Zombie Survival : Day Five

Before we'd gone to sleep in the wooded area we'd found after climbing out from the bottom of the waterfall, we'd arranged to take it in turns to keep a watchful eye on our surroundings for fear that the Braymachine or some zombies would stumble upon us. I slept like a baby that night, albeit a baby who was very ill, as when I woke up I was lying in my own puke. It was reminisant of waking up in a room I rented when I lived in worcester.

I looked up and saw Royston was on "guard" fast asleep, I needed to get rid of the sick so thought I'd go to the bottom of the waterfall and clean myself up.

As I approached the waterfall's base, I was suprised by a zombie. He hadn't seen me and was crouched down a few feet away eating something. Looking around me I found a large rock, and I carefully picked it up trying not to make any noise whatsoever. Then, with large rock held firmly in both hands, I crept up behind the zombie but and as I drew close raised my arms up... however, the rock was quite heavy, and as I rasied the rock high above my head, I realised that my lack of upper body strength and the forces of gravity were teaming up to fell me... like a domino I fell backwards, landing with a sickening thud... in a heart beat the zombie came at me, but I was too weak to move... I closed my eyes and prepared for the innevitable...

Obviously the zombie however didn't kill me or I wouldn't be updating you on my progress would I? It kind of draws away from any dramatic tension that I write to you dear readers, sitting there on your cosy chair/throne of bones/toilet seat without a care in the world.

As the zombie approached me, a loud gunshot pierced the air and the zombie fell to his knees, dead. I scrambled up to thank my savoir and was completly suprised to see that it was one of the scientists that I had posted to the island. I was about to thank him when he raised his gun up at me, and started raving on about it was all my fault, and I was the reason so many people had died. I argued with him that I didn't force him to contribute towards the Zombie Virus (tm) to which he reminded me that I had abducted him and most of his colleagues in the middle of the night and forced them to work for their freedom.

Looking back, I probably shouldn't have bought the island, abducted the scientists, forced them to make Zombie Virus (tm) or bought those magic beans off that wierd homeless guy... but hindsight wouldn't stop this (mad?) scientist from shooting me. At this point Polly, Royston and Milli turned up to find out where the gunshot had come from, the scientist turned his gun in there direction and shot at them in suprise. Everything happened in slow motion...

The bullet shot out the calibre, and headed towards Milli, Royston and Polly, all three of them like rabbits in the headlights, knowing that the bullet was going to hit one of them... The bullet span through the air for what seemed like an age, and drew closer with every mili-second. The three of them looked on at their innevitable fate and...

Oh great! The battery on this thing needs recharging, I better do it or I'll suddenly cut out without telling you wh

END OF TRANSMISSION

Zombie Survival : Day Four cont...

The scientists notes didn't do much to quell my fears, infact it made me more panicky than a dislexic black guy who realised he's accidently driven to the KKK in search of Kentucy Fried Chicken.

It turned out that I had a few days, like Pope, before turning into a mindless rotting bag of flesh and nashing teeth (but would still have more personality than your average Big Brother contestant!) However there was some light at the end of the tunnel, in the form of Zombie Cure (tm) which (like princess toadstool) was in the OTHER science lab!

I was about to leave when I realised... Polly and Milli would probably ask where Pope was... and I couldn't say "Oh, she has turned into a zombie and bit me, which means I will soon be joining the growing ranks of undead. Don't worry though, she wont be any danger as I locked her in the secret laboratory which created the zombie virus (tm) to which I had prior knowledge of!" I could really see them sympathising with me then.

That's when I realised I would be "that guy" the (coward) who was bitten by a zombie, knows the consequences of this and subsequently hides it from the rest of the group so that he could further his own miserable life before coming under the influence of death and killing a couple of people before having his head blown off, by usually the quiet one of the group! But I didn't care, I mean the clock was ticking and I didn't have too long before I'd be like your average Jeremy Kyle guest, so I did what I've been doing best so far... I lied.

So I left zombified Pope flailing inside a locker in the secret laboratory and went in search of Polly and Milli... I slowly climbed the staircase, holding a lead pipe (that I'd found in the billiard room next to Colonel Mustards mutilated corpse) and ready to bash any zombie brains in. I search a couple of floors of the hopital but couldn't find them... until the very last door I tried.

I looked through the window and to my horror saw Milli attacking Polly, she must have been bitten and we hadn't realised, so I burst through the door ready to save him...

Well, it turned out that Polly hadn't needed rescuing after all, and infact Milli and Polly had taken the time to assess the situation and thought they'd have a quick... ahem. Suffice to say I left the room, gave them a minute and then re-entered and we've not spoken about the events since, and likely never will...

When quizzed about Pope's whereabouts I lied. "Well, we were in luck you see as there was one last doctor left and he had an ambulance but not enough room for us AND Pope so I let him take her to a laboratory futher inland, to help her out." The little bit of false hope that I had just given them soon dissapeared when we heard shouting outside.

We ran to the window to see Royston screaming "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit..." and running back from the road he had fled down... but this time with no zombies following him. We rushed downstairs to greet Royston, but he just ran past us yelling "RUN!!!" as he...well ran.

We three looked at each other and then back the way he was fleeing from... and now it dawned on me exactly what the scientists had been wondering about... what kind of mutations someone who didn't have the incest-ridden genes of the Nefarians would experience...

The ground shook as what I can only describe as the incredible hulks flat mate came at us... it was the Braymachine... except he was much larger, his fat seemed to have been replaced with muscles and he (like the hulk) seemed very angry... oh and bitey.


I turned to suggest we concur with Royston's plan, only to be greeted with clouds of smoke from where Polly and Milli had already started running from. As I ran away from our impending doom I wondered if it made Braymachine into an unstopabble killing machine, then maybe Pope would turn into something... hopefully something that couldn't get out of a locker... then I wondered what would happen to me? What changes would my body go through... it was bad enough going through the changes of pubity let alone Zombie Virus (tm) changes!

Well we ran for the rest of the day until Royston we came to a large river... we had no choice but to dive in, lest the (Braymachine who was suprisingly agile for a man of his stature), catch up with us and do whatever it is large mutated zombified IT people do... I'd imagine it'd involve death and a Powerpoint presentation (the two things I fear most in the world!).

So we dived into the river, which was stronger than a yorkshireman's cup of tea, and were swept down stream. I didn't remember there being a waterfall on the brochure, but aparantly... there was. So after nearly drowning (to death?) we soggily got out of the water, and Royston (using his daytime television viewing) started a fire to warm us all up, using a book that Polly had stashed away written by Steven Fry (which thanks to his English wit, was dry-er than any other material on earth)

So we're lost... well they've been lost officially since day 1, but now I'm lost... I'm lost and slowly dying with three people who I would later try and kill... probably. Well maybe in the morning, with any luck, I'll get my bareings... oh and if you think that this blog is badly spelt or uses poor gramatical phraising then kiss my ass... I'd like to see you use your knowledge of the english language to update a blog when you're soaking wet, typing with your good (non-zombie-wounded) arm, surrounded by zombies and on some island in the middle of nowhere!!!

Me-sa people gonna die?

Unfortunatley due to the strange magnetic flow of the Island I'm on, I'm going to have trouble updating the page, plus my arm's all itchy from where Pope bit me, so it hurts to type.

I'll be back soon, unless I'm a mindless zombie... more so than usual.

Cancer Free Babies!!!!

So they've finally done it!

Scientists have created a human being who hasn't got the cancer gene... and now people are talking about designing their own babies... man, didn't anyone watch gattica? Is that the kind of world you want to live in, where wheelchair bound guys burn themselves in furnaces!?

When will Science learn? Stop messing about with stuff!! If you get rid of cancer will force whoever's in charge of the cosmic battlefield that we exsist in, be it God, nature or McDonalds, to come up with something worse!! Didn't anyone see I am Legend? Is that the kind of world you want to live in, where people ask manequins out on dates?

When will people "in charge" stop poking their communical penis's in our DNA and start watching movies!?!?

Zombie Survival : Day Four

Well day four (like a pair of trousers from the 60's) had some interesting turn ups.

I last left you when I was climbing back into the jeep, Braymachine had been mauled to death by zombies and Pope is slowly dying, we were headed to the Hospital to find help for Pope and to nobodys knowledge but my own, we were also going to try and find the cure from the secret lab my scientists were working from and as far as I was aware they were still there.

The hospital was some way away, we drove through the night and into the early hours until we came upon the hospital, however, it was crawling with zombies... Polly parked the jeep up behind a large hedge row and the zombies hadn't noticed us yet, and he came up with an idea. One of us would distract the zombies with the jeep, whilst the others snuck into the hospital and sorted out Pope with some much needed medicine... she'd started to complain that she was famished and had a crazy look in her eye, so I needed to get the Zombie Cure (tm) before she turned full blown zombie. We decided the Royston would drive the jeep as I can't drive, Pope was obviously not fit to drive, Polly needed to apply any first aid we found to Pope and Milli is scottish.

So the four of us hid behind a (convinient) log, whilst Royston prepped for the distraction. He beeped the horn, and the zombies came running, then he reversed the car, did a 180 turn and began to drive down the road, it was working the zombies all followed him like... well zombies. However Royston's victory was short lived when the Jeep stalled due to lack of petrol, with a (swarm? Herd? Flock?) of zombies chasing him, he legged it. I felt bad for Royston, he'd tried to help us out on several occasions and always ended up in the most danger, but I had to focus on the pressing issue at hand, stopping pope getting bitey.

The Hospital was deserted, blood smeered the walls and partially eaten corpses littered the halls. I hoped that this hospital was in this state due to the zombie virus (tm) and not because of underfunding from the Island's government... whoever they were... That made me wonder what had happened to the local government?... I remembered that there was a city next to Nefarius's active volcano. (I was in a bidding war to get this Island, the other guy was a mad scientist bent on world domination) So I thought after this, maybe we could go investigate...

Polly thought it'd be best if we split up... the retard! He took Milli, who was so jumpy that when I let out a sly fart, she nearly stabbed me with her bamboo fashioned pointy stick! (Damn that gym instructor for not teaching us how to defend agaist someone coming at us with a pointy stick!) And I took the steadily worsening Pope... which suited me fine as I could get her cured in a jiffy... by jiffy I mean time not a cure her in a jiffy bag.

So polly and Milli went off and I took Hayley down the back passage... sorry... secret passage, using a keycard I'd been hiding. I ran straight to the computer and input the password I'd memorised and found the location of the zombie cure... however it was in the OTHER secret laboartory... housed under the active volcano... great. I turned round to Pope to apologise, when she bit into my arm. I let out a girly high pitched scream and beat her off with a Lever Arch Folder... I didn't want to kill her so I locked her in a locker. So now I'm reviewing the notes from the scientists to find out how long I've got left... who's stupid idea was this anyw... oh yeah...

The IT menace

The gremlins struck the other day and all systems went down at the dystopian work-house that I work at during daylight, and as a result we had to get "the IT guys out"



Now you have to nice to your IT guys, or they can point out to your superiors/overlords/monkey handlers, that you aren't doing what you're supposed to be doing, so I always am as nice as (cherry?) pie to them.



However, my boss said something that got me thinking, she said in passing "why do IT guys always want tea?". She was complaining as we only have a coffee machine at our work so have to do with that, there is tea bags but its a hefty process involving boiling water which could leave you scarred for life!



So I wondered, why DO they need tea... and then it struck me...

They are not people... but... robots in disguise (not the transforming kind) that drink tea to keep themselves operating to maximum capacity.

I prefer him as a robot (at least he's got a pen!)

Who better to fix a computer than a computer? Maybe they didn't all start off as machines, maybe they're being replaced one by one, but whatever is happening its happening fast and maybe when they've all been replaced, they'll start replacing us aswell? And then we'll live in some weird Matrix kinda world, but hopefully one that makes more sense... so what can we do to combat this menace? Make them Coffee instead, overloading their caffiene circuits and stopping them dead.

To prove my theory I'm going to break a PC and call the IT guys in... then capture one for study.

Coming soon... Worst Case Scenarios

Read my blog or the dog will force me to kill you!

The worst thing that can happen to you has already happened as you're reading my blog!


But there are worse things out there than vampries/werewolves/christianity/dragons

I will be bringing you a worst case scenario and how you can get out of it relativley unscathed.. first I've got to get off this bloody island!
(Oh and if you want to quit smoking become a nun, you'll soon get another habbit )