Wednesday, 26 November 2008

A&E : A True Story

The rain fell from on high (as oppose to from below?) and soaked me to the bone last night as I walked the 5 mile trek from work to home. However on my way home I receive a telephonic communication off of my long suffering lady friend Louise, it turns out that her new best friend, Milly the horse, had attacked her.

Louise had just had a lovely “hack” with Milly and two of her friends down the stable. She was putting Milly back into her stable, which Milly didn’t take kindly to. Louise stirred Milly’s food with her hand as she always does, and fed Milly a carrot to keep her happy, however… Milly either smelling the food of Louise’s hand or because she fancied trying a bit of “man flesh” bit onto Louise’s finger, and refused to let go.

Louise said that she had to coax Milly off of her finger by luring her with another carrot, and then wrapped her swollen finger up in gause… Louise’s swollen finger, not Milly, as Milly is a horse and doesn’t have fingers… I’ve not got time to go into Horse Biology with you, suffice to say they have hooves, and if you didn’t know this you should go back to school… now!!!

Anyhoo, on returning home I tell Louise that she should really go to the hospital as most Zombie Apocalypse scenarios happen when someone gets bitten by something, but she ignored my advice and instead decided to call up her mother and then the NHS direct to hear their opinions. I was slightly hurt by this, but got Louise back by urinating in the sink, she hates it when I do that.

After much deliberation we went down the A&E ward, which at rugby is now a walk in centre so any tom dick and/or harry can go in with a runny nose and get as much drugs as they like, for free!

On arriving, we were depressed to see a full waiting room, and a large electronic sign stating that there was a 2 hour and 15 minute wait to see a doctor. The 15 minute wait was obviously for the receptionists who were chatting to each other whilst Lou was waiting patiently in front of them. They only paid her attention when a doctor came in behind them, looked at Lou and asked if he could help.

After waiting for some time and playing my favourite hospital room waiting game of “guess their illness!” we were seen by Alan the Nurse.

My spider senses tingled as soon as we got into the examination room when he said “Oh he can stay if he likes” referring to me. He had either misheard Lou asking me to hold her bag, or was talking to the voices in his head.
Then the alarm bells rang.
Alan said “hmm… I’m not sure if you need a tetanus or not” so then he turned round, and went on GOOGLE. I wish I was joking.

Yes this man’s medical knowledge can be summed up in one word, “Crap”.

After exploring Google for a while, he concurred with the voices in his head that he needed to give Lou a jab. He joked on the way out “Now I get the pleasure of stabbing you, don’t go anywhere”

Which made me think two things, 1 – does this guy actually work for the hospital, if so is he the janitor or is he just some guy off the street or a mental ward escapee and 2 – did most people escape when he went out to get the syringe?

Lou turned to me when he left and suggested we left as she was scared that he would use the syringe like a dart. On returning he pretty much did use the syringe like a dart, after doing two circles and jabbing it into her arm… next lou started bleeding to which his medical response was to put a tissue on it. “Don’t worry” he said “You’re now covered against tetanus for life” and I’m sure I heard him mutter under his breath “but I think I’ve just given you aids”

From now on, if I need to goto A&E I’ll be going to Coventry…

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