Emperor Gray

16 - Emperor Gray

I'd been knocked out (yet again) by someone I used to consider as a "nice person". Myke, the Wolverhampton partner of my crazed companion Hagley, was no longer a "nice person" as he had killed Hagley's arachnoid sister and the other mutants that I'd been "performing" with in pantomime.

So what happened to him?

He, Hagley, Molly and Irish, had all been together when The End happened. For those who can't remember, didn't read, or can't be arsed to go back and read, when The End happened everything went dark and the four of them had stuck together to try and get out of town as everything had gone bat shit crazy.
On their way out of town they encountered gigantic insects that carried Irish off and stung Molly, making her head swell, her neck elongate and her skin to turn purplish. Also it made her really docile and odd looking. Myke, thinking he could use the years of survivalist skills he'd picked up over the years, decided to go after Irish whilst Hagley looked after Molly in a school they had found shelter in.

Myke didn't find Irish, but instead got caught in a "rain storm" and rain these days is made from fire. He lost half of his face (the good half) and now didn't looked more like Jeff Goldbloom from The Fly, then he did Ryan Reynolds from... any movie with Ryan Reynolds in.

(Jeff Goldbloom is still alive by the way, he's now the president of what was once called America and is now called Jeff Goldbloom Land, I don't know Ryan Reynolds fate but a pretty boy like him is probably somebody's bitch)

Myke became disorientated and wandered into some woods that were full of Badgers. (Badgers being the deadliest predator in the woods) It didn't take long for them to find him and surround him. Myke would have been a dead man had it not been for an intervention by Elliot Gray, the ruler of the Gray empire, and now my host.

I awoke to the feel of sandpaper against my face. I opened my eyes to see my cat Professor Humperdink licking me awake. I'd totally forgotten about the posh cat and was so glad to see a familiar face, even though it was feline. I hugged him tightly till he wiggled free of my grip

"I'm glad to see you too old chap, did you find the other mother?"
He was of course referring the my long suffering lady wife Louise, who was lost to me after The End. I felt ashamed, as the Panto had taken over my life, I'd not even thought about her since the first night of "Robinson Crusoe 2"
I told him I'd still not had any luck and he looked a little glum at that news. He was always very fond of Louise, as was my other cat Simba. Professor Humperdink, I noticed, was wearing a little grey cape and had a little grey cap on his head. The room I was in smelt of strong spices, and was decorated in black and red striped wallpaper that made me feel a bit queasy if I looked at it too long. I asked my cat what happened, where I was and how he got here.

He told me about the Gray soldiers finding them at the school and that Molly, he and Simba had been taken to see Emperor Gray. The Emperor wasn't fond of "mutants" but Molly made him laugh so she was appointed official Jester. Elliot allowed to the cats to stay as long as they joined his growing army of soldiers. Simba had been on the front lines at the battle of Daventry and Professor Humperdink hadn't seen him since.

Humperdink then told me that we were in one of the Emperor's many "houses", which used to be a Nandos, and that Elliot had asked to see me.
"What's he like, Elliot?" I asked. I hadn't seen Elliot since he was a baby so I guessed that since The End he had suddenly grown into a man, as time does all manner of things these days.

"Well, he's... It's best if you see for yourself."

So, I was lead, by my cat, out of the Nando's house I had awoke in, and out onto the streets of Norfamtonne.

Things had changed a lot since I was last here, as all around the high street there were large grey banners with "Long Live Gray" written on them. The streets were full of market stalls and people browsing. It seemed that "society" had survived after all!

We walked for a while through the crowds and after a short time we came upon the Imperial Palace, which was a series of shops all merged into one. The golden arches of McDonalds were still visible under lots of grey paint.

In the "foyer" there was amazing pieces of artwork that I recognised straight away as my friend Matt Warb's handiwork. So this looked as though he had made it through the end too, I was looking forward to meeting him, even if it was just so I could do a joke about his mum for old times sake.

We walked up some stairs and into a large room. There was a huge dining table stretched across the width of the room and several mismatched chairs around it. The table was piled high with various foods and it all looked and smelt amazing. The seats were all empty except for a high chair in the middle, and sitting in that little chair was a baby.  A baby named Elliot, who somehow, was the ruler of all that I had walked past.

Humperdink who just shrugged at me. Cat's shrugging is pretty odd to observe by the way. I stood for some time looking at the little fellow before he decided to speak up.

"You were a friend of my fathers I seem to recall" His voice, by the way, was booming and very deep. He sounded not unlike Brian Blessed.

"I am, Elliot"

"Then you shall dine with me, me and my whole family. Please, help yourself to a change of clothes and come back after you've changed."

For a moment, I forgot that he had ordered the deaths of several "mutants" I had befriended. Anyone who is kind to me after The End, is usually wanting to kill me, enslave me, eat me or wear my skin as a suit, but I didn't fear the Baby Emperor, after all, he was just a baby.

That belief, that he couldn't harm me, or wouldn't, cost me my eye.

The Absurd Practical Joke

My long suffering lady wife Louise and I were having a conversation the other day about baby photo books. We've got a lovely baby book off of our good friend Pope, but Louise was also wanting to get a photo album.

My brain is like god. It moves in mysterious ways. (and to an aethist, doesn't exist)

Louise had stated that she'd like to have a photo album that our child could look back at when my brain suddenly came out with an idea. I considered the idea for all of five nanoseconds before I dismissed it as ridiculous.

But I did share the thought with her however, and now, as my loyal reader(s), I shall submit the idea to you so that maybe you could use it instead or dismiss it as the lunacy that it is.

I proposed that we get a photo album and take lots of pictures like my long suffering lady wife Louise had suggested, however, at the same time we get pictures of an Asian family with a Caucasian baby and fill up another baby book.

Then one day, we tell them. We're not their real parents, and out comes the baby book with the Asian family. We then get them to pack up some luggage for a fortnight and tell them we're taking them to stay with their real parents for two weeks. Then when we get to the airport we tell them that we're all going to Disney World instead!

Price of a photo-album: £15
Holiday to Disney World: £600
The Look on their face as it dawns on them that you are the worst parent ever: Priceless
For everything else there's social services.

So yeah, really not a good idea at all, and honestly I'd never do something like that to anyone, but it does make me worry that somehow my brain fired that idea off to me. I think I need to get it examined.

Curtain Call

15 - Curtain Call

The feeling you get when an audience appreciates what you've done is the best drug money can't buy. It's a high you can't feel any other way and it's more addictive than a packet of your favourite biscuits.

This "high" had entranced both myself and Hagley for some time. Those "happy" days of theatre life all mingle into one when I try and think about it now, probably as a defence mechanism that my brain uses to block out painful or just plane crazy sights.

So, we'd been working in the theatre day in day out, eating the grey gloop that was provided and getting a standing ovation from a crowd of floating faces and all those thoughts we'd once had about finding loved ones had disappeared. We were "happy". Except that was an act too. When it came down to it, we were prisoners, forced to do the bidding of the floating brains in jars or be vaporised for our insubordination!

Now Panto season comes to a close, and what a bloody finale I have for you.

It was a night like any other and myself and Hagley were oblivious to what was coming our way. You see whilst we were in the bubble of the Theatre, some other developments had happened outside our four walls.

My old pal Molly, the freak with the elongated neck, purplish skin and currently guardian of my two talking cats, had been discovered and "Rescued" by a powerful force that had arisen. They'd told their "saviours" what had happened (as Simba had seen us be captured, but was too much of a pussy-cat to do anything about it) and they reported this back to their leaders.

The new force decided to stage a rescue attempt as both myself and Hagley were known to their leaders from the before The End times.

It was the first time I encountered The Gray Republic, and I should have known from their no-nonsense approach to their mission to "save" us, that things weren't as "friendly" as they appeared. My god I'm using a lot of quotation marks.

Hagley and I were halfway through our performance of our Glee style mash up of "Gold Digger" and "Purple Rain" in the panto Aladdin and The Beanstalk when suddenly the lights went out. There was silence for a few moments and the audience started getting restless.

The silence didn't last long, as the left hand side of the theatre exploded and what I can only describe as grey coloured stormtroopers from Star Wars, came crashing through opening fire on the audience. The directors fought back of course, using the lasers that had vaporised so many cast members and hopeful auditionees in their time. It was a bloody battle, but the Gray's won it.

The Audience were dead when in walked someone I'd not seen in a long time. I noticed The End had not been kind to him as his walked over to me dressed in grey armour that had seen more action than a pretty prostitute. I didn't recognise him at first as the left side of his face was badly burnt, but when he smiled I realised to my horror who it was. He spoke with his Wolverhampton accent "Alrite Hagley, did yow miss me?"

It was Hagley's boyfriend Myke. I looked at her and she fainted, an effect that I have on women, but today it was down to it being the return of her long thought dead partner. I too was happy to see him but my happiness wasn't long lived as Hagley's sister scuttled over to see him with her freakish spider legs.

"Myke, you're alive! Thank god"

In one move he pulled out a pistol and shot her through the head. "Kill all the freaks, orders are orders"

"Who's orders?" I asked in defiance.

"Under the orders of Emperor Gray!" he replied.

I knew who he was talking about, my friends Jayme and JoJo Gray. I wondered what had become of the Grays to make them so Anti-Mutant.

"I'm sure Jayme wouldn't want you to go killing people he knows, he knew Hagley's sister!"

Myke looked at me gone out and then said "I don't work for Jayme or JoJo you fool. I work for The Emperor"

My mind raced, if not Jayme or JoJo, then who? So I asked him.

"If not Jayme or Jojo, then who!?"

"Why Elliot of course... their son. Our illustrious leader!"

The last time I'd see Elliot, he was but a baby, however now he was in charge of this militia who were systematically killing off mutants! One of the soldiers went to shoot Leo, I tried to stop him and got knocked out.

When I awoke, I was a guest of Emperor Elliot and all was not well...

Deadly Premonition : The Review

Due to the fact that most of the people who read this blog wouldn't know what a Goomba is, I don't tend to write reviews on computer games, however today is an exception as I review Deadly Premonition.

I'd first heard of this title several years ago when it was called Rainy Woods. The trailer looked like a love letter to Twin Peaks and I couldn't wait to play it. Then I learnt is was an American release only, great sadness for Adamicus's Xbox 360 then!

However, they changed the name to Deadly Premonition and I got this game last year sometime.

I have tried to review this game for sometime now, but it's really hard to put my thoughts and feelings down onto paper or in this case on the keyboard. It's down to the fact that Deadly Premonition, isn't a game. Yet it isn't a film. It's a interactive experience that transcends what I would consider to be a mild form of entertainment to a work of art that absorbed me body and soul into it's narrative.

I can honestly say that I've never played a "game" like it. On completion of the game I simply turned off my console and sat there, processing the last few moments of the thrilling conclusion in both abject horror and biter sweet happiness. It was a few days before I played a game again as I really felt emotionally drained.
Just to be clear, as a game, this is far from perfect. But as an experience there truly is nothing else like it out there.

There won't be spoilers in this due to my respect for the source material and not wanting to ruin the journey for any of you who decide to play this.

So, what the hell is Deadly Premonition? Well I'd define it as a 3rd Person Psychological Horror.

The set-up is simple: In the town of Greenvale, a local girl has been murdered and the FBI have decided to bring in it's finest, Special Agent Francis "York" Morgan, to help solve it. But that truly is just the surface, and the idyllic town soon shows it's true colours as another girl is murdered.

The main character, Francis "York" Morgan, is an enigma from the get go. He breaks the fourth wall on several occasions referring to you as "Zach". The other characters in the game notice this but he always tells them not to ask him about Zach. When you're driving around in your car, York will begin to talk to you about films from the 80's. Even asking you questions about films and his opinion on it. It's not that dissimilar to American Psycho, where Bateman is talking about music seconds before burying an axe into a guys head. York is brash, impolite at points, untrustworthy of everyone and superstitious, he also has a mysterious past to add to his repertoire.

So he's a bit of an oddball, which is good news as the rest of the town is full of them. From Thomas a sheriff's deputy who is just a little camp to Sigourney the "pot" lady who is always worried that her pot will get cold to Harry Stewart a wheelchair bounded millionaire with a skull gas mask over his face. They're all weirdo's, except Emily, the lady police officer who seems to be the only normal person in town and also York's love interest.

The killer is known as "The Raincoat Killer" which is a pretty cool name and Raincoat looks pretty cool in a red raincoat, glowing eyes and an axe he takes around with him. He's not the only baddy you'll be facing as for some reason, when it rains and at night and in places where you're on your own, Greenvale becomes populated with zombies. Not just regular zombies, these guys literally bend over backwards like they're in the world limbo championships. They move slowly then suddenly speed up, also they have a weird blur surrounding which is a great visual effect when they appear. If they catch you, they don't eat your brains, instead they force their hand down your throat. It's pretty f**ked up. They can also take quite a beating, with several bullets before they finally go down. They can carry weapons sometimes and then there's the really annoying one that looks like the girl from The Ring. She's a bit of a mini boss and keeps turning up. She takes FOREVER to kill, which gets annoying when at one point, you're facing 3, one after another.

There's a lot to do in Greenvale and you're encouraged to take your time with the case. You can go fishing, play darts, take part in time trials, investigate Mystery spots where you can unlock new weapons, do side missions that reveal more about the characters and plot and collect cards that are scattered all over the place.
You've also got a map that has the location of everyone in Greenvale, so you can follow their movements. I had a particular disturbing discovery about one of the characters when I "peeked" through their window and found them doing something really really odd.

The game play is very much rinse and repeat. You goto a location, a cut scene happens, you investigate the location and then are on your own when zombies attack, here you'll also encounter Raincoat and have an on rails chase scene before uncovering the clues to lead you to the next location. The driving isn't great as your car feels pretty sluggish and the combat is dull. There's no multiple choice questions you can ask when you're speaking to someone either.

However, the narrative truly is the star. I played Deadly Premonition and from the get go I was hooked. York Morgan was like an old friend by the end, and the final act of the game got me quite emotional. I was awe struck with certain moments, laughing along with others and truly gobsmacked with the finale.

All this and for a low low price. Deadly Premonition is a budget title and you can currently pick it up for about £12.00. Also it's coming to Xbox Games On Demand service, so if you have a big enough hard drive and the price isn't too bad, it's well worth the investment. Especially if you like Twin Peaks.

It won't be everyone's cup of tea but for those of you who it strikes a chord with, play it till completion then tell me if you agree. SWERY, the creator is hoping to make a prequel, and I for one am hoping that too. More mainstream games should focus as much on the plot and characters as SWERY did as I've not come close to playing a game that can beat Deadly Premonition's emotional investment.

Well there you have it. Only took me over a year to get some of my thoughts about this seminal game down on this blog. Your current program of randomness will resume soon.

What's App Doc? : Mos Speedrun

Okay so for those of you who have the ability to purchase and play Apps to your hearts content, here's a little focus on a few Apps you may or may not know about that I would recommend.

Today, it's MOS SPEEDRUN (£1.19)

This is a cool little game where you control a character who looks like he's escaped Dr. Moreau's island unscathed. You control said mutant as you try and get from the start of a stage to the end (The end of a stage is a red letterbox... I'm not kidding) whilst avoiding zombies, bees, spikes, fireballs, drowning and other obstacles.

The controls are simple you have Left and Right in the bottom left corner and an Up arrow for jumping in the bottom right. The controls are quite responsive and your fingers don't obscure what's going on (like they can do in a lot of other apps)

Each stage has four medals to get. One for completing it, one for collection all the coins in the stage, one for collecting a hidden mask and one for doing it under a certain time (hence the title Speedrun) There are 25 stages in total split over 5 levels and become unlocked as you get medals for completing stages.

The music in the game sounds like what music will be like in the year 4000, when Japanese Robots have conquered the world, got bored and decided to organise a rave.

When you die, and you will, you start the stage again, however you will be joined by the ghost of your last attempt, complete with seeing your past self impaled on the same spike that killed you. The graphics fit well with the old school style of the game and each stage has a particular theme. One little thing I do enjoy is the zombies walk around with a sad look on their face, but if they kill you they smile, so at least they're happy. Your little ladybird mutant has four costumes to choose from, one is a bee costume which makes him look even more f**ked up so I tend to wear that the most.

Like most of these seemingly simple games, the difficulty does ramp up as you play, so be warned.

All in all it's a fun title that has a lot of replay value all for £1.19 or try the "lite" version for free.

Promises Promises

There will be a new blog, relating to my Journal of A Post Apocalyptic Office Drone soon I promise you. I'm just spending the free time I DO have putting the final touches to Edward Lobe : Dead Before Dawn before it's sent off somewhere (a landfill probably)

I'll be a father next month and imagine that most of my free time will then be absorbed by family rather than random posts/films. It's been a busy few months for me hence why this blog is gathering dust. It makes me sad to think that there's at least 1 person who reads this and won't have anything to read for a while and I don't want to lose my one reader now do I!?

So when I get an hour to myself I'll write a few Journals in advance and stagger them like me on a Saturday night.

In other news I've finished writing a short film called "Mobius Man" that will be filmed this summer. It's the horror equivalent to Ground Hog Day. It reads like an episode from the twilight zone which is what I was hoping.

We've pretty much cast the next to Edward Lobe films, with the BRILLIANT Izzy Paige and Scott Noble coming on board.

And finally there are 3 new Stoopid Studios projects which I'm writing/have written.

Contingency - A comedy about an emergency contingency planning committee set in the same "world" as my post apocalyptic journal blog

Foley Falls - A psychological horror about four men searching for a missing girl, but whilst they search for her in the woods, something searches for them.

The Disappearance of Terrence Fledwick - Okay, this is going to be a mind-f**k. I've had some crazed ideas in my time, but this takes the soggy biscuit and everything that goes on top of it. In this film the fourth wall will be demolished and the whole thing will be a mess of plot threads, characters and intrigue.

Well, that would probably also go a long way to show you that I HAVE been writing... just not on my blog :(

With that, I should go and feed the cyclops in the cellar (not a euphemism for my penis) as he is getting hungry. I do promise I'll update this blog with something a bit tasty soon.

Ciao!

More Stoopid Studio News

Stoopid Studios have a new website after our last website gained sentience and began to bid on ebay.

www.stoopidstudios.weebly.com

I'll be diverting my time between this page (which is gathering dust and I'm sure my readers no longer visit due to large gaps between updates) and the stoopid studios page.

We've got two more Lobe films coming and a slew of ideas that will hopefully come to fruition. I've also got back my good lady's laptop which had the only surviving footage of ENDLESS SETLIST which maybe someday will be compiled and aired, stranger things have happened.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about Journal, which you've probably stopped reading now. It will be finished and will be worth the wait (hopefully you'll think so too)

In other news, I'll be a dad very soon and am very excited to be able to have a miniature version of me to annoy and plague with my pointless conversations.

Ciao for now homo sapiens!