Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Cadbury's World - yum

If you were to look up on google "worlds worst ride" the top hit you would get would be a youtube video, for a pirate themed ride (I think it's a drayton manor one but I'm probably wrong as always) however, I would say that the worlds worst ride is in bournville.
I'm not talking about Mrs. Crockett, from number 42, although she's not great, she's still a better ride than any of the Alton Towers abortions that they've hidden away in Cadbury's world.
Firstly, let me tell you how dissapointed I was when I went to Cadbury's world in Bournville. I'm sure I'm not the only person who ever watched/read Charlie and the chocolate factory, and was suprised to find the reality of the Chocolate tour to be utterly boring.
It starts off ok, you're handed a few chocolates in a clear plastic bag and sent off into an aztec themed area that I think they stole off of the set of The Crystal Maze, either that or Ed Tudor Pole sold it to them for "crack" money after it went tits up.
But after reading a couple of plaques you realise that there will be chocolate river, there will be no special testing room, and no umpa-lumpas... my heart jumped at one point when I saw one, but it turned out that infact it wasn't an umpa-lumpa, the person in question happened to be mentally handicapped. Gutted. You realise, this isn't a fun fact finding mission to Alderan, it's a musem tour.
This is cemented when you go into one of the "attractions" of the tour which is where you're sat down in a kind of theatre, and have to listen to the waffling on of the Cadbury brothers who set up the business... I don't think it's actually the real cadbury brothers, but just some recorded actors portraying them.
Now and again the seats kinda move, probably trying to keep the kids from falling asleep, or to stop people falling into some kind of coma. At one point I saw a kid from a school try and make a break for it, but the doors were locked from the outside. It wasn't until I'd been to Cadbury's World, till I truly knew what it must have felt like to be in a concentration camp at shower time. I was about to use the plastic bag that the chocolate came in, to put my loved ones out of their misery, when the doors opened. I was so relieved when the doors opened and we were let out, that I'm sure a little bit of wee came out.
So then after walking through a different "zone" and going up what seem like eight flight of stairs, you get to the CADABRA ride. A ride that I believe is the worst ride ever made. It's like what I imagine Purgatory to be like.

You are sealed into a car with another victim, and then the ride begins. A music track that sounds like something Disney shat out, then beat to death due to it being evil, is played aloud whilst the bean car you are in is dragged along a rail round a "magical" cadbury's fairytale land. You get to see all your (favourite?) cadbury's characters like the downsyndromed cadbury's mini egg parrot and the STD ridden Caramel Rabbit.
The thing that baffels me the most, is they take your picture on the way round. Why? So they can see how bored you are? I have the unfortunate confession to make that I've been to Cadbury's world several times through circumstances beyond my control, and everytime I go on this ride to see if they've made it bearable... and no they haven't. But whenever I go on the ride I wait for the picture to be taken and try to look either overly excited, scared shitless or asleep.

This man refused to go on the ride, so they broke his legs!

THAT my friends is the worlds worst ride.

Cadbury's world in general is boring, tiring and dissapointing. Plus, at the start they make it look interesting with themed areas (Aztec, Victorian era ) but before you realise you're walking down white corridors that seem to be made out of some kind of paint that has a chemical property designed to suck the fun out of anything. I wanted to test the paint so I held up a copy of a joke book I had on me, and it turned it into the daily mail! The front end of cadbury's world looks great, but before you know it you're walking down sterile corridors and watching tv, it's like being in hospital without the free drugs and busty nurses.

All that for a tenner!

No comments: