Thursday, 17 September 2009

Bottle of Wine

I'm not a big drinker, ask any of my two friends and they'll tell you it only takes me two bottles of bud and then I'm on the floor. Superman has Kryptonite, my weakness is alcohol... and spiders... well most insects really... and the dark, I don't really like it... and confrontation, any kind of confrontation I hate...
I'd make a shit superhero.

Well, anyway, I had just finished a medicore meal that I'd lovingly poured out of a packet for my family, making a real effort after having drank a splendiforus amount of alcohol the night before and for once feeling a little rough the next day.
My brother brought over a bottle of ASDA wine, and it was very nice... better than the meal anyway! Now I don't know about you, but I like to read what I'm eating. I'm the type of guy who when consuming a packet of crisps, likes to read the packet. I guess really I should read the packet BEFORE I start eating, I mean imagine eating something and halfway through finding out that the main ingredient is 60% monkey sperm... suffice to say I never had double stuff oreos again...

I picked up the bottle of wine and had a closer inspection, the bottle read:

Fresh, fun and fruity. A dry white wine

Okay... when I tasted it, yeah it didn't taste stale and old, and I could deffinatly taste the fruityness... and yes it WAS a dry white wine... however, ASDA have told us that it tastes of FUN.

So let me get this straight... the heads at the wine plantations of ASDA (which is located 600 feet below sea level in an ASDA compound off the south of spain) have bottled FUN. They have stated that that particular wine tastes of fun. Okay, I'll say that if you have a bottle of this wine you may have fun, but you wont TASTE fun... How can you!? How the hell can you taste fun?

I then glance over and see a "(V) Suitable for vegitarians" symbol on the bottle. Now, am I right in thinking that wine is made from grapes and not cattle? I don't get this at all, unless the wine is being processed in a slaughter house, or unless the wine contains blood, then why wouldn't it be suitable for vegitarians? Next they'll be putting V signs on Evian!!

So now the last part of the bottle of wine that amused me.
If you are not 100% happy, we'll give you a new bottle.

Not, "If you are not 100% with this product." but "If you are not 100% happy". So I thought, am I 100% happy, no I'm not, I could do with some more money, or a better job and I'm not 100% happy about their claim to bottling the taste of "Fun". So going by the logic on the bottle, I would be entitled to free wine. And not just me, everyone. No one is ever 100% happy, unless they're high, drunk on ASDA wine or in the sack!

Anyway, next time you're eating or drinking something out of a packet/tin/bottle/corpse, read the packaging just in case.

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