Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Half Arsed Review: Evil Things

Warning, another Found Footage horror has been made, and this time it's about a group of people who go to a house and are never heard of/seen again.

Sound familiar? It should do, as this is the premise for most found footage horrors. The footage is found and the bodies aren't.

Evil Things has five friends go up to a remote cabin that belongs to one of their aunts (Gail). During their car journey we get to meet them a bit better, there's Leo the camera guy, Mark the everyman, an overly dramatic girl called Cassy, a girl who is celebrating her 21st birthday and who looks like Miranda Hart but is called Miriam and some fickle ill bitch who whines and moans for the entirety of the film named Tanya.

As they travel the snowy roads, they have a duel-esque face off with a van. The van driver acts like a real dick and puts the Willey's into the teens by beeping his horn, speeding in front of them then slowing down, and by driving really slowly past them when they're eating in a road side cafe.

They are so creeped out at one point that they drive off and are suddenly attacked by a waitress telling them they've forgotten something and hands the startled passenger the item that she had left in the restroom. I didn't see what it was but I think it was feces.

When they finally do get to the house in the middle of nowhere, there is no electricity. Not a good start when it's freezing outside and you've got some weirdo stalking you in his van. Suddenly a vehicle drives up to the house and the young friends get the fright of their life when someone begins banging on the door! OMG, is it the van driver? No, it's friendly Aunt Gail to tell us that the power is out.

She somehow magics the electric on and then she goes off back into the frosty night, leaving them to their certain deaths and probably on to another niece of hers who's staying at camp Crystal Lake.

It's then revealed that it's Miriam's birthday and she gets a cake, and she didn't expect a cake... yeah whatever. The next morning the guys try to get the girls to go for a walk in the snowy woods with them, all of the relent as it's Miriam's birthday present apparently. I say all of them, but I mean all of them except Tanya, who lays on her bed and bitches and moans about the whole thing. Why the hell did they bring this bitch!? She's the biggest Killjoy since time immemorial!

Anyway, the kids go off into the woods and before long are lost. They start panicking! How on earth can they get back to the house now they're lost? Quick thought... how about you look down to the ground and follow your FUCKING FOOTSTEPS!!! It's not even snowing and it never crosses their collective minds to just follow their footsteps back the way they came.

Then there's creepy noises in the woods, OMG is it some kind of Blair Witch? They do the only sensible thing and run off in different directions, before finally finding the house again.

When they're all home safe and sound, guess who turns up. Friendly Aunt Gail? No, the Van Driver. They get a knock on their door, they find a video tape, and play it to see they've been filmed whilst they were sleeping and that the Van man has his own camera.

The Van driver then attacks, although you never see him attack and most of them are "killed off" outright. The final bits are a homage to Silence of The Lambs as the over dramatic Cassy is filmed on night vision by the Van driver as she tries to get out. Also, the Van driver is making the same noises as the strange creatures we never saw but heard in the woods.

It ends with a figure viewing all of the found footage, before seeing the next group of victims from the killers cam.

Was it any good? Meh, it was okay. It had some good ideas but never really paid off. The threat was formulaic, although the sfx of the Van driver/creature sounded good. For me the acting was a little OTT at points and I at least wanted to see Tanya get dismembered.

It's not a bad lost footage film, there are so many that are a lot lot worse than this. (Episode 50) But it never quite reached it's full potential in my opinion.

Rent it and make your own minds up.

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