Thursday, 15 January 2009

Fitness Freak

Holy hell in a low-fat muffin basket!

He's back... The Mc Hammer of the fitness world. I speak of course of Mr Motivator.

The Spandex-clad superhero of the fitness fad world is back and he's more pro-active than ever. I happened upon him whilst flicking channels whilst waiting for a lift to work one day. His neon outfit seared through the sleep enduced catarax I experience first thing in the morning, and set fire to my house.

After the fire service had put out the flames, I began to wonder about where the hell Mr. Motivator had been all this time? So I did a bit of digging... usually I'd go straight to Wikipedia, but thanks to fire damage, that was no longer an option.

Well, firstly his last name isn't really Motivator, so he's lying to us from the off-set!! How are we supposed to believe that he can help us loose weight when he lies to us about his real name!?

My detectives found out that his human name is Derrick Evans, and he was born in 1952 in Jamacia making him... just using my calculator... 2009 - 1952 = 57. Wow, for an old guy he sure like his lycra! {maybe a little too much...}

So after he left tv land, he went on to do some DVD's... not porn like most tv celebrities, but the other kind of DVD that TV people make... excercise ones! He released a few and then has been doing corporate events apparantly... hmm...

I wanted to have a chat with Mr. Motivator so I arranged a meeting at his Retreat in Mongolia. It was a little chilly, and he greeted me wearing his trademark bright leotards. I asked why he wore them and he told me that he wanted to make fitness fun, so wore bright coloured outfits to grab your attention, and not as I originally thought for sexual reasons. Fair play to him I thought, this guy honestly cares about keeping people in shape, and he's such a nice guy... but my spider senses were tingling. After his third glass of prune juice he excused himself to use "the facilities" which I presume he meant that he"needed a poo/wee/both".

Being the opportunist that I am, I used the opportunity to sneak about and route through his belongings... and that's when, whilst moving a book from the bookcase, I found a secret passageway, of course I followed it without thinking twice and it led me into a large robotics factory!

Suddenly Mr. Motivator appeared behind me, carrying a WWII german service revolver. He explained that he was a sophisticated robot from the future who had been sent back in time to make the world slim, and that now I knew I would have to die.

However I told Mr. Motivator that if I died, people would ask questions, and that if he let me live I wouldn't tell anyone el... oooh shit. So um, forget I said anything yeah?

No comments: