Zombie Suvival : Day Two -

I woke up this morning at about 3 am to see Cap'n Skipper in my bunk.

"Thar be a foul air to this journey, ya cud turn ye back if ye wanted and save yarselves the grizzly fate that awaits ye." he told me, and then walked out. Suffice to say I didn't get much sleep for fear of another bunk-invasion by the crazed seaman.

I got on deck at about 6am to find Royston playing with a Rubiks cube that he got from Port before we left. He, like me, had had no real sleep, but his reason was in his hands, mine was partly the Cap'n's fault and partly due to excitement and dread. Am I doing the most sensible thing taking my friends to their inveitable deaths, I thought as I unwrapped a strawberry cornetto, then I spent the next few minutes wondering where I'd got the cornetto from.

At 8am we saw Nefarious, the Island I'd infected with the Zombie Virus (tm), it looked quite nice in the morning light. Pope remarked "It looks so purty, I hope there is a bar there"

The first sign that something was wrong was when we tied up the boat at Port Venture. The little town seemed deserted. Cap'n Skipper told us he'd pick us up in a week and cast off, I think I heard him laughing as he went.

First thing Braymachine did was got out his PDA and tried to bring up a map of Nefarious on google, but he couldn't connect to the internet... I've never seen someone so lost as him when he couldn't google. Polly was happy though, he was glad we had no contact with the outside world as we could enjoy the holiday without interuption... little did he realise what we were about to face.

Milli and Pope decided to go and try and find a bar for Pope whilst the men went to check in at the Hotel. After a short treck through the deserted streets we arrived at "Hotel Lollypop", a large building which was where we were supposed to be staying on our first night on the island. Polly strode up to the front desk and pressed the bell on the desk, which to his suprise was covered in blood, he then peered over the desk and saw what he later described as "looked like one of Addy's ex-girlfriends" and ran out to be sick.

So we had a dead body on our hands and no sign of life (or un-life). That was until the girls came running towards us at quite a lick. "RUUUUUN!" Milli screamed at the top of her lungs. And to my horror(glee?) behind her were the townsfolk... very zombified, but not the slow kind of zombies, these were the fast 28 day later infected zombies!! Polly ran back in followed by Milli and Pope, Royston managed to snap Braymachine out of his non-google trance long enough for him to help barricade the bamboo door.

Royston jumped over the ex-girlfriend and grabbed keys to a room on the top floor ran halfway up the bamboo staircase and turned to us saying "come with me if you want to live". It was a pretty cool Arnie moment. We followed him up the bamboo stair case, along the bamboo hallway and into room 333, which we barricaded with bamboo furniture.

There were several questions from the group. What was going on? Why were the townsfolk attacking us? Why can't I access Google? Where's the liquer and why'd they bite me? What were we going to do? But none of us had the answers... well I did, but I wasn't going to let on just yet.

Milli and Polly were happy staying in the hotel, but Braymachine said he wanted to get the hell out of here, Pope concured saying she was "dry". Royston looked out the bamboo window and saw the zombies were surrounding the building. "It looks like they're not giving up" he said... followed by Pope's words "I don't feel so good" she then proceeded to vomit blood on the floor and fainted... Polly steadied her and applied his first aid training. She had a bite wound, and only I knew what that would lead to. "She needs to rest, but we need some medicine" Polly exclaimed. Milli had seen a small clinic when her and Pope were trying to find a bar.

Royston volunteered me, Milli and him to go looking for some medicine, hopefully I'll be able to update this as soon as I get back... oh and if you're wondering how I'm updating this but Braymachine can't access the internet... well like how I got the cornetto, it remains a mystery.

Interview with a video game character...

#1 Mario!

Adam: Hello everyone, today I am interviewing Mario Mario, Japanese computer comany Nintendo's italian mascot. Hello to you Mario Mario, may I just call you Mario.


Mario: It's a me... Mario.


Adam: Okaay... but it wasn't always was it? I have your birth certificate here, stating that your name is Jumpman

Mario: It's true, I was born Jumpman, but I felt like I had no identity, so I had it changed legally.


Adam: So what's with you and the princess? I mean, you've been rescuing her for 20 odd years now, have you gotten past 1st base?


Mario: A gentleman never tells.


Adam: A gentleman also always wears gloves when he's making love... is that why you have a pair?

Mario: No, I'm a plumber, that's why I wear gloves

Adam: I've never seen a plumber with gloves as white as yours, and you've been "plumbing" for 20+ years!

Mario: I'm good at what I do, and that's what gets me. Everyone knows me for my gymnastic prowess, being able to stomp a few hundred enemies, beat up a massive lizard every now and again and of course rescuing princesses and flying round the galaxy in various different suits thanks to getting hats of various shapes and sizes... But nobody knows how good I am at plumbing. Let me tell you, I am the best damned plumber that ever lived. I spoke to Nintendo so many times over the years over making a plumbing game, but they didn't think it'd sell.


Adam: I don't know, I reckon a wii plumbing game would work. Jiggle the plunger about with the wii mote, be a bit like Wario Ware.


Mario: Please don't talk about that fat bastardo in my presence.


Adam: Oh sorry, you're not on best terms with your alter-ego?


Mario: I'm not on best terms with a lot of people.


Adam: How about your brother, Luigi?


Mario: We had a bit of a falling out a while ago, I mean he had that whole mansion thing where he had a titular role, and I was relegated to a painting, but he helped me out a few times when I was missing and lost in time. We get on okay.


Adam: Did you see much of the roylaties made from the movie about you?


Mario: Like hell did I BOB HOSKINS? BOB HOSKINS? How the hell do I look like Bob Hoskins anyway? At a push they could have cast John Candy, but I guess he's not quite as athletic as me.


Adam: It was a shit film

Mario: It's like Nintendo saw the Star Wars Holiday special and liked it, then thought... hmm Mario would be good in something as bad as this.


Adam: So, back in the early 90's you had some rivalry with Sonic the Hedgehog, was that more a Sega Vs Nintendo, or did you actually hate him?


Mario: Don't get me started on that drug infused prick


Adam: This comes from the man who uses "mushrooms" to grow


Mario: Hey, they're magic mushrooms. Sonic was a fad, his games suck now, whereas mine reign supreme. He had to muscle in on one of my games to sell some units, and I beat his ass in shotput.


Adam: I'd agree that Sonic's not been as good in 3d, but he had his moments in 2d.


Mario: Look at his sidekicks? He has hundreds, I've never really needed any, most my adventures are me, a couple of goomba's and Bowser. He needed to sell more units so Sega gave him a whole ******* zoo! Plus his main villain, Dr. Robotdick kinda looked like me, he had a mustache and everything!
Adam: Yeah but, he wasn't italian or anything.
Mario: I kicked his ass in Super Smash Bros on the Wii, and I'll do it again, name a place and a time, and I'll ***** the ***** with a ******** and **** ***** ****** ****** cumcumber up his ******** furthermore he can bite my italian ass!

Adam: Okay Mario calm down dude


Mario: If you see that Sonic, tell him I'm a looking for him!
{Mario then left down a pipe, what a prick}

Zombie Survival - Day One

Day One

It's been about a week since my scientists unleashed the Zombie Virus(tm) on the unsuspecting Island of Nefarius. So there should be a moderate population of zombies, unless they've all eaten themselves or the locals managed to fend them off.
The Braymachine used his business skills to hire a boat to take us to the island, as most of the locals at the port will not take us to Nefarius as it's "cursed"... always a good sign that. Pope has already pulled a couple of sailors, but Milli managed to drag her out of the Sailor heavy bar before she was covered in Sea-men.
The boat captain was a grizzled man who called himself Cap'n Skipper. If you can imagine Captain Haddock from TinTin... well he looked nothing like him, but he did have a beard, which in my mind made him reliable.
After casting off, Polly turned to me and stated "I've got a bad feeling about this" before resigning to reading some war poetry.

The journey to the island will take us the rest of the day, first thing in the morning we should arrive at Port Venture, a little like Porta Ventura I'd imagine, but with more zombies.

New and Improved

You may or may not have noticed(or care) but I've changed the layout of the page.

Got some good ideas for some (coherant?) things on here, keep checking for updates or I'll steal your socks.

Zombie Survival - Prelude

"LET THE GREAT EXPERIMENT BEGIN" - Dr. Tobias Funke

After investing wisely with the large sponsorship Wikipedia and google are paying me to mention them in every conversation I have nowerdays, I have now got my own Island in the med... and thanks to my advanced knowledge of chemistry, I have been able to infect the residence of the island with a zombie virus I call... um... zombie virus. {original}

Now I am travelling on a boat to the island, with my friends to see if I (and who of my friends) can survive the impending zombie apocalypse... my friends are unware of whats on the island and think we're going for a quick get-away.

Over the next few days... if I survive, I will be updating you with news of our survival. Here are the brave souls (fools) who are accompanying me.

Royston - He's mid 20's and is as sarcastic as he is streetwise. Growing up in a rough part of the town I call Rugby, has hardened his outer-shell but will it be enough to stop zombie teeth chewing on his sensitive insides?

Pope - Not religious as all, she's like a bike... by that I mean she's reliable... not that she's... well... She's in her early 20's and as glamarous as can be. She's says it like she see's it and has a softer underbelly like an armadillo... not like an armadillo's underbelly, but her underbelly is softer than her... oh come on, you must understand that, do I have to explain everything?!?!? {sigh}

Polly - Not a woman, but a man. Polly has brought his collection of war poetry with him, he's a hippy of the 00's. Wouldn't hurt a fly, and is more anti-capatalist then Castro's right nut. He's mid 20's but is knicknamed Grandad for his old ways.

Braymachine - Larger than life... quite literally, this jolly (large) guy is an IT whizz kid. He's the Jabba the hutt of the IT world. He's happyily married and just celebrated his 26th birthday, so what better time to be attacked mercilessly by the undead?

Milli - Another 20 something, who's come along for the ride. I told her we were going on a fact finding mission to Alderan, she falls for it everytime. Milli is a petite scottish lady who lives in Ireland. She has great empathy for people/animals/plants and runs mainly on candyfloss and ribena.

So, over the next few days we shall see... who survives... hopefully I will or you wont know the end!! Stay tuned true believers!

The Battle of The Bulge!

Britain's is like America's little cousin, Britain tries to emulate America to "look cool", but the rest of the world just looks at Britain and thinks "twat"

The War on Terror happened, and we jumped on the bandwagon to go kill whoever it was who was doing whatever it was to America. Now, I'm not agreeing with the terrorists, believe you me, at the end of the day September the 11th is one of the worst non-fictional things I've ever seen and my heart goes out to anyone who was effected by it.

Well by anyone I don't mean those people who try to jump on the band wagon to get sympathy to justify their exsistence, but people who were genuinely upset/outraged/lost somebody and the same with the London bombings.

(At this point my friend Flink would like to add that her 21st birthday was ruined by September the 11th, not by a plane crashing into her house tho, but you get the gyst...)

So we invaded whatever country homed the "masterminds" behind these attacks, and also happened to have some oil in, we got rid of Saddam in the process and are still in Afghanistan fighting the (good?) fight.

The thing is, the war on terror is something you'll never win. If you start a government with a certain set of ideals, you'll have someone else who disagree's with them and will do anything to enforce their belief and other people just want to see the world burn, to quote Alfred the butler.

Well now we have a new terrorist... it's called obesity, and it's attacking us when we EAT!!!

The war on obesity is the next thing America is fighting and obviously as we're America's dough eye cousin, we're on the magical mystery tour's band wagon.

So, the government has decreed we as a nation are fat and are blaming things like computer games. I'll have you know that I've played computer games since I was small and I'm not fat, infact I rarely do any excercise apart from walking. It's just that I have a high/low metabolism, I'm sure that me playing computer games doesn't help my heatlh but I live for the moment... very lasily I may add, I'll deal with the problem when I have to.

When I first heard of the war on obesity, I thought "how the hell are they going to fight this war?" Invade McDonalds? Bomb Burger King? Raise KFC to it's kentucky fried core? Nuke Pizza Hut? No... this is a PR mans war, and the british government decided to strike the first blow using... claymation....

Cus watching Morph is going to get you to put down a burger... EPIC FAIL!!

When will Britain realise that just because America's got a shiny bike and he's bigger than the other kids, it doesn't stop America from being a complete wanker. Why don't we stop spending thousands of pounds on advertising something the government doesn't really have any control over and use that money to help people out during the recession.

The only cereal the government should be worried about is "Credit Crunch"

Love Hearts!?

Happy new year to you! I hope you enjoyed yourself as much as I did.

I threw an 80's themed New Years Eve party with my long suffering lady friend Louise, including a 5 second space hopper race, a kitchen full of zombies dancing to Thriller and Melody Pops and love hearts.

Which brings me onto a topic.

Love Hearts.

They've been round for ages and I always remembered them as having text on them that had something to do with romance. I mean, you could guarantee in a pack you'd get at least 1 "kiss me" and usually the girl you'd give it to would oblige (espeically if you'd laced the sweet with something)

However, we'd bought several packets of Love Hearts and put them into a bowl, rather than leaving them in their wrappers as people don't tend to open them if they're in their wrapper as they'd feel obligated to eat the whole pack.

In the bowl, I did not see 1 "kiss me" or "I love you" which is what I thought was the point of them, however there was an abundance of "Just say no" and "I surrender"

Just say no? What the duece? If you're giving love hearts out to a PGF (possible girl friend) you don't want to give them the option of turning you down... wait... now I sound like a rapist. What I'm saying is that some people believe in fate, and if your PGF is one of them she may interpret the love heart as a sign she shouldn't be with you, scuppering your chances!

Also, Melody Pops no longer contain a musical tune to play in their wrappers! These sweet companies need to be dealt with, swiftly.

Well that's all from me for the moment, but like Arnie in most 80's films... "I'll be back"