Zombie Survival : Day Three cont

It's getting harder to update you all on our progress, as the group are starting to get suspicious of my long "toilet brakes" but I think I've managed to fool them with my "I'm having a danger wank" line.

Yesterday after my update, we left the hotel and the small Port Venture and headed inland, after constructing various weapons from bamboo items from Hotel Lollypop and headed north till we came to a small garage which had an open top jeep, the keys were no where to be seen... until the zombie mechanic stumbled across us.

Milli did her usual scream as loud as she can, Pope vomitted some blood onto Polly's shoes who was more concerned with his Converse trainers than the rotting corpse. The Mechanic ran at us full pelt, I threw my bamboo spear at him, missing completly, Royston was up next and hit the zombie with his bamboo spade, however it splintered and the Mechanic kept coming. He leapt on Royston pinning him to the ground, Royston pleading for help all the while keeping the nashers of the Mechanic off of him.

That's when Braymachine stepped in, he stated "I need no weapons" and grabbed the Mechanic by the scruff of the neck and threw him over the opposite side of the garage. The Mechanic landed on his face and we heard a sickening SNAP as his neck broke in the fall. Braymachine casually walked up to the Mechanic and took the keys out of his top pocket. "There, wasn't that hard was it?"

Suddenly the zombies poured into the garage from all sides Polly jumped into the drivers seat and the rest of us piled into the back... except for Braymachine... who tripped as he ran to the jeep. As the zombies gathered round him, he chucked the keys to us, Polly revved up the engine and accelerated over the zombies, crushing a few, and then quickly reversed as the zombies turned their attention on us... as we sped away from the garage I looked back as the final signs of life dissapeared from Braymachines eyes...

I felt a bit guilty, one of my closest friends was now zombie chowder and another one of my friends is gradually turning into one... but wait. When I had the scientists develope Zombie Virus(tm) I also got them to develope Zombie Cure (tm) which would reverse the process of the former. The laboratory where it was held was underneath the hospital, the very place we were headed.

Polly bombed along the unkempt road from Port Venture all the while humming "golden brown" to himself in a manic state. Royston was the first to talk "well, I know Braymachine's dead...but he's given us a great headstart, I mean if they're eating him... they'll be there some time."
Milli gave Royston a cold look, I broke in before the potential argument "From what I remembered when I booked this holiday, there is a hospital in the next town over."

Polly stopped the car and turned to me "This is all your fault Addy, why the hell did you bring us here?" my heart skipped a beat, did he know more than I gave him credit for, or was he just blaming me for the death of a friend? Milli however turned on Polly and told him "How was Addy supposed to know about the zombies?" Polly then started the car up again and drove in silence till we stopped for a "toilet break"

And that brings us uptodate... today we'll be headed towards the hospital, and hopefully the underground laboratory. All my knowledge from horror movies is telling me that a hospital is a very bad idea to go when dealing with zombies, as where do the infected people go? Hospital to seek a cure of course... and instead end up dying and coming back from the dead. On that note, Pope is looking worse by the minute, if I dont get her the cure soon, well we'll have to deal with her the old fashioned way. Well Polly is honking the horn, I'll update you soon.

Aftermath #02 The Goonies

Goonies never say... what?

The Goonies, a great family film and it made you want to go on adventures. I used to check the attic for treaure maps on a regular basis, but all I found was dead bodies... lots and lots of dead bodies...

Anyway, the end of the film (spoilers) has the titular children thwarting some baddies with the help of a loveable mutant that they leave to die (but comes back at the end) and taking some pricesless jewels from the dubiously named "One eye willy". They then give the jewels to their parents and they no longer have to sell their homes to make way for a golf course! And they all live happily ever... oh wait...

One Eye Willy stole those jewels from someone, let's say, the spanish. Now the Spanish have been looking for these fabled jewles for some time now, and to stop an international incident the US government takes the jewels off of the Goonie's parents, without re-embursing them. Meaning they still have to sell their homes to the golf course man (whose real name believe it or not is Elgin, I kid ye not, no wonder the guy is so bitter.)

The friends split up and go there seperate ways and grow up.

Sloth died shortly after the events of the film as the Fratelli's (not the band) used to give him a drug hormone to keep him alive... with them in prison, he didn't have the drugs to keep him going and was found dead on the toilet with a "Babe Ruth" bar sticking out of his blood stained mouth.

Data (short-round) now works as a lowly office drone in a robotics company, he goes home to his american wife who is drunk by 4pm and insults his manhood before going out to see her various lovers, he cries himself to sleep wondering if his children are his own.

Chunk soon got over the pain of Sloth's demise by eating more and more. Chunk loved food so much that he got a job at McDonalds, he ate more burgers than he sold and his family had an intervention on his behalf. After he saw what it was doing to his family, he stopped eating and became a weight loss fanatic, however he was run over in his mid 20's when out on a jog.

Mouth ended up getting put into foster care after his constant use of spanish resulted in the death of a housekeeper. Mouth ended up getting hooked on Heroin and spent the remainder of his life using his mouth to get money from businessmen in dark alleyways, however things took a bad turn and he stole a car and accidently killed a jogger. Mouth is currently in prison.

Andy ended up running away from her now home in Arkham as it was "too weird" and moved to Hollywood in search of fame and fortune... however several teen porn movies later she leaped from her penthouse apartment in a drug enfused state. (As can be seen at the start of Lethal Weapon 1)

Steph (the one who looked like a guy) went on to become a succesful fashion designer and New York socialite and raving lesbian.

Brand moved out when his kid brother Mikey became detactched from the world. He finally passed his driving test and became a truck driver, however the Fratelli's (not the band) caught up with him and slit him from ear to ear. His remains were posted to the remaining Goonies as a warning that they were next, shortly after the murder however the Fratelli's (not the band) found a new kind of religion and gave up their ways.

Mikey grew bitter at how he'd been robbed his victory and became detactched from the world. He spent his time in the attic of their new house searching for treasure maps and when he couldn't find them he cried. One day Mikey stopped looking for treasure and stopped crying and simply looked out his bedroom window and started looking on the internet at anti-goverment web pages. It wasn't too long before he wound up part of a terrorist cell and is currently hiding Osama Bin Laden in his attic.

As for Golf Course man and his boy, they lived rich and rewarding lives... thanks Spielburg!(if that is your real name!)

DVD

DVD's are a dime a dozen, and my house is full of them. We used to have videos everywhere, then it moved to DVD's, and "Blue Ray" (sounds like a porno name) seems the way forward.

I wonder how much money I'll spend in the coming years to get the same film I had on VHS, but in the "current" format.

So you like me probably have a fair few DVD's, but do you watch them more than once? Probably not. So here's a way to milk some enjoyment from a film!

Watch the film again, but this time pretend that the story or a character is in the main characters head. Just think, you could be watching Blues Brothers, but pretending that Jake Blues is a figment of Elwood's immagination. Makes the whole thing a lot more interesting.

What makes me laugh, not out loud of course, is adverts for the next generation of entertainment. Why advertise HD-TV on a normal tv channel... how could a normal tv pick up the "picture perfect quality" of a HD-TV when it's just a bog standard one itself. How can it pick up all the colours that they've added on HD-TVs?

The adverts make me laugh aswell... do you remember the "This is DVD" advertisement? It basically told you that by watching a DVD your television would explode and you'd be sucked into the film... how many people bought a DVD and a DVD player thinking that was the case? And who the hell would WANT to be in a movie? I mean the first DVD we got was Perfect Storm, and I sure as hell wouldn't like to be stuck on a boat with Mark Wahlberg! I'd be praying to be killed by that storm!

Zombie Survival : Day 3

I woke up this morning after having a disturbing dream involving Cap'n Skipper... I won't go into details, but suffice to say I was already scared when I woke up. So seeing the supposedly deceased Royston standing over me made me let out a sound not unlike the sound you hear when cats have sex.


Royston explained to me that the building next door was a bed shop, and he'd managed to land on a rather springy bed. What we hadn't seen due to running towards the chemists and leaving royston for dead was that when the zombies flocked into the bed shop, Royston was able to use his acrobatic abilities to use the bed as a trampoline and vaulted out of the hole in the roof and out of reach of the zombies. He then proceeded rooftop to rooftop till he got to the Chemists, then tried to get in the front door, but we'd already barricaded it. He had to climb back to the roof and break through the bamboo ceiling, using the only thing he had handy... his rubiks cube.

Milli expressed her worries for Pope, and we decided to get back to Hotel Lollypop as soon as possible. Luckily, it was the crack of dawn (sorry Dawn) and all the zombies were no where to be seen, maybe they were sleeping... I wonder what zombies do do in their spare time, when they're not eating people... I need to explore this more I think...

Luck was on our side, as Hotel Lollypop was also free of zombies, we stepped over the ex's corpse and went back to room 333... I was worried as to what we would find on the other side of this door. However, upon opening the door we saw that everything was alright. Pope was sitting at the end of the bed, with Polly seeing to her (not like that!) and The Braymachine was staring out the window.

We gave Polly all the medicine we had rounded up, and he began to apply it to Pope's arm, where the bite wound wouldn't stop bleeding. "What's up with the Braymachine?" I asked Polly. Polly then explained that the Braymachine's chosen football team (Sky Lose as they're known) were playing today and due to Braymachine's useless PDA, he couldn't watch it...
Pope was looking rough, her skin was slightly translucent and her eyes were puffed up, usually Pope scrubs up quite well and as I said in the prelude, she's a glamourous lady... but not when infected with Zombie Virus (tm) "I think she needs to see a doctor" Polly told us, but to be fair we were all thinking the same thing... well Braymachine was thinking about the football, Pope was probably too ill/dying to think of anything but her bite and Polly probably was thinking we should get Pope to a hospital... I was thinking of killing her, but I usually get those thoughts about people after spending over a day with them.
I decided we should probably try and find any survivors, and some more medical supplies as the chemists only turned up some paracetamol, condoms, some plasters and some lollypops that Milli was handing out to everyone. So using my knowledge of the island, but trying not to let on that I knew where the hospital on the island was, I suggested heading inland...
to be continued...

Zombie Survival : Day 2 cont...

END OF DAY 2

Well what a perfect end to a perfect evening, myself and milli are hauled up in the chemist, Royston is probably dead or worse...

After leaving the relative saftey of the Bamboo Barricaded room 333, we made our way down the stairs and into the lobby. This is when Royston and Milli learnt what we were up against, as my ex-girlfriend was coming towards us, and she was hungry, but luckily she was also slow as she was missing both legs. Royston did the only thing he thought would help, and ran back up the stairs shouting "screw you guys". So it was up to me and Milli to fell the fiend.

"What should we do?" I asked her, knowing full well that destroying the brain would be the only way to kill it. Milli mused for a moment as the thing pulled itself closer, then began to scream. It's up to me then... So I skillfully jumped over the zombie torso, slipping as I landed on the blood soaked bamboo floor but managed to steady myself with a mop that propped up against the wall. Grabbing the mop I proceed to bludgeon the ex's head in till it popped, blood splattering all over Milli as she screamed.

I managed to coax Royston downstairs and Milli told us that the Chemists was about three buildings down. Only problem was, Milli's screaming had worked the zombies into a frenzy, and the bamboo lobby door didn't seem to be able to hold them much longer. Royston, had an idea though, he theorised that we could jump out the 2nd floor windows and land on the roof of the neighbouring building, then jump roof to roof till we got to the chemists. Wow, I thought, what a brilliant yet foolhardy plan, let's do it!

We took the keys to a 2nd floor room, and got to the balcony windows, sure enough the neighbouring shop's roof was a stones throw away. Milli asked the only sensible question "Who's first?" But without a second thought Royston pushed us out the way and said just before he leapt "Last one there's a rotten egg!"

It was a fantastic moment seeing him soar through the air, land on the roof of the building next door, and the fall through the bamboo roof into the building. "I'm... I'm okay!" He shouted up at us. We weren't the only people to notice Royston's leap, all the zombie's proceeded to turn away from Hotel Lollypop, and instead poured into the building Royston had jumped into, giving us the needed distraction to run to the chemists for the ailing (and probably undead) Pope.

Milli and I shot out of the Bamboo lobby and ran down the high street, turning round a corner and a couple of doors later we were at the chemists, I closed the door behind me and pulled a stack of shelves up against the door to barricade it. Milli turned to me and said "What drugs should we get?"
I was flabberghasted... I had no idea what "medicine" Polly had wanted us to bring back. The only thing I remember from first aid training was to call an ambulance after you put them in the recovery position. I told her to grab as much as she could, then there was a noise at the door, banging harder and harder. The zombies had found us, so Milli and I ran to the back room and locked ourselves in. That's where we are now at the end of Day 2, hopefully Royston found some saftey before being devoured, and hopefully Pope hasn't died, comeback and eaten everyone else...

On reflection this isn't a true zombie survival situation as I'm well aware of certain elements, like important locations on this island, the lab it all started in for instance. Am I the villain of this piece? Well... I have killed an entire island of innocents, probably indirectly two good friends and edangered the rest of them to a fate worse than death. All in the name of curiosity.

Aftermath #01 - Home Alone

In the Aftermath section, I'll be theorising what happens after the credits have rolled in the movies.

How the movie ended:Kevin McCallister has been re-united with his family and foiled two burgulars from stealing everything from his house!!!

But there's no way they would have lived happily ever after...

The Aftermath!

Things were about to get a whole lot worse!

Kevin stole from a local shop when he was scared by the "shovel man". Now I'm going to let this one slide as the kindly shovel man, probably paid for Kevin's stuff as he's a nice enough sort.

Well, Kevin did stop them, however the means as to which he did this are suspect. Harry and Marv would have told their lawyer what the kid did, and sued for damages. No where in the real world would you get away with attacking burgulars with such flavour as he did. It would be revealed that Kevin was abandoned by his parents and this tramua led to all the problems that he had to face. So a social worker would take Kevin AND all the other children off of their parents hands, whilst they face criminal prosecution. This breaks up the McCallister's marriage, she marries the next year to a travelling salesman that beats her every night, and she has an operation to remove her ovaries due to the fear of having another child that she may abandon. The father turns into a recluse and hangs himself 10 years later on christmas eve.

As for the kindly "shovel-man" he would first be arrested for assault on the burgulars and dies alone in prison... all the children apart from kevin end up in stable homes but what happens to Kevin?

Well Kevin is asigned to a psychiatrist who breaks Kevin down to a quivering wreck, Kevin goes from foster home to foster home, being abused and self harming. However after a name change from Kevin to John, he becomes a succesful designer and grows up with an interseting view on life. He's very intelligent but when his partner's unborn child is killed by a drug addict, it sends him over the edge. He uses his childhood memories to set up traps for other people... he eventually becomes known as Jigsaw... and so starts the Saw franchise. I think I've just spoilt saw 6 for you all!!

"Do you give up, or are you thirsty for more?"

Thank you for NOT smoking

I was speaking to the lovely Chantelle, the secretary at my work, the other day. She was telling me that she's always put off from having a cigarette outside when it's freezing, I asked if Cancer wasn't a big enough put off for her, to which she told me about the latest Smoking Deterrent.

Apparantly she was going to purchase some cigarettes from her local tobacanists, however when she saw the packet she made the (tobacanist?) change it for another one. As the picture on the carton had manky "smokers teeth" on it.

I reckon he'd still buy em, no matter what was on the box.

So they're trying to put off people from smoking by showing them what it can lead to. Which made me think, what if other associations pick up on this. What if the war on fat decides to do a smiliar deterrent by putting pictures of 50tonne men on bigmac boxes, or a pic of some bedridden housesized guy on packets of pringles? You could buy a mobile phone that had pictures of Pikeys beating you up on the boxart. Wotsits could have pictures of someone sitting in their underwear watching Jeremy Kyle. All paperwork for creditcards could have a picture of someone selling their house after buying one hdtv too many. Pampers could have pictures of you covered in baby crap at 3 am whilst your wife sleeps obliviously upstairs.



The options are endless.