Zombie Survival - Finale

Alexis and I hurried down the corridor towards where Royston had gone, shotguns in hand, ready to pump a few shells into some undead. It was still darker than an episode of the Moomins, but I felt we could take on anything we came across as now we were fully armed and so close to the end of our journey.

At the end of the corridor, we came across a large door. It had some writing on it, but it was too dark to see what the hell it said, so naturally we opened the door and went in. It was pitch black inside the room we'd just entered so I felt along the wall until I found a light switch.

I whinced at the bright light, but as soon as my eyes had become adjusted I saw where we were. The holding pens. This is where all the scientists had been experimenting on the islanders, and a large ammount of zombified subjects were now looking at us from the other side of their cages, moaning loudly with their arms poking out trying to grab onto us. I imagine that that is what it feels like to be a woman on a night out up town.

At the far end of the room was a large computer monitor and a doorway with a bar across it. Infront of the door was Royston lying face down. We hurried over to him and prodded him with our shotguns. He was out cold.

Alexis pulled out the blueprints for the facility from his coat pocket "That door leads to the roof, I wonder why it's been closed off?" Curisoty killed the cat, I reminded him as I saw to Royston... by seeing to him, I mean bringing him round... as in arousing him... from his slumber! As I did this, Alexis took the bar off the door, and Royston woke up and had just enough time to shout "NO!!" before the door opened outwards and the familar claws of Pope grabbed onto Alexis's head, twisted and pulled away.

His headless corpse floundered for a moment then hit the deck like a sailor in a storm. Royston and I rushed the door and put the bar back across. "I.. I fended her off, and locked her out there, but I slipped and banged my head as I couldn't see where I was going in the dark. But, I was speaking to Polly... he's on this monitor!"

Sure enough, after Royston had a bit of a fiddle... with the monitor... the familiar crazed face of Polly came up. "Ahh, you're back! I managed to summon a rescue! A helicopter is going to pick us up. It'll be here really soon! I also found this failsafe, I'm about to press it. I just hope those scientists who placed this failsafe system knew what they were doing"

They didn't.

Polly pressed the fail safe button! At last, all those undead monstrosities would be dead for sure... well not quite. You see the fail safe system that the scientists had put in place was useless. They'd hidden toxic gas cannisters all over the island, and when the fail safe button was pressed it released the gas... however, it didn't affect the un-dead as they don't breathe. Great! So now, not only did we have the regular undead, the irregular undead like Pope and my bro to deal with, but now we also had deadly gas all over the island. At least Alexis had killed Bray, that was one less thing in the encyclopedia of things to worry about.

Polly, confused by the lack of zombie death, looked up at the camera and shrugged, but in that split second he was looking at the camera, my brother had appeared from nowhere and bit into his neck. Blood splattered over the camera lens and then it went dead. Just like Polly.

Royston slammed his stump onto the wall in anger, and then immediatly regretted doing it. "What now!?" he asked, rubbing his stump. The only thing on my mind was escape, escape from this disaster of an experiment. What the hell had I been thinking!? This was worse than that time I tried being a politician for a week and ended up starting the conflict in Iran!

"It's over" I said "We just have to get out of here". Royston nodded, but then looked at me and slowly muttered "What about Milli?" I'd forgotten all about that scottish bundle of energy in the last few moments, but now that the toxic gas had been released, if she was still on the island, she would be dead for sure, or un-dead if the zombies had gotten to her. I shook my head in regret and Royston understood. With his good hand, he grabbed the blueprint for the facility from Alexis's headless corpse.

"Before Polly died he signalled a resuce, the helicopter should be here soon and will be picking us up from the roof, so if we go up these stairs, get to the choppa, we'll get the hell out of here and be home in time to watch X-Factor." Royston summarised. I shuddered at the thought, I didn't know what was worse, spending more time on an island with the shambling dead, or watching X-Factor.

I opened the door and had a look for Pope, she was nowhere to be seen thank god, so Royston and I ran for it up the stairs as fast as we could. At last the nightmare would be over... Sure enough, it wasn't as easy as I thought it'd be. It never is. There, standing on the heli-pad, in his best gloat stance, was my evil brother, Kristofus.

"Well done, well done. You've made it this far, and you've brought me some transport. I intend to take my virus to the mainland and make everyone into my children." For a gay man, he seemed to like the idea of being a dad quite a bit. Is that odd? I digress.

So there was me, Royston and Kristofus on the roof of the facility. He was now some kind of superzombie, but superzombie or no, surely he'd be no match for the shotgun I was wielding. I raised it up and just before I shot tried to come up with a witty line, the only thing that came to mind was "merry christmas"... I don't really get why, and it had no relevance to anything that I'd been through, and there's wont be another moment where I get to say a pithy one liner before firing a gun. That's my biggest regret so far.

I'd never fired a shotgun, and it was obvious when I shot, as I flew backwards and landed on the floor. I scrambled to my feet to see that Kristofus was un-harmed and now Royston was un-armed... by that I mean, I'd taken off his arm with the shotgun blast.
"You stupid C**T!" he screamed, as I tried to reload. But my brother wasn't having any of it.

Using what I presume was his mind powers, he lifted me in the air and started choking me Darth Vader style. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, and was depressed to see that 70% of it was spent watching tv or playing computer games, but it did remind me of some old tv shows that I'd not seen in a while which I thought that I must really pick up on DVD.

I was about to die, when I noticed Royston pick himself up, and run full pelt at my brother, he made contact and they both went over the edge of the building and I was released from my brothers grasp.

My whole body ached (for the 25th time that week) as I stood up and walked over to the edge of the roof. Peering down I saw Kristofus and Royston impaled on a flag pole... both of them dead. I went back for my shotgun, reloaded and kept an eye out for Pope, or any other un-dead that would be after my saved bacon. In a matter of minutes I heard the helicopter, and I also saw the islanders. Running from all directions towards my location.

I heard them coming up the stairs, and unloaded a few shells into the crowd. The helicopter landed and I heard a familar voice "Addy, get in!!"

It was Milli. How the hell had she done it? The scottish power house had managed to get a helicopter!?!? I ran for it and clambered inside the helicopter... but not before another familar face got on board... It was Polly. I was kind of happy to see that like me Polly hadn't taken on any special abilities when he'd turned undead.

"Hold on to something" Milli shouted as she lifted the helicopter off the ground and tilted it, so both Polly and I started sliding out the side. I managed to grab on at the last second and Polly went falling to the ground with a confused look on his face. "Sorry about that, had to get rid of the dead weight." I was slightly annoyed at her quip, but buckled myself in the co-pilot chair.

I asked Milli what had happened, how she had managed to get a helicopter. She explained to me "Well, I had managed to get off the island in a boat, but out of nowhere a missile came and blew it up, I managed to get off in time. So there I was in the ocean, and I'm not very good at swimming, being scottish and all... well anyway, a helicopter came over as they'd tracked the missile launch and wanted to investigate. They found me, and took me back to the mainland, which isn't that far away. Well when I got back I told them about what was on the island, and they laughed at me. I decided I had to get proof, so stole a helicopter and a camera and was coming back to take pictures when I got Polly's message. Oh and I'm not very happy with you you big gay blade! You're going to have to explain to everyone what happened on this island, and that you were responsible for it all! You're going to hell you know that right?"

She was right, I didn't feel like I deserved to get off that Island in one piece. I turned to Milli and asked "what now?" she opened her mouth to say something, when she was ripped out of the cockpit by zombie Pope. I grabbed onto Milli's feet, but Pope was too strong, Milli was took off by Pope and left me holding onto Milli's shoes, and with a helicopter to pilot.

So I'm going down... in the helicopter. I don't know how to pilot it and I'm going to die. Maybe this is for the best, I just hope someone gets this message so that they can blow the shit out of that island. I was so stupid to mess with the forces of evil, and subject my friends to abject horror. It seems years ago since I first got to this Island with my friends, and one thing I want you to all know is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've done and I hope that

[Transmission Lost]

Zombie Survival : Almost there...

Being hauled up in a small room whilst hearing the relentless moans of the undead makes you really appreciate the little things in life that you wouldn't have appreciated before hand, like walking in the rain, or hot dinners or not hearing the relentless moans of the undead whilst waiting your inevitable demise.

Last you heard from me, my diabloical brother had taken control of the Laboratories and blown off poor Royston... sorry, poor Royston's hand. I had wondered how my brother had gotten to the laboratories before us, but it seems that he rode my zombified friend Pope (careful)... who had devleoped wings. Royston came too and was in agony due to a lack of hand, Polly was slowly loosing any composure that he had had thanks to the constant moaning and grunting coming from outside... it was like waking up in the middle of the night to wonder if daddy was hurting mummy again.

I was at the end of my tether, and was growing increasing rattled by the sounds outside. I suddenly lost my temper and kicked over a bin... which conviniently was hiding a hatch... yeah... convinient wasn't it? We sprang into action, like a... sprang, and opened the hatch, sure enough it lead to the sewer system... which if my knowledge of Sanitary Systems was correct, would lead us to the Laboratory! and from there we could pull the switch that was the fail safe for the island.

If you've ever seen the shawshank redemption you can appreciate what Polly, Royston and myself had to go through... no not prison life, or being soddomised, I mean crawling through shit and god knows what, till we finally reached our destination.

We came out in a shower cubicle, which thankfully was un-occupied. All the lights in the place were out, and if we had dropped a pin you would have heard it... drop. The eerie silence was split by Royston letting out a nervous fart. Outside the cubicles were several corridors, Polly suggested we split up, which in hindsight was a pretty bad idea, but at the time sounded good.

So we went our seperate ways, I chose to go down the darkest of the corridors, as I thought that if I couldn't see the zombies then they couldn't see me. The laboratories were empty of zombie life however, there was nothing remotely shambling in sight. I felt my way along the corridor till I came to a door with a sign on it. I couldn't quite make it out, but I opened the door anyway.

I had made my way into a control room! There were various different pc's monitoring things, and then it struck me... not an idea, I mean, Braymachine. He had been following me up the corridor. I flew over to the other side of the room as the hulking hulk of a zombie beared down upon me. I thought that my life was surely over and that you my long suffering readers would never know the fate of the island, if you indeed still cared.

But as Braymachine raised those enormous fists, to pound me, he gasped as a steel rod flew through his head. He slumped down ontop of me and nearly crushed me, but I wriggled free in moments.

Standing over the corpse was Alexis. I couldn't believe it! He told me that he had lied about being a zombie when he bit my brother... which made no sense, as he had actually turned my brother into a zombie... but Alexis told me he had not ime to explain.

He pulled out a chair and began to type at the keyboard, suddenly a radar turned up on the screen, and we saw the island, and a small blip moving away from the island.

"It must be some kind of a boat" Alexis said "We can't let anybody leave this island!!"

So Alexis pressed a button, which he told me had just launched a missile at the boat... at this point I didn't know what to believe, he was obviously unsure himself what was the truth anymore... I just hoped that if anybody WAS in that boat that it wasn't anyone I knew.

Alexis managed to bring up a floor plan... somehow!? and it showed that Polly had gone the right way to the fail safe switch... but Royston... Royston had gone straight into the heart of the facility... where all the zombies were.

Alexis opened up a cupboard and chucked me a shotgun. This time, it was time, to save Royston, before he became something other than human. Hopefully Polly would be able to pull the fail safe switch, and my brother would be none the wiser... then again... he's psychic now, which at the time, I'd forgotten...

Zombie Survival - Milli's Entry

Ohh dearie me... I don't know who will get this message in a bottle, but my name is Milli and I was part of a sick experiment by my so called friend Adamicus. He's turned Braymachine and Pope into scary things and I have no idea where they are now. The whole Island is over run by horror movie cliche's.

As I'm scottish, I'm usually lured to remote Islands by friends in hope that I'll be killed, but I never expected something like this to happen.

Luckily, after I lost Adamicus, I came across a jetty, and there was a boat. So I've finally found a way off of this Island, just in time really as I'm running low of Irn Bru!

I've decided to get in the boat and go for help, as I'm sure Royston and Polly are still on the island... as for Adamicus, I hope he's dead or worse.

Love Milli x

Zombie Survival: Penultimation!

So here I am... still on the island and still in a perpetual nightmare. I had hoped that my worries would have dissapeared like that bout of crabs I had a few years back, but instead it's stayed like that bout of Herpes I got in Vietnam.

So yes, as you have probably realised, everything didn't got quite as planned as Polly and I ran full pelt from the camp of my zombie infected brother towards the saftey of a helicopter pickup from Alexis's government friends.

At present I am sitting at a computer screen with Roystons blood caked over my shirt, taking this opportunity to just let you know whats going on before we begin an assault on the laboratories that my brother has now taken over.

You see we did as Alexis had said, we ran to where the helicopter was supposed to pick us up, but instead we found Royston shaking his head as he told us there was no rescue copter, instead, Alexis had lied, once again. He wasn't a member of any covert operation at all, he was just a compulsive liar. So it was back to square one for the three of us.

We took a moment to catch our breath and then decided what to do next. My brother would no longer cause us much of an issue as he was sure to join the ranks of the un-dead, and as he shares the same DNA as me, and nothing really happened to me when I turned, we figured he'd just be a regular zombie along with Alexis. However, Milli was still out there somewhere and this Island was still infested with the un-dead.

We had to stop the Zombie Virus (tm) here and now, and I reminded them that there was a fail safe on the island, that the scientists had installed which was located in the laboratories on the eastern side of the Island, however I didn't know which direction was which. But this is where Polly's slighted un-hinged mind came in handy. He had done a lot of navigating whilst he was a cub (he never made it to scouts) and quickly found North and began to lead us eastward towards our goal.

Night came fast in the overgrowth and on several occasions we noticed a few zombies milling about, but no sign of our friend Milli. Wherever she was we hoped she was safe and sound, but my heart was telling me that she was probably dead or worse.

After a few hours, we came upon a town, and our luck was really in. This was the place where the laboratories were located. Royston had a quick scout ahead and came back to tell us that everything was ok. To do this he turned round and gave an ok signal with his right hand... seconds after he did this, his hand exploded and he fell to the ground in agony.

"Sniper!" Polly shouted and we both dragged Royston back into the bushes whilst we heard several more gun shots. We wondered who was shooting, but it didn't take us long to find out. A voice filled all of our minds, it was my brother.

"You will not be coming to this base my friends, for it is now mine. From here I can control all of my children and create more thanks to the tonnes of Zombie Virus (tm) that are located here. That bite from Alexis made me stronger, sure I'm not a looker anymore but I am a god!"

I heard the same speech every christmas from my brother and was slightly un-impressed with the Zombie Virus (tm)'s effect on me. If my brother was some psychic zombie master, why was I just a shambler? I thought, maybe I should try getting bit again, but then quickly thought against it. We looked around and Polly and I managed to drag Royston into a building on the edge of the town. That's where we are now, Polly has wrapped up Royston's arm nicely and the bleeding seems to have stopped, but he's unconcious. The building we're in is surrounded by zombies, thanks to my brother directing them our way, and we still have no idea where Milli is.

Tomorrow, we get out of here, and one way or another we'll finish my little experiment on the island. Dead or alive... or un-dead... or un-alive. You get the point.

Zombie Survival : Day Three cont

It's getting harder to update you all on our progress, as the group are starting to get suspicious of my long "toilet brakes" but I think I've managed to fool them with my "I'm having a danger wank" line.

Yesterday after my update, we left the hotel and the small Port Venture and headed inland, after constructing various weapons from bamboo items from Hotel Lollypop and headed north till we came to a small garage which had an open top jeep, the keys were no where to be seen... until the zombie mechanic stumbled across us.

Milli did her usual scream as loud as she can, Pope vomitted some blood onto Polly's shoes who was more concerned with his Converse trainers than the rotting corpse. The Mechanic ran at us full pelt, I threw my bamboo spear at him, missing completly, Royston was up next and hit the zombie with his bamboo spade, however it splintered and the Mechanic kept coming. He leapt on Royston pinning him to the ground, Royston pleading for help all the while keeping the nashers of the Mechanic off of him.

That's when Braymachine stepped in, he stated "I need no weapons" and grabbed the Mechanic by the scruff of the neck and threw him over the opposite side of the garage. The Mechanic landed on his face and we heard a sickening SNAP as his neck broke in the fall. Braymachine casually walked up to the Mechanic and took the keys out of his top pocket. "There, wasn't that hard was it?"

Suddenly the zombies poured into the garage from all sides Polly jumped into the drivers seat and the rest of us piled into the back... except for Braymachine... who tripped as he ran to the jeep. As the zombies gathered round him, he chucked the keys to us, Polly revved up the engine and accelerated over the zombies, crushing a few, and then quickly reversed as the zombies turned their attention on us... as we sped away from the garage I looked back as the final signs of life dissapeared from Braymachines eyes...

I felt a bit guilty, one of my closest friends was now zombie chowder and another one of my friends is gradually turning into one... but wait. When I had the scientists develope Zombie Virus(tm) I also got them to develope Zombie Cure (tm) which would reverse the process of the former. The laboratory where it was held was underneath the hospital, the very place we were headed.

Polly bombed along the unkempt road from Port Venture all the while humming "golden brown" to himself in a manic state. Royston was the first to talk "well, I know Braymachine's dead...but he's given us a great headstart, I mean if they're eating him... they'll be there some time."
Milli gave Royston a cold look, I broke in before the potential argument "From what I remembered when I booked this holiday, there is a hospital in the next town over."

Polly stopped the car and turned to me "This is all your fault Addy, why the hell did you bring us here?" my heart skipped a beat, did he know more than I gave him credit for, or was he just blaming me for the death of a friend? Milli however turned on Polly and told him "How was Addy supposed to know about the zombies?" Polly then started the car up again and drove in silence till we stopped for a "toilet break"

And that brings us uptodate... today we'll be headed towards the hospital, and hopefully the underground laboratory. All my knowledge from horror movies is telling me that a hospital is a very bad idea to go when dealing with zombies, as where do the infected people go? Hospital to seek a cure of course... and instead end up dying and coming back from the dead. On that note, Pope is looking worse by the minute, if I dont get her the cure soon, well we'll have to deal with her the old fashioned way. Well Polly is honking the horn, I'll update you soon.

Zombie Suvival : Day Two -

I woke up this morning at about 3 am to see Cap'n Skipper in my bunk.

"Thar be a foul air to this journey, ya cud turn ye back if ye wanted and save yarselves the grizzly fate that awaits ye." he told me, and then walked out. Suffice to say I didn't get much sleep for fear of another bunk-invasion by the crazed seaman.

I got on deck at about 6am to find Royston playing with a Rubiks cube that he got from Port before we left. He, like me, had had no real sleep, but his reason was in his hands, mine was partly the Cap'n's fault and partly due to excitement and dread. Am I doing the most sensible thing taking my friends to their inveitable deaths, I thought as I unwrapped a strawberry cornetto, then I spent the next few minutes wondering where I'd got the cornetto from.

At 8am we saw Nefarious, the Island I'd infected with the Zombie Virus (tm), it looked quite nice in the morning light. Pope remarked "It looks so purty, I hope there is a bar there"

The first sign that something was wrong was when we tied up the boat at Port Venture. The little town seemed deserted. Cap'n Skipper told us he'd pick us up in a week and cast off, I think I heard him laughing as he went.

First thing Braymachine did was got out his PDA and tried to bring up a map of Nefarious on google, but he couldn't connect to the internet... I've never seen someone so lost as him when he couldn't google. Polly was happy though, he was glad we had no contact with the outside world as we could enjoy the holiday without interuption... little did he realise what we were about to face.

Milli and Pope decided to go and try and find a bar for Pope whilst the men went to check in at the Hotel. After a short treck through the deserted streets we arrived at "Hotel Lollypop", a large building which was where we were supposed to be staying on our first night on the island. Polly strode up to the front desk and pressed the bell on the desk, which to his suprise was covered in blood, he then peered over the desk and saw what he later described as "looked like one of Addy's ex-girlfriends" and ran out to be sick.

So we had a dead body on our hands and no sign of life (or un-life). That was until the girls came running towards us at quite a lick. "RUUUUUN!" Milli screamed at the top of her lungs. And to my horror(glee?) behind her were the townsfolk... very zombified, but not the slow kind of zombies, these were the fast 28 day later infected zombies!! Polly ran back in followed by Milli and Pope, Royston managed to snap Braymachine out of his non-google trance long enough for him to help barricade the bamboo door.

Royston jumped over the ex-girlfriend and grabbed keys to a room on the top floor ran halfway up the bamboo staircase and turned to us saying "come with me if you want to live". It was a pretty cool Arnie moment. We followed him up the bamboo stair case, along the bamboo hallway and into room 333, which we barricaded with bamboo furniture.

There were several questions from the group. What was going on? Why were the townsfolk attacking us? Why can't I access Google? Where's the liquer and why'd they bite me? What were we going to do? But none of us had the answers... well I did, but I wasn't going to let on just yet.

Milli and Polly were happy staying in the hotel, but Braymachine said he wanted to get the hell out of here, Pope concured saying she was "dry". Royston looked out the bamboo window and saw the zombies were surrounding the building. "It looks like they're not giving up" he said... followed by Pope's words "I don't feel so good" she then proceeded to vomit blood on the floor and fainted... Polly steadied her and applied his first aid training. She had a bite wound, and only I knew what that would lead to. "She needs to rest, but we need some medicine" Polly exclaimed. Milli had seen a small clinic when her and Pope were trying to find a bar.

Royston volunteered me, Milli and him to go looking for some medicine, hopefully I'll be able to update this as soon as I get back... oh and if you're wondering how I'm updating this but Braymachine can't access the internet... well like how I got the cornetto, it remains a mystery.

Would I survive?

I've recently been playing a computer game called Left 4 dead, in which you team up with 3 other people "online" and try to survive a zombie apocalypse.

This got me thinking as to how I actually would fare in a zombie survival situation. I've seen most zombie films, being fairly interested in the fall of society and the dynamics of a group of people going against insurmountable odds to survive.

In theory, due to the books and films I have watched, and common sense that I bought off of ebay, I believe I would be able to survive for some time in a post-zombie ridden world. However on paper, my abilities aren't great. I've never shot a real life weapon, I can't drive anything, I'm not out of shape but if there were fast zombies they'd probably get me and to top it all off I'm a coward. I'm that guy in a zombie movie who locks himself in a room, and has to listen to all the other survivors die. That guy usually meets a sticky end, in a bad way.

So as I'm a curious george, I decided to invest a lot of time and money into creating a zombie virus to unleash on the small population of an Island I'm currently purchasing (thanks to google and Wikipedia!)

I do however need some fellow survivors, I kind of double up as the coward/comic relief guy, so I need a black guy, someone with a disability, several women, an ex-military guy or a cop.

E-mail me your CV if you are interested. Ciao for now.