Polly, confused by the lack of zombie death, looked up at the camera and shrugged, but in that split second he was looking at the camera, my brother had appeared from nowhere and bit into his neck. Blood splattered over the camera lens and then it went dead. Just like Polly.

Royston slammed his stump onto the wall in anger, and then immediatly regretted doing it. "What now!?" he asked, rubbing his stump. The only thing on my mind was escape, escape from this disaster of an experiment. What the hell had I been thinking!? This was worse than that time I tried being a politician for a week and ended up starting the conflict in Iran!

"It's over" I said "We just have to get out of here". Royston nodded, but then looked at me and slowly muttered "What about Milli?" I'd forgotten all about that scottish bundle of energy in the last few moments, but now that the toxic gas had been released, if she was still on the island, she would be dead for sure, or un-dead if the zombies had gotten to her. I shook my head in regret and Royston understood. With his good hand, he grabbed the blueprint for the facility from Alexis's headless corpse.

"Before Polly died he signalled a resuce, the helicopter should be here soon and will be picking us up from the roof, so if we go up these stairs, get to the choppa, we'll get the hell out of here and be home in time to watch X-Factor." Royston summarised. I shuddered at the thought, I didn't know what was worse, spending more time on an island with the shambling dead, or watching X-Factor.

I opened the door and had a look for Pope, she was nowhere to be seen thank god, so Royston and I ran for it up the stairs as fast as we could. At last the nightmare would be over... Sure enough, it wasn't as easy as I thought it'd be. It never is. There, standing on the heli-pad, in his best gloat stance, was my evil brother, Kristofus.

"Well done, well done. You've made it this far, and you've brought me some transport. I intend to take my virus to the mainland and make everyone into my children." For a gay man, he seemed to like the idea of being a dad quite a bit. Is that odd? I digress.

So there was me, Royston and Kristofus on the roof of the facility. He was now some kind of superzombie, but superzombie or no, surely he'd be no match for the shotgun I was wielding. I raised it up and just before I shot tried to come up with a witty line, the only thing that came to mind was "merry christmas"... I don't really get why, and it had no relevance to anything that I'd been through, and there's wont be another moment where I get to say a pithy one liner before firing a gun. That's my biggest regret so far.

I'd never fired a shotgun, and it was obvious when I shot, as I flew backwards and landed on the floor. I scrambled to my feet to see that Kristofus was un-harmed and now Royston was un-armed... by that I mean, I'd taken off his arm with the shotgun blast.
"You stupid C**T!" he screamed, as I tried to reload. But my brother wasn't having any of it.

Using what I presume was his mind powers, he lifted me in the air and started choking me Darth Vader style. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, and was depressed to see that 70% of it was spent watching tv or playing computer games, but it did remind me of some old tv shows that I'd not seen in a while which I thought that I must really pick up on DVD.

I was about to die, when I noticed Royston pick himself up, and run full pelt at my brother, he made contact and they both went over the edge of the building and I was released from my brothers grasp.

My whole body ached (for the 25th time that week) as I stood up and walked over to the edge of the roof. Peering down I saw Kristofus and Royston impaled on a flag pole... both of them dead. I went back for my shotgun, reloaded and kept an eye out for Pope, or any other un-dead that would be after my saved bacon. In a matter of minutes I heard the helicopter, and I also saw the islanders. Running from all directions towards my location.

I heard them coming up the stairs, and unloaded a few shells into the crowd. The helicopter landed and I heard a familar voice "Addy, get in!!"

It was Milli. How the hell had she done it? The scottish power house had managed to get a helicopter!?!? I ran for it and clambered inside the helicopter... but not before another familar face got on board... It was Polly. I was kind of happy to see that like me Polly hadn't taken on any special abilities when he'd turned undead.

"Hold on to something" Milli shouted as she lifted the helicopter off the ground and tilted it, so both Polly and I started sliding out the side. I managed to grab on at the last second and Polly went falling to the ground with a confused look on his face. "Sorry about that, had to get rid of the dead weight." I was slightly annoyed at her quip, but buckled myself in the co-pilot chair.

I asked Milli what had happened, how she had managed to get a helicopter. She explained to me "Well, I had managed to get off the island in a boat, but out of nowhere a missile came and blew it up, I managed to get off in time. So there I was in the ocean, and I'm not very good at swimming, being scottish and all... well anyway, a helicopter came over as they'd tracked the missile launch and wanted to investigate. They found me, and took me back to the mainland, which isn't that far away. Well when I got back I told them about what was on the island, and they laughed at me. I decided I had to get proof, so stole a helicopter and a camera and was coming back to take pictures when I got Polly's message. Oh and I'm not very happy with you you big gay blade! You're going to have to explain to everyone what happened on this island, and that you were responsible for it all! You're going to hell you know that right?"

She was right, I didn't feel like I deserved to get off that Island in one piece. I turned to Milli and asked "what now?" she opened her mouth to say something, when she was ripped out of the cockpit by zombie Pope. I grabbed onto Milli's feet, but Pope was too strong, Milli was took off by Pope and left me holding onto Milli's shoes, and with a helicopter to pilot.

So I'm going down... in the helicopter. I don't know how to pilot it and I'm going to die. Maybe this is for the best, I just hope someone gets this message so that they can blow the shit out of that island. I was so stupid to mess with the forces of evil, and subject my friends to abject horror. It seems years ago since I first got to this Island with my friends, and one thing I want you to all know is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've done and I hope that

[Transmission Lost]

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Merry Christmas Everyone

The funniest, and also most frightening music video for Christmas is Shakin Steven's "Merry Christmas Everyone"

Every year, I pray that I'll get to see this messed up music video. I love the song, but the video is just plane creepy. I'll put a link down the bottom so you can check it out on YouTube to see if it's just my warped brain that finds this so disturbing.

Okay, so it starts out ok, a nice shot of Lapland? Then you see Mr. Shakin, and he's all cosy in his little red scarf. After attacking a Christmas tree, he then gets onto a sleigh pulled by a mentally disabled elf who takes him to meet "Santa". Or at least a man who claims to be Santa.

This is where it really begins to go downhill, for as soon as Mr. Shakin's arms are in shot, they begin to show they have signs of life, and he points to a reef across the door when he talks about kissing under mistletoe... The guy dressed as Santa seems to enjoy that idea.

Now Mr. Shakin has infiltrated Santa's workshop, and his lower arms begin to move separately from the rest of his body. This is how I'd imagine a T-Rex would dance.
Next is the first of several uncomfortable moments, as he puts his arms on a kids shoulders and holds on to him as he sings about how he wishes every day was Christmas, then looks into the camera and says how "what a nice time to spend the year". Am I the only person who is now thinking that Mr. Shakin is dodgy??

Next we're treated to a montage. A kid with "Santa", several ugly children hitting things with tiny hammers or laughing, shots of animatronic elves with soulless eyes watching the proceedings and then we see a conveyor belt with the worst toys ever made. If any kid received one of those presents on Christmas, I think they would have killed their parents in their sleep.

Anyway, onto the next disturbing shot, as we see Mr. Shakin standing next to a Christmas tree with a little girl sitting uncomfortably in front of the tree with a poorly wrapped present in her hands. Mr. Shakin proceeds with his dinosaur dancing impression, points at the girl and kisses her just before it cuts. Now I've watched this video several times, and you NEVER SEE THAT GIRL EVER AGAIN! In fact, you never see the first kid he was with again either... hmm...

Next it goes to some children having a snowball fight, having a good time... but you know it's not going to last for two reasons. The first reason being that the snowman they're playing around is blatantly a person in costume, so there are even more sinister undertones as to why someone has dressed up and is watching the children without them being any the wiser. The second reason being, that the Peado sledge arrives over the ridge, bringing with it "Santa" and Mr. Shakin.

Mr. Shakin soon joins in with the frivolity throwing his balls at the children... snowballs I'm talking about. Sensing that their is another sexual predator about he hits the snowman with a snowball, and the snowman chases him as best as he can in a large snowman suit whilst "Santa" keeps a lookout for the police or the children's parents.

Mr. Shakin falls over, on purpose of course, and one kid gets a shot in. Then he's knocked over by the Snowman, before we see him escaping downhill... probably to get the police.

"Santa" and Mr. Shakin are next seen at nightfall, looking pretty pleased with themselves, and obviously on the look out for more children. At this point, I'm thinking that Mr. Shakin is actually scarier than the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang. We then see the pair inside "Santa's" house, where Santa has a child on each knee and uses some dodgy hand movements which makes me think he's talking about the size of his cock, Mr. Shakin looks on with one hand in his pocket as he ruts back and forth like he's in mothercare. {Shudder}
However everything ends well. The children have organised themselves into a mob, complete with flaming sticks! And make sure that Mr. Shakin is extradited, where as "Santa" and the snowman will no doubt face criminal charges and some serious prison time there in Lapland. We last see him as he's being taken away by the mentally handicapped chief of police elf woman and it fades to black.

IS it just me? You decide.


Monday, 16 November 2009

May Contain Nuts

Upon inspecting most foodstuffs nowerdays, you'll find a warning. No it's not that government "salt awareness" campaign... all though. I'm just waiting for the Government to get together with the people who make the "THINK" adverts.

I can imagine that advert now... you see a garden... and a voiceover comes on "Sidney, knew his killer"... then you see some kid throw some salt into the garden and it hits Sidney who is a slug... the word SALT comes up in big letters. "The biggest killer since the invention of the bear"

Anyway, I digress, as per usual... The warning is this. "MAY CONTAIN NUTS", and you'll find it on everything from chocolate bars to beef burgers and even on packets of nuts!

I'd hate to be allergic to nuts, 90% of all the products out there have that warning that they may contain nuts, as they're made in the same factory as nut products... so why are all these products being made in nut factories? Why can't all the nut products be made in one factory, and then all the other sorts of products made in seperate ones. Like an apple factory for all apple based foods, or a milk factory for anyting that has milk in it.... I'd say Chocolate factory, but they tend to be run by paedophiles... Charlie found out that the hard way bless him...

What worries me the most is the fact that these people don't know IF there are nuts in their products... what are these factories like that they can't guarantee non-cross-contamination? Do these factories have all their nuts on a large conveyor belt with holes in it, suspended above all the other conveyor belts with the other products on them? Or are these workers in the factories sadistic people who slip nuts into 1 in 10 products? Or is it more sinister...

Lady and Gentleman that read my ramblings...

I reveal the truth behind the May Contain Nuts conspiracy...

I have found evidence that the nut companies run everything, from the prices of oil to what music is released. They're behind every political assassination ever, and why? You ever hear of the New World Order? Well these guys are the Nut World Order, they have created a chemcial that makes people allergic to nuts, and have slowly been putting into various countries water supplies... turning average people into non-nut eating folk. Then the companies have been placing nuts into every food stuff on earth. Their goal? To kill off a percentage of the population so that they may control the remenants! They've been doing it for years, slowly killing us off one by one.

I'm putting myself on the line just saying this... please, you must unite against the nut companies for they are evil... oh shit... they've found me... they're coming up the stairs... oh no! They're in the room and instead of running or doing something I am writing everything that is happening... even putting in extra full stops and exclamation marks to make this more dramatic! I'll probably stop halfway through a word to make it look even wo

[Editorial Note: None of these events happened, please return back to your regular mundane internet browsing, everything is good in life. Eat Nuts.]

Dr. Who? No.. really? Who?

I'm a fan of Dr. Who, let me just put that in writing so that I may be mocked like any time that I put DJ Hero on when my wife is around.
The Waters Of Mars, the latest yarn provided for our enjoyment, turned out to be, in my opinion, as wet as the villains. Now if you've already read any of my ramblings, then you know I'm an idiot, so feel free to disagree with me... but remember, if you disagree with me now, I'll remember... and when you need me to agree with you when you need it most, I may just have to disagree to spite you.
The premise is simple, The Doctor decides to goto Mars. Why? Because he's lost everyone he ever cared about and is fed up of the porn the Tardis picks up I guess. So he happens to be on the planet the same day that the first human colony on mars blows up.
Two of the colonists are in the botony part of the colony, growing vegetables, when one of them decides to eat a carrot. So the BBC have just undone countless years of parents work to promote vegetables as being good for you... instead children who watched that last night, will believe eating carrots can cause you to become ludicrous water based parasitic zombie things. Thanks Russel T Davies... thanks a lot.
When The Doctor meets the colonists, what follows is the laziest plot device ever. He learns the name of one character, then we see a shot of a BBC webpage with the character's profile on it... which then zooms in to a deep DOO sound three times. This happens for each character, and there are about six people in the room. It was comically bad, and each time I expected the DOO to go into the Eastenders theme tune... infact it was the exact sound they use at the end of an episode in Eastenders.
Plus there was a guy who operated a robot, so why did the Captain call the robot by a name as oppose to by the name of the guy who is operating it? Surely if a robot is being piloted, you'd speak to the operator, not the computer. That'd be like me going up to someone at work and talking to their computer, and waiting for their computer to e-mail me with the answer.
So the villains were laughable, and the direction terrible, however the Doctor had a dark turn at the end which was an interesting devlopement for the character as Tennant's Doctor has danced across the lines of good and bad.
My main problem with this who at the moment is that it doesn't know WHO it's trying to appease. It tries hard to make itself credible with large story arcs and drives home messages or plays with emotions so that the adults will be impressed, but then goes the other way and downplays the horror or drama so that the kiddies wont get scared.
Dr. Who has always been a program designed for young adults in my opinion, I used to be scared of the baddies in it, and I'm sure it does have the effect on the kids today, but I feel that because it's trying to appease both adults and children it's not capitalizing on what is a great character and an amazing franchise!
Ah well, if the BBC didn't have a restraining order on me, I'd tell them to their faces, instead of writing it here.

The Soldiers and friends...

If you ever read a paper, or turn on the news, or have anything news related sent to your iphone/email/carrier pigeon, then you'll probably know about the lacking funds in our military.

It seems that our troops who are out there in the deserts of wherever country has the oil at the moment, have less funding than your average field mouse, and take it from me, field mice have very little in the way of capital these days...

Well they must be hard up, as it seem that a new vocal band comprised of soliders has come out, hot on the now artic heat that is the heels of Robson and Gerome... who for all intenses were not really soldiers.

They chose to call themselves simply "The Soldiers" to avoid any confusion, and it seems to have worked. I've heard a song of theirs, but just can't take them seriously. I mean, they sing a soulful song about soldiers lives... but I can't seem to actually sympathise as at the end of the day, these guys are trained killers. I look at them wondering, hmm... how many people have you killed.

I'd hate to be up against them in the charts however, as I say these guys are trained killers. If you cross them, they probably know at least eight ways to kill you.

Inspired perhaps by these guys, the most famous man on the planet next to Jack Bauer, is releasing a christmas song... I'm talking about the guy who makes bears shit in the woods. Yes the Pope.

He's releasing a song for xmas. So this is a bad bad time to be in the music industry. If you want to release a song, you have to go up against The Soldiers who could kill you, The Pope who could damn you and Simon Cowell's army of stooges who could destroy everything you held dear about the music industry!

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Zombie Survival : Almost there...

Being hauled up in a small room whilst hearing the relentless moans of the undead makes you really appreciate the little things in life that you wouldn't have appreciated before hand, like walking in the rain, or hot dinners or not hearing the relentless moans of the undead whilst waiting your inevitable demise.

Last you heard from me, my diabloical brother had taken control of the Laboratories and blown off poor Royston... sorry, poor Royston's hand. I had wondered how my brother had gotten to the laboratories before us, but it seems that he rode my zombified friend Pope (careful)... who had devleoped wings. Royston came too and was in agony due to a lack of hand, Polly was slowly loosing any composure that he had had thanks to the constant moaning and grunting coming from outside... it was like waking up in the middle of the night to wonder if daddy was hurting mummy again.

I was at the end of my tether, and was growing increasing rattled by the sounds outside. I suddenly lost my temper and kicked over a bin... which conviniently was hiding a hatch... yeah... convinient wasn't it? We sprang into action, like a... sprang, and opened the hatch, sure enough it lead to the sewer system... which if my knowledge of Sanitary Systems was correct, would lead us to the Laboratory! and from there we could pull the switch that was the fail safe for the island.

If you've ever seen the shawshank redemption you can appreciate what Polly, Royston and myself had to go through... no not prison life, or being soddomised, I mean crawling through shit and god knows what, till we finally reached our destination.

We came out in a shower cubicle, which thankfully was un-occupied. All the lights in the place were out, and if we had dropped a pin you would have heard it... drop. The eerie silence was split by Royston letting out a nervous fart. Outside the cubicles were several corridors, Polly suggested we split up, which in hindsight was a pretty bad idea, but at the time sounded good.

So we went our seperate ways, I chose to go down the darkest of the corridors, as I thought that if I couldn't see the zombies then they couldn't see me. The laboratories were empty of zombie life however, there was nothing remotely shambling in sight. I felt my way along the corridor till I came to a door with a sign on it. I couldn't quite make it out, but I opened the door anyway.

I had made my way into a control room! There were various different pc's monitoring things, and then it struck me... not an idea, I mean, Braymachine. He had been following me up the corridor. I flew over to the other side of the room as the hulking hulk of a zombie beared down upon me. I thought that my life was surely over and that you my long suffering readers would never know the fate of the island, if you indeed still cared.

But as Braymachine raised those enormous fists, to pound me, he gasped as a steel rod flew through his head. He slumped down ontop of me and nearly crushed me, but I wriggled free in moments.

Standing over the corpse was Alexis. I couldn't believe it! He told me that he had lied about being a zombie when he bit my brother... which made no sense, as he had actually turned my brother into a zombie... but Alexis told me he had not ime to explain.

He pulled out a chair and began to type at the keyboard, suddenly a radar turned up on the screen, and we saw the island, and a small blip moving away from the island.

"It must be some kind of a boat" Alexis said "We can't let anybody leave this island!!"

So Alexis pressed a button, which he told me had just launched a missile at the boat... at this point I didn't know what to believe, he was obviously unsure himself what was the truth anymore... I just hoped that if anybody WAS in that boat that it wasn't anyone I knew.

Alexis managed to bring up a floor plan... somehow!? and it showed that Polly had gone the right way to the fail safe switch... but Royston... Royston had gone straight into the heart of the facility... where all the zombies were.

Alexis opened up a cupboard and chucked me a shotgun. This time, it was time, to save Royston, before he became something other than human. Hopefully Polly would be able to pull the fail safe switch, and my brother would be none the wiser... then again... he's psychic now, which at the time, I'd forgotten...

Halloween Horror Films : Boo

Ok, this is one I've been meaning to talk about for sometime.
Some horror films are bad, but so bad that they are funny, and there's a sick part inside of me that seems to appreciate bad horror films as a unintentional comedy classics.

However, some horror films, are so bad, they are terrible. Which brings me onto Boo, which is probably the worst horror film ever made.

The premise, a bunch of kids go to stay in a haunted hospital overnight, a friend of the boys has already gone inside to set "spooky" traps to scare the girls, so the guys can get laid I guess. Plus we get the story of an ex-cop/movie star (I kid you not) and some long haired guy who's sister has gone missing. The only decent character in the movie is the ex-cop/movie star, and he's under-used.

The plot is stupid, the scares are non-existent, and for some reason everyone keeps melting. Oh, but the main gripe I have is the continuity. One scene a guy gets shot in the arm, the next few scenes after he's just walking around as if nothing has happened. Now, I'm not sure what happens when you get shot in the arm, so maybe that IS how you react.

To find out, I've purchased a gun and will try to continue the rest of this short take on the film with a bullet wound. Here goes.

Holy shit that hurts. I'm typing one handed at the moment... ohh feeling dizzy...

The cast are unlikeable at best, and the story is really... really predictable... One thing that really pisses me off about this though is there's a bit with the ex-cop/movie star guy right near the beginning, where you see his (film?) and in it he lights a match and kicks it at "Blackula" killing him.

Then, there's a bit later where he has the chance to use this move on a villain, only for the match to fizzle out. What a waste of film!

My eyes, are a bit blurry so sorry for spelling... jeeze this hurts...

There's a ghost dog bit that probably cost them more to do than the whole film which is an ok special effect but doesn't do anything for the overall film.

If you're going to watch a horror film, there's a similar but highly superior film "House on Haunted Hill" which has a similar premise and a bit where a guy gets pencils through his eyes... awesome... and unlike this shit, he's not walking around the next scene as if nothing happened!

Yeah so don't watch this movie... I'm off to the hospita...

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Zombie Survival - Milli's Entry

Ohh dearie me... I don't know who will get this message in a bottle, but my name is Milli and I was part of a sick experiment by my so called friend Adamicus. He's turned Braymachine and Pope into scary things and I have no idea where they are now. The whole Island is over run by horror movie cliche's.

As I'm scottish, I'm usually lured to remote Islands by friends in hope that I'll be killed, but I never expected something like this to happen.

Luckily, after I lost Adamicus, I came across a jetty, and there was a boat. So I've finally found a way off of this Island, just in time really as I'm running low of Irn Bru!

I've decided to get in the boat and go for help, as I'm sure Royston and Polly are still on the island... as for Adamicus, I hope he's dead or worse.

Love Milli x

Halloween Horror Films: Trick R Treat

Back in the history of horror films, there was the morality tale, a warning that if you wern't good then you'd end up being killed or worse. They were the kind of films that they should show children at a very very young age, to deter them from doing anything at all wicked. Tales from the Crypt was a show dedicated to these kind of tales. Where you'd have some person who'd wronged someone else and end up getting their just desserts.

Sam Raimi's seminal Drag Me To Hell was a whole film dedicated to a morality tale, but usually these morality tales are short stories which are compiled into one film with three or four parts.

Creepshow was one such film that gave us some great little stories all in one package, and Stephen King's Cat's Eyes was another that had some great plots and interesting ideas.

So this brings me onto Trick R Treat, a film with five short horror stories, but this one differs from the usual formula, as all of them happen in the same town, on halloween night and are all interwoven.

None of the stories are scary, but they're all decent stories none-the-less. The character that is in all the stories is a little creature called Sam, who represents the spirit of Halloween. He's a little kid with a burlap sack over his head, and does look creepy. I'd like to see more of him in the future, but was a little dissapointed at the reveal of what's under the mask.

Brian Cox was especially fun to watch too, and I was racking my brain trying to figure out why he deserved the treatment he was getting, other than being a grumpy old guy there seemed to be nothing wrong with him. I was happy for the payoff of his story.

The whole thing is very enjoyable and has high production values. You won't be hiding behind your sofa, but the writing and subtle twists make it a pleasure to watch.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Halloween Horror Films : Drag Me To Hell

With Halloween impending, I'll be letting you know about some films to watch and films to avoid for the season of the witch.

First off I'd like to start with the latest film from Horror legend Sami Raimi. Mr. Raimi brought us classics like the Evil Dead films, the remake of The Grudge for american viewers and he did the Spider Man Films (don't hold Spiderman 3 against him!)

Like Kunta Kinte, Raimi has gone back to his roots with a spectacular horror movie which goes to show you should never f**k with a gypsy.

Here's the Wikipedia synopsis for you:

The plot revolves around loan officer Christine Brown (Alison Lohman), who tries to impress her boss by refusing to extend a loan to a gypsy woman by the name of Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver). In retaliation, Ganush places a curse on Christine which, if not passed on to someone else within three days, will plunge her into the depths of Hell to burn for eternity.

Well, Mrs. Ganush is terrifying. She starts off as a harmless old lady, with bad dental problems, but soon she becomes a horrifying creature that you would not like to meet down an alley at any time of the day.

Most horror films signpost the jumpy bits with a crescendo. Raimi does the same, and scares you when you think it'll happen, but then moments later will get you again. He's also managed to get some dark humor into the mix, with some great slapstic moments that seems like they've come straight out of Evil Dead, and some funny lines and visual effects.

All in all this is a great horror film, it's not the scariest film you'll see, but the story is great, the characters aren't two dimensional and you're rooting for the main character all the way.

This is a great return to form for Raimi, and I recommend you check this out this Halloween.

Friday, 9 October 2009

Risen Diary - Day One

Day One

Well, my best friend Marty of ten years, said it would be a good idea for me to hide aboard a ship. Well that was a good idea wasn't it? See the world he said, have some fun he said... he didn't mention that there might be some wierd guy with a glowing eye who would decide to have a fight with an invisible sea giant, then once he'd pissed it off enough would just vanish and leave us to pick up the pieces! Now I've ended up shipwrecked on some god awful Island thanks to that Goon!

They're all dead, well, apart from Sara, who I can't remember how I know, but I know that she was on the ship... and if there's no one else on this island, at least I've got some female company... before I found her I was contemplating drawing a smiley face on a rock and calling it Wilson or something.

There is some indigenous wildlife here, not the friendliest creatures I'll admit. So far I've come across a wild ostrich kind of thing, a wolf the size of a lion and a large rat/porcupine thing. I'm just waiting for Dr. Moreau to come out and some lion guy to refer to me as "five finger man".

Also, I can't seem to get off the island. Every time I try and swim out, some large worm thing grabs me! At first I thought "oh shit, I'm done for" I mean it could literally tear me limb for limb. However, he's not as bad as he looks, all he does is he places me back on the beach. I tried several times and the same thing happens! I think I'll call him Hank.

So Sara said she thought we'd better leave the beach, before looters came down there... I hadn't the heart to tell this woman that the first thing I did when I awoke on the beach was to go through all the pockets of the corpses on the beach and loot them... somehow I thought her opinion of me might lower somewhat.

So we walked up through the greenery for some time, it took us quite a while as I decided to pick up everything and anything I could find. I've got more herbs on me now than a Chinese Medicine Man... where I'm putting all this stuff, best not to ask. Suffice to say, I may start chaffing soon.

Finally we came across a cave, which Sara was too scared to go in as there were strange lights in it, so I continued on with her till we got to a little shack. I was glad that their was other life on the Island as Sara was begining to annoy me.

I checked the shack out and found a saucepan. Then Sara the cheeky bitch told me to go cook for her! I mean, it wasn't enough that I'd already saved her life on the beach and hacked my way through various species of animals which are probabily on the endangered species list, no that wasn't enough, she expected me to cook for her too!

Well, I didn't want to cause a scene with my potential love interest, so I cooked her some porcupine/rat meat. Which tastes just like chicken. Tomorrow I will head further inland to find some help, and more rat meat to cook my already grating companion.

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Bottle of Wine

I'm not a big drinker, ask any of my two friends and they'll tell you it only takes me two bottles of bud and then I'm on the floor. Superman has Kryptonite, my weakness is alcohol... and spiders... well most insects really... and the dark, I don't really like it... and confrontation, any kind of confrontation I hate...
I'd make a shit superhero.

Well, anyway, I had just finished a medicore meal that I'd lovingly poured out of a packet for my family, making a real effort after having drank a splendiforus amount of alcohol the night before and for once feeling a little rough the next day.
My brother brought over a bottle of ASDA wine, and it was very nice... better than the meal anyway! Now I don't know about you, but I like to read what I'm eating. I'm the type of guy who when consuming a packet of crisps, likes to read the packet. I guess really I should read the packet BEFORE I start eating, I mean imagine eating something and halfway through finding out that the main ingredient is 60% monkey sperm... suffice to say I never had double stuff oreos again...

I picked up the bottle of wine and had a closer inspection, the bottle read:

Fresh, fun and fruity. A dry white wine

Okay... when I tasted it, yeah it didn't taste stale and old, and I could deffinatly taste the fruityness... and yes it WAS a dry white wine... however, ASDA have told us that it tastes of FUN.

So let me get this straight... the heads at the wine plantations of ASDA (which is located 600 feet below sea level in an ASDA compound off the south of spain) have bottled FUN. They have stated that that particular wine tastes of fun. Okay, I'll say that if you have a bottle of this wine you may have fun, but you wont TASTE fun... How can you!? How the hell can you taste fun?

I then glance over and see a "(V) Suitable for vegitarians" symbol on the bottle. Now, am I right in thinking that wine is made from grapes and not cattle? I don't get this at all, unless the wine is being processed in a slaughter house, or unless the wine contains blood, then why wouldn't it be suitable for vegitarians? Next they'll be putting V signs on Evian!!

So now the last part of the bottle of wine that amused me.
If you are not 100% happy, we'll give you a new bottle.

Not, "If you are not 100% with this product." but "If you are not 100% happy". So I thought, am I 100% happy, no I'm not, I could do with some more money, or a better job and I'm not 100% happy about their claim to bottling the taste of "Fun". So going by the logic on the bottle, I would be entitled to free wine. And not just me, everyone. No one is ever 100% happy, unless they're high, drunk on ASDA wine or in the sack!

Anyway, next time you're eating or drinking something out of a packet/tin/bottle/corpse, read the packaging just in case.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Zombie Survival: Penultimation!

So here I am... still on the island and still in a perpetual nightmare. I had hoped that my worries would have dissapeared like that bout of crabs I had a few years back, but instead it's stayed like that bout of Herpes I got in Vietnam.

So yes, as you have probably realised, everything didn't got quite as planned as Polly and I ran full pelt from the camp of my zombie infected brother towards the saftey of a helicopter pickup from Alexis's government friends.

At present I am sitting at a computer screen with Roystons blood caked over my shirt, taking this opportunity to just let you know whats going on before we begin an assault on the laboratories that my brother has now taken over.

You see we did as Alexis had said, we ran to where the helicopter was supposed to pick us up, but instead we found Royston shaking his head as he told us there was no rescue copter, instead, Alexis had lied, once again. He wasn't a member of any covert operation at all, he was just a compulsive liar. So it was back to square one for the three of us.

We took a moment to catch our breath and then decided what to do next. My brother would no longer cause us much of an issue as he was sure to join the ranks of the un-dead, and as he shares the same DNA as me, and nothing really happened to me when I turned, we figured he'd just be a regular zombie along with Alexis. However, Milli was still out there somewhere and this Island was still infested with the un-dead.

We had to stop the Zombie Virus (tm) here and now, and I reminded them that there was a fail safe on the island, that the scientists had installed which was located in the laboratories on the eastern side of the Island, however I didn't know which direction was which. But this is where Polly's slighted un-hinged mind came in handy. He had done a lot of navigating whilst he was a cub (he never made it to scouts) and quickly found North and began to lead us eastward towards our goal.

Night came fast in the overgrowth and on several occasions we noticed a few zombies milling about, but no sign of our friend Milli. Wherever she was we hoped she was safe and sound, but my heart was telling me that she was probably dead or worse.

After a few hours, we came upon a town, and our luck was really in. This was the place where the laboratories were located. Royston had a quick scout ahead and came back to tell us that everything was ok. To do this he turned round and gave an ok signal with his right hand... seconds after he did this, his hand exploded and he fell to the ground in agony.

"Sniper!" Polly shouted and we both dragged Royston back into the bushes whilst we heard several more gun shots. We wondered who was shooting, but it didn't take us long to find out. A voice filled all of our minds, it was my brother.

"You will not be coming to this base my friends, for it is now mine. From here I can control all of my children and create more thanks to the tonnes of Zombie Virus (tm) that are located here. That bite from Alexis made me stronger, sure I'm not a looker anymore but I am a god!"

I heard the same speech every christmas from my brother and was slightly un-impressed with the Zombie Virus (tm)'s effect on me. If my brother was some psychic zombie master, why was I just a shambler? I thought, maybe I should try getting bit again, but then quickly thought against it. We looked around and Polly and I managed to drag Royston into a building on the edge of the town. That's where we are now, Polly has wrapped up Royston's arm nicely and the bleeding seems to have stopped, but he's unconcious. The building we're in is surrounded by zombies, thanks to my brother directing them our way, and we still have no idea where Milli is.

Tomorrow, we get out of here, and one way or another we'll finish my little experiment on the island. Dead or alive... or un-dead... or un-alive. You get the point.

Marvel Disney

Disney, the master powerhouse that it is, has bought Marvel Entertainment for the lousy fee of $4bn.
Am I the only person who is worried about the direction that Marvel may be forced to go in? Is this goodbye to the gritty comic story lines and hello to more kid friendly spiderman yarns?
Will we be seeing a crossover of Mickey Mouse proportions!? Imagine that, the fantastic four are about to face off against some alien menace, but they can't do it alone, he needs the help of Donald Duck...
Then again, a crossover the other way round would be interesting, imagine Duck Tales with Iron man helping them out? I always thought High School the Musical needed a symbiotic suit to take over the school! Now that, I would watch.
On other Marvel related news, they've decided to re-boot the fantastic four movies.

Apparantly they want something that is a little more Iron Man, making the F4 more gritty and perhaps making Dr. Doom less of a pussy. So the powers that be decided to hire the guys who wrote Batman & Robin to ma... wait... yes, that's right. They decided to make a less cheesy film, by hiring the guys who wrote the worst Batman film since The Joker submitted a script in the 60's.
Batman and Robin is a joke, they kill off Arnie's ailing career and make Bane into a pathetic Henchman. I mean, come on BANE!?!? This is the character that broke batman's back! But he's sidelined here and instead we get pure offle.
Please don't let them do the same to The Human Torch and The Thing. I actually enjoyed the F4 movies, except for Dr. Doom and Galactus. I mean sure they were light in subject matter and very bright in content, but not every superhero has to analyse there feelings all the time! Well let's hope they don't destroy anymore of the Marvel universe.

Keep your own damned music!!

I watched a trailer the other day for Daybreakers, a family friendly movie where vampires have taken over the earth thanks to a virus of some kind (aids?) and humans are in very short supply (kind of like I am Legend but with less butterflies) and Sam Neil has developed a synthetic blood formula to stop vampires turning feral. Obviously, something's not quite right or the movie ends there I guess, well it seems that the humans can turn vampires back into humans (through a bite maybe?) and they decide to turn Ethan Hawke into a regular human to help them survive. Now the film looks quite good, however... the music they use for the film is the SAW music.

Now come on. The SAW music is very reognisable after seeing five films with the same theme tune, so why have they pilfered it for this movie? That would be like Knight Rider stealing the A-Team theme tune, you'd be watching it thinking, oh this is cool, and then realise wait... this is not my beautiful wife, this is not my beautiful house, my god what have I done!?

One movie a lot of films pilfered from was The Hunt for Red October, which had a cracking sound track, and a lot of film makers thought so too, so decided that instead of getting someone to write a new soundtrack for their film, they'd use the one from Hunt for Red October.

It's obvious that Hollywood is running out of ideas, what with so many re-makes and franchise re-boots coming out at the moment in the near future and the fact that they're recycling old music from other films is proof of that too. I reckon we should forget the film reboots, and instead we should do a Hollywood reboot. Get rid of them all and replace them with other people, talented writers, musicians, actors and the like.
But who would you get to star in these new films... It would have to be a great actor, probably tall, gangly, not easy on the eye but not repulsive either... what me? Well I'm flattered, but I could never leave my low salary low enjoyment filled office job, sorry.
And that's why I hate my life :)

Thursday, 27 August 2009

Stoopid Studios News

Well, we got together and came up with some ideas, including a new webpage... I say new webpage, but really it'll be first webpage. We don't have an old one. On it will be everything about Stoopid Studios (so that'll fit into less than one paragraph) all of our films and my blog will be cemented in there using a series of smoke explosions and a couple of mirrors for good measure.
Some exciting news, we've been asked to do a short for a gaming webpage and after about 3 seconds thought we jumped at the chance. So in the next few weeks we'll be getting together and filming something a bit special... what is it you ask? Well, you'll just have to wait till it's on their site.
Also a lot of good ideas have come out of last nights meeting with Stoopid Studios, and a slew of different projects have been pencilled into being filmed this year and the next. I keep forgetting to bring my notebook into work so you'll just have to hold on to your hats for a day or so till I can update this page with some of my ramblings, including another rant on adverts and the effect they have on us and how much ears piss me off!!!
Too-da-loo (you know the rest)

Friday, 21 August 2009

I is Back!

Well I did the right honorable thing and my long suffering lady friend Louise is now my long suffering lady wife Louise.

Certain ideas came to me on my honeymoon which I will share with you in the coming weeks, and Stoopid Studios are getting together on Wednesday to discuss what's next.

At the moment it's an Edward Lobe film, but who knows, these things tend to change from day to day.

Well I better get back to work.

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Turkish Horror (18+)

This was something that I failed to post earlier on last year, but it's not for the feint hearted as it's a toilet based story, with all the gory bits left in.

As I've not been on a while, I thought I'd share a delightfully horrendous honeymoon holiday horror in Hisaranu, which I suggest you don't read. Ever. It's some creative writing based on a particular bad bathroom experience... read at your own peril!

The setting? A romantic meal, at a lovely restaurant that was part of a hotel, on my honeymoon in Hisaranu...

It came from the middle of nowhere, during a routine romantic meal, pain struck my gastric system and my stomach swelled to dangerous proportions. It must have been the spicy food I had been eating the night before against my better judgement, and now I had inadvertently put myself in a position where I was in deep water. I was sitting in the restaurant, un-buttoning my fashionably touristy shorts so that my stomach could spill out and relieve some of the mounting pressure on my bloated belly, a strange sight on me I assure you, when those familiar pangs of gastric disaster made me aware that I had better evacuate not only the table from where I was sitting, but also my bowels.

I was in one of those moments of sheer digestive-system torture, where my face could not hide the pain and discomfort I was feeling, so no funny quip from me about going to shake hands with the Arab, or saying I was using the facilities. She knew, without a doubt, what I had to do, and knew that I would be leaving her on her own in a strange country, alone, for some time. I simply told her where I was going, and left as quick as I could without making it look to obvious that if I didn't hurry that I would actually soil myself.

The toilet area was down stairs, and with each step closer to the landing zone, the need for expulsion rose higher and higher, my hand holding my shorts up at the waist, trying to retain some dignity, although at this point, I didn't care about anything except reaching my destination within the next few minutes, or the stairs would be the location of the worst disaster since the titanic.

I walked through the door to the lavatory and the smell warned me of what was to come before I even had a chance to gaze upon the marvel of the Turkish toilet facilities. My first thought was that I would be walking into a room with a hole in the middle of the floor, shit smeared everywhere and a jug of water to wash down whatever morsels escaped the maw of the sewage pipe, but I was in for a rare treat. These facilities were of western ingenuity! No squatting down on the floor like a monkey/dog/robot for me!

A quick glance round the room lifted my spirits a bit, as I was alone. This would make the next part of my inevitable journey all the easier, as when an audience is present, I am a true English gentleman, and just cannot go for fear of being heard, I kind of tend to clench up with stage fright. There were two cubicles, one with an out of order sign on it, the other, remarkably intact.

I hobbled over to the "in order" cubicle, wincing with pain and listening to the complaints my belly was grumbling as I moved. As I got closer to the door the smell increased, whatever had died in here was behind this door, but I couldn't risk trying to find another toilet, so I had to brave the inevitable.

I half expected to open the toilet and find a dead goat looking up at me, or someone making a kebab from eight year old dead cats whilst simultaneously riding the pine. But nothing, there was no shit smeared walls, or expired wildlife, instead there was a regular toilet, with the worst smell I'd ever smelt in my nostril's memory. I closed the door and got ready to assume the position, when I stopped myself.

Even in the midst of my pain and anguish, I checked the toilet area for dangerous insects (and people say they movie Arachnophobia doesn't teach you anything) and apart from blood sucking flies I was safe.

I tore several pieces of toilet roll off of the holder, that was hidden behind a plastic dispenser that took up 80% of the cubicle, then placed the toilet roll so it had about 9 layers between my skin and the toilet seat. I pulled down what I needed to and had to sit with my face nearly touching the other side of the toilet cubicle thanks to the enormous dispenser.

The calm before the storm lifted and what came next was the stuff of nightmares. I was afraid to begin with, and as a result nothing was forthcoming, instead I had to initiate the push. It was battle stations in my bowels, and alarms were ringing, pain shot across my bow and I clenched my fist and fought through the tears... a wrenching, excruciating process gripped me for the next few moments, and those moments felt like eons. The war raged on and the invading forces were being expelled, but the force was greater than I had hoped... my imagination ran wild as to what was happening where I could not, nor dare not look. Thoughts of a ripping motion below made me wince, which enabled the intruder one last desperate attempt to re-enter my atmosphere. However, I soldiered on, and with one last push and a yell I was able to expel the demon. The battle was over, but the enemy had left it's fare share of wounds. My stomach still wounded from the encounter with the monstrous evil that had infested my being. I wiped my brow, reached for those last few remaining precious sheets of toilet paper, and finished the job.

I revelled in the flushing of the beast, opened the door, and went to the sink. After washing my hands I looked into the reflection in the mirror, the man staring back at me was a shell of his former self, the blood gone from his face and in his eyes I saw the knowledge that the battle may have been over, but the war, the war would never be won. One day, when I'm least expecting it, a similar or greater force would be waiting... but next time... I'd be ready....

Thursday, 30 July 2009


Well I'm off now, I'll be married the next time I post on here, that's a scary thought... but scary in a good way, like a rollercoaster. Then I'm off for 2 weeks to Turkey where I shall be furiously scribbling down the end to Zombie Survival, and some Stoopid studio film ideas.

Well take care anyone who reads this.

See you on the other side.

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Why Anthony Why?

So I was watching the television the other day, and on pops Sir Anthony "Hannibal" Hopkins. So naturally I sit up and listen to what this legendary actor has to say. He's there talking about how much he loved Rocky and then I realise that I'm not watching an interview with him, but a shameless HD advert.

Every time I see one he's telling us that a different film is the best film he's ever seen. Surely they can't ALL be the best film you've ever seen. And why are they advertising older films for HD, I mean stop me if I'm wrong, but surely they can't make Rocky look like any better than it already does?

Then I wondered why is Dr. Lecter sullying his good name with a shitty HD advert? Did they drive a truckload of money up to your house?

No I believe that they have well and truly "Ackbard" Sir Anthony, probably luring him into that house with promises of welsh cakes and leek soup and he's now stuck in that glass house, with only a camera and an earpiece that sends him instructions from Sky Tv reps!!

Well, I'm not going to stand for it. One of our greatest actors is being held against his will, by those bastards at Sky. I hate Sky, they're the Starbucks of the digital tv world. A good show like House starts on a reputable channel, and then Sky buys it once it's popular, forcing you to goto the dark side if you want to watch it!!

As I'm writing this, his advert is being played on the radio!!! Am I the ONLY person who thinks this advert is horrible?

Friday, 24 July 2009

New Poster

Trailer - Edward Lobe in Dead Before Dawn

Hello again!!
I know it's unsual for me to be updating this much, you must think I've become un-employed, or have swine flu and nothing to do...
Well neither are true, hopefully, and to celebrate that fact, here's the trailer for our next short.

"Edward Lobe in Dead Before Dawn" tells the story of the titular Edward Lobe (an eccentric Paranormal investigator) and his long suffering ward Frederick on a seemingly routine invesitgation, but it soon becomes clear that they've been "Ackbard"
Kristofus cobbled the trailer together last night out of the footage from the 2nd half of the short, the 1st half is being filmed tomorrow in a graveyard.

Keep your eyes on my Department 14 blog, which will be giving you more details on the characters and setting of Dark World, the name given to the world in which our films are set.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

New short, coming soon

Well, last night we spent about 3 hours filming what will no doubt be less than 10 minutes of film once all the bloopers are cut out.

The short is called "Edward Lobe in Dead Before Dawn" and is a return to the horror comedy genre that we've flogged to death. We've only filmed half of the short so far, with a daytime graveyard scene being filmed saturday morning, however we did take a load of footage so that we can compile a trailer and that should be on here by the weekend.

Wether the entire film will be edited and uploaded before/whilst I'm on my honeymoon, I'm unsure, but if it's not done before I go/come back, then I will get on it when I get back.

If you watch it, please leave some comments for us.


Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Department 14

I've made a little blog for some creative writing I'm working on, which will tie in to what we're filming tonight. The stories will be done in a serial, a bit like the Zombie Survival, except it'll be updated every week/fortnight, whereas Zombie Survival has gone months without being updated.

So if you like the kind of things I write here, and want to read ongoing horror/comedy stories, check out my other page "Department 14" It all looks a little serious on there at the mo, but that'll soon change as the stories commence.

Also, due to the lack of decent layouts on Blogger, you may have noticed this has changed to something out, as Department 14 felt better on the notebook style background.

I must have had a slow January, looking at it, I had 30+ entries that month ah well... lol :D

My plans

Well, tonight Alexis, Kristofus, myself and maybe ol' man Pollard will be gathering once again to create a piece of cinematic absurdity. Yesterday I came up with an idea about some Paranormal Investigators investigating paranormal activities in a haunted house. How we will create this haunted house tonight is anyone's guess, and we might film something totally different, it's anyone's guess as to what will happen in the next 24 hours...

"Banana Men from Feline V" incidently, has had 99% positive feedback and only one person I know, just 1 person, said it was "meh... ok". Thanks Kelly ;-D

F.Y.I > A graphic novel of Banana Men from Feline V is currently being created by Webb, who played Banane in the short!!!

Personally I think it's our best short to date, due to the simplicity of it, our 80's cartoon voices for the cat and the bananas, how we used the bananas and of course the quality of the HD camera which Braymachine is graciously lending us at the moment.

I've actually got 11 days till I'm due to be wed, so wether this film will be completed and uploaded on Youtube before I go on my two week honeymoon, I'm not sure, but the link will be on here as soon as I've got it.

For all you Zombie Survival fanatics out there who keep on at me to finish it off, it wont be much longer I assure you, and with my two weeks by a pool in Turkey and me taking along my trusty notebook, I will have it written and probably some more random crap to distract you from your work/play day.

Talking about sites, I am hoping to create a new web page at some point this year, hopefully with some of Webb's art, to combine the Stoopid Studios short films and all of my random bloggings, so I'll let you know how that goes when it happens.

Well, I better get back to work, I'm sure I'll update before my wedding on the 1st.

Ciao for now!

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Action Lines!

What's more cool than a witty one liner after you've shot some smarmy asshole through the face? Well... saying a witty one liner BEFORE you've shot some smarmy asshole through the face!

Action films are always a bit tongue in cheek, the main hero can usually sustain any ammount of punishment and is back in peak physical condition for the following sequels without so much as a bruise to show for it.

But what annoys me the most about action films is the timing of the comedic one liners. For instance, take the amazingly great mind f**k that is Total Recall. A film that has some great use special effects and leaves you wondering at the end if the main character was dreaming it all or if it actually happened. Either way, he dies/lives happily ever after so who cares right?

Now Arnie was the king of 80's action films, and he's had his fare share of One Liner's, Total Recall has a few. In this film however, his wife attacks him at a few points, and as Arnie pulls a gun on her she stares at him lovingly and says "But honey, I'm your wife" Arnie shoots her and quips "consider that a divorce"

Now if I was about to shoot my spouse (a situation that I have become very familiar with in the past few years) I would instead say "Consider this a divorce" and then shoot her. That way the last thing she hears is a witty one liner. There's nothing worse than coming back with a good retort and there being no one near to hear you.

Lethal Weapon 2 is another one, with one of the best villains ever. Here we have Danny Glover facing off against the white supremisist South African Consulate (I believe that was his job title including the white supremisist part) All the way through the film he's been flaunting off the fact that he's untouchable, as it would create an international incident apparantly. Personally I think the government of South Africa wouldn't give two hoots if he died, they must have known he was a prick, why else would you send him to America?!? I'm always sending people I don't like to America (the postage is pretty expensive though)

So right at the end, this evil bastard pulls out his papers and shouts "Diplomatic Immunity" in probably the most comic accent I have ever heard. Glover then cricks his neck, which is a signal to the audience that he is lining up a decent shot, then shoots him and after he's dead quips "Just been revoked" Wow, what a cool come back. But no one can hear it!?

I guess that maybe they say it after they kill them because if they said the one liner BEFORE they kill them, it'd give them time to escape or shoot back. Whatever the reasoning, I do enjoy a good retort, but I would ask that anyone reading this who has the intention of killing me, please say your witty retort before you kill me, I'd like to go to hell thinking "man, that was a good comeback"

Monday, 6 July 2009

Banana Men From Feline V

Hi guys, just follow the link to watch the splendiforus Banana Men from Feline V, a cross between a 1950's B-Movie flick and The Terminator

One day we'll make a movie where people aren't possessed by something or other lol, until then, enjoy our first Sci-fi!


Friday, 3 July 2009


Well I hope you're enjoying the tennis at the moment, I love how Murray is British when he's wining and Scottish when he's losing. How fickle are we when it comes to sports personalities!? More fickle than Mr. Fickle from 33 Mc Fickle Lane, that's how fickle.

Well tonight I shall be getting together with other Stoopid Studio member, Kristofus, to cobble together Banana Men from Feline V, our first forray into Sci-Fi comedy! So hopefully you'll be able/forced to watch it this weekend!

Thursday, 2 July 2009

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Zombie Survival is up

Just below the Transformers 2 review, the next chapter in the long running zombie survival story Arc. Nearing the end now. :D

Our New Film

Last night, Webb, myself and my evil brother Kristofus, sat round the dinner table and planned out the next dark spirit movie, after that was done, we had several hours spare... so we deicded to do a film in a night, which is what Stoopid Studio's do best.

We didn't want to do a horror/comedy, as that's Dark Spirit and Magic Bean Man right there, so instead we decided on Sci-Fi/comedy.

What started as a simple concept regarding 3 aliens landing on earth, who loose their memories, turned into "Banana Men from Feline Five!!!"

Using Braymachine's camera, which is a hell of a lot better than the cameras we've used in the past, we were able to get a crisp quality, which I hope won't be too large to upload onto Youtube and on here.

So just in time for Hannukah, you'll be able to watch our latest effort, which is a lot more technically experimental than all our previous endevours. Dark Spirit should be being filmed very soon too thanks to having a free house round Webb's, so we'll have a house you WONT recognise! Yatta!


(oh and Zombie Survival IS on it's way, no really)

Friday, 26 June 2009

Zombie Survival - delayed

Sorry guys, due to some really shit unforseen circumstances I couldn't get the next part up today, I've got my stag weekend this weekend, so will be in no state to do it this weekend, but I will have it up before I die, don't worry.

Thursday, 25 June 2009

Transformers 2 : Revenge of the fallen

Being a fan of 80's cartoons, I have been looking forward to the new Transformers movie for some time, with the original being a great movie in my opinion albeit hard to follow the action from time to time as the Robot's kinda blended together in battle.

So, after the 300 car adverts before the movie, we finally got to the main feature, Polly questioned why all the films nowerdays had to be "revenge" of something or other, I told him that "Revenge of the fallen" makes a much cooler sounding title then "Tea Party of the fallen".

Although, that would be one movie I'd like to go see.

Now I warn you, here be spoilers! So if you want to see the movie spoiler free, please don't read on. Go away now.

Now she's gone, we can continue. I enjoyed the "mythos" they created in the first Transformers movie, with the Decepticons searching for Megatron as he was made out to be the big bad, however, forget that, now it seems that Megatron is just Darth Vader, and that the titular Fallen is Emperor Palpetine, even so much as calling Megatron his "disciple".

This isn't the only thing I found similar to Star Wars unfortunatley, as they introduced some new Transformers this time, with 2 in particular that I have dubbed "Car Car Binks" for being the most annoying, screen wasting, racist, offensive hunks of junk to ever grace the screen. The two Robots that start off as being an Ice-Cream truck, were supposed to be comic relief, and at some points they had their moments, however by the time the movie was in it's 3rd act, I was praying that something would kill them.

So in the first movie it was all about the All-Spark, the cube that created more transformers... well Decepticons for some reason, why Optimus Prime and the other Autobots are good if they were created from the All-Spark is a question left un-answered, unless I missed it in the first one. So the whole point for Megatron to be on Earth was the All-Spark right? Well, in this movie, they tell us, no. No he wasn't actually looking for the All Spark, he was looking for the Matrix which he could have easily found in his local HMV.

The Matrix, is a device that converts our sun into Energon (the lifeblood of the Transformers as Vinnie Jones points out to us at one point) and according to the new "mythos" The Fallen wants to turn this badboy on so that he can keep his race going. Now The Fallen, his name is in the title of the film, and Megatron and all the Decepticons are his bitch, so you're expecting him to be one mean mutha-fucker. Not so.

The Fallen, AKA The Pussy, is only really in the film for 4 scenes. He's introduced saying that only a Prime can kill him so he waits out the first part of the movie till Optimus Prime is dead (which we'll come to in a minute) then he's next seen climbing up a sinking Aircraft Carrier, then we don't see him for ages till he teleports out of nowhere and steals the Matrix and activates the sun eater thingy. And when he does finally get into combat, Optimus Prime not only kicks his ass, but he pretty much tea-bags the baffoon. So this guy is the main villain? Optimus Prime would have had more challenge fighting a parapalegic minature horse!!!

So, Opti dies. I predicted that as soon as the movie was announced, and the scene in which he dies is great. It's filmed really well and the action is brutal, and when he dies it's a great moment and mirrors the cartoon somewhat. But instead of passing the title of Prime onto someone else (probably because Bumblebee Prime sounds shit) the rest of the movie is dedicated to Sam trying to resurrect the big guy.

One point, I was in tears of laughter, but not due to anything the film meant to do. At one point, the American's are cut off in Egypt, and being attacked by shit loads of Decepticons. It looks like there's no hope for the hardened marines... until someone shouts out "Look, it's the Jordanian Army!!" then the action cuts to see 2 helicopters coming in, which last for ten seconds before being blown up. Seriously, THAT was the Jordanian army? Two fucking helicopters? I don't even remember them getting hit, I just think they blew up. Then when one of the helicopters is on the ground all smashed to shit, the crew get out A-team style, none of them are hurt, but to add insult to injury, the Sector 7 guy asks one of them "Do you have a radio?" to which the pilot looks at him gone out. As if he's never heard of a radio before and the Jordanian military are using tin cans and string to communicate.

One thing this movie EXCELLED at was the relationship between Starscream and Megatron. Starscream was always a snivelling bastard in the cartoon, wanting to rule the decepticons, or just save his own skin depending, and the moments with Megatron and Starscream really shone out.

I will say, although it does drag a bit in the 3rd act, it's a decent action movie, with a lot of adult language in it, which suprised me due to the appeal the movie will have to kids (children not goats). The Robots were clearly defined this time, meaning it was easier to follow them in the action scenes, the comic moments were plentiful (even when not meant to be) and apart from Car Car Binks, all the robots were great. I'd recommend this is you liked the first, Bay does tend to explode anything and everything he can but for the most part it works, just be prepared for a long movie and a weak ass villain.

Monday, 22 June 2009

Zombie Survival... cont...

I awoke the next morning, with a stiff neck and had that great feeling of thinking everything was a dream, until I rolled over and saw Polly staring at me.

"I couldn't sleep" he told me as he stared at me with his hollow mad eyes, then he asked me what the plan was? I've never been a person to plan ANYTHING in advance, be that my weekly finances or a random story that I make up out of knowhere involving my friends and zombies for instance, so his guess at what our next step at that point was was as good as mine. We had intended to destroy all the zombies, but now we were faced with the task of escaping from my lunatic brother.
My priority however was Royston. I needed to make sure Royston was alright, as apart from me, he was the only "sane" person on the island as Polly was on a whole other level and Milli doesn't count as she's scottish.

As I was about to leave the tent, I was suprised by Alexis who leapt in. "Quick, there isn't much time." he said in a chinese accent "My name isn't really Alexis, it's Brad and I work for the American Government, I helped your friend Roy escape last night by playing pre-recorded Rape noises that the CIA has on file for these kind of situations" He took off our restraints and we left the tent, standing in the middle of the camp, he continued "Royston's waiting for you at a cave 20 minutes south of here. There you will get picked up by an extraction helicopter but first we need to..."
Kristofus, who had never really trusted Alexis had been listening in on the whole thing and a gunshot to the chest silenced Alexis, who's lifeless body slumped infront of Polly and myself. Looking up we saw the triumphant look of Kristofus's face. "I never did trust that guy, but that's what you get by advertising for help in the Friday Ad, do you know how many people said they'd work for me, but first I needed to send an advancement of their wages to Nigeria!? I mean, Nigeria? Do they even HAVE Friday Ad in Nigeria? I wasn't even aware they had computers, or running water, or a basic consept of the english language!"
He then moved over Alexis's corpse whilst keeping his gun trained on Polly and myself, more on Polly as my brother knows how much of a coward I am, and that I wouldn't try and jump him after what happened at Aunt Flora's Wedding Anniversary. "Well gentlemen, now I have Braymachine and Pope locked up, I shouldn't have any other uber-zombies to fight, which means it should be a quick jaunt to the laboratories where I can find the formula for the Zombie Virus (tm) and create my own perfect world with... Nooooooooo!"
The villains are always so busy gloating that they never realise the hero of the piece is managing to escape his bonds or reverse his fortune somehow. For example, in this case; Kristofus was soooo busy waffling on, that he didn't notice that Alexis's corpse had come back to life, he was only aware of this when it had bitten his leg.
Kristofus crushed Alexis's head under his boot, exclaiming "That LYING bastard!! He said that Pope hadn't bit him, why did I ever trust that..." I'm not sure what else he had said, as by that point I was out of ear shot, as both Polly and myself were running full pelt away from that lunatic. Bullets zoomed in our general direction, but I guess being bit by a zombie and realising you'll soon be un-dead, makes you a lousy shot.
It was apparant that Kristofus's plans wouldn't come to fruition now that he was going to turn into a zombie himself, so my thoughts went from worrying about my evil brother taking over the world with a zombie virus (tm) that I had created, to the CIA helicopter that would pick us up when we met Royston in 20 minutes.
Granted, I had no idea where Milli was, but to be fair, I'd been shot at, chased after, bitten and turned into a zombie, before coming back to some form of sembilence so my priorities were strictly on getting my white ass out of there. Thank god Alexis or Brad or whatever his name was, had arranged some kind of extraction off of this god forsaken (albeit my own doing) island!!
As we ran through the dense jungle my thoughts turned to everything that had happened whislt we had been here, and what I had done to my friends out of curiosity. I am going to hell, surely.

Friday, 19 June 2009

Zombie Re-Cap

First Post In June!!!

Sorry, I have been MEGA busy...

A lot of you have probably forgotten where we left off, so let me recap…

I took Polly, Royston, Braymachine, Milli and Pope to my legally purchased Island, under the pretence of a holiday, however what they didn’t know what that I had scientists develop a zombie virus™ and infect the local populace. Pope, Braymachine and even me, got bitten and turned into a zombie, however unlike the others, I managed to turn myself back thanks to a handy cure that the scientists had hidden for me.

The virus had a strange effect on Pope, she turned into a winged zombie pterodactyl kind of thing, and Braymachine turned into a hulking tank of a zombie. Polly went fruit bat crazy and has been living off the fruits of the jungle, slowly going mad, Milli hasn’t been much good because she’s Scottish and last time we saw her she was running away from some zombie hippos, and Royston, well Royston’s been a lucky bastard so far, managing to out run the zombies and keep his healthy complexion.

However my evil brother, Kristofus, has come to the island along with Alexis his right hand manservant. They managed to capture us AND Zombie Pope and Zombie Braymachine. Polly and I were put in a tent, whilst Alexis took Roy into what Polly and I deemed as the “rape tent” due to the grunting noises that could be heard all night.
It seems my brother is intending to use the zombie virus™ to kill off 99% of the world's population and re-populate it with his "children", as he is gay, I don't know quite how he's going to achieve the "children" without some serious science coming into play... I'm not going to let him realise his grand plan and have seen the errors of my ways as I realise it was probably a bad idea to unleash a zombie virus™ on my unsuspecting friends. Hindsight is a marvellous thing…

So what happened next?... Stay tuned, I promise it wont be long to wait, and there will be a new story arc with some familiar faces and of course my usual randomness. Time permitting of course.

Friday, 15 May 2009

Aftermath 03 : Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins is one of the greatest childhood films ever made, according to the homless man who goes to my dentist, and I'm inclined to agree with him in some ways, however I wasn't taken in by the hollywood ending... I now reveal for you loyal readers, what actually happened after the credits rolled on Mary Poppins.

Mr Banks was fired from his job at the bank, due to his son not giving a tupence to the paedophillic bank owner Mr. Dawes. When asked for a statement, Mr. Banks simply said "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!" and a joke which caused Mr. Dawes to float to the ceiling with laughter. hmm...

His family worried about Mr Banks, tried to track him down, however when they did find him, he wasn't upset, infact he was happy... manically so... and suggested that they all go fly a kite. What the children and his wife didn't realise however was that Mr. Banks was using "let's go fly a kite" as a euphemism for killing his family then himself, but luckily Mr. Dawes Jr turned up and made Mr. Banks a partner at the bank due to his father's laughter based demise.

Mary Poppins then flew off into the distance, not to return again until Ghostbusters 2, where she comes down and steals baby Oscar in a pram for "Vigo!"

Mr. Banks isn't a partner for long however, as the coroner working on Mr. Dawes deducts that it wasn't laughter that killed him, it was the cyanide Mr. Dawes Jr. had been giving him. Mr. Dawes Jr is soon arrested and Mr. Banks is now fully in control of the bank. Due to his increased work load he reverts back to his old self in no time.

Jane and Michael, fed up of their father decide to go and find Bert as he may be able to help them find Mary Poppins... on their way they bump into a colorful character called Dodger. He tells them he can show them where Bert is, so takes them to see his boss, a nice gentlmen called Fagin. Fagin sells Jane to the underground Jewish sex trade and gets Michael hooked on Heroin, forcing him to pickpocket for him to get his next fix. Jane never see's her sixteenth birthday and Michael is eaten by a crocodile.

Mrs. Banks realises through her grief that she is infact a lesbian and falls in love with a lovely young woman. When she tells Mr. Banks she's leaving he is worried about a scandal and ends up in a heated discussion with her, well one thing leads to another and he kills her. Distraught he decides to leave everything and start a new life... which is where Bednobs and Broomsticks picks up.

What about Dick Van Dyke's irritatingly cockney character Bert? Well, he discovers the body of Mrs. Banks and is accused of her murder by a corrupt Judge, and is sent to Australia for a not so jolly holiday... years later however he comes back with a new name, Sweeny Todd.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009


To appease you till my next update, here's a short picture story.

All you have to do is right click on it, and open in new window to see it at a read-able size. If THAT doesn't work, right click and save, then open in paint :D

Monday, 20 April 2009

Resident Evil : Avon Calling

Whilst inbetween watching Rush Hour on channel 5 the other night, I had the delight of seeing a few adverts. As you are probably aware, I loathe television adverts and each time I see one that makes me want to suck my soul out from my loins, I loose a little bit of faith that there is a god. But now and again an advert hits a chord, or something has to be said/done about the advert in question. This brings me to the following:

Avon is a company that has been going for years and years and years. I know a couple of people who are actually Avon reps, and I've always seen it as a harmless money grabbing scheme. I've never seen them represented through TV advertisements though, so straight away my attention was grabbed like a schoolboy on holiday.

But before I continue with Avon, I need to let you know about another company... Umbrella.

The Umbrella Corporation, until recently in Resident Evil mythology, was a company that made various different things, from make-up to bio-weapons that created zombies!

N0w, Umbrella was closed down by the american government after a breakout of the T-Virus in "Racoon City" and I assumed the nightmare would have ended there. However, it seems that like when Woolworths went into Administration and started selling stuff off, so did Umbrella.

It seems that Avon, not content with slowly draining the money from housewives limp hands, have decided to step up their quest for global consumer domination and have bought from Umbrella, vast ammounts of biological weaponry that they intend on distributing to the general populace!

Is it just me or do the two products look pretty much identical? Next time you see an Avon rep, get out your handgun and aim for the head.

Left: Avon, Right: T-Virus

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

The begining of the end

My faithful blind, deaf, dumb and parapalegic manservant Manfred, who I bought off of an old chinese couple on my latest trip to Afghanistan, came up to me this morning with a newspaper.

I was shocked at first that he had managed to get out of the cage I keep him in, but my eyes were drawn to the attention of the newspaper in question. I read the paper and was shocked at the state of the world in general, and decided there and then that something had to change before things could get better. I thanked Manfred for this inspiration in the only way he understood, by beating him round the head with the newspaper.

So, I am intending to take over the world... sorry, I mean "unite" the world, under my leadership I believe that the world will be a better place, where children can run in the streets without fearing obesity, where the only kind of reality tv would be documentaries on how great the current world leader is and a world where Starburst is called Opal Fruits like they're meant to be.

But I can't do it alone, that's why I will be seeking out help in the form of my friends and close relatives in hopes that they can aid me... and if they can't, then I'll have to kil... reason with them... right, off I go to formulate a plan.