Never underestimate somebody, that's what I've learnt today. You see I actually underestimated how evil my brother was.
We had managed to find him and his team by following a trail of dead un-dead bodies... does that make sense? I mean is that gramatically correct? What do you call a dead zombie, I mean, that's what a zombie is right it's dead, so how do you refer to something that is dead once it is dead? Do you call it un-un-dead? Ex-un-dead? Re-Dead? Deader than Dead? I must consult Professor Katz at his university for further clarification on this subject...
Well, after following the trail, we found my brother had camped up. By camped up I don't mean that he was wearing pink with his hand on his hips saying "oooh matron", I mean that it was nightfall by the time we found him and him and his team had all erected themselves... a shelter.
There were three large tents and two cages, one with a very angry Un-Dead Braymachine in it and another smaller cage with a winged Pope, with her own little perch. So it seemed my brother and his team had captured our zombie friends, but what was he intending to do with them? Sell them on e-bay like a plot from an amateur improvised film? Hmm... I wasn't sure, but we all wanted to find out.
Polly then suggested that we free the zombies, they'd attack the camp. Royston reminded Polly that this wasn't Jurassic Park 2 and he wasn't Vince Vaughn. So we asked Royston what he thought we should do, his plan sounded good, we'd sneak up to the camp and suprise them. This would have been a good idea, if we hadn't already been spotted.
In true movie style fashion we heard a click behind us, turning round we saw a familar face, holding a gun. It was Alexis, a guy who used to be a good mate, till we found out that he'd been lying about everything, he was actually a spy, working for governments unknown, attempting to learn all of our secrets, and more importantly, the location of Kefeklehania (my home island, whose location is a mystery to anyone who hasn't been there)
"G'day mates" he said in a really bad australian accent, he had an AK-47 in his hands, and had his sight trained on us. He marched us towards the camp in single file, and then knocked Royston out with the butt of his gun, and dragged him into his tent, whilst still keeping his aim on us.
"Oi Oi, I found the others!" he shouted out in an unconvincing cockney accent.
The largest tent opened and my brother came out... ok he's already come out, I mean he came out of the tent. He was wearing a long leather coat, and full battle regalia. He looked like a cross between a roman legionairre and a nazi officer. "Aah... if it isn't my brother, and his little friend Pollyanna, I am so glad you could join us, where are ze other ones?" he asked Alexis.
Alexis spoke in a fake french accent "I only found these two." Polly and I looked at each other, why had Alexis lied to his boss about this? Why Royston? My brother returned to his train of thought "Well, that's a shame. I'm sure they'll show up sooner or later. I have to say, I'm rather impressed at the Zombie Virus (tm) Adamski. It's very potent."
I asked him "What are you doing here?" to which he laughed and replied "I am here for the zombies, with the Zombie Virus (tm) I will be able to destroy all but a few selected individuals from the worlds population and then after the zombies have starved to death I and my children will be able to enter a new world, which I shall control! Why? You didn't think I was just going to sell it on E-Bay did you? Well not since they're cracking down on postage charges anyway, don't they understand that's how you make money on that site?"
His e-bay arguments aside, my brother was obviously a nutter, but in true Bond Villain style we were now his "guests" he got Alexis to slap cuffs on us, and then we were lead into a tent and tied up for good measure. That's why this update has taken me so long to write, I've been using my elbow to write it.
So it's just me and Polly, tied up in a tent, waiting for morning to bring us another day of randomness and confusion. I can't sleep as I keep hearing strange grunting sounds coming from Alexis's tent... I hate to think what is happening to Royston.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Terrorism - The Cold War
Some of you may or may not have noticed, but it's been snowing recently.
The "scientists" said that that would be a very bad idea, and tried to get me out of the proceedings, but before they could, I was able to open up my powerpoint presentation, which thanks to the comical stick figure clipart guys, was able to convince everyone in the room that sending nuclear missiles to the centre of the Earth was the only logical option.
Who'd have thunk it that a bit of snow could cause our country as a whole to grind to a halt? Well, I've heard from a reliable source, whose name I can't mention for security reasons (thanks by the way David Shrope for the info) that the snow wasn't an accident. That MI5 new it was on it's way, and they did nothing to prevent it!!!
It wasn't normal snow, it was a form of Nature-Terrorism. For years we've been after terrorists, people who blow us up because they disagree with what flavour cheese is the best in a ploughmans sandwhich (Cheddar by the way) but we've been neglecting the world's oldest terrorist... no not Helen Daniels from neighbours, she died eventually... someday I may tell you HOW I killed her... I mean, how she died of a natural, non-sword fight over a volcano related, death...
I refer to nature, the ol' bitch has been killing millions with her earthquakes, tornados, volcanoes, hail storms, tsunamis and blizzards of mass destruction.
I was summoned by the rugby burough council (due to my close ties with the military and due to the fact my mum works there) to discuss options to combat the terrorism. I concluded that Nature has gotten away with enough over these years, and it's time to strike back, so I showed them my plan to destroy nature, which involves burrowing a hole to the centre of the earth (where everybody knows that Nature and communism live) and launching a few nuke's at the heart of our planet...
The "scientists" said that that would be a very bad idea, and tried to get me out of the proceedings, but before they could, I was able to open up my powerpoint presentation, which thanks to the comical stick figure clipart guys, was able to convince everyone in the room that sending nuclear missiles to the centre of the Earth was the only logical option.
Operation : Death to us all begins in a few weeks.
Monday, 2 February 2009
Zombie Survival : Day Ten
Lesson one, of how to survive on a zombie infested Island… know thy enemy!
And our enemy was now in the form of my evil brother, Kristofus, however as for the rest of his team, we had no idea. So we set out to discover who was aiding my brother.
Royston informed us that after spending a week off work ill, with a sprained scrotum, he watched a lot of survival programs, and from those programs he learnt how to track, he theorized that he’d be able to track them down using this ability on one condition.
He wanted Polly to put some clothes on. Polly regretfully agreed and went to find some clothes.
Royston and I left my cell and he showed me that we were hauled up in a little bamboo house in the middle of some dense Jungle. This island, although completely un-in-habitable due to zombie infestation, really is the most beautiful place on earth. There was the beautiful trees, the beautiful sky, the beautiful stream trickling by my feet, which was surprisingly warm and yellow… I looked up to see Polly pissing a few feet away.
After Polly and I shook off his piss from our respective areas, he put on a pair of dungarees he’d taken off a zombie. We followed Royston through the trees for a few hours before he picked up “the scent”. He told us that they were close, he could smell “city folk” as he put it.
So we three knelt down and moved through some tall grass, until we came out into a swamp. There was a large rock in the centre of a large pool of swampy water, and ontop of that rock… Milli!!!
She was fast asleep by the looks of it… well asleep or dead. Polly had a “bad feeling about this” but with our friend feet away, we thought we should get to her asap. Royston volunteered me to go first, as I was the “biggest bastard on the planet” and it was my fault we were all in danger.
I stepped into the swamp and plunged a few feet down, the murky water was deep, and there could have been anything in there I thought. I swam over to Milli’s still body and when I got to the rock I prodded her. Milli whispered something to me, but I didn’t catch what she said… so I asked her to speak up. She then turned slightly so I could see her face and whispered “Cecil”. I replied “No, I’m Ad..” and then before someone could say “It’s a trap” in true Admiral Akbar fashion, four enormous hippopotamus’ emerged from the swamp.
Then I realised she’d said “Stay still” not “Cecil”, these weren’t normal hippos, they’d caught the Zombie Virus ™ hopefully due to pollution, experiments or a bite (I’d hate to think that it was due to bestiality) I suddenly realised that Milli and I were mere marbles to these hungry hungry hippos, and I knew what happened to marbles in that game (my cats run off with them!) Before I could act, Royston made a daring rescue attempt, he started yelling at the hippos, trying to grab their attention… instead he drew the attention of a passing bear! A non-zombified one, but still a bear, and he wasn’t after a picnic basket like Yogi or BooBoo, he was after some human shaped carcasses in the form of Polly and Royston! The last time I saw them they were running for their lives.
Leaving Milli and I to deal with the four hippos… luckily for me, Milli was the Scottish Hippo Wrestling Champion for four years in a row, I’d not realised this having never visited her new (old now) house. She held off one of the beasts, whilst I helped out by… running as fast as I can away from the hungry hungry hippos.
After fifteen minutes of hefty escape through the swamp, I felt a bit guilty at my constant cowardice. But could I really have done anything other than run away? They were frigging hippos for Christ sake!!!
Lesson two, of how to survive on a zombie infested Island… know thy surroundings!
I found this one out the hard way, as the swamp gave way to a large cliff, which I fell down… I was sure I was done for, but luckily I landed on something furry which broke my fall… it was the very same bear that Royston and Polly had been fleeing from, I’d in-avertedly saved their lives!! I made out I did it on purpose of course, but when Royston asked where Milli was I lied and said that she’d gotten away, but we got split up…
It wouldn’t be till the next day before we reached where Kristofus was, and when we things began to get really interesting…
And our enemy was now in the form of my evil brother, Kristofus, however as for the rest of his team, we had no idea. So we set out to discover who was aiding my brother.
Royston informed us that after spending a week off work ill, with a sprained scrotum, he watched a lot of survival programs, and from those programs he learnt how to track, he theorized that he’d be able to track them down using this ability on one condition.
He wanted Polly to put some clothes on. Polly regretfully agreed and went to find some clothes.
Royston and I left my cell and he showed me that we were hauled up in a little bamboo house in the middle of some dense Jungle. This island, although completely un-in-habitable due to zombie infestation, really is the most beautiful place on earth. There was the beautiful trees, the beautiful sky, the beautiful stream trickling by my feet, which was surprisingly warm and yellow… I looked up to see Polly pissing a few feet away.
After Polly and I shook off his piss from our respective areas, he put on a pair of dungarees he’d taken off a zombie. We followed Royston through the trees for a few hours before he picked up “the scent”. He told us that they were close, he could smell “city folk” as he put it.
So we three knelt down and moved through some tall grass, until we came out into a swamp. There was a large rock in the centre of a large pool of swampy water, and ontop of that rock… Milli!!!
She was fast asleep by the looks of it… well asleep or dead. Polly had a “bad feeling about this” but with our friend feet away, we thought we should get to her asap. Royston volunteered me to go first, as I was the “biggest bastard on the planet” and it was my fault we were all in danger.
I stepped into the swamp and plunged a few feet down, the murky water was deep, and there could have been anything in there I thought. I swam over to Milli’s still body and when I got to the rock I prodded her. Milli whispered something to me, but I didn’t catch what she said… so I asked her to speak up. She then turned slightly so I could see her face and whispered “Cecil”. I replied “No, I’m Ad..” and then before someone could say “It’s a trap” in true Admiral Akbar fashion, four enormous hippopotamus’ emerged from the swamp.
Then I realised she’d said “Stay still” not “Cecil”, these weren’t normal hippos, they’d caught the Zombie Virus ™ hopefully due to pollution, experiments or a bite (I’d hate to think that it was due to bestiality) I suddenly realised that Milli and I were mere marbles to these hungry hungry hippos, and I knew what happened to marbles in that game (my cats run off with them!) Before I could act, Royston made a daring rescue attempt, he started yelling at the hippos, trying to grab their attention… instead he drew the attention of a passing bear! A non-zombified one, but still a bear, and he wasn’t after a picnic basket like Yogi or BooBoo, he was after some human shaped carcasses in the form of Polly and Royston! The last time I saw them they were running for their lives.
Leaving Milli and I to deal with the four hippos… luckily for me, Milli was the Scottish Hippo Wrestling Champion for four years in a row, I’d not realised this having never visited her new (old now) house. She held off one of the beasts, whilst I helped out by… running as fast as I can away from the hungry hungry hippos.
After fifteen minutes of hefty escape through the swamp, I felt a bit guilty at my constant cowardice. But could I really have done anything other than run away? They were frigging hippos for Christ sake!!!
Lesson two, of how to survive on a zombie infested Island… know thy surroundings!
I found this one out the hard way, as the swamp gave way to a large cliff, which I fell down… I was sure I was done for, but luckily I landed on something furry which broke my fall… it was the very same bear that Royston and Polly had been fleeing from, I’d in-avertedly saved their lives!! I made out I did it on purpose of course, but when Royston asked where Milli was I lied and said that she’d gotten away, but we got split up…
It wouldn’t be till the next day before we reached where Kristofus was, and when we things began to get really interesting…
Saturday, 31 January 2009
The Joys of Television Eurovision Reality TV
What the hell is wong with the state of television today? I can't enjoy a saturday's night entertainment without being forcefed with another reality tv show starring G.I.Joe public!
It's not that I don't like reality tv programs, they can have some of the most genuinely amusing, heat warming... wait... I'm speaking shit. The only good reality tv programs are ones with conflict in them, stuff where a contestant is reduced to tatters... you see we've not really evolved far from the days of Rome, where a saturday's entertainment would be throwing the christians to lions... now instead of lions we have a pannel of judges with your obligitory "nasty" judge, who all the doe eye hopefuls sell their souls to try and impress, only to be rediculed and humiliated, and instead of the christians we have whiny annoying shells of human beings, people who have nothing left to live for.... so it's just the lions that have changed then...
The thing I hate most is the pleading from the contestants on a regular basis as to why you should get off your fat arse, go the phone, dial a number and add in excess of £1.50 to your phone bill. "Please vote for me, my mum and dad are parapalegic, blind, mute piano players, who have both just lost their jobs and can't afford the medicine that will keep them alive, and if I win this it will enable me to pay for that medicine, you could save their lives if you just press the red button!" and you get the sob story of "this whole compettion means the world to me, my life is this competition, if you do not vote for me I will die... please, I will suck your ****, please, I'm begging you... what do you want? Do you want me to bleed? I'll do anything!!!"
Ok, a bit to far, but you get the gist.
The latest offle, sorry... offering from the BBC is a eurovision reality tv program, where the contestant has the (honour?) of representing us at the eurovision. If that wasn't bad enough, they've wheeled our Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber again, from whatever sanitarium he resides in mon-fri, to co-host this shit with Graham Norton wearing one of his trade mark vomit enducing suits, that look like it's something a child would design and is made from the same material your Ironing board covers made from. Lord Webber, who everyday is looking more and more like a cross between Toad of Toad Hall and Darth Vader sans Helmet in Star Wars : Return of the Jedi, wrote the song that the (talented?) winner will evenutally throw up infront of the rest of europe.
I used to have nothing but respect fro The Lord, but after seeing him in this show I've started to question my loyalties. Lord Webber can write some great musicals, and is a very talented man... however a two legged dog with rabies could produce a better song for Eurovision than the abortion that Webber has put forth from his aging loins... Plus the final three acts are kinda normal, I mean they can all hold a tune and are your regular X-Factor ilk, but the BBC seem to have forgotten that you only win the Eurovision for two reasons. 1 - other countries are scared of your country invading them so they vote you or 2 - your act is a combination of mutant/trans-sexual/paedophile/euro-trash/ewok.
The BBC did address the political angle of Eurovision, by taking the 3 acts to the houses of parliament... and introduced us to Mp4... a in-house band that the MP's have... I couldn't believe it... so this is where all our hard earned money goes, on providing musical instruments/lessons to the MP's in house band! We're in a recession, and probably due to the in house battle of the bands they've been doing. No one is running the country, they're all too busy rocking out... at least they didn't show us MP4 in action, I may have slammed my head through the television in disgust. Can the politicians please stop learning new riffs for one f***ing second and figure us a way out of the economic turmoil that we're in? Please?
If it were up to me, and it never is, I would assemble the likes of Andrew Lloyd Webber and put them into a hannibal lector style facility where they could write masterpieces and not placed in a reality tv-show every time. The Eurovision is crap. I hear some people saying, "but Adamicus, I like Eurovision" well I can see why you'd like it, it can be mildly entertaining, but seriously, it's like a Rugby Theatre Pantomime, once you've lived through one you know what to expect next time, and it all becomes scarily familiar. Why don't the do Eurovision like the Olympics... no I don't mean drug test them, or you wouldn't get half the countries on stage, what I mean is do it every four years!
Well good luck to the lady who DID win the show, I hope your career is better than that of Gemini, who I believe were found dead in their own feces. Good night!
It's not that I don't like reality tv programs, they can have some of the most genuinely amusing, heat warming... wait... I'm speaking shit. The only good reality tv programs are ones with conflict in them, stuff where a contestant is reduced to tatters... you see we've not really evolved far from the days of Rome, where a saturday's entertainment would be throwing the christians to lions... now instead of lions we have a pannel of judges with your obligitory "nasty" judge, who all the doe eye hopefuls sell their souls to try and impress, only to be rediculed and humiliated, and instead of the christians we have whiny annoying shells of human beings, people who have nothing left to live for.... so it's just the lions that have changed then...
The thing I hate most is the pleading from the contestants on a regular basis as to why you should get off your fat arse, go the phone, dial a number and add in excess of £1.50 to your phone bill. "Please vote for me, my mum and dad are parapalegic, blind, mute piano players, who have both just lost their jobs and can't afford the medicine that will keep them alive, and if I win this it will enable me to pay for that medicine, you could save their lives if you just press the red button!" and you get the sob story of "this whole compettion means the world to me, my life is this competition, if you do not vote for me I will die... please, I will suck your ****, please, I'm begging you... what do you want? Do you want me to bleed? I'll do anything!!!"
Ok, a bit to far, but you get the gist.
The latest offle, sorry... offering from the BBC is a eurovision reality tv program, where the contestant has the (honour?) of representing us at the eurovision. If that wasn't bad enough, they've wheeled our Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber again, from whatever sanitarium he resides in mon-fri, to co-host this shit with Graham Norton wearing one of his trade mark vomit enducing suits, that look like it's something a child would design and is made from the same material your Ironing board covers made from. Lord Webber, who everyday is looking more and more like a cross between Toad of Toad Hall and Darth Vader sans Helmet in Star Wars : Return of the Jedi, wrote the song that the (talented?) winner will evenutally throw up infront of the rest of europe.
I used to have nothing but respect fro The Lord, but after seeing him in this show I've started to question my loyalties. Lord Webber can write some great musicals, and is a very talented man... however a two legged dog with rabies could produce a better song for Eurovision than the abortion that Webber has put forth from his aging loins... Plus the final three acts are kinda normal, I mean they can all hold a tune and are your regular X-Factor ilk, but the BBC seem to have forgotten that you only win the Eurovision for two reasons. 1 - other countries are scared of your country invading them so they vote you or 2 - your act is a combination of mutant/trans-sexual/paedophile/euro-trash/ewok.
The BBC did address the political angle of Eurovision, by taking the 3 acts to the houses of parliament... and introduced us to Mp4... a in-house band that the MP's have... I couldn't believe it... so this is where all our hard earned money goes, on providing musical instruments/lessons to the MP's in house band! We're in a recession, and probably due to the in house battle of the bands they've been doing. No one is running the country, they're all too busy rocking out... at least they didn't show us MP4 in action, I may have slammed my head through the television in disgust. Can the politicians please stop learning new riffs for one f***ing second and figure us a way out of the economic turmoil that we're in? Please?
If it were up to me, and it never is, I would assemble the likes of Andrew Lloyd Webber and put them into a hannibal lector style facility where they could write masterpieces and not placed in a reality tv-show every time. The Eurovision is crap. I hear some people saying, "but Adamicus, I like Eurovision" well I can see why you'd like it, it can be mildly entertaining, but seriously, it's like a Rugby Theatre Pantomime, once you've lived through one you know what to expect next time, and it all becomes scarily familiar. Why don't the do Eurovision like the Olympics... no I don't mean drug test them, or you wouldn't get half the countries on stage, what I mean is do it every four years!
Well good luck to the lady who DID win the show, I hope your career is better than that of Gemini, who I believe were found dead in their own feces. Good night!
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Movie of my life!!!
Steven Spielburg and I have been looking at a project to do together since I declined having a part in his ill-advised attempt at Shindlers List 2 - The Jews Strike Back...
Over a cup of coffee and a bagel, he suggested that we make a film of my life! I thanked Steven, (or Susan as he likes to be called by his close friends and relatives) for his interest, and said I'd get back to him.
My life as a film, what genre would it be? I mean, at first I thought, gross out comedy. But then I realised I was selling myself short, so in the end I decided on a Surreal Musical Thriller, Sci-fi Horror, Romantic Comedy, Western War Movie, Drama Re-Make with english subtitles.
Susan was intrigued and asked me which actors we should cast.
Well for me, I think Jim Carrey is a no brainer however he's not english but depending on his audition we might get through it... a close contender is Rowan Atkinson for the part of me.
My group of friends were easier to cast, Royston = Vinnie Jones, Polly = Anthony Hopkins, Braymachine = John Goodman, Milli = the girl who plays cassie in sking and Pope = Dame Judy Dench.
That's when I found out that Susan was just going to produce the film, I asked who'd be directing it and she/he told me it would be George Lucas.
I ended negotiations at that point, I'm not having any medi-chlorines in my movie. Looks like I'll have to pitch it to Danny Boyle now...
Over a cup of coffee and a bagel, he suggested that we make a film of my life! I thanked Steven, (or Susan as he likes to be called by his close friends and relatives) for his interest, and said I'd get back to him.
My life as a film, what genre would it be? I mean, at first I thought, gross out comedy. But then I realised I was selling myself short, so in the end I decided on a Surreal Musical Thriller, Sci-fi Horror, Romantic Comedy, Western War Movie, Drama Re-Make with english subtitles.
Susan was intrigued and asked me which actors we should cast.
Well for me, I think Jim Carrey is a no brainer however he's not english but depending on his audition we might get through it... a close contender is Rowan Atkinson for the part of me.
My group of friends were easier to cast, Royston = Vinnie Jones, Polly = Anthony Hopkins, Braymachine = John Goodman, Milli = the girl who plays cassie in sking and Pope = Dame Judy Dench.
That's when I found out that Susan was just going to produce the film, I asked who'd be directing it and she/he told me it would be George Lucas.
I ended negotiations at that point, I'm not having any medi-chlorines in my movie. Looks like I'll have to pitch it to Danny Boyle now...
Zombie Survival : Day Nine
The thick plottens!!
So, there I was captured by my ex-friends (kinda like the x-men but without the powers and not as friendly) wondering if they were going to leave me here to die or if they were going to feed me to the zombies. The room I was in was lacking any kind of amenities, and I couldn’t tell where I was as the windows were all barred up with Bamboo.
I heard a noise at the door to my (cell?) and decided I’d jump whoever it was, knocking them out, and get the hell out of here. I heard a bamboo key turn in the bamboo lock, and I prepared myself for the ensuing battle.
As soon as the figure stepped in the room I leapt on them, we tussled for a while, then I realised that it was Polly I was tussling with and that he was still completely naked. Being completely creeped out by this fact I let him go and shuddered to myself for some time.
Polly explained to me that he believed that the Zombie Virus ™ was too dangerous, and he wouldn’t let anyone leave the island for fear of spreading it to the mainland. That was why he had shot at Royston, and at us. When quizzed as to why he was naked he just stared at me.
Royston came in the room at this time, shuddered at the sight of Polly and then confronted me. He told me that he was beyond pissed off about our current predicament, and blamed me for the deaths (or un-deaths) of Braymachine and Pope, and that if it was up to him, he’d kill me where I stood, however he wanted my help to destroy the island.
I did ask the scientists to place several counter-measures, just in case, to kill of the un-dead. It was never revealed to me as to what they actually were. I explained to Royston and Polly that this was the case, all the while trying not to catch Polly in my peripheral line of sight for fear of seeing a little too much of my naked crazed friend.
Polly made it very clear that we had to stop this twisted experiment of mine, and that we needed to find out what the counter-measures were and how to activate it before the others do whatever it is they’re doing here.
At this point I remembered that Cap’n Skipper had had luggage on his boat, and that I had wondered who it belonged too. I asked Polly what he meant by “others”? Polly then told me that I wasn’t the only one interested in Nefarious’s zombie population…
My brother was on the island, with a crap team… sorry, crack team. Polly overheard them talking about getting a sample of Zombie Virus ™ and selling it to the highest bidder, probably on ebay.
My brother Kristofus was captured as a youth and experimented on by Nazi American Indians who in-turn were trying to create a being of pure evil. It seems that the evil I have unleashed on the island has now been eclipsed by the tyrant that is my brother. Polly didn’t see the other members of his team, but chances are I probably know them.
The naked crazed man and Royston were right of course, I had to help them stop the Zombie Virus ™ before my brother could use it for pure(er) evil!
So, there I was captured by my ex-friends (kinda like the x-men but without the powers and not as friendly) wondering if they were going to leave me here to die or if they were going to feed me to the zombies. The room I was in was lacking any kind of amenities, and I couldn’t tell where I was as the windows were all barred up with Bamboo.
I heard a noise at the door to my (cell?) and decided I’d jump whoever it was, knocking them out, and get the hell out of here. I heard a bamboo key turn in the bamboo lock, and I prepared myself for the ensuing battle.
As soon as the figure stepped in the room I leapt on them, we tussled for a while, then I realised that it was Polly I was tussling with and that he was still completely naked. Being completely creeped out by this fact I let him go and shuddered to myself for some time.
Polly explained to me that he believed that the Zombie Virus ™ was too dangerous, and he wouldn’t let anyone leave the island for fear of spreading it to the mainland. That was why he had shot at Royston, and at us. When quizzed as to why he was naked he just stared at me.
Royston came in the room at this time, shuddered at the sight of Polly and then confronted me. He told me that he was beyond pissed off about our current predicament, and blamed me for the deaths (or un-deaths) of Braymachine and Pope, and that if it was up to him, he’d kill me where I stood, however he wanted my help to destroy the island.
I did ask the scientists to place several counter-measures, just in case, to kill of the un-dead. It was never revealed to me as to what they actually were. I explained to Royston and Polly that this was the case, all the while trying not to catch Polly in my peripheral line of sight for fear of seeing a little too much of my naked crazed friend.
Polly made it very clear that we had to stop this twisted experiment of mine, and that we needed to find out what the counter-measures were and how to activate it before the others do whatever it is they’re doing here.
At this point I remembered that Cap’n Skipper had had luggage on his boat, and that I had wondered who it belonged too. I asked Polly what he meant by “others”? Polly then told me that I wasn’t the only one interested in Nefarious’s zombie population…
My brother was on the island, with a crap team… sorry, crack team. Polly overheard them talking about getting a sample of Zombie Virus ™ and selling it to the highest bidder, probably on ebay.
My brother Kristofus was captured as a youth and experimented on by Nazi American Indians who in-turn were trying to create a being of pure evil. It seems that the evil I have unleashed on the island has now been eclipsed by the tyrant that is my brother. Polly didn’t see the other members of his team, but chances are I probably know them.
The naked crazed man and Royston were right of course, I had to help them stop the Zombie Virus ™ before my brother could use it for pure(er) evil!
Car Advert
I was watching a car advert the other night, through laziness, not by choice...
There's some kid in a car, who picks up a cow using her hands and places it on top of a petrol station's roof. Irresponsible!!! If I was her father, I'd stop the car and make her take it off again.
So, put yourself in the petrol station guys shoes. You're working in the middle of nowhere, you've been called in to work even though it's supposed to be your day off in a typical Clerks moment, at a petrol station which seldom see's any traffic.
So you're helping yourself to a sly Slush Puppy when all of a sudden you hear a "Moooo". You open the door to see on top of your petrol station roof, there is a cow.
You immediatly realise that someone in a vauxhall has driven past and irresponsibly let their child use the god like powers that the car gives them, to put a cow on your roof. You're now tasked with getting the cow down, then your mobile goes off, it's the hospital... your wife was attacked by rabid wolverines and they need you down there asap. But... there's a cow on your roof, what do you do?
These car adverts never think of the little people, and that's why I don't drive...
There's some kid in a car, who picks up a cow using her hands and places it on top of a petrol station's roof. Irresponsible!!! If I was her father, I'd stop the car and make her take it off again.
So, put yourself in the petrol station guys shoes. You're working in the middle of nowhere, you've been called in to work even though it's supposed to be your day off in a typical Clerks moment, at a petrol station which seldom see's any traffic.
So you're helping yourself to a sly Slush Puppy when all of a sudden you hear a "Moooo". You open the door to see on top of your petrol station roof, there is a cow.
You immediatly realise that someone in a vauxhall has driven past and irresponsibly let their child use the god like powers that the car gives them, to put a cow on your roof. You're now tasked with getting the cow down, then your mobile goes off, it's the hospital... your wife was attacked by rabid wolverines and they need you down there asap. But... there's a cow on your roof, what do you do?
These car adverts never think of the little people, and that's why I don't drive...
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