Monday, 2 February 2009

Zombie Survival : Day Ten

Lesson one, of how to survive on a zombie infested Island… know thy enemy!

And our enemy was now in the form of my evil brother, Kristofus, however as for the rest of his team, we had no idea. So we set out to discover who was aiding my brother.

Royston informed us that after spending a week off work ill, with a sprained scrotum, he watched a lot of survival programs, and from those programs he learnt how to track, he theorized that he’d be able to track them down using this ability on one condition.
He wanted Polly to put some clothes on. Polly regretfully agreed and went to find some clothes.

Royston and I left my cell and he showed me that we were hauled up in a little bamboo house in the middle of some dense Jungle. This island, although completely un-in-habitable due to zombie infestation, really is the most beautiful place on earth. There was the beautiful trees, the beautiful sky, the beautiful stream trickling by my feet, which was surprisingly warm and yellow… I looked up to see Polly pissing a few feet away.

After Polly and I shook off his piss from our respective areas, he put on a pair of dungarees he’d taken off a zombie. We followed Royston through the trees for a few hours before he picked up “the scent”. He told us that they were close, he could smell “city folk” as he put it.

So we three knelt down and moved through some tall grass, until we came out into a swamp. There was a large rock in the centre of a large pool of swampy water, and ontop of that rock… Milli!!!

She was fast asleep by the looks of it… well asleep or dead. Polly had a “bad feeling about this” but with our friend feet away, we thought we should get to her asap. Royston volunteered me to go first, as I was the “biggest bastard on the planet” and it was my fault we were all in danger.

I stepped into the swamp and plunged a few feet down, the murky water was deep, and there could have been anything in there I thought. I swam over to Milli’s still body and when I got to the rock I prodded her. Milli whispered something to me, but I didn’t catch what she said… so I asked her to speak up. She then turned slightly so I could see her face and whispered “Cecil”. I replied “No, I’m Ad..” and then before someone could say “It’s a trap” in true Admiral Akbar fashion, four enormous hippopotamus’ emerged from the swamp.

Then I realised she’d said “Stay still” not “Cecil”, these weren’t normal hippos, they’d caught the Zombie Virus ™ hopefully due to pollution, experiments or a bite (I’d hate to think that it was due to bestiality) I suddenly realised that Milli and I were mere marbles to these hungry hungry hippos, and I knew what happened to marbles in that game (my cats run off with them!) Before I could act, Royston made a daring rescue attempt, he started yelling at the hippos, trying to grab their attention… instead he drew the attention of a passing bear! A non-zombified one, but still a bear, and he wasn’t after a picnic basket like Yogi or BooBoo, he was after some human shaped carcasses in the form of Polly and Royston! The last time I saw them they were running for their lives.

Leaving Milli and I to deal with the four hippos… luckily for me, Milli was the Scottish Hippo Wrestling Champion for four years in a row, I’d not realised this having never visited her new (old now) house. She held off one of the beasts, whilst I helped out by… running as fast as I can away from the hungry hungry hippos.

After fifteen minutes of hefty escape through the swamp, I felt a bit guilty at my constant cowardice. But could I really have done anything other than run away? They were frigging hippos for Christ sake!!!

Lesson two, of how to survive on a zombie infested Island… know thy surroundings!

I found this one out the hard way, as the swamp gave way to a large cliff, which I fell down… I was sure I was done for, but luckily I landed on something furry which broke my fall… it was the very same bear that Royston and Polly had been fleeing from, I’d in-avertedly saved their lives!! I made out I did it on purpose of course, but when Royston asked where Milli was I lied and said that she’d gotten away, but we got split up…

It wouldn’t be till the next day before we reached where Kristofus was, and when we things began to get really interesting…

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