Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Aftermath #02 The Goonies

Goonies never say... what?

The Goonies, a great family film and it made you want to go on adventures. I used to check the attic for treaure maps on a regular basis, but all I found was dead bodies... lots and lots of dead bodies...

Anyway, the end of the film (spoilers) has the titular children thwarting some baddies with the help of a loveable mutant that they leave to die (but comes back at the end) and taking some pricesless jewels from the dubiously named "One eye willy". They then give the jewels to their parents and they no longer have to sell their homes to make way for a golf course! And they all live happily ever... oh wait...

One Eye Willy stole those jewels from someone, let's say, the spanish. Now the Spanish have been looking for these fabled jewles for some time now, and to stop an international incident the US government takes the jewels off of the Goonie's parents, without re-embursing them. Meaning they still have to sell their homes to the golf course man (whose real name believe it or not is Elgin, I kid ye not, no wonder the guy is so bitter.)

The friends split up and go there seperate ways and grow up.

Sloth died shortly after the events of the film as the Fratelli's (not the band) used to give him a drug hormone to keep him alive... with them in prison, he didn't have the drugs to keep him going and was found dead on the toilet with a "Babe Ruth" bar sticking out of his blood stained mouth.

Data (short-round) now works as a lowly office drone in a robotics company, he goes home to his american wife who is drunk by 4pm and insults his manhood before going out to see her various lovers, he cries himself to sleep wondering if his children are his own.

Chunk soon got over the pain of Sloth's demise by eating more and more. Chunk loved food so much that he got a job at McDonalds, he ate more burgers than he sold and his family had an intervention on his behalf. After he saw what it was doing to his family, he stopped eating and became a weight loss fanatic, however he was run over in his mid 20's when out on a jog.
Mouth ended up getting put into foster care after his constant use of spanish resulted in the death of a housekeeper. Mouth ended up getting hooked on Heroin and spent the remainder of his life using his mouth to get money from businessmen in dark alleyways, however things took a bad turn and he stole a car and accidently killed a jogger. Mouth is currently in prison.
Andy ended up running away from her now home in Arkham as it was "too weird" and moved to Hollywood in search of fame and fortune... however several teen porn movies later she leaped from her penthouse apartment in a drug enfused state. (As can be seen at the start of Lethal Weapon 1)
Steph (the one who looked like a guy) went on to become a succesful fashion designer and New York socialite and raving lesbian.
Brand moved out when his kid brother Mikey became detactched from the world. He finally passed his driving test and became a truck driver, however the Fratelli's (not the band) caught up with him and slit him from ear to ear. His remains were posted to the remaining Goonies as a warning that they were next, shortly after the murder however the Fratelli's (not the band) found a new kind of religion and gave up their ways.
Mikey grew bitter at how he'd been robbed his victory and became detactched from the world. He spent his time in the attic of their new house searching for treasure maps and when he couldn't find them he cried. One day Mikey stopped looking for treasure and stopped crying and simply looked out his bedroom window and started looking on the internet at anti-goverment web pages. It wasn't too long before he wound up part of a terrorist cell and is currently hiding Osama Bin Laden in his attic.

As for Golf Course man and his boy, they lived rich and rewarding lives... thanks Spielburg!(if that is your real name!)

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