Half Arsed Review : The Woman In Black

I was home alone last night and decided that I'd take a look at a horror film as I had some Doritos and Ice Cream, which are hard to consume when button mashing an xbox game.

The Woman In Black is a very atmospheric horror and is well worth a watch if you like ghost stories. It centers on a lawyer who goes to a remote house on a causeway to tidy up the recently deceased lady's paperwork and gets more than he bargained for.

I had a bit of trouble with the titular character's name. Arthur Kipps was also the name of the main character from half a sixpence, so there's part of me that likes to think of this as the unofficial sequel.

The film starts off really creepy with three girls having a tea party, which isn't creepy in itself, but it's when they suddenly stop and stare right at the camera that you get chills and what happens next sets the whole tone for the film. The special effects are very good and don't detract from the piece (here's looking at you Insidious) and the whole film is reeking in foreboding atmosphere.

My only complaint? Daniel Radcliffe. When he's first seen I found it hard to not think of him as Harry Potter, which isn't the actor's fault, it's just all I've seen him do for the past however many years he's been doing it for. It doesn't take long however for him to shake off Hogwarts and become a single parent/lawyer. But he's just not a very good actor in my opinion.

Case in point. At one moment in the film he's angry at someone for not warning him about the titular woman of the title, however instead of portraying a realistic amount of anger, bitterness and resentment he just comes across as being a little "ticked off"

He doesn't detract from the film as a whole, but I wish they'd have chosen a more well rounded actor who can portray emotions other than "teen angst" (I think Radcliffe may have played the part on stage, and maybe he's more suited for that version if it is the case)

But aside from this, I think it's a great return to form for Hammer Studios and a worthy addition to any horror fan's collection. The film made me jump, made me anxious and didn't outstay it's welcome.

[REC]athon < It's happening baby!

As Danny DeVito sang to his "twin" in the aptly named "Twins", "tonight is the night bro" or maybe he sang tonight is YOUR night. I don't know. It's been a while since I've watched Twins, the movie I mean, not dirty pornographic twins. Not that I watch dirty pornographic twins. Oh dear.

Anyway, tonight, is the night, for my long awaited [REC]athon. The first film [REC] being one of my favourite horror films since The Grudge, I have high hopes for the sequel, which some genius named [REC]2.

Joining me for this will be my evil brother Kristofus, my thoughts on [REC]2 and the whole [REC]athon will be up sometime in the near future.

Ciao for now

Deadly Premonition

You know by now if you've read my blog, that I'm a fan of watching bad movies. I'm also a fan of playing bad games, and seeing just how bad they truly are.

I'm also a fan of survival horror games and the two genres of bad gaming and survival horror have spawned "Deadly Premonition" a twin peaks style abortion of a game.

I thought it was only destined for foreign shores, however, as of 17th Sep, it'll be over here, and I intend to get it and tell you just how awful this game really is.

I'm actually realising that my life is a survival horror, this morning I had to walk to work, all 4 miles, and am now sitting under a flickering light that I doubt will get fixed anytime soon and I'm having to listen to my work colleague drone on about her dull life. If I didn't have bills to pay, I'd walk right now!!

I am [REC]2-less, hear me roar!

So my plans to have a [rec]athon were cut to ribbons when a series of unfortunate events befell me.

First off, I forgot my pin number. My brain drew a complete blank when I got to the cashpoint and after my 3rd failed attempt I had to call the bank and get it un-blocked. I tried again later and another 3 failed attempts blocked my card and I have to wait 5 days for a reminder, the bastards! I don't see why they couldn't tell me it over the phone, after going through more security than a Hogwarts vault to even speak to someone!

In the end though, my wife gave me her card and I went off to my local Asda, to find that they didn't have [REC]2 in store. So I traipsed over to Blockbuster... they too had no [REC]2. Unfortunately, I had exhausted my options as Rugby is THAT shit.

I was angry, angry that you could pick up the latest entry in the tired franchise that is saw, but you couldn't pick up a copy of a horror that truly tried something different... then I realised, thanks to a tweet, that it is not the 20th of August, but the 20th of September that [REC]2 is released... So, my bad.

However, my weekend wasn't all bad, I did see Blood Diamond, which is a fantastic film and I highly recommend it, also I saw Inception at the Imax, so await for the half arsed review. :)

[rec]athon

For those of you who like horror films, I urge you to watch [REC], a Spanish horror film about a news reporter and her camera man stuck in an apartment building with a bunch of tenants who quickly become infected by a demonic virus. It's claustrophobic, scary and just a great film.

When I heard [REC]2 was coming out I was apprehensive at first, due to the quality and the nature of the ending from the first. However, I've heard nothing but good reviews for it, so I thought I'd go see it in the cinema on release. But as it's a Spanish film and has subtitles, it only got shown in remote locations in the country.

So I had to wait for the release of the DVD, and it is out today! Yay!

As the 2nd film is set 15 minutes after the first, I thought it'd be a good idea to watch them back to back, so tonight I will pick up the DVD on my way home and am having my evil brother and his friend over to peruse the visual horror.

Expect a half arsed review if I survive the night.

Half Arsed Review : Predators

You're not technically a man, until you've seen Predator. That's not a lie, that's a fact. The first question a potential father-in-law should ask to his daughters chosen mate should be "Have you seen Predator". If the answer is no, that means his daughter is either a Lesbian, or this man has no balls.

It's not too late for all you guys who haven't seen it. So get onto Amazon, or wherever it is you kids do your shopping these days, and pick up a copy. Hell, even if you're a woman, you should see this film, as it's based on a true story about an invisible alien.

Predator is a seminal classic, which even on re-watching through rose tinted glasses, still holds up and doesn't have to rely on CGI to shoot it's adrenaline and machoistic thrills straight through your eyeballs and out of your scrotum!

I wouldn't say it to his face, because me and Arnie don't see eye to eye ever since that winter in Aspen, but Arnie was never an amazing actor. However in Predator, he does a grand job. He plays Dutch, a bad ass squad leader, and is believable in every second he's on the camera.

The dialogue in Predator is straight to as macho as you can get and amusing at points. One of my favourite lines is in this movie. One soldier is cut, his friend turns to him and says "Hey, you're bleeding"... the soldier, pulls out a grenade, blows up a machine gun nest and then quips "I ain't got time to bleed"

I want THAT put on my gravestone, not the whole quote, just that last bit "I ain't got time to bleed" because anyone walking through a graveyard, would think twice about pissing on that guys grave!

Anyway, the film is true 80's brilliance, check it out.

After the success of the first film, they decided to make a sequel, and some bright spark thought that it'd be a good idea to put the Predator in a different kind of jungle... a concrete jungle! He also thought that Danny Glover would kick ass like he did in the Lethal Weapon franchise!

He was wrong. Unlike Lethal Weapon 2 which rocks, Predator 2 sucks. This time it's about a cop whose after the alien crab-face, and it's just cheesy. Avoid this, like you would the 2nd and 3rd matrix films.

Next the Predators resurfaced in the Alien Vs Predator films, which I didn't think were terrible, but the Predators themselves weren't anywhere near as threatening as they were in the original movies they were borrowed from, or maybe that was because they were up against the truly terrifying Aliens? It'd be pretty hard for anyone to look bad-ass against the Aliens unless your name is Ellen Ripley.

Then I heard Predators was coming out, and that it was returning the dreadlocked deadlies to their natural habitat. The Jungle. Plus, it had Adrian Brody playing the titular role, which was an odd choice making me think, this film was trying something different yet staying true to the original films brilliance.

The film starts off with a bunch of random people falling into a jungle, mistrusting each other due to not knowing how they got there and all thinking that someone in their group knew more than they were telling. The fact that all these people were killers of some variety was obvious from the offset, and the play on the title that these people were predators of a kind was spoon fed to the audience which disappointed me.

The film started off great, even borrowing heavily from the music out of the original movie and a hint of the Alien soundtrack appeared at one point raising a fan boy smile from me, but when the CGI Preda-dogs turned up, my heart sank. They looked fake and really weren't needed.

The only interesting characters in the film was Adrian Brody's character "Royce" and the lady, who I can't be bothered to google to find out her name, so she shall be known as "the lady" from this point forth. The others were all stereotypes, you had Danny Trejo playing a Mexican enforcer, some Asian dude playing a yakuza, a Russian playing a thick Russian brute, Shane from The Shield playing a convict, a black dude playing a member of an African death squad and the guy who played Venom and ruined Spider Man 3 for everyone was playing a "Doctor"

You have to be pretty stupid when Royce is detailing that all of them are killers except for the doctor, not to guess that Venom is lying about who he really is. The pay-off for his character is disappointing to say the least.

Lawrence Fishburn turns up half way through as a deranged bastard, and his character's screen time is a bit cheesy but helps move the plot on. One thing he does say, makes no sense whatsoever. He explains that the predators come down to hunt, and if they lose they adapt their tactics and learn from their mistakes.

Which is bull shit. These Predators are using the same heat-vision that Arnie managed to dupe back in the jungle. Surely with all their technology they would have made a decent vision mode that couldn't be fooled by mud?

There were some cool moments, like the nod to the first predator film when someone talks about Arnie's character's encounter, Danny Trejo's final scene, the free fall at the start and the score as a whole was pretty good.

Anyway, apart from some gaping plot holes here and there and some predictable twists, the film isn't half bad. It's a lot better in my opinion to Predator 2, but still not quite using the Predator as well as he was in the first film. Maybe the obligatory Predators 2 which I'm sure will come out, will be able to learn from past mistakes?

We shall see...

The Shambling Man of Rugby

I've come across some strange sights whilst walking places in my time, but Rugby has recently produced something very odd indeed.

A few weeks back, I was on my way home from my daily toil, when I came across this strange fellow. As I was walking through town, I saw a man, in a dressing gown with a cooler box.

The cooler box was on the floor, and the man was pushing it forward. It must have been heavy as he was moving at speeds of 3! Shambling along with the box for a few minutes then stopping and resting.

I watched him for about fifteen minutes, before I set back on my long journey home. I thought to myself that this strange man must have some form of mental health issue or was doing some invisible theatre, but I thought no more of it afterwards as this kind of stuff happens to me a lot.

However, the following week, I was nearing my homestead, when what should I see in front of me?! The Shuffler! This time shuffling past peoples houses.

I crossed the street as I wasn't sure if he would lash out at passersby, and watched as he pushed the cooler till he tired out, then he sat on it. The creepiest thing about this however was he was sitting on the cooler facing some one's house, and would have been able to see straight through their front window.

I went home and told my long suffering lady wife all about this strange man, but she dismissed it as here say! The fool!

So, this brings me to my last sighting... yesterday, he was waiting for a bus, sitting on his cooler.
I wondered how he'd get the cooler on the bus, as it seemed so heavy that he wouldn't be able to lift it. I mused with the prospect of asking him what was in the cooler, but then I thought, what if what's in the cooler is the last person who asked him what's in the cooler? So I left it alone.

I've asked a few people if they've spotted The Shuffler, but so far, I'm the only person I'm aware of who's seen this odd fellow... I'm beginning to think maybe he's in my head, a sign that my already fragile mind is imploding, or maybe it's me from the future!? That's his time machine he's pushing around??

I intend to investigate further, hopefully finding out that he's just a sorry soul who has mental health issues as oppose to a future version of myself, or a serial killer. If I can snap him on my camera, I'll put up a picture!

Stay tuned for more info :)

Half Arsed Review : The Cradle Will Fall AKA Baby Blues

Okay, I've seen some pretty sick movies in my time, but this film, takes the biscuit, gets a bunch of it's mates round gets them to cum all over it, before force feeding you it whilst it murders your parents.

Let's get on with this horrendous piece of cinema/sickness.

I put this film on my Lovefilm rental list as it sounded like a good horror/thriller...

"With her husband gone and the stress of family life rising, Mom suffers a psychotic break due to postpartum depression that compels her to exterminate her four children, aged between 10 and 3 months.

Now hope for the family's survival rests on the shoulder of eldest son Jimmy, surrogate man of the house. Using his wits and intricate knowledge of the farm, Jimmy must try to protect his siblings while fending off the woman he has always known and loved as his mother. Thus, it comes down to the most epic of battles, Mother vs. Son, in the most horrific of scenarios. "

Okay, so from that I kinda figured it was a cross between Home Alone and Halloween, and in a good non-sickening way, right?

I mean, it makes it sound like the mum tries at various points to kill her children, but her cunning son Jimmy is one step ahead of her? Right?

Wrong.

Fifteen minutes in... you're staring at a dead baby.

It's not hidden like most baby deaths in film, this baby is lying motionless on a bed as it dawns on the son Jimmy that his mum has just murdered his baby brother.

He confronts her, gets knocked out, wakes up to find her trying to drown his kid sister as she's "Evil", he stops her by hitting her with a hand mirror, and tells his younger brother to get on his bike and go get help.

Five minutes later, that same young brother is outside the house next to his bike, with his crazed mother telling him to get inside the house and his older brother shouting that she's sick and he has to get help... one minute later and that young boy is stabbed to death over the porch by his mother, as the girl looks on and wets herself.

I wanted to turn the film off at this point, but it was one of those instances where you were just too horrified to move.

So mum chases the other two kids through a field of corn, in a combine harvester of all things, before they loose her and end up in a barn. The young girl's leg isn't great so she can't climb onto the 2ND level with the brother and instead hides in the hay.

Three minutes on, she's been killed by her mother.

By the end of the film, she has killed her baby, her youngest son, her daughter, a pig, a dog, a few chickens and a stoned neighbour... but all is not lost as Jimmy manages to contact his dad via a radio (he's a truck driver) and blows the house up.

Cut to some random time later and the boy is in some kind of clinic, recovering from the vast injuries and psychological trauma he had gained from his run in with mum. Only for his dad to come in and tell him that his mum is pregnant (the boys, not the dads) and that the doctors have explained that none of it was the mum's fault as she was mentally ill, so he wants the mum to come and live with them again as she's pregnant with another one of his children.

So not only does this film have some of the sickest imagery I've ever seen in a movie, but it also has the most ridiculous ending I've seen in a film for a long time.

I mean, in this weird bizarro world, if you've killed your children, a man, and several animals, it's quite likely that if it was caused by a mental illness that you'll be released back into society as long as you've got some medication.

At that point, I shouted "Bull shit" at the television due to my complete disbelief at the stupidity of the ending.

So, a sick movie with a pathetic ending, the only saving grace is the acting of the children in it, but I wouldn't expect to see them in anything else soon as they will need to spend the next forty years in therapy.

Do not see this movie, it's horrendous and upsetting.

Half Arsed Review - Wrong Turn 2 - dead end

I try to avoid the bastards at the local super-hyper-ultra store that they call ASDA, as I go in for milk and come out with the cow. This time, that cow came in the shape of a Wrong Turn box set on DVD.

I'd seen the first Wrong Turn a while back, which stars the ever loving Buffy wanna be Eliza Dushku as a happy camper against some crazy hill-billys that are a cross between the guys from deliverance and the mutants from The Hills have Eyes.

It was an enjoyable little gore fest and when I saw the box set at a dirt price I picked it up, expecting the direct to Doovd sequels to be below par, but I was pleasantly surprised with the 2nd film.

The plot is simple, a reality TV program about surviving an apocalypse begins filming in the same forest that the crazy hill billy bastards live, and as they split up they get picked off one by one.

The old "reality TV" angle has been done in the past in horror films, working well in "My Little Eye", so I wasn't sure how this would work, but it's a decent excuse to get some bodies into the woods.

I was a little disappointed that I guessed who would have survived, but there was one shock death in there for me so that made up for it. This film, is pretty gory, with one person in the first few minutes literally being sliced in half. So if you've got a queasy disposition, don't check this film out. If you don't mind the gore, you'll enjoy a light horror with some decent effects and decent performances from all involved.

I'd give this film 3 severed fingers out of a possible 5.

John Carpenter

It's rare that I get a chance to talk to anyone famous, let alone one of my favourite directors. Last year I got a five minute chat with John Carpenter:


Me: Thanks for doing this interview Mr. Carpenter

John: Call me John, Mr. Carpenter's my father.

Me: Okay John, so out of all your movies, I gotta say Halloween is by far my favourite

John: You didn't like Assault on Precinct 13?

Me: Yeah, it's a classic, but I prefer Halloween

John: You're one of those, I see. I've done a slew of work, but you people only want to know about Myers.

Me: Don't get me wrong I do love all your work, but Halloween blew me away... So, what did you think to the remake?

John: Well Zombie did an interesting job with it, but you can't beat Donalds's performance as Dr. Loomis. I mean, you watch that film and he's scarier than Myers!! The bit where those kids go up to the house and he does a freaky voice... that wasn't in the script, that wasn't even on the set... we'd followed Donald home one evening and that's what he liked to do with his time. In fact, between you and me, Donald never even saw the script, he just made it up as he went along, he believed there really was a killer and that he was actually Dr. Loomis. Method acting fruitcake. When Michael disappeared at the end of the first film, Donald locked himself in his house for months, for fear Michael would come back for him.

Me: That true?

John: The last man to call me a liar was John Romero, and I killed that son of a bitch twenty years ago.

Me: John Romero is still alive

John: That's Stan Lee! You ever seen the two in the same place? That's why the last few "of the dead" movies sucked, what the hell does Stan Lee know about Zombies?

Me: Um... The music, from Halloween, you composed right?

John: Composed is a strong word for what I did. You even listen to that music. I was off my tits on crystal meth at the time. Debra, Debra Hill that is, was with me at the time and she'd puked all over a keyboard after she realised we'd just eaten her cat and put the Chinese takeaway outside. So I was cleaning up the mess and in my drug addled state came up with the tunes you heard in the movie.

Me: So... Michael Myers's mask, is it true that it's a Captain Kirk mask painted white?

John: Yup, it's all true.

Me: Why William Shatner?

John: Well, a lot of hippie's and commies will tell you that I didn't have a budget to get a decent mask made, but that's baloney. You see, you've gotta understand, that back when I made Halloween, people were scared of Bill Shatner. You think people watched Star Trek for the Sci-Fi? No, they watched it because they were scared of what would happen to them if they didn't. Shit, we were all scared of Bill. My original concept for Halloween wasn't about Michael Myers at all, it was about Bill Shatner killing people. When I went to the studio with it they were too scared to do it, so instead suggested I make up a character. But I made a compromise and used a Shatner mask, painted it white so he couldn't recognise his mug. I mean, Shatner's a scary looking bastard as it is, a pure white Shatner... now that's creepy. The amusing thing is the writers of Star Trek the next generation came up to me and wanted Michael Myers to be in it, I told em to go screw 'emselves, but they made Data anyway! Well kid, I gotta go, I've got a fight with Wes Craven in a pub car park in 3 minutes.

Me: Right, well thanks for talking John.

John: No problem, which magazine are you with anyway?

Me: I'm not, I do a blog

John: Oh for fuck sake, I've wasted precious Carpenter time on a wanna be fuck like you, get out of my sight before I write a film about killing you.

---

Sometimes the people you most respect the most are the ones that deserve it the least.

Ciao for niaow.

Half Arsed Review - The Un-Invited

I watched the Un-Invited last night, which after 5 minutes seemed really familiar, and after a quick look on IMDB my suspicions were confirmed that it was an American "re-imagining" of the Korean mind-fuck "A Tale of Two Sisters".

The Korean movie, was great. Had some pretty disturbing imagery in it and had an awesome twist I didn't see coming, and was a total mind-fuck to boot, as I mentioned above.

The Un-Invited has elements that are the same as the Korean movie but it's not identical like "Funny Games" or "The Ring". So I did enjoy it as a film in it's own right but certain things did seem predictable... and that was before I realised I'd seen something similar before.

This film, however, does get the coveted 10 point prize, of having the BEST opening line in any movie I have ever seen so far up to the point of me writing this sentence...

The main girl (who is played by the older girl from A Series of Unfortunate Events) is kissing some Emo kid on a beach, and they're getting a little hot and heavy. He looks at her and then uses the best line I have ever heard.

"I love you... I've got a condom"

Wow, this guy was doomed to die a virgin!

Anyway, check it out if you've not seen the original or if you have and want an american comparrison. It's got some decent acting in it and some jumpy moments. There are moments where you'll shout at the television due to stupidity of the central characters, but no more than any other mid-tier horror.

For a hardenend horror fan like me, it didn't bring anything new to the table, but differs from the original movie to become a film in it's own right.

If I had to give it a score then I would, but as this isn't Nazi Germany I wont.

Halloween Horror Films : Boo

Ok, this is one I've been meaning to talk about for sometime.

Some horror films are bad, but so bad that they are funny, and there's a sick part inside of me that seems to appreciate bad horror films as a unintentional comedy classics.

However, some horror films, are so bad, they are terrible. Which brings me onto Boo, which is probably the worst horror film ever made.

The premise, a bunch of kids go to stay in a haunted hospital overnight, a friend of the boys has already gone inside to set "spooky" traps to scare the girls, so the guys can get laid I guess. Plus we get the story of an ex-cop/movie star (I kid you not) and some long haired guy who's sister has gone missing. The only decent character in the movie is the ex-cop/movie star, and he's under-used.

The plot is stupid, the scares are non-existent, and for some reason everyone keeps melting. Oh, but the main gripe I have is the continuity. One scene a guy gets shot in the arm, the next few scenes after he's just walking around as if nothing has happened. Now, I'm not sure what happens when you get shot in the arm, so maybe that IS how you react.

To find out, I've purchased a gun and will try to continue the rest of this short take on the film with a bullet wound. Here goes.

Holy shit that hurts. I'm typing one handed at the moment... ohh feeling dizzy...

The cast are unlikeable at best, and the story is really... really predictable... One thing that really pisses me off about this though is there's a bit with the ex-cop/movie star guy right near the beginning, where you see his (film?) and in it he lights a match and kicks it at "Blackula" killing him.

Then, there's a bit later where he has the chance to use this move on a villain, only for the match to fizzle out. What a waste of film!

My eyes, are a bit blurry so sorry for spelling... jeeze this hurts...

There's a ghost dog bit that probably cost them more to do than the whole film which is an ok special effect but doesn't do anything for the overall film.

If you're going to watch a horror film, there's a similar but highly superior film "House on Haunted Hill" which has a similar premise and a bit where a guy gets pencils through his eyes... awesome... and unlike this shit, he's not walking around the next scene as if nothing happened!

Yeah so don't watch this movie... I'm off to the hospita...

Halloween Horror Films: Trick R Treat

Back in the history of horror films, there was the morality tale, a warning that if you wern't good then you'd end up being killed or worse. They were the kind of films that they should show children at a very very young age, to deter them from doing anything at all wicked. Tales from the Crypt was a show dedicated to these kind of tales. Where you'd have some person who'd wronged someone else and end up getting their just desserts.

Sam Raimi's seminal Drag Me To Hell was a whole film dedicated to a morality tale, but usually these morality tales are short stories which are compiled into one film with three or four parts.

Creepshow was one such film that gave us some great little stories all in one package, and Stephen King's Cat's Eyes was another that had some great plots and interesting ideas.

So this brings me onto Trick R Treat, a film with five short horror stories, but this one differs from the usual formula, as all of them happen in the same town, on halloween night and are all interwoven.

None of the stories are scary, but they're all decent stories none-the-less. The character that is in all the stories is a little creature called Sam, who represents the spirit of Halloween. He's a little kid with a burlap sack over his head, and does look creepy. I'd like to see more of him in the future, but was a little dissapointed at the reveal of what's under the mask.

Brian Cox was especially fun to watch too, and I was racking my brain trying to figure out why he deserved the treatment he was getting, other than being a grumpy old guy there seemed to be nothing wrong with him. I was happy for the payoff of his story.

The whole thing is very enjoyable and has high production values. You won't be hiding behind your sofa, but the writing and subtle twists make it a pleasure to watch.

Halloween Horror Films : Drag Me To Hell

With Halloween impending, I'll be letting you know about some films to watch and films to avoid for the season of the witch.

First off I'd like to start with the latest film from Horror legend Sami Raimi. Mr. Raimi brought us classics like the Evil Dead films, the remake of The Grudge for american viewers and he did the Spider Man Films (don't hold Spiderman 3 against him!)

Like Kunta Kinte, Raimi has gone back to his roots with a spectacular horror movie which goes to show you should never f**k with a gypsy.

Here's the Wikipedia synopsis for you:

The plot revolves around loan officer Christine Brown (Alison Lohman), who tries to impress her boss by refusing to extend a loan to a gypsy woman by the name of Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver). In retaliation, Ganush places a curse on Christine which, if not passed on to someone else within three days, will plunge her into the depths of Hell to burn for eternity.

Well, Mrs. Ganush is terrifying. She starts off as a harmless old lady, with bad dental problems, but soon she becomes a horrifying creature that you would not like to meet down an alley at any time of the day.

Most horror films signpost the jumpy bits with a crescendo. Raimi does the same, and scares you when you think it'll happen, but then moments later will get you again. He's also managed to get some dark humor into the mix, with some great slapstic moments that seems like they've come straight out of Evil Dead, and some funny lines and visual effects.

All in all this is a great horror film, it's not the scariest film you'll see, but the story is great, the characters aren't two dimensional and you're rooting for the main character all the way.

This is a great return to form for Raimi, and I recommend you check this out this Halloween.

Keep your own damned music!!

I watched a trailer the other day for Daybreakers, a family friendly movie where vampires have taken over the earth thanks to a virus of some kind (aids?) and humans are in very short supply (kind of like I am Legend but with less butterflies) and Sam Neil has developed a synthetic blood formula to stop vampires turning feral. Obviously, something's not quite right or the movie ends there I guess, well it seems that the humans can turn vampires back into humans (through a bite maybe?) and they decide to turn Ethan Hawke into a regular human to help them survive. Now the film looks quite good, however... the music they use for the film is the SAW music.

Now come on. The SAW music is very reognisable after seeing five films with the same theme tune, so why have they pilfered it for this movie? That would be like Knight Rider stealing the A-Team theme tune, you'd be watching it thinking, oh this is cool, and then realise wait... this is not my beautiful wife, this is not my beautiful house, my god what have I done!?

One movie a lot of films pilfered from was The Hunt for Red October, which had a cracking sound track, and a lot of film makers thought so too, so decided that instead of getting someone to write a new soundtrack for their film, they'd use the one from Hunt for Red October.

It's obvious that Hollywood is running out of ideas, what with so many re-makes and franchise re-boots coming out at the moment in the near future and the fact that they're recycling old music from other films is proof of that too. I reckon we should forget the film reboots, and instead we should do a Hollywood reboot. Get rid of them all and replace them with other people, talented writers, musicians, actors and the like.

But who would you get to star in these new films... It would have to be a great actor, probably tall, gangly, not easy on the eye but not repulsive either... what me? Well I'm flattered, but I could never leave my low salary low enjoyment filled office job, sorry.

And that's why I hate my life :)

Turkish Horror (18+)

This was something that I failed to post earlier on last year, but it's not for the feint hearted as it's a toilet based story, with all the gory bits left in.

As I've not been on a while, I thought I'd share a delightfully horrendous honeymoon holiday horror in Hisaranu, which I suggest you don't read. Ever. It's some creative writing based on a particular bad bathroom experience... read at your own peril!

The setting? A romantic meal, at a lovely restaurant that was part of a hotel, on my honeymoon in Hisaranu...

It came from the middle of nowhere, during a routine romantic meal, pain struck my gastric system and my stomach swelled to dangerous proportions. It must have been the spicy food I had been eating the night before against my better judgement, and now I had inadvertently put myself in a position where I was in deep water. I was sitting in the restaurant, un-buttoning my fashionably touristy shorts so that my stomach could spill out and relieve some of the mounting pressure on my bloated belly, a strange sight on me I assure you, when those familiar pangs of gastric disaster made me aware that I had better evacuate not only the table from where I was sitting, but also my bowels.

I was in one of those moments of sheer digestive-system torture, where my face could not hide the pain and discomfort I was feeling, so no funny quip from me about going to shake hands with the Arab, or saying I was using the facilities. She knew, without a doubt, what I had to do, and knew that I would be leaving her on her own in a strange country, alone, for some time. I simply told her where I was going, and left as quick as I could without making it look to obvious that if I didn't hurry that I would actually soil myself.


The toilet area was down stairs, and with each step closer to the landing zone, the need for expulsion rose higher and higher, my hand holding my shorts up at the waist, trying to retain some dignity, although at this point, I didn't care about anything except reaching my destination within the next few minutes, or the stairs would be the location of the worst disaster since the titanic.

I walked through the door to the lavatory and the smell warned me of what was to come before I even had a chance to gaze upon the marvel of the Turkish toilet facilities. My first thought was that I would be walking into a room with a hole in the middle of the floor, shit smeared everywhere and a jug of water to wash down whatever morsels escaped the maw of the sewage pipe, but I was in for a rare treat. These facilities were of western ingenuity! No squatting down on the floor like a monkey/dog/robot for me!

A quick glance round the room lifted my spirits a bit, as I was alone. This would make the next part of my inevitable journey all the easier, as when an audience is present, I am a true English gentleman, and just cannot go for fear of being heard, I kind of tend to clench up with stage fright. There were two cubicles, one with an out of order sign on it, the other, remarkably intact.

I hobbled over to the "in order" cubicle, wincing with pain and listening to the complaints my belly was grumbling as I moved. As I got closer to the door the smell increased, whatever had died in here was behind this door, but I couldn't risk trying to find another toilet, so I had to brave the inevitable.

I half expected to open the toilet and find a dead goat looking up at me, or someone making a kebab from eight year old dead cats whilst simultaneously riding the pine. But nothing, there was no shit smeared walls, or expired wildlife, instead there was a regular toilet, with the worst smell I'd ever smelt in my nostril's memory. I closed the door and got ready to assume the position, when I stopped myself.

Even in the midst of my pain and anguish, I checked the toilet area for dangerous insects (and people say they movie Arachnophobia doesn't teach you anything) and apart from blood sucking flies I was safe.

I tore several pieces of toilet roll off of the holder, that was hidden behind a plastic dispenser that took up 80% of the cubicle, then placed the toilet roll so it had about 9 layers between my skin and the toilet seat. I pulled down what I needed to and had to sit with my face nearly touching the other side of the toilet cubicle thanks to the enormous dispenser.

The calm before the storm lifted and what came next was the stuff of nightmares. I was afraid to begin with, and as a result nothing was forthcoming, instead I had to initiate the push. It was battle stations in my bowels, and alarms were ringing, pain shot across my bow and I clenched my fist and fought through the tears... a wrenching, excruciating process gripped me for the next few moments, and those moments felt like eons. The war raged on and the invading forces were being expelled, but the force was greater than I had hoped... my imagination ran wild as to what was happening where I could not, nor dare not look. Thoughts of a ripping motion below made me wince, which enabled the intruder one last desperate attempt to re-enter my atmosphere. However, I soldiered on, and with one last push and a yell I was able to expel the demon. The battle was over, but the enemy had left it's fare share of wounds. My stomach still wounded from the encounter with the monstrous evil that had infested my being. I wiped my brow, reached for those last few remaining precious sheets of toilet paper, and finished the job.

I revelled in the flushing of the beast, opened the door, and went to the sink. After washing my hands I looked into the reflection in the mirror, the man staring back at me was a shell of his former self, the blood gone from his face and in his eyes I saw the knowledge that the battle may have been over, but the war, the war would never be won. One day, when I'm least expecting it, a similar or greater force would be waiting... but next time... I'd be ready....

Trailer - Edward Lobe in Dead Before Dawn

Hello again!!

I know it's unsual for me to be updating this much, you must think I've become un-employed, or have swine flu and nothing to do...

Well neither are true, hopefully, and to celebrate that fact, here's the trailer for our next short.

"Edward Lobe in Dead Before Dawn" tells the story of the titular Edward Lobe (an eccentric Paranormal investigator) and his long suffering ward Frederick on a seemingly routine invesitgation, but it soon becomes clear that they've been "Ackbard"

Kristofus cobbled the trailer together last night out of the footage from the 2nd half of the short, the 1st half is being filmed tomorrow in a graveyard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDgzu54ZTyI

Keep your eyes on my Department 14 blog, which will be giving you more details on the characters and setting of Dark World, the name given to the world in which our films are set.

Resident Evil : Avon Calling

Whilst inbetween watching Rush Hour on channel 5 the other night, I had the delight of seeing a few adverts. As you are probably aware, I loathe television adverts and each time I see one that makes me want to suck my soul out from my loins, I loose a little bit of faith that there is a god. But now and again an advert hits a chord, or something has to be said/done about the advert in question. This brings me to the following:

Avon is a company that has been going for years and years and years. I know a couple of people who are actually Avon reps, and I've always seen it as a harmless money grabbing scheme. I've never seen them represented through TV advertisements though, so straight away my attention was grabbed like a schoolboy on holiday.

But before I continue with Avon, I need to let you know about another company... Umbrella.

The Umbrella Corporation, until recently in Resident Evil mythology, was a company that made various different things, from make-up to bio-weapons that created zombies!

N0w, Umbrella was closed down by the american government after a breakout of the T-Virus in "Racoon City" and I assumed the nightmare would have ended there. However, it seems that like when Woolworths went into Administration and started selling stuff off, so did Umbrella.

It seems that Avon, not content with slowly draining the money from housewives limp hands, have decided to step up their quest for global consumer domination and have bought from Umbrella, vast ammounts of biological weaponry that they intend on distributing to the general populace!

Is it just me or do the two products look pretty much identical? Next time you see an Avon rep, get out your handgun and aim for the head.

Left: Avon, Right: T-Virus

A&E : A True Story

The rain fell from on high (as oppose to from below?) and soaked me to the bone last night as I walked the 5 mile trek from work to home. However on my way home I receive a telephonic communication off of my long suffering lady friend Louise, it turns out that her new best friend, Milly the horse, had attacked her.

Louise had just had a lovely “hack” with Milly and two of her friends down the stable. She was putting Milly back into her stable, which Milly didn’t take kindly to. Louise stirred Milly’s food with her hand as she always does, and fed Milly a carrot to keep her happy, however… Milly either smelling the food of Louise’s hand or because she fancied trying a bit of “man flesh” bit onto Louise’s finger, and refused to let go.

Louise said that she had to coax Milly off of her finger by luring her with another carrot, and then wrapped her swollen finger up in gause… Louise’s swollen finger, not Milly, as Milly is a horse and doesn’t have fingers… I’ve not got time to go into Horse Biology with you, suffice to say they have hooves, and if you didn’t know this you should go back to school… now!!!

Anyhoo, on returning home I tell Louise that she should really go to the hospital as most Zombie Apocalypse scenarios happen when someone gets bitten by something, but she ignored my advice and instead decided to call up her mother and then the NHS direct to hear their opinions. I was slightly hurt by this, but got Louise back by urinating in the sink, she hates it when I do that.

After much deliberation we went down the A&E ward, which at rugby is now a walk in centre so any tom dick and/or harry can go in with a runny nose and get as much drugs as they like, for free!

On arriving, we were depressed to see a full waiting room, and a large electronic sign stating that there was a 2 hour and 15 minute wait to see a doctor. The 15 minute wait was obviously for the receptionists who were chatting to each other whilst Lou was waiting patiently in front of them. They only paid her attention when a doctor came in behind them, looked at Lou and asked if he could help.

After waiting for some time and playing my favourite hospital room waiting game of “guess their illness!” we were seen by Alan the Nurse.

My spider senses tingled as soon as we got into the examination room when he said “Oh he can stay if he likes” referring to me. He had either misheard Lou asking me to hold her bag, or was talking to the voices in his head.
Then the alarm bells rang.
Alan said “hmm… I’m not sure if you need a tetanus or not” so then he turned round, and went on GOOGLE. I wish I was joking.

Yes this man’s medical knowledge can be summed up in one word, “Crap”.

After exploring Google for a while, he concurred with the voices in his head that he needed to give Lou a jab. He joked on the way out “Now I get the pleasure of stabbing you, don’t go anywhere”

Which made me think two things, 1 – does this guy actually work for the hospital, if so is he the janitor or is he just some guy off the street or a mental ward escapee and 2 – did most people escape when he went out to get the syringe?

Lou turned to me when he left and suggested we left as she was scared that he would use the syringe like a dart. On returning he pretty much did use the syringe like a dart, after doing two circles and jabbing it into her arm… next lou started bleeding to which his medical response was to put a tissue on it. “Don’t worry” he said “You’re now covered against tetanus for life” and I’m sure I heard him mutter under his breath “but I think I’ve just given you aids”

From now on, if I need to goto A&E I’ll be going to Coventry…

Halloween

Tonight is the night where I traditionally spend the night at home cramming in as many horror films as I can, whilst simultaneously hiding from local thugs blackmailing me for goodies.

But tonight, I am doing something different, I am setting off on my quest to find out who or what is stealing time...

I'm sure you, like me, have noticed how quick the year is going, it only seemed like yesterday that I was having a bbq in my backgarden celebrating my birthday.

But where to start? Well, my dear old friend Professor Katz can set me off in the right direction I'm sure, but recently he was committed to an asylum, something about being constantly pestered by a maniac. So I'm breaking him out tonight, and helping me will be Professor Humperdink and I brought everybodies favourite decoy, my other cat Simba.

Wish me luck.