Friday, 21 January 2011

Pally and The Directors

Pally and The Directors
"Whoops! Wrong button" the camp voice called out, then the light turned green. "You guys were fantastic! Jayme and Bin, take them to the rehearsal room, we've now got a full compliment!"

"Wait!" I replied, mustering some courage from somewhere deep within myself "I haven't got time for this, I've got to find my long suffering lady wife Louise, my cats and friend are out there too and Hagley's better half Myke, he's still unaccounted for. We can't stay, we need to get out there and find them! So you'll just have to find someone else to do your show"

Silence. Then the voice spoke again in a more stern yet still surprisingly camp voice.

"You have a choice darlings, you can either perform in our pantomime or I can vaporise you on the spot."

I didn't really have to think too long about the options. I sometimes wish I had chosen to be vaporised, thus ending my pitiful existence, as things for me have gone steadily downhill since The End, but I chose the cowards way and agreed to do their show.

"Oh that's excellent. Well we'll just break for a quick luncheon and then rehearsals can begin. If you'd follow these two gentlemen, they'll take you to the tea bar for some lunch."

Lunch. I hadn't had lunch since before The End, and I hadn't realised how hungry I was until my stomach was reminded that it's main function wasn't to expel it's contents. So we followed Jayme and Bin out of the theatre and across the road.

The tea bar, was a rectangular room with tables and chairs laid out for people to enjoy a hot beverage and some cakes between shows. The table and chairs were laid out, but there were no cakes or drinks available. Instead in the centre of the middle table was a large pot with a grey substance bubbling inside and several bowls stacked up by the side with metal spoons in a messy pile next to them.

Jayme said something that only Bin could understand and they both left the room, locking it behind us. As soon as they had done this Hagley proceeded towards the pot, got a bowl and spooned in some of the unknown substance. She'd gone back to whatever world it was that she was living in, sat down and began to eat whatever it was.

My stomach was rumbling but I wasn't sure I trusted the grey substance, Hagley however had finished a bowl and seemed to still be breathing. The pangs of hunger took over and I decided to tuck into some of the unknown stuff, which seemed like a good idea at the time, but my god it was the most awful substance known to man. I can still taste it to this day.

The grey stuff looked like a mixture of porridge and diarrhea, and smelt like the devil's crotch after a three day sex marathon with various sea creatures. The taste, was like nothing on earth, a combination of burnt hair, the contents of a dead mans catheter and beetroot. I hate beetroot.

I put the spoon in my mouth, and as soon as the grey stuff had touched the tip of my tongue, my stomach went back to it's default mode and began to lurch. I had nothing to bring up however and just curled up in a ball hoping to die. Hagley on the other hand, helped herself to seconds.

"How can you eat that stuff?" I cried out to her, but she was too busy wolfing down the foul mixture to reply.

The door suddenly opened and the last person I ever wanted to see, bounded in the room. No it wasn't the devil himself, it was the only person I ever hated. One of the worst actors I'd ever been on stage with. It was Pally Arvin.

I had acted with Pally a while back in a nautical themed show and he drove me scatty. For some reason, when you acted opposite him, he always looked up at the ceiling. His face would be towards you, but his eyes would be in the roof. It was unsettling. This wouldn't matter if he was an alright guy, but he was up himself more than an elevator in an elevator shaft.

After that show I'd done at least one more with him, but tried to keep my distance and ignore invites to any social gatherings he invited me to.

Pally was unaware that I actually loathed him as was evident when he came bounding over towards me. The End seemed to be punishing me on purpose. How was it that my friends who were a lovely bunch before The End, had been turned into monstrosities or turned deranged, yet someone as annoyingly smug and genuinely full of shit as Pally had been spared?

Pally, for some reason using an American accent, bellowed at me "My gosh, if it isn't Adamicus. Why I ain't seen you since we did that show about Kansas!"

"Mores the pity" I replied, as I got up off the floor.

"I'm so glad you're doing the show, I'm doing the choreography!"

Pally knew less about dancing than I knew about Chinese Particle Physics, so I was just a little surprised. My hunger was replaced with anger when it occurred to me that he was behind all this theatre madness. I pushed him over one of the tables and put my hands around his throat.

"All I have to do is squeeze Pally. Why are you doing all this!?"

"I'm just doing what The Directors told me to do." He choked back, his eyes not looking at me like they used to when we acted together.

"I want to meet these Directors of yours" I replied, getting angrier at the lack of eye contact I wasn't getting.

"Sure, that's why I came down, to bring you to them... if you let go of me, I'll take you."

I let go of him, and he squirmed towards the door leading out, opened it and beckoned me and Hagley to follow. Grabbing Hagley's hand we left the room, following the despicable Pally Arvin as he lead us upstairs, down a narrow corridor, passing several doors before coming to a particular door that had never been there before The End.

"Enter" a camp voice called out.

So Pally opened the door ajar and ushered us through, closing the door behind us. I didn't quite know what to expect, but I can honestly say that I never expected to see enormous glass jars with floating brains inside them. These were The Directors, and they had plans for me and Hagley, theatrical plans...

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