Friday, 29 August 2008

Are you prepared?

In this day and age, it's more likely to get blown up by a terrorist than say, be killed by a bear... but what if, in a bizarre twist, the terrorists decide to attack us... with bears!?

Sounds silly? Well a man once told me to expect the unexpected, I then spent 3 years in an insane asylum trying to figure out exactly how I was supposed to expect something that is unexpected, for if I expected the unexpected it would then be the expected, not the unexpected, and what I had expected to happen before would then become unexpected because I was expecting something else... the pills helped.

I believe the last thing that I think the "Government" is expecting are terrorist trained bears. I'm sure if you were to take a few pictures over afghanistan you'd see the Bear training camps, or maybe if you look on google maps and squint really hard over Iraq, you might see some.

Founder of the Scout Movement, Baden Powell, if that is his real name, told us to "be prepared", it remains a mystery as to what he wanted us to be prepared for, perhaps the Bears were what he was talking about? Well I like the cut of Powell's Jib. So, much to the protests of my long suffering lady friend, I have bear proofed our house.

To bear proof your house, you will need three things:
1 - a chair
2 - a tree
3 - a shotgun

Step 1 :
Put your chair in the tree, and sit in it with your shotgun

Step 2:
Wait for bears

Good luck! :D

Ode to Merlin

I'll miss you lil' buddy,

you'll always be my friend,

I hoped that you'd grow up with us,

and be there till the end,

I miss your little cuddles,

and am sad that we're apart,

You'll always have a special place,

inside of my heart.

Thursday, 28 August 2008


The Gypsy Froghoff was telling me today that our dreams come from the stars, that when we sleep they speak to us. So the mystic's seem to think that dreams are the stars speaking to us, but I've never once spoken to Michael Cane and he's a star in my books.

Personally I think she's one girl short of a shoe factory, but it got me wondering, where DO our dreams come from...

So my first port of call was Wikipedia, as it's a bastion of knowledge and they pay me £10 everytime I mention them! Wikipedia informs us that dreams come from REM... But I'm sure people used to dream before the band formed.

So I called up my old friend Professor Katz again, from Oxford University, he explained to me that he was fed up of my questions and to leave him alone, he then began to cry for half an hour until I hung up and went out for a smoothee. Happy Days!

So in the end I am no closer to discovering the truth behind dreams, maybe it will remain a mystery or maybe I'll solve it one day, or maybe this is the dream and we're awake when we're dreaming, which doesn't make much sense gramatically but I know what I'm talking about.

Well I'd best get back to whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing.

Fave Animals

On God's green planet there are some interesting species of animals, and everyone has there favourties. Maybe you're a big fan of the Giraffe, or maybe you're more of a Lion fan. Well I have several favourite animals, but one of my most favourites has got to be...

The Elephant Seal.

I first encountered them on one of my many journeys around the world, on that particular adventure myself and Professor Humperdink, were tasked with finding an ancient sword that belonged to the King of Sudan... but that's a different story for another day.

The Elephant Seal is one ugly bastard, maybe that's why I like it, because although it's ugly and has bad breath it gets on with things, a lot like some humans I know.

HORRIBLE FACT: The Alpha Male is knicknamed "The Grandmaster" and when the mum's and dad's go for a swim, he goes and RAPE'S the children... um, thanks nature...

What ever happened to...

The Baby from "Labrynth?"
The 80's gave us some amazing films and some great music, among those films was a classic called Labrynth. If you have never seen/heard of Labrynth please proceed to hang yourself with a liquorice lace.
Now as a kid there was some pretty disturbing muppets in that film, and I pondered a while ago, how the film would have effected the actual baby that was kidnapped by "Goblin Bowie"

Well, I did a bit or research and thanks to Wikipedia and now I know...

Froud's son, Toby Froud, played the baby in Labyrinth, one of his father's works.[1] Toby Froud is currently studying filmmaking and special effects techniques in London. He is also apprenticed at the Muppet workshop in New York City, and on the set of the Lord of the Rings films in New Zealand. Also working as a stilt walker with a troupe in England

So, it seems that Froud didn't turn out to be a child killer/male prostitute or Marine Biologist like I'd thought he would have... but anyone who is a stilt walker or morris dancer, had to have had a pretty messed up childhood!

The London Experience

So my long suffering lady friend Louise, took me with her to London town. A hive of skum and villany the likes of which you have never seen.
We went there to watch Mamma Mia! the stage musical, at first I was apprehensive as I'm not the biggest Abba fan, not because I don't like there music, but because I was on tour with Abba once and we split over artistic differences... anyway... it was a great show!
What to do in London, was the questions we asked ourselves and the reply we got was "Madame Tussauds" (or however you spell it) and "The London Dungeon". So we got on to the tube and visited both Madame Tussauds and the London Dungeon, and both of them looked great from the outside... I say from the outside as we never went in due to the 2+ hour queues! And I know I'm British and our national past-time is waiting, but bugger that for a game of soldiers, so instead we went on a London Sight Seeing tour (on a double decker) and visited the National History Museum.
We went to Buckingham Palace and watched the changing of the guards, I wondered "Do there's heads go all the way to the top of those fluffy hats they wear" and Louise walked away from me as apparantly I was "embarrasing her" I don't see how, I may have been naked but it wasn't like I was shouting rude words or throwing my poo at the guards! Sometimes I don't understand women...

Halfway to 50 but where am I at?

Who'd have thunk that at the ripe old age of 25 I'd be where I am today, if you'd asked me when I was but a little lad I'd have said "By 25 I'll be a successful actor, in movies galore!"

Was I naive, or did I have the potential to achieve such a feat, but thanks to laziness on my part I could never achieve this? Well I asked a stranger in the street today that same question, her response was less than satisfactory... infact she called me a "wierdo" and ran away.

So I called up Oxford University and spoke to Professor Katz, he told me that he had no idea who I was and would I stop calling him or he'd inform the police.

With Professor Katz refusal I ventured into the Quarry and sought out Phil, the method actor. He had some success as a child actor and now lives like Obi Wan Kenobi, except he doesn't try to get ugly youths to follow him on some damned foolish crusade. He told me that although I didn't have the career I had expected, I had other things to be happy about. I have a house, a woman that loves me, friends and family... and a 360 with a HDTV.

I patted Phil on the back and thanked him for his help, then like the wise man he is, he vanished into the trees...