Zombie Survival : Day Eight

A Zombiefied Humperdink (Scary Thought!!)

Life is a rollercoaster, it’s full of ups and downs and it gets scary just before you throw up… plus it doesn’t last long, and there are always big queues…

Well, I had just realised that I had A) come back from being zombiefied and B) I had eaten someone. I was a little disappointed however, as I hadn’t seemed to change in anyway shape or form. Whereas Braymachine had turned into a ravenous tank of a machine and Pope had turned into a flying creature of death, I was just little old, blood soaked, me.

After leaving the relative safety albeit blood stained, I found that I was indeed in Port Venture, and on further examination Cap’n Skipper’s boat was anchored up, so he had come back to us after all. I made sure the coast was relatively zombie clear and “pegged it” to the boat. I would need the keys to get it started, and I presumed that Cap’n Skipper had them.
That’s when I noticed luggage… Cap’n Skipper had brought some people with him!! But where were they now?

One thing was certain, I did not want to spend one more god forsaken second on this zombie infested island. However just like having 2 Christmas dinners it sounds good on paper, but when you experience it for yourself it’s more painful… and keeps you anchored to the toilet for a few hours!!! But could I just get the keys off of Cap’n Skipper and leave any friends I had and these new people, to their inevitable fates?

The answer was a resounding, yes. What the hell, I thought, they’re probably already dead, and I had no wish to join the ranks of the un-dead again. So I did what I thought was best at the time, and that was to go back to Cap’n Skipper’s corpse and take the keys!
I snuck back into town and into the bamboo shack where Skipper was laying in a pool of his own blood/urine. (I think that’s how he’d like to be remembered) I put my hand in his pocket and felt around… I wondered why his keys were testicle shaped and what they were stuck on… then realised I was grabbing a dead man’s balls… so I turned him over and put my hand in his back pocket, sure enough the keys were there!

It was at this point that Cap’n Skipper decided to stand up… now I had my hand in the pocket of a zombie… luckily Skipper hadn’t noticed me just yet and was more concerned with leaving the bamboo hut… I tried to get my hand out of his back pocket but it was stuck, so I had to follow him, like all those people in the golden goose story, except this time the goose was a zombified sea dog.

The cap’n decided that he wanted to go towards a large group of other zombies who were spending their time eating the remains of what appeared to be a cow. Then he stopped, sniffed, and turned 180 degrees, luckily I went with him. The next thing I new I heard a gunshot and a bullet went into Skipper’s chest…

I looked up, someone must have been trying to save me, it was Polly sans clothes, and with claw marks on his shoulders. Polly shot again at Skipper’s shoulder…that’s when I realised that he wasn’t aiming for Skipper, he was aiming for me!!!
Using zombie Skipper as a zombie shield, I ran forwards towards the boat, all the while having bullets thudding into the confused Skipper. As I reached the boat, I was able to free my hand from Skipper’s trousers and pull the keys out. Pushing Skipper into the water as I fled, I jumped into the boat, and put the keys in the ignition.

That’s when I heard Royston say “Not going to happen” that’s when he knocked me out… I woke up in a crude hut, the bamboo door is locked and the bamboo windows are boarded up with bamboo. I am now a prisoner I guess of Polly and Royston. Where Milli is I have no idea…

Just when I thought I could save my own oily hide, I’m stopped by a mad naked guy and Royston! The story of my life I spose…

Zombie Survival : Day Seven cont...

urrr.... uuuuurrrrr....

uuuuuurrrr urrr wikipedia... urrr uuuuur

urrr rur ruurrr


uuuuuurrrrrighty then. Holy shit!


I'm... I'm... back! Ding Dong bang a gong, I'm... ALIVE!! YATTA!!!!


I've been to the otherside, got the t-shirt and came back... But where the hell am I?
I can taste a lot of blood... have I? Have I eaten someone?... hmm...

Well the zombie cure works, that's a bonus, there doesnt' seem to be any side effects, maybe if I could inject Braymachine and Pope, it'd bring em back to normal... or maybe not. I should really find where Milli, Royston and Polly are at... I seem to be on my own, in a bamboo shack of some kind, and... ah, there's a body on the floor. I hope it's not anyone I know/care about...

Phew... It's Cap'n Skipper!! Which means, I must be in Port Venture, he must have come back for us, which means his boat must be here. Right, I'll update you soon.

Zombie Survival : Day Seven

uuuuurrr..... uuuuuuuuurrrrrrr.....

uuuurrr..... brraaiiiinnnsss......

Glade

It seems that Advertising executives are trying to get their adverts onto clip shows for bizarre adverts these days.

I can't turn the television on at the moment without being smacked in the face by an advert of pure randomness and bewilderment. The usual culprit is the obligitory Car Advert.


It used to be a given that a car advert would be about the car and not just feature the car. The latest advert that made me re-evaluate my life however was a Glade advert on Channel 4.

Picture the scene, a mum and her son. The son, who is about 6 I guess, informs his mother (out of sync I believe) that he wants a poo. At this point, I'm thinking, ok this is a nappy advert for potty changing or a new kids bog roll that is softer than wiping your pre-pubesent arse on a teddy bears innards. Plus I'd rather not know which number this kid wants, couldn't he have just said "I need the toilet"? I could have been eating my dinner ffs!


The mother tells her child that he should just go use the toilet, to which the boy replies "I want to poo at Jack's? house".

So I'm thinking, what the hell is this an advert for? For a second I thought the reason he wanted to go to Jack's house was because he wanted to ride in the new vauxhall, and the whole thing had been a set up for the latest car.

Then the reveal. Jack's house has Glade!

Riight, so what the hell is this advert trying to say. Is it saying buy Glade so that you will encourage your children and all their friends to use your toilet? If anything, this advert makes me NOT want to buy Glade, for fear of a knock on the door from a random 6 year old who wants nothing more than to releave his sugar coated bowels in my Woodland Grove scented bathroom.


I seriously wonder WHO designs these adverts??? Maybe I should find out...

Zombie Survival : Day Six

Well, out of the long line of history's worst decisions, my decision to create and then personally travel to a zombie infested island is right up there, next to sailing on the titanic or moving to Iraq.


I really should have thought this through and am regretting it more than that time I got my balls stuck in a toaster... I had to toast them to get them out by the way.


I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise, blair witch style (minus the snot), to the families and loved ones of the doomed souls I brought with me. To Mrs. Braymachine, I'm sorry you'll never know the joys of having children with Mr. Braymachine, but at least you can cancel the direct debit with Domino's Pizza now. To Pope's family, I'm sorry you'll never be able to see your daughter go through re-hab, she's in a better place right now. To Royston's better half, I'm sorry but I think he's going to miss his wedding day... it's not his fault, he'll probably be dead. To Milli's loved ones, I'm sorry she was scottish, but it's not her fault. To Polly's loved one's, the up side is that you wont have to hear his wierd music again... and the downside is... um... well Pub Quizes wont be as easy...


Royston and I had concucted a plan that was short of genius, using everyday house hold objects in what can only be described as sheer A-Team brilliance, we were able to construct, over a montage of course, a hang glider!!! According to Royston's calculations, one of us would be able to glide past the zombies by climbing a very tall tree we passed, then that person would glide over the zombies through the tunnel and into the secret laboratory, and from the laboratory turn on the security system gun turrets that I "found on the dead but no longer mad scientists PDA". (I actually didn't find it on the PDA, I already knew about it.)

So then we had to decide who would be gliding, I personally didn't want to take the risk and told them as I am short sighted and didn't have my glasses, I'd probably miss the tunnel completley. Milli couldn't do it as she was Scottish, so Royston, once again had to take the inniative.

He went off with the hang glider in tow, leaving me and Milli to watch from the window. I couldn't see much in the dark so took my glasses out from my coat pocket.

We waited with antici......pation for Royston's amazing flight. We waited for a few moments, and then, there he was, flying like a magestic eagle, closing in on the zombie ridden tunnel... then... a gunshot!!! Royston's flight was cut short, I looked up to where the shot had come from, it was POLLY! He was in a tree, pistol smoking in one hand whilst reading what looked like some "Keats" and completly... naked??

Polly had obviously gone Lord of the Flies crazy, so now we had zombies + crazed friend to deal with... Royston landed short of the zombies, but the gunshot had drawn their attention and they swarmed on Royston.. I heard him say "Not again" shortly before he ran for his life through some bushes with some zombies in toe, at least it was keeping him fit I suppose. This was our chance, Milli and I ran for the tunnel, bullets whizzing past us as we went from Polly's sniping poetry reading tree, then he jumped down infront of us, and stood between us and the tunnel.

Polly confronted me, and told me that he knew why we'd brought him to the island, I asked how he worked it out, and he told me that he hadn't worked it out, he'd read my blog! I asked why he shot Royston and why he was naked. He told me that he was the only one who deserved to live... yes he HAD gone Opal Fruit crazy. Then as he pulled the trigger he was swooped up into the air.

It seemed the Zombie Virus (tm) had had some different effects on Pope afterall, as I watched her fly into the distance, using her newly formed wings whilst holding Polly in her zombie talons.
Milli looked at me and asked if what Polly had said was true, I lied and told her I didn't even have a blog. I'm a bastard.

Milli and I began to walk down the tunnel, thanks to Roy clearing it with his unexpected diversion, then... the ground began to shake... I knew what was happening before it happened. Braymachine had found us, probably following the blood trail that my arm had been leaving!! Milli turned towards him and screamed... He ran towards us, and I ran away... Milli stayed screaming... I got to the door and closed it behind me. I was in the laboratory... but my friends were all un-dead/shit brick crazy/running through the bushes or soon to be ex-scottish.

Following the passageway I got to the secret laboratory, which were suprisingly empty, found the zombie cure (tm) and injected myself with it... the thing is... I don't feel any different and the bleeding isn't stopping. I'm sitting here in the laboratory looking through research notes and trying to work out how to get off the Island... actually I'm feeling pretty hungry. Could do with some steak, never been a fan of rare steak, but could actually do with something... the bloodier the better... I wodner if thyev gut a ketchin in hearr.. reuly hangry... muust eet sumfink...

Zombie Survival : Day Five cont...

Hello again, I apologise profusely for my lack of updating, but my battery ran out on this damned device and I had to wait till I got to a power supply to charge it up. Well since I last updated the situation has gone from bad, to worse, to “indifferent”. I’m minutes away from the secret laboratory from where I shall be able to get a cure for this Zombie Virus ™ well, hopefully anyway as if I don’t get the zombie cure ™ then I will join the relatively fast ranks of the un-dead. Since the incident with the mad scientist Polly is… oh wait! You’re probably wondering what the hell happened! Here am I gabbing on like a bored 9-5 office drone updating a blog!

Okay, so where were we…?

Ah yes, the bullet had left the chamber and was headed towards Royston, Milli and Polly… luckily for them, the mad scientist was much better at science than he was with a firearm and he missed wildly and shot off through the trees.

I used the opportunity to disarm the scientist, however we struggled and he fell head first onto the rock I had tried to kill the zombie with… killing the scientist straight away. Of course the questions came then as to the identity of the science corpse and why he was trying to shoot me. I feigned ignorance and Polly came over and took the gun off of the dead but no longer mad scientist.

Milli was not happy that Polly had the gun, she thought she should have it, I on the other hand thought that I should have the gun and obviously Royston thought that he should have the gun and we already knew how Polly felt about it as he was holding the gun… so we were in a predicament… Polly however came up with a really good idea. He said, we should all vote for another person, and the person who had the most votes gets the gun. We didn’t have any paper so he suggested we all stand in a circle, close our eyes and point at the person who should get to keep the only real defence we now had. So, we stood in a circle and I closed my eyes… the pain from my arm was really irritating me and hampering my cognitive abilities, but I thought through the pain.

Who should keep the gun? Royston so far had shown some guts but at the same time some cowardice, and he’s a bitter trigger happy, he’d probably use all our ammunition on one zombie. Polly was the most level headed guy out there and would only use the gun when it was absolutely necessary, but would he be too restrained with it? And Milli… well she was Scottish. But I had to choose one of them, so I pointed at Milli and opened my eyes… Polly was gone, with the gun.

“Well that’s just fucking fucktastic isn’t it?” Royston complained with muchos bravado. Milli started to cry, and I was slowly turning into a zombie… things weren’t looking good for us… until I searched the science corpse’s body and found… a PDA with a map of the island! HUZAH!!!

Looking at it, we weren’t too far away from the secret laboratory which housed the Zombie Cure ™. How convenient I thought…

After a trek through some harsh terrain, all the whilst my arm bleeding out, we came upon a tunnel… it was the entrance to the secret laboratory… only problem was the tunnel was full of zombies.

We found a small security hut outside the tunnel, where the zombies couldn’t see us and have hauled up here. Milli suggested waiting till night fall and getting past them when they sleep, Royston and I looked at each other in disbelief and began to conduct a different plan… but one that will use nightfall also… so now we wait…

Fitness Freak

Holy hell in a low-fat muffin basket!


He's back... The Mc Hammer of the fitness world. I speak of course of Mr Motivator.



The Spandex-clad superhero of the fitness fad world is back and he's more pro-active than ever. I happened upon him whilst flicking channels whilst waiting for a lift to work one day. His neon outfit seared through the sleep enduced catarax I experience first thing in the morning, and set fire to my house.


After the fire service had put out the flames, I began to wonder about where the hell Mr. Motivator had been all this time? So I did a bit of digging... usually I'd go straight to Wikipedia, but thanks to fire damage, that was no longer an option.


Well, firstly his last name isn't really Motivator, so he's lying to us from the off-set!! How are we supposed to believe that he can help us loose weight when he lies to us about his real name!?


My detectives found out that his human name is Derrick Evans, and he was born in 1952 in Jamacia making him... just using my calculator... 2009 - 1952 = 57. Wow, for an old guy he sure like his lycra! {maybe a little too much...}


So after he left tv land, he went on to do some DVD's... not porn like most tv celebrities, but the other kind of DVD that TV people make... excercise ones! He released a few and then has been doing corporate events apparantly... hmm...


I wanted to have a chat with Mr. Motivator so I arranged a meeting at his Retreat in Mongolia. It was a little chilly, and he greeted me wearing his trademark bright leotards. I asked why he wore them and he told me that he wanted to make fitness fun, so wore bright coloured outfits to grab your attention, and not as I originally thought for sexual reasons. Fair play to him I thought, this guy honestly cares about keeping people in shape, and he's such a nice guy... but my spider senses were tingling. After his third glass of prune juice he excused himself to use "the facilities" which I presume he meant that he"needed a poo/wee/both".


Being the opportunist that I am, I used the opportunity to sneak about and route through his belongings... and that's when, whilst moving a book from the bookcase, I found a secret passageway, of course I followed it without thinking twice and it led me into a large robotics factory!

Suddenly Mr. Motivator appeared behind me, carrying a WWII german service revolver. He explained that he was a sophisticated robot from the future who had been sent back in time to make the world slim, and that now I knew I would have to die.

However I told Mr. Motivator that if I died, people would ask questions, and that if he let me live I wouldn't tell anyone el... oooh shit. So um, forget I said anything yeah?