Saturday, 31 January 2009

The Joys of Television Eurovision Reality TV

What the hell is wong with the state of television today? I can't enjoy a saturday's night entertainment without being forcefed with another reality tv show starring G.I.Joe public!

It's not that I don't like reality tv programs, they can have some of the most genuinely amusing, heat warming... wait... I'm speaking shit. The only good reality tv programs are ones with conflict in them, stuff where a contestant is reduced to tatters... you see we've not really evolved far from the days of Rome, where a saturday's entertainment would be throwing the christians to lions... now instead of lions we have a pannel of judges with your obligitory "nasty" judge, who all the doe eye hopefuls sell their souls to try and impress, only to be rediculed and humiliated, and instead of the christians we have whiny annoying shells of human beings, people who have nothing left to live for.... so it's just the lions that have changed then...

The thing I hate most is the pleading from the contestants on a regular basis as to why you should get off your fat arse, go the phone, dial a number and add in excess of £1.50 to your phone bill. "Please vote for me, my mum and dad are parapalegic, blind, mute piano players, who have both just lost their jobs and can't afford the medicine that will keep them alive, and if I win this it will enable me to pay for that medicine, you could save their lives if you just press the red button!" and you get the sob story of "this whole compettion means the world to me, my life is this competition, if you do not vote for me I will die... please, I will suck your ****, please, I'm begging you... what do you want? Do you want me to bleed? I'll do anything!!!"

Ok, a bit to far, but you get the gist.

The latest offle, sorry... offering from the BBC is a eurovision reality tv program, where the contestant has the (honour?) of representing us at the eurovision. If that wasn't bad enough, they've wheeled our Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber again, from whatever sanitarium he resides in mon-fri, to co-host this shit with Graham Norton wearing one of his trade mark vomit enducing suits, that look like it's something a child would design and is made from the same material your Ironing board covers made from. Lord Webber, who everyday is looking more and more like a cross between Toad of Toad Hall and Darth Vader sans Helmet in Star Wars : Return of the Jedi, wrote the song that the (talented?) winner will evenutally throw up infront of the rest of europe.

I used to have nothing but respect fro The Lord, but after seeing him in this show I've started to question my loyalties. Lord Webber can write some great musicals, and is a very talented man... however a two legged dog with rabies could produce a better song for Eurovision than the abortion that Webber has put forth from his aging loins... Plus the final three acts are kinda normal, I mean they can all hold a tune and are your regular X-Factor ilk, but the BBC seem to have forgotten that you only win the Eurovision for two reasons. 1 - other countries are scared of your country invading them so they vote you or 2 - your act is a combination of mutant/trans-sexual/paedophile/euro-trash/ewok.

The BBC did address the political angle of Eurovision, by taking the 3 acts to the houses of parliament... and introduced us to Mp4... a in-house band that the MP's have... I couldn't believe it... so this is where all our hard earned money goes, on providing musical instruments/lessons to the MP's in house band! We're in a recession, and probably due to the in house battle of the bands they've been doing. No one is running the country, they're all too busy rocking out... at least they didn't show us MP4 in action, I may have slammed my head through the television in disgust. Can the politicians please stop learning new riffs for one f***ing second and figure us a way out of the economic turmoil that we're in? Please?

If it were up to me, and it never is, I would assemble the likes of Andrew Lloyd Webber and put them into a hannibal lector style facility where they could write masterpieces and not placed in a reality tv-show every time. The Eurovision is crap. I hear some people saying, "but Adamicus, I like Eurovision" well I can see why you'd like it, it can be mildly entertaining, but seriously, it's like a Rugby Theatre Pantomime, once you've lived through one you know what to expect next time, and it all becomes scarily familiar. Why don't the do Eurovision like the Olympics... no I don't mean drug test them, or you wouldn't get half the countries on stage, what I mean is do it every four years!

Well good luck to the lady who DID win the show, I hope your career is better than that of Gemini, who I believe were found dead in their own feces. Good night!

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