Tuesday, 7 September 2010

The Three Thousand Five Hundred Pound Sterling Cat

Whilst washing up (the only job I actually do around my house with any form of effort) I happened to glance out of the window. To my horror, limping across the overgrown jungle that is my garden, was Professor Humperdink.

I dropped the cup I was holding, in slow motion (so that I could sort the cat out, come back and catch it just before it smashed on the floor) and ran to the utility door. I fumbled with the single key, in a blind panic, before I was able to force the door open and approach my injured cat.

There he was, meowing at me, with his limp right front leg. I called my long suffering lady wife Louise over, using my voice (If she hadn't been at the house, I'd have used the large spotlight in the garden with a symbol of a horse on it, that usually summons her)

Within seconds she was at my side, prodding and poking the poor professor as he looked at us gone out. My first thoughts were that the ginger ninja Simba, his adopted and evil half brother, had something to do with this, but it was apparent that Simba had been in the house the entire time, and upon thinking about it, he doesn't have the mental capacity to create a devious plan to attack Professor Humperdink. His plans are just to wait somewhere dark and pounce when anyone gets near. The fool.

It was the weekend (of course) so we were very aware that the vets would be charging as much as humanly possible for us to get him looked at. But that didn't matter, for without Professor Humperdink, our house would be almost defenceless!

The vets told us it was a fracture, that it had probably been caused by a car! I asked the money grabbing Vet and my long suffering lady wife Louise to leave for a moment whilst I spoke to Professor Humperdink about what happened.

If you didn't know, cat's are the only thing that stop Goblins getting into your house, and not the good kind of Goblins! Professor Humperdink and the Goblin King (not David Bowie) have been at war since he first got to our house. So far, the Professor has been able to keep the Goblins at bay, however, they lured him, in a similar way how they lured his brother Merlin, onto the road. Luckily, Admiral Ackbar was passing by and shouted "It's a trap" to Humperdink, just in time.

I would have told this to my long suffering lady wife Louise, but she'd have thought I'd not taken my tablets again (I think I've lost them). Anyway, Humperdink was air-lifted out of Rugby and taken to a specialist center, where a team of three experts were able to put his leg back together, using the power of Science!

I spoke to the vet on the phone, who told me that we couldn't afford the bionic limb I'd asked for (plus it didn't exist apparently) so he told me that they just put a metal plate, some screws and a pin in his leg to help him out.

Humperdink is now at home and on the mend, but what of the Goblins you may wonder? Well, yesterday I found one of their spies on the staircase. Goblins, a fact that you may also not know, use Spiders as spies, the larger the spider, the deadlier. It was just me and the spider, Humperdink was in his recovery tent.

I thought I was done for, until my ginger ninja Simba pounced out of no-where. Teasing the spider, before ultimately killing it.

I left it's mangled carcass on the stairs to warn all the other spiders that although Humperdink's out of action for the next 6-8 weeks, there's still another ferocious animal that will guard us from the ever present Goblin threat at the bottom of our garden.

I just hope nothing happens to Simba, or I'll have to put our horse in our house! And no-one, bar my long suffering lady wife Louise, wants that!

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